Stiletto Diaries

Despite my serious bout of the flu, we decided to go ahead with our trip to the states over the weekend.  I was feeling mostly better, and I didn’t want to pass up the chance to see more of America, and to cross a thing of two off of my bucket list.

After some discussion, we decided to camp out, rather than spending a ton of money on a hotel.  We found a KOA in Lewiston, just across the border from Niagara Falls, and north of Buffalo.  Since all of our camping gear was still together from my weekend at Forbidden, it was fairly quick and painless to pack up.  We planned to eat out the entire time as well, so I didn’t need to worry about groceries or cooking.

We didn’t get on the road until late in the day, but it didn’t matter as we were not in any rush to get there.  If I have daylight for setting up the tent, I am generally content.

Getting across the border took only moments.  The security officer asked us a few questions and basically waved us on.  That makes two really easy border crossing experiences for me.  I’m going to keep up with manifesting that it will be easy every time, since it seems to be working, LOL.

When we got to the KOA it was dusk.  Jack and I made quick work of setting up, although he has never had to set up this particular tent before, and I have (many times now) so I may have been a tad short with him.  At any rate, once it was up and our stuff was inside, we got the kids ready for bed and I took a quick shower.  We got them bundled into their sleeping bags and then Jack and I sat down and breathed a collective sigh of relief.

I got the fire going, and we sat together for a while and just relaxed.  We were both exhausted from the packing and then unpacking and wrangling of gear and children, so we didn’t linger long.  We were glad to crawl into our bed together and cuddle up to the sounds of the frogs and the crickets outside.

Our children do not believe in sleeping in, so morning came painfully early.

Once we were all dressed and assembled for the day, Mags (the GPS) showed us to the nearest Denny’s.  We all had a satisfying breakfast (and plenty of coffee for Jack and I) and then it was off to Target to do a little shopping.

I fell in love with a black leather hobo style purse, which Jack insisted I purchase (between that and the tickets for Bedouin Soundclash and Blue Man Group I think my birthday gifts are covered).  We picked up a few clothes for the kids while we were there, and a backpack for the littlest one, since she starts school this fall.

There were more stores, but we mostly just browsed.  We were not so much there to shop, as to see if it’s really worth it to cross the border for future purchases.  On some items it certainly is, which is useful information, since it’s only an hour to Buffalo from where we live.

For lunch we headed into downtown, to Anchor Bar, which is the home of the original buffalo chicken wing.  Apparently, before they turned them into the now-popular pub fare, chicken wings were only used in soups or discarded entirely.

The place was busy, a testament to its popularity.  The inside of the bar itself is divided into two halves, one being the original and the other being the addition which was built to accommodate the growing business.

We were seated in the original part of the building, the walls lined with photos of celebrities, everyone from Willie Nelson to Hillary Clinton, most of them signed.  There were also countless newspaper articles, awards, and other recognitions bestowed upon the bar, framed and hung on the walls.

Jack and I decided to split a bucket of mild wings (which is really less of a bucket, and more of a platter) which is 50 wings, served with their signature homemade bleu cheese dip.

When the wings arrived we were impressed with the size of them.  Some pubs serve wings that you swear must have come from a miniature chicken because of the diminutive size.  Not so at Anchor Bar.  We also noticed that the wings didn’t have any sauce on them, but instead appear to have been dusted with some sort of a spice blend.  I appreciated that, because it’s less messy, and makes it easier (and less slippery) to eat them.

We dug in enthusiastically.  Now, I’ve eaten chicken wings at a LOT of restaurants and pubs over the years, and I’ll say right now, the wings at Anchor Bar truly ARE the best I’ve ever had.  In fact, I am craving them as I write this.  Jack and I both feel that driving an hour and some into Buffalo to eat there again is not an unreasonable date night idea.  In fact, we will likely use any excuse we can from now on to go to Buffalo for wings.  SOOOOO FREAKIN DELICIOUS!

The mild were good, but hardly spicy, which I suppose is the idea.  Next time we shall go for medium and see what those are like.  I am not a fan of food that is so hot I can’t taste anything but pain in the mouth, so I was glad that they offer a mild that is actually mild and not just one step down from wanting to claw my own tongue out.

453. Have buffalo chicken wings at Anchor Bar in Buffalo, where they were invented

Jack and I couldn’t finish the whole 50.  He quit at 23 or so, while I wussed out at only 11.  They were just too huge and I just wasn’t starving enough.  Next time we’ll order a bucket again, but I’ll make sure I have an appetite!

We picked up some coolers on the way out to our campground, and some marshmellows and watermellon for the kiddos.  It had been a really full day, and we were looking forward to relaxing after the kids were in bed.

Back at camp the kids played ball and chased each other around while we sorted out our purchases and put the coolers on ice.  I set up the iPod and the speakers on the picnic table so that we could listen to some music.  As dusk fell I got the fire started so that the little ones could roast a few marshmellows before bed.

After sticky fingers had been washed, pajamas had been buttoned on, and tucking in had been completed, it was just Jack and I by the fire.  We started in on the coolers, and roasted a few marshmellows ourselves.  Then Jack got out the travel chess set we had purchased earlier that day and we sat across from each other at the table and set it up.

