Stiletto Diaries

We had a fairly quiet weekend here at Chez Gibson.  On Saturday morning V was so kind as to watch the children so that Jack and I could go out for brunch.  We decided to drive to Mