Zithromax For Sale

H-Bombs Dropped; We All Died.*

Posted on February 13th, 2008 in Emotional Angst, Polyamory

Ex-Lovers can often be a precarious topic, particularly when there is a lot of complicated history involved, and especially when one wishes to write about them, knowing they will read it. I mentioned in a recent post that K and I had been working on getting past some of the bitterness and bad feelings left over from all that happened towards the end of our romantic relationship. We've remained somewhat friends over the past year or so, although it often felt strained, and I kept him at arms length or further. I really did not want him to get the impression that I had anything more than a passing interest in him or his life, which is totally rude, and I'm a bit ashamed to even admit it. It would have been kinder and more honest to just cut him loose completely, but for whatever reason, I couldn't seem to do that. Recently I've been working a lot on myself, and on changing things that I am dissatisfied with in my life. My attitude towards him was near the top of the list because I didn't want to continue the way we had been. It wasn't fair to him, and that's not truly the sort of person I am, so something had to give. I've let the walls down...confiding in him again, a little at a time. Allowing myself to feel closer to him, to be open, and to act like the kind of friend I really am. We've had some really good conversations and I stopped feeling like I had to push him away constantly. And then something unexpected happened. I realised that the reason I'd been holding him off so vigilantly, the reason I'd bothered building the walls at all, was because there were still some feelings there that I didn't want to have to deal with. In spite of all that has gone on, I guess those sorts of things never really leave you completely. I pushed them so far down I had assumed they were gone completely, which was naive and unrealistic, especially for me. I think that keeping my distance saved me from having to admit it to myself, or to even acknowledge it. Really it all started because I was determined to be done with him, and it's difficult to detest someone when you also love them. Rather than just accept that I would probably always feel affection for him on some level, it was easier for me to just be angry and bitter and hold on to all of those negative feelings. It wasn't a conscious effort on my part, and it evolved that way over a stretch of time, so that I didn't really realize it was happening. So, now that I've decided to let go of the past and all of the unpleasantness of that time, these other feelings are making their way back to the surface. Really I wasn't prepared for it, and I am not entirely sure how to handle it or what is considered 'proper behaviour' in these situations. Clearly we cannot get back together, and I don't think I really want that because it would be pointless and frustrating with the distance. I don't think that our friendship is headed into that territory at all, so it's not a concern. I think we've come to a mutually agreeable arrangement that can best be described as good friends, with occasional benefits. To be perfectly honest, I miss the sex, which was always quite satisfying. I've been feeling discouraged and annoyed with the lack of new connections out here, which perhaps adds to the attraction. K is familiar and comfortable and we've already seen each other naked more times than I could count. I know that he knows how to make me purr, and we certainly had a ton of sexual chemistry back when we were a couple. He's hoping to come out for a visit in April, to attend a party I am throwing, and to see some of Ontario. By then it will have been 10 months since the last time we saw each other, so it will be nice to hang out again. Especially minus all the drama that seemed to never end when I lived back in Calgary. Please spare me the "Don't get involved with him again" since it's not going to be like that. How involved can we get living 2,000 miles apart and perhaps only hanging out in person once a year? I don't do long distance romance, and I'm just relived that we can have comfortable conversation again. Writing this post actually makes me all kinds of nervous, but I needed to get it all out in order to better examine where I am at with myself. *Howard Waldrop