Since it was already dark, we were playing in pretty low light, LOL. We didn’t mind though. It was so peaceful being together by the fire with drinks and my slow songs playlist going on the iPod.

The picture above was taken with the flash on, and here’s one taken without the flash, by the light of the headlamp we had perched over the board.

Jack was a good teacher, and we actually played for quite a while before he win the game. I look forward to many more chess games with him in the future, and hopefully my skills will improve and I can win a few times

189. Learn to play chess

After we put the chess game away, we played yahtzee, another mutual favorite. It was a close game, but Jack won again, by three points.

We’d had enough games, and we were getting sore from sitting, so we slow danced by the fire, under the stars. I laid my head against Jack’s chest in the dark while we wrapped our arms around each other and swayed to the soft music.

I left Jack to tend the fire while I trotted off to the showers to have a quick rinse down. I’d been sweating all day in the heat and I don’t like going to bed feeling sticky and gross. The cool water was a welcome relief from the humid warmth of the evening. Once I was sufficiently refreshed, I wrapped myself up in a towel and walked back to our campsite. I remarked to Jack that I missed the freedom I’d experienced at Forbidden, and that being naked outside is something I’d like to relive again as soon as possible.

He took his turn having a shower. While he was gone I got the munchies and opened the package of leftover wings from Anchor Bar. I don’t like cold chicken, but how to reheat it? I stuck one of the marshmallow sticks through a wing and held it over the fire until it began to sizzle a bit. It was actually pretty good, if not time consuming, LOL.

When Jack returned we had another drink or two and then headed for bed. Once we were settled in, we very quietly fooled around (there is a divider in our tent, but it’s certainly not sound proof) until he made me cum with his fingers. That put me right to sleep until the following morning.

The kids were sad to leave after we packed up our gear and loaded it all back into the van. We took them to a Bob Evans restaurant for breakfast, which was awesome! I had these pancakes that were stuffed with vanilla cream (it claimed to be cream cheese, but it was more like a pastry cream) and then topped with pecans and banana caramel syrup. OMG to die for!

Jack had blueberry french toast with the same vanilla cream and regular syrup and that was delicious too.

Once breakfast was finished it was time to head back to Canada. We hardly had to pause to speak to the border patrol, and he waved us through. Man I am just awesome good luck at border crossings or something.

We were going to take the kids to Niagara Falls, but it was a bit overcast and we wanted to have supper at Earl’s in Mississauga that evening, and Jack needed to stop at home for something, so we decided to save it for another day.

After stopping at the house to use the bathroom and check on the animals, we went to Mississauga for dinner (also amazing, but that’s a given, since we love Earl’s) and Jack showed me where the Princess Auto store is there because I had been wanting to go. Sadly it was closed, but at least I can find it now. Princess Auto is a brilliant source for cheap BDSM stuff if you have some imagination. Cable ties, all sorts of straps and winches, chain, and lots of other little goodies to be found there.

Last week I picked up a fibreglass ’snow pole’ at a farm supply store. It cost me just under five bucks, and it’s a brilliant cane. Jack used it on me last night and it leaves an ouch. It’s heavy, so it’s like a stingy thud, not at all like the bamboo cane I have which is lightweight, even though they are similar thickness. It bruises deep, although it doesn’t welt as much as a traditional cane. I like it a lot, although I think it requires a warm up.

At any rate, it was lovely curling up together last night and getting a good rest together. I woke up feeling really refreshed today.

This evening I have a date with a new man I’ve been chatting with recently. At 49 he’s old enough to be my father, but I don’t put a lot of weight on age anymore. I’m tired of dating boys my age. They are too immature, too moody, with none of their shit together and not enough experience. Older men are just…simpler. They are generally comfortable with themselves, know what they want, and don’t get all caught up in drama. Certainly there are exceptions on both sides, but this man is exactly what I am looking for.

He’s already poly, and kinky, and he’s self contained and confident. He enjoys seduction for the sake of it, and we share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings on BDSM and power exchange. He lives alone, and has several other partners at the moment, which means he won’t be demanding too much of my time, and that he can have guests whenever he wants.

I’m hopeful we will connect as well in person as we have online. It would be lovely to have a play partner again. I feel like I’m already totally over Varick, so this isn’t a rebound situation, it’s just another potential friend and lover.

So I am sure I will have details to share tomorrow I will let you know how it goes!

Also only seven more sleeps until my 26th birthday!

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In my rush to get my entry about Forbidden written and posted, I forgot to talk about a few interesting aspects of the weekend that I particularly enjoyed.

The first was the nudity.  I have had serious body issues for years, and I am none too keen on taking my clothes off in front of people in private, never mind a couple of dozen strangers.

However, at Forbidden, it was amazing.  I’ve never felt so free to just be myself, without any concern over being judged.  On Saturday night when I stood outside under the moon, completely naked, and not caring at all if anyone saw, it was the most incredible feeling.  It was the first time in a great while that I’ve been at peace with my physical self, and I felt…beautiful.

It’s a fascinating experience, being amongst people who are being utterly and completely themselves.  No social masks to keep up with.  If you wanted to prance around nude, leading your heavily restrained and blindfolded partner up and down the road, you could do so.  If you wanted to be fucked up the ass over a picnic table in broad daylight, you could do that too.  The energy surrounding the whole place was somewhat magical in that a feeling of camaraderie and acceptance abounded.

Leaving was depressing, despite what happened between Varick and I.  It was difficult to go from the freedom and excitement of that far off place, back to the ‘real’ world with all it’s social taboos and judgements.  I came home wearing only a tank top and a tiny skirt.  When I parked in my driveway it occurred to me that I’d better get in the house and into something more decent before one of the neighbours saw me, and I was instantly saddened.  How unfortunate it is that we can’t embrace ourselves and each other for who we are.

Granted I wouldn’t want to possibly scar any neighbourhood children with my practically bare and heavily bruised rear end, but I’d like to think that if someone saw me darting into the house dressed in so little, they wouldn’t recoil in horror.

Being at camp was so special, if only for the reasons listed above.  It was like a little bubble where we could hide away from the rest of the world, let our guards down and just have a wonderful time with each other.

I will return to camp, hopefully at least once a year, so that for a few days I can remind myself that there ARE people in the world who don’t sneer at the odd stretch mark.  People who find both bodies and souls lovely and unique, regardless of the shape, size, or color.  They put their money where their mouths are and honour whatever pieces of yourself that you care to share like you are giving them a special gift. 

I miss it already.

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I really, really want to write about my weekend at Forbidden, but it feels like my thoughts are scattered and disjointed.  The entire experience was so surreal…so intense, on so many levels.  It was pleasure and pain and wonder and distress, all wrapped up into a scant 41 hours.

Before I begin, let me say to Red, that you were right.  I was a stupid, stupid girl for not ending it immediately on Tuesday night when I had the opportunity.

A lot of things that happened at the camp will stay private, because there is a certain understanding that what happens in the kinky circles, stays in the kinky circles.

I will tell you, however, that Varick and I did not get along well during the time we were there.  Sadly, I think that we had already decided that we’d had enough of each other, but for some ridiculous reason decided to suffer through the weekend pretending to be together.  It made things uncomfortable for both of us, and aside from a brief 45 minutes of play, we didn’t connect at all.

Friday evening, after setting up and making the rounds to say hello, I retired to bed early while he sat around a fire elsewhere.  At around 2:00am he crawled into bed and I let him cuddle against me to warm up.  I asked him how he wanted his eggs in the morning, and then we fell asleep.

I tend to be a naturally early riser (and I’m also a serious night owl, which is confusing, LOL) so I woke up around 7:30 Saturday morning.  I slithered out of bed and pulled on a bit of clothing and slipped out into the morning sun to use the bathroom and make some coffee.  There were people walking around in the nude already and even though I was barely wearing anything I chuckled to myself about feeling ‘over dressed’.

With Old Crow Medicine Show playing on the little speakers I bought for my iPod, I put water on for coffee and started rounding up breakfast.  It was a gorgeous morning, and I LOVE cooking outside while camping.  It’s one of my favorite things about being out in the woods.

Varick surfaced, wearing only his jeans and runners.  He went to the bathroom and then returned, at which point I told him to go back to bed and that I would call him when breakfast was ready.  He remarked on the music I was playing (apparently he is not a fan) and I replied that if he was the one up first, cooking breakfast, then he could pick the music.

He went back inside the tent and I finished the eggs and sausage and poured him a glass of orange juice.  I wanted the day to go well, so I took him breakfast in bed (a pleasure he’d never received before).  He was at least polite and thanked me for cooking.  We ate and then he got dressed while I cleaned up.

After wandering around and saying hello to people we knew, we ended up at Deja’s camp site for a good part of the morning.  I could tell that something was off with Varick.  While I was making my best effort to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible, he acted as though he didn’t want to be within ten feet of me.  I don’t think that anyone picked up on it, aside from me, but it was hurtful and irritating.

There was a Booze Cruise happening early in the afternoon, hosted by a bunch of the seasonal campers.  Basically anyone who wanted to participate followed the host, who led us from site to site, and at each there was free drinks and food.  I hadn’t planned to drink, since I hoped to play and generally the two don’t mix well.  However, I didn’t see much action in my near future, so I went with Deja and we hit a few of the stops.  It had been a while since breakfast and I drank six shots at one stop (no one wanted theirs because it was WAY strong) so I was feeling lightheaded almost immediately.

I had a great time on the Booze Cruise, and made some new friends along the way.  At some point I had to cut myself off however, before I was totally wasted and therefore useless for the rest of the evening.

Varick and I headed back to our site around supper time to make something to eat.  We ate and then I went into the tent for something (I can’t recall exactly what it was) and he followed me.  Perhaps he was making an effort to dispel the weirdness between us, but we played for a while, unexpectedly really.  It was certainly the most intense scene we’d ever had, in terms of both his choice of implements and how hard he used them on me.

He caned me and paddled me and used the crop and that horrid wheel.  I still have an impressive collection of bruises and cane stripes across my ass and thighs, and I don’t bruise easily.  I wanted him to hit me harder, but he’s still too nervous about hurting the person he is beating on.

When he was finished he wrapped me up in a blanket and held me for a while.  It was certainly the most intimate moment of the weekend, but I could tell that he was still very distant.  Really, it didn’t matter much, I got what I wanted for the most part.

There was drumming at Deja’s camp as the sun went down.  I had thought of bringing my drum and then opted not to, and man was I kicking myself.  On the bright side, there were a couple of massage tables set up, and the submissives were taking turns being drummed on.

I got my turn, although I felt uncomfortable at the idea of getting completely naked in front of no less than 30 people.  Despite my reservations, I stepped out of my comfort zone, slipped out of my tiny skirt and tank top and layed down on my front on the table.

Three people used canes to drum on the length of my body.  My ass was still very sore from the earlier beating, a fact that a particular Dom friend of mine used to his advantage, making me yelp several times with particularly enthusiastic drumming.  It was an amazing experience, being nude in the firelight while people pounded out music on an assortment of instruments, including my skin.

When they were done with me I got dressed and sat down beside Varick again.  He seemed tired, so I suggested he head to bed, which he did, even though it was only 10:00pm.

Some time later I found myself naked on the table again, this time on my back.  Deja and that nice Dom were pouring hot wax onto my flesh while I moaned and wriggled.  There was wax from my neck to my toes and everywhere in between.  The heat wasn’t enough to burn, but it felt like liquid fire when they dripped generous amounts over my breasts and pussy.

278. Have hot wax poured on my naked body

Once I was sufficiently covered, the Dom picked up his long dagger and proceeded to drag the tip over my skin.  I shuddered and did my best to keep still while the blade slipped over my flesh, scrapping the wax away from my body.

When he slipped it between my legs and up between my pussy lips I was panting so hard I thought I might hyperventilate.  Then he rested the tip on my clit and wiggled it, and I wanted to turn myself inside out.  He nearly made me cum with his knife, which in itself was incredible.

291. Experience knife play

When it was done, Deja covered me with a blanket, and I layed there looking up at the stars through the leaves of the trees.  The fire crackled behind me while I processed what had just occurred.  All that was missing was someone to take me in their arms while my head swam with endorphins.  I missed Jack intensely in that moment.  I wished with all my being that I had gone to Forbidden with anyone but Varick.

Only when I was certain I could stand on my own did I sit up and slip off the table, still wrapped in Varick’s blanket (which he’d left with me before going to bed).  I sat down by the fire, naked and covered in bits of wax and baby oil (they put that on first to make it easier for the wax to be removed after) and listened to the conversation around me.  I felt…peaceful, but alone.  It was strange, but a good experience overall.

Later I went back to my tent and stood in the moonlight completely nude.  I rinsed myself off as well as I could, and then went inside to put on some warmer clothing.  Varick woke some and asked me how I was doing.  I replied that I was good while I slipped into my jeans and a hoodie.  I told him to go back to sleep while I zipped the door closed behind me.

Deja suggested we got for a quick swim before they closed the pool.  I hadn’t brought a suit, but everyone was going naked anyway, so we stripped off and took a quick dip.  We didn’t linger too long, since it was nearly 1:00am and the water was rapidly cooling off.

66. Skinny dip in the dark

I dried myself off and bid Deja a good night before going to bed myself.  There was no cuddling that night, Varick stayed on his side of the bed and I stayed on mine.

When I woke the next day the first order of business was coffee, and the second was writing Varick a letter about how I felt.  I wasn’t sure that I would give it to him, but I needed to do something to get it all out.  I tucked it away before he got out of bed, glad to have at least organized my thoughts somewhat.

We ate a light breakfast and then did a little visiting.  I felt hungover, although I had been sober long before I went to bed.  I think it was exhaustion from all the play the day before, and I was emotionally raw and overwhelmed.

He helped me pack everything up and we left an hour earlier than planned because I just wanted to get home and be with Jack.

During the first half of the ride it was uncomfortably quiet.  Finally I couldn’t stand it and just asked him point blank if he still wanted to be together.  He admitted that he didn’t, and that he couldn’t meet my relationship requirements.  I said that it was better this way, and that clearly we were not right for each other.  I wished out loud that he had said something before the weekend, to which he replied that he ‘just wanted us to have a nice weekend together’.

“Well, it WASN’T” I stated flatly.  I felt like telling him that I could think of at least half a dozen people offhand that I would have rather spent the time with, but it’s just as much my fault for not writing him off last week when I had the chance.

“I hope things aren’t awkward” he mentioned “since we will probably see a lot of each other”.

“We’re adults Varick, I am sure we can handle it” I replied.  It’s somewhat unfortunate that we have so many mutual friends in the community, but as I said, we can handle it.  Or at least I can, we shall see about him.

I dropped him off at his place and we hugged uncomfortably before saying goodbye.  I drove towards home, and I cried bitterly because even though I shouldn’t feel replaced, I do.  I also felt rejected, even though I had initiated the sequence of events on Tuesday.  I was angry that I had spent even ONE moment of the weekend feeling awkward over him.

Jack and V and the kids were out, and I didn’t want to be alone just then, so I went to Nia’s.  She hugged me and listened while I explained what had happened.  We talked about communication and how irritating it is when other people don’t seem to get it.  I had wanted to give him the opportunity to prove that he wanted what I wanted, and instead he made up his mind that it was over and then drug it out through our time together.

When I got home I packed some things inside, put away groceries, cleaned the cooler, and then had a long shower.  Jack and V and the kids arrived shortly after I finished, and we had supper together before putting kids to bed and then renting Shortbus.  If you haven’t seen it, and you are into sexually explicit drama/comedies, it’s worth seeing.  I really enjoyed it.

Eventually it was just Jack and I in bed together.  I cried some more, and then we fucked.  It was rough and hard and exactly what I needed.  When I eventually orgasmed, with his hand cupped firmly over my pussy, I wept again from the intensity of it.  I don’t think I’ve ever cum that hard.

Afterwards Jack and I cuddled and I thanked every diety I know for what I have with him.  I often question why I struggle through these extra relationships when I don’t have to.  Why do I subject myself to the upset and the potential for pain when I could stay home and be with someone who will love me forever?

I am addicted to the good parts I suppose.  The payoff can be beautiful, and because each time I make a connection with someone I learn something new about myself and about the world.

Finding the value in all things is vital to survival.  I am glad for what I learned from Varick.  I gained some personal clarity regarding the sort of relationships I am interested in, and I think it will be a great while before I get tangled up with someone so immature and inexperienced.  As Jack said to me last night, while he held me so tight and lovingly touched my black and blue rear end, I need to stop looking for a ‘project’ and start demanding partners who already have their shit together and know who they are and what they want.

Even though it really is better that we’ve ended things, I am still mourning the loss of a regular play partner.  It was lovely to be able to indulge that part of myself and experience some things I had been wanting to try.  I hope it won’t be too long before I have the opportunity again.

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Yesterday morning Nia came over to watch the young ones while V and I went shopping with Varick.  More specifically, to a leather store, in the hopes of finding him some suitable fet wear for this weekend.

That earthy smell of tanned animal skin nearly knocks you over at the door.  I just love that smell, because I generally associate leather with bondage, which I associate with being beaten on, which makes me happy.

V wandered off to try on some jackets while Varick and I looked over the leather pants.  I picked out a couple of pairs and sent him to try them on.

He was a good sport, and I must have made him put on half a dozen pairs of them.  None of them fit right, which isn’t too surprising since (A) it wasn’t a fet wear store per sae (B) he is shorter and really slender.  Not shorter as in shorter than me, but shorter as in shorter than most males.  Plus the cut of the leather pants was designed to provide comfort while riding a motorcycle, not for prancing around at kink events.  They were too big in the ass, or too loose in the thighs, or whatever else.  It was disappointing.

We gave up and decided to grab lunch before we dropped him off and went home.  There was a really cute little cafe where we stopped for a bite.  I could tell that V was less put off by him than she had been the first time they met, which was a relief.  I really appreciate having her support and encouragement while he and I work at sorting ourselves out.

Nothing heavy was discussed, and although he wasn’t his ‘usual self’ he certainly was a lot better.

Tonight we are going to Forbidden, and I am really excited.  Yesterday V and I stopped by Wal-Mart so I could pick up a few things for camping.  Such as bug repellent and a set of mini speakers for the iPod so that we can have music out in the woods.  I am charging up my phone, camera, and GPS in preparation.  This morning Jack helped me lug one of my big storage lockers, full of bondage gear and the like, down from our room and into the back of the van.  According to Varick, Deja has a number of items on the list to teach him this weekend, so in his words, I am in for ‘quite a workout’.

Later today I am picking up groceries for camping.  Varick just told me to get whatever I liked and he’d split the cost with me, so I have a rough meal plan figured out which should suit him just fine (he’s a tad picky that one).  I’m going to ask him to pitch in for gas as well, since I am bringing ALL the equipment.  I am also seriously suppressing my usual penchant for feeding everyone within five miles.  Usually I bring enough food for 30 people, but I have promised myself that I will only bring reasonable quantities, and only as much as I think Varick and I will eat in two days.  You have no idea how difficult this is for me, since I often like to make extra in case people wander over to be fed.

At any rate, this weekend should give me a much better idea as to where things are going with Varick and I, if anywhere.

I won’t be posting this weekend, but I am taking my phone, so I shall see about Twittering as much as I can.  I will probably be tied up a good portion of the time there (both literally and figuratively) but I shall do what I can to keep you all posted!

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As much fun as we had in Chicago, we were glad to get the hell out of there (as far as traffic went).  We paid FOUR TOLLS on the way out, damn them.

We didn’t see a lot between Chicago and Michigan, where we camped that last night.  Passing Climax was amusing, as was driving though Kalamazoo (I didn’t actually get any photos). Of course it wouldn’t be America without more pylons.

298. Visit Kalamazoo

We camped out at a KOA outside of Flint that evening. Since we didn’t have far to go the following day, we decided to have some fun. We drove into Holly and ended up at a little bar and grill. There was about a dozen locals inside, all of them mostly loaded, and very friendly. We had some food and some drinks and even danced a little.

A far older man made a pass at us and hinted at getting an invite out to our campsite. That made us pretty uncomfortable, so we left right away, since we had plenty of mix and gin for the evening.

After some struggling, we got a fire started (we were unprepared really for proper fire building) and mixed some drinks and proceeded to get completely loaded. There was a playground right across from where we were camped, so we thought it would be fun to go try out this weird teeter-totter. Basically it was shaped like a half-moon and you stood on either end and by shifting your weight forward or back, you made it go up and down.

