TagK

This Is How We Heal

I’m addicted to the past.

It’s like reading someone else’s story now, not mine, not ours.

I poured over K’s old blog. I can see the appeal objectively now, following the shared drama like a weekly soap. We were ridiculous, there were so many comments, I really understand now why we drew such a following for a time. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, I’m not, I have the good sense now to be embarrassed. That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the entertainment for entertainments sake. A poorly written novel can still have it’s moments. It was still a better love story than Twilight.

Really I’m killing time. Between purging and packing I give myself moments of respite, and bury myself in this strange yet familiar history. It’s mostly foreign to me now. My heart has forgotten all of the anguish, it healed, even though I never thought it would. Not just thin scabs, but hardened scars, fibrous and strong, protecting all of those vulnerable spots that used to bleed so freely.

Time, it seems, does indeed heal all wounds.

Post-Polyamory

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling particularly well, and so I spent the day re-reading the old blog, in reverse. Oh memory lane.

First, it was interesting to see, objectively, the way my writing changed over the years. It definitely improved, which was actually surprising to me. Mostly because I always fancied myself a pretty good writer, even from Day One, but my writings definitely matured over those years.

Second, OMG angst isn’t even a remotely strong enough word for what sums up that whole disaster. My early commenters/dissenters were right: I was super bad at poly. Especially at the beginning, with K. Oh lawdy what a trainwreck that was. What a self-righteous and self-obsessed asshole I was. Many of my posts were so cringe-worthy I have a hard time reading them. Just, so much drama and self-loathing and rebellion and acting out.

I had been considering reinstating all of the archives here, but to be honest, I’m pretty embarrassed by a good deal of those posts. I mean, I was young. Mid-20’s and boy did I think I knew it all. 10+ years older and wiser now, and I’m ashamed of a lot of the person I was back then. I still haven’t decided if I will import all that content here, maybe it’s best to let sleeping blogs lie.

Reviewing all of that old content has definitely stirred some feelings. Even though Aiden and I closed our relationship when I separated from Jack, and kept it closed, I’m not opposed to the concept of polyamory. For that matter, poly/open relationships are somewhat surprisingly common in our current circles. I am quite good pals with several people who are poly, and speak openly about it. I’ll admit I admire their courage at being “out” and have hope that non-monogamous relationships will become more widely acceptable over time. It’s just not for us, although there are definitely aspects of it that I enjoyed and occasionally miss. Aiden works out of town now, and the weeks when the kids are with Jack can be a bit lonely. I don’t feel *alone* like I used to so frequently (what was up with that?) but I’m definitely lonely at times. I will admit the appeal of having a man to spend my weekdays with has crossed my mind from time to time, but I don’t linger on those fleeting thoughts. I miss dating sometimes, but I definitely do NOT miss all the crazy, all the jealousy, none of that. I’m not cut out for sharing, and I spent too many years trying to force that square peg into a round hole.

It’s interesting to look back now, so many years down the road, on what happened between Jack and I. Opening our marriage was actually not where things began to break down, it had begun before that. Polyamory just magnified the weak spots, and created gaps that could be filled by other partners, to our detriment. We both made choices. Younger me couldn’t stand to shoulder the bulk of the responsibility at the time, but in reality, my feelings towards Jack changed and his feelings towards me didn’t. I left. There’s no use denying it. We both contributed to the series of events leading up to that point, but ultimately, I chose Aiden.

I don’t feel like I have to apologize for that anymore.

I Have Died Every Day Waiting For You

Maybe I will muster up a visit every three years, just to let everyone know that I’m not dead.

I had hoped that I would begin writing here again, just for my own sanity, but…it’s hard, ya know? I’m not really “Shasta” anymore. I don’t really identify with that person, or that part of my life at this point. It seems like such a distant memory now.

Aiden and I have settled into a comfortable life together. In fact, after nearly two years of being engaged, we have finally decided to pull the trigger and get married this summer. I put a deposit down on my dress today.

I was also pregnant, briefly, in November. We found out at eight weeks that the pregnancy wasn’t going to be viable, which was a devastating disappointment, considering we had been planning for several years. We intend to try again once my body recovers from what was a horrendous series of unfortunate events, that culminated in an emergency D&C just last week. I had my IUD removed in September and caught almost immediately, so we are optimistic that it won’t take long the next time around.

So, yeah, I would say that we are signing on for the long haul with each other.

My children with Jack are turning into young adults. 12 and 14 now, and it feels as though time passes more quickly each week that goes by. Speaking of Jack, he is well. Still single, as far as I know, but he dates quite a bit. He just hasn’t found the right woman yet, and I do hope very sincerely that it happens for him. We remain a close family. We continue to have holidays together, and to participate in each others lives. We collectively attend sporting events, parent-teacher interviews, and Christmas concerts.

The Infamous V and I remain the best of friends. We are attending a bridal show this weekend, and she will stand next to me on the big day, filling that role for the second time.

K and I worked at the same company for nearly two years, after he helped me get a job there. Unfortunately due to the economic state of our province, and the nature of the industry, I was laid off in the fall. So, one of my other closest friends and I decided to start a business together, and thus far, it’s quite rewarding and our potential seems very promising.

It might seem mundane, from the outside, but life is good and calm and exactly what I want just now.

I’m On Your Magical Mystery Ride

On Friday I had dinner at a pub with K and his girlfriend, Tia.  K and I hadn’t seen each other in almost 4 years, and it was a surprise visit arranged by she and I (we’ve become quite good friends, over text message and Facebook, as it were).

It was a little bit uncomfortable at first.  In fact I felt so nervous I thought I might throw up.  Tia was nervous too, mainly because, well it’s kind of weird being friendly with your mans ex, and all.  We all ordered food and eventually the conversation picked up.

I tried not to talk too much about “way back when” with K, because it would be disrespectful, and Tia wouldn’t be able to participate anyway, which is a bit rude.  There were a couple of stories (I actually don’t remember much of that time anymore, apparently we went to a hot tub party once…) but for the most part, we stayed out of that territory.

Turns out Tia lived in the same town where Aiden grew up!  She was only there for three years (and there is an age gap, so it’s unlikely they directly knew the same people) but we chatted quite a bit about that.  Small world!

We talked about work and pets and other everyday things.  It was fun, but the pub was super loud.  I would prefer somewhere quiet I think for actual conversation.

K has changed and yet, he hasn’t.  He’s grown up some.  He doesn’t let people walk all over him anymore, and he’s become a little more jaded and cynical (life will do that to ya) but he seems happy.  Tia is good for him, and it’s really great to see him happy and more or less settled in life.  He’s still K though, quick with the flirty comments, and charming in his way.  Still the “give you the shirt off his back” type.  There weren’t sparks.  There weren’t twinges of jealousy or longing, just contentment that he’s found his way.  I did worry for him for a good while after we parted company.

We spent 3 hours together and then I went home and crawled into bed and waited for Aiden (he was out for games night with some of our other friends).  I fell asleep, but woke briefly when he snuggled up beside me sometime around 1am.  We may have exchanged a sleepy “How was your night?” but I don’t recall.

My reply was likely “It was nice to catch up with old friends” 🙂

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