Drunk girls+teeter-tottering=interesting times

I think I nearly bounced V off her end a few times, with my enthusiastic leaning.

Then I decided to try out the slide. There was a huge puddle at the bottom of it (there was actually three slides together) but I didn’t care. I think V tried to scoop some of the water off before I went down, but it didn’t help much.

V decided to come down the second time, and I took a different slide with plenty of water at the bottom. I was wearing this long white skirt, and I mustn’t have been paying much attention at the end because I slid right off the bottom and landed on my ass in the dirt (mud).

Well, that was the end of that. My feet were coated with dirt and my skirt was soaked and filthy. We were giggling like idiots the entire time of course.

V suggested I just strip off the skirt and sit by the fire in my panties. But I wasn’t wearing any panties, so I figured what the hell and just sat there with no bottoms at all. We were so drunk we didn’t even care, LOL. V took a photo of my bare ass, covered in dirt and debris, but I don’t know yet if I will ever post it. Maybe if you are really lucky

I rinsed off my feet and legs with some water and we laughed by the fire into the wee hours. Eventually we were about ready to pass out and drug ourselves off to bed. I hardly even remember crawling into my sleeping bag, and V was way drunker than I, and tossed and turned most of the night.

We woke up the next day feeling pretty sluggish. I think we were both so relieved that we were almost home.

V went to take a shower and I packed up some of our things. It felt like we were moving in slow motion but we got everything loaded and off we went. We stopped in Holly to get subs and then headed back to the interstate.

The remainder of the drive out of Michigan was uneventful and we were so relieved to finally see a sign for the Canadian border.

They practically waved us through immediately at the customs stop. They only asked where we had come from and checked our ID’s and asked what we bought in America. I was glad that they didn’t bother detaining us or anything unpleasant. We were both pretty tired and just wanted to get to the house and relax.

I coaxed Varick over to help us unload the trailer, which didn’t take us too long. We had supper together and forced him to watch Mary Poppins with us before bed. He complained a fair bit, which I think annoyed V. She’s not exactly keen on him, but that’s a story for another post.

It was quite the trek we took. Seven states in as many days, camping most of the way, with a ferret and a u-haul. Pretty much all of our memories are good ones, even the scary moments when the wind in Wyoming threatened to blow us into the ditch, and the traffic in Chicago which was insane, even by my standards (and I drive in Toronto all the time).

All in all it was a most excellent adventure, although not one I’d like to repeat any time in the near future. Thank you America for your hospitality and cheap gas. Although we did end up with hives, so fuck you Michigan.

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After a blessedly restful sleep at the KOA, we hit the road Tuesday morning feeling a lot more alert than we had the previous days.

Wyoming was really, really hot.  We discovered that ferrets will pant when they get hot enough (yes, we had V’s ferret along for the trip) and that no amount of swearing makes one feel any cooler.

We saw a dust devil outside of Casper, sadly I didn’t get a photo.  Casper by the way smells like sewage, and has far too many trailers parks.

Also, America has A LOT OF PILONS!

I’ve never seen so much bloody road construction in my life.

We spent most of the day driving, only stopping briefly for fuel and food.  When we drove through Cheyenne a young woman who I assume was from Canada, or perhaps even Alberta, smiled and waved at us on the interstate.  Or maybe she was flirting with us, since she did have a very vibrant rainbow bandanna hanging from her rear view mirror.

Our goal was to make it into Nebraska before it got too late.  Finding a place to stay once we made it that far was another thing.  We stopped at a gas station in Sidney, where we were attacked by these god-awful flying beetles.  V wouldn’t get out of the truck to pump the gas after some of them landed on her, so I braved the swarm and filled us up.  The lady at the station lent us a phone book so that we could find a campsite, and off we went to Chappell where we happened into a little off-the-beaten-path camp ground operated by a man who reminded me of Hank Hill.  Every sentence seemed to end with “…I’ll tell you what” and he had a slight drawl that was actually pretty endearing.

The tent was set up in the dark, after he showed us to our spot and wished us a good night.  There wasn’t much in the way of trees, but it was a place to sleep so we were content. Also the bathrooms were heavenly, which we had come to appreciate above anything else at that point in time.  Surprisingly, there was also wifi access, so I was able to Twitter and check e-mails and chat to Jack before we crawled into our sleeping bags and passed out.

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After a very chilly and miserable night, we woke up roasting to death in our tent under the heat of the sun, and the wind was threatening to blow us away.  We were fatigued and more than a little sore from sleeping on the ground, but I promised V we would stop in Billings and pick up a new air mattress and sleeping bags for the night.

We rounded up our gear, and not 10 minutes after we’d loaded it back into the trailer, the sprinklers came on, so that was one potential horror avoided.

Neither of us had realised that Montana was so beautiful, but really, it’s quite pretty.

We stopped here to take a pee on the side of the road. Yes, we are such classy gals

We did indeed stop at Billings for supplies. While we were there we encountered one of apparently many ‘Kum & Go’ convenience stores, which made us giggle.

We were aiming to get across the border into Wyoming before packing it in for the night. There was a KOA just north of Sheridan we planned to stay at.

We made it into the KOA and got ourselves a spot, and set up the tent. We decided to take advantage of the laundry and showers, so we washed some clothes and had cold showers (it was hot as hell in Montana, as I’ve said a few times). It was glorious to feel clean again after sweating all day and then setting up and all, but we were looking forward to crawling into our new sleeping bags on top of the new air mattress.

That night was much, much better than our first one. We stayed warm and comfortable and got plenty of rest for the long haul we had planned for the following day.

P.S. I never want to hear another American complain about your gas prices.  Do you know that you are paying WAY LESS than we are?  We were using premium gas for the trip and it was still over $20 LESS per tank than what we pay here in Canada for the lowest grade of fuel.  You guys have it easy, so quit your bitchin.

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A summary of our Saturday, spent preparing for our week-long road trip can be found here and here.  I won’t bother going over everything that happened that day, but needless to say, our trip was off to an interesting start, LOL.

Sunday marked Day One of Shasta & V Do America.  We said our goodbyes and off we went, south of Calgary towards the Alberta/Montana border.

Neither of us had really driven into the states, so we didn’t know what to expect at the border. Fortunately the line up was fairly short, and we didn’t have to wait long. The cute customs officer was very sweet, and rather than search our trailer, they just gave it a quick scan and sent us on our way. It was a relief to be in and out of there without any trouble.

Cut Bank, Montana was the first stop of the evening, to see the World’s Largest Penguin. We wandered around looking for it, before finally stopping at a little casino to use the bathroom and ask where we could find said penguin. The bartender was kind enough to direct us and allowed us to use the facilities.

We found the penguin just where he said it would be. We parked the truck and trailer in the lot of an abandoned drive-in diner (you know, the kind with the car hops that came out to take your order). The penguin was indeed very large, as you can see from the above photos.

283. See the World’s Largest Penguin

That accomplished, and the sun going down, our next item of business was finding a place to sleep. Our GPS (nicknamed Mags) informed us that there was a camp ground nearby, and so we headed over there, only to find the supposed location populated by houses, and a hill.

Not sure what else to do, we drove east towards Chester, hoping to see a sign for camping. We did see a sign, although the facilities were not exactly what we had in mind. The ‘camp ground’ was basically a park in the middle of town, like a playground, with a grassy area. It was well after nightfall by this time, so we said to hell with it, parked, and set about putting our tent together. Thank gods we bought head lamps before we left Calgary.

There was a hole in the air mattress, and so we made up a bed the best we could, although we were seriously lacking for blankets. It had been so hot that day we didn’t think it would get too cold at any rate. In fact we didn’t bother putting the fly over the tent, so that the entire ceiling was open to the stars above.

167. Sleep under the stars

I heard a tiny meow outside, and decided to investigate, only to find a small kitten huddled next to a tree beside our tent. I approached slowly, V close behind me, but he started up the tree, and when I reached out to touch him, he spat and hissed furiously. So much for that. He was stuck up the tree and continued to cry until after we fell asleep, but there was nothing we could do (he did manage to get down on his own, I checked the next day).

I woke up in the wee hours, freezing to death, cuddled as close to V as possible. We were both curled up tightly, but there wasn’t much hope for sleep. It felt like the night may never end, and I don’t think that I really slept again until the sun began to rise and warm us up.

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I’ve started three or four blog posts this week. I wanted to share our adventures of last week, and then I wanted to let you know what is going on with us. Each post felt forced, unnatural, and not genuinely me at all.

My desire to write is still strong, but for the moment, the right words just won’t come.

I hadn’t wanted to let on much about our plans for the summer, but at this point, I think it needs to be clarified before I can make any headway working through my current thoughts. I am writing this at a picnic table in Alberta, beneath a shade of trees, under the warm sunshine. The kids and I have made the trek out west to visit with family, while Jack remains back home in Ontario until next week.

We’ve had a great time here thus far. I got to feed a giraffe at the Calgary Zoo, and my family owns a heap of lake front property, where I am currently staying. Hot afternoons spent swimming, followed by fishing at sunset and evening walks by the water. My son caught his first fish, and it was a big one. Probably close to ten pounds. He was thrilled, but terrified, and insisted that I throw it back lest it might ‘get him’.

It’s so peaceful here, far from civilization. I drive to the community store with the windows down and it’s just like I never left the country. There are birds everywhere, and yesterday afternoon a family of skunks sauntered across the lawn like they owned the place. You have no idea how adorable baby skunks are until you’ve seen one in real life.

There were two young deer, probably last springs babies, who were hanging out near the garage here. We got so close I could almost reach out and touch them, before they bounded off into the trees in search of less crowded surroundings.

I’ve been taking a fair amount of time for myself out here. Last night us adults took the big boat out, while the sun set over the lake. Some of them fished, while I stretched out with my book and basked in the fading glow of the day. It was wonderful really, so quiet, only interrupted by playful snippets of conversation. I hadn’t realized how much I missed my family until I got back here.

The separation has been straining for Jack and I. In the days leading up to my departure, we squabbled several times. Since I’ve been here, we’ve had one pretty substantial fight, which carried on all day via text message, only to explode that evening via several phone calls. The day ended with apologies and tears (mostly on my part since I was actually in the wrong). I’d practically ruined his day out with Mz. F which left me feeling guilt-ridden and embarrassed.

Speaking of Mz. F, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to you my dear. I acknowledge that I was selfish and inconsiderate of you on Saturday night. I apologize, and I would like to make amends by acting my age and leaving Jack to have fun with you for the remainder of your time in Ontario with him.

While being out at the lake is lovely, I don’t have internet access here. I am going to be able to access a wireless network this evening, long enough to get this posted and to check e-mail. I have to drive several miles from our cabin in order to make a phone call, never mind get online. We plan to spend the weekend here, so if I am slow to approve comments, forgive me. I may be out here into next week, since the kids and I are so enjoying it.

I’ve been texting with Varick, who has been unexpectedly sweet. Last night he told me he wishes I were there, and that he misses me. Naturally it thrills me to no end.

At some point, I would still like to tell you about the fire play adventure, and our night out at Goodhandy’s. It’ll just have to wait until I am feeling more like myself.

I won’t declare an official hiatus from the blog, but it will be sparse until into August. More developments will be posted as I am able.

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My baby girl was released from hospital this afternoon, much to our joy.

Coming home was a bit odd.  I’d been so focused on her the past couple of days, spending all but a few hours in the hospital with her, when we finally got home I just felt anxious.  Not about her health, since she’s on the mend, which makes me incredibly happy because it could have been worse.  It was more like being unsure what to do with myself now that she did not require my constant attention.

I sat down with my drum for a while while Jack took her upstairs to nap.  There’s something cathartic about loosing yourself in the rhythmic motion and sounds of drumming.  The worries and anxiety seemed to drain away, absorbed by the simple yet primal music I was able to create, all on my own.  It felt really good, since I’d found myself missing my drum while I was in the hospital.  I think discovering drumming has allowed me to connect with something inside myself that I hadn’t uncovered before.

I hadn’t been certain I’d be able to attend the kink munch tonight, but Jack encouraged me to get out for a bit.  Even though it had only been a couple of days, I felt so disconnected from my life, it was a relief to get out and be amongst people who were not wearing scrubs.

Varick was planning on being there and as I drove to the meeting place, I wondered to myself how he would act towards me in public.  Now I certainly do not harbour any illusions that we are a couple or even ‘dating’ per sae, but I also do not tolerate having someone I’m sleeping with completely snub me or pretend otherwise in public.

He was already there when I arrived, and after hugging and greeting the others whom I was familiar with, I arrived at him and he stood to hug me.  As we hugged a conversation was started with someone next to us, and still he kept his arm around me, and not just casually, but tightly, while we had a discussion with this other person.  That was a good sign, although he’d not kissed me and generally he always kisses me when we see each other.

I sat down next to him and his body language was positive and affectionate.  He leaned his head against me, and kissed me several times.  People certainly seemed to get the impression that are ‘together’ in some capacity, as remarks were made about asking his permission to play with me.  He and I looked at each other with a mix of uncertainty and amusement.  There has been no formal establishment of what we are in regards to the BDSM community.  Play partners certainly, but is he my Dom?  Am I his sub?  Who even knows.  I think that incident will be an excellent way to bring this up in the near future, just so that we both feel like we’re on the same page.  Would he appreciate me asking before playing with anyone else, just to be considerate?  Do I expect him to do the same?  Certainly I don’t feel the need for him to ask or inform me of his play with other people, unless it could possibly effect our current arrangement, or the status of our sexual health.  If he has unprotected sex with another woman, I’d like to know that information so that I am better able to make informed decisions about my own involvement with him.

Really I am not making a bit ‘to do’ about this, or feeling anxious, it just presented an interesting question that neither of us had given much thought to (obviously) and something that I feel is worth discussing, even in the context of teaching him more about the nature of kink relationships.

The munch was great fun, and it was nice to see Deja and some other friendly acquaintances.  Varick and I discussed the possibility of going to a kinky camping weekend in August together.  The fact that he seemed keen on making such plans with me leads me to believe that he sees this arrangement as continuing on for at least the next little while, which is quite pleasing.  I just love camping, and the site that hosts this particular event is actual a camp ground specifically for gay males.  The weekend is described as a ‘pansexual event’ which can only mean loads of good things as far as I am concerned.  Varick whispered a few interesting ideas in my ear, most of which included various types of bondage to trees and what he would like to do to me once I was secured out of doors at his disposal.

He and I also made plans to go shopping together very soon for leather gear, since he would very much like a pair of leather boots, and leather anything does it for me.  I think I’ve got him convinced that a pair or leather pants would indeed be a wise purchase on his part as well.  The vision of him wearing them is enough to make my girl bits tingle.  Certainly I am looking forward to this shopping trip.

After we said our goodbyes with a prolonged kiss outside, I headed over to Nia’s for a quick visit and a run to Starbucks.  It was nice to hang out with her some before she leaves this weekend for another part of the province to house sit for her family.  We’re not going to see each other much between now and August due to a lot of craziness in our respective schedules.

I can’t wait for this weekend to really let loose and party with Padme :)  We’ve been counting down forever and now it’s just a day and a half away!!!

Jack is waiting for me in bed so I’m going to hurry up and publish this so I can join him.  Thanks again for the comments and notes I received in regards to our little one.  They gave me lots to smile about when I came home today to check my e-mail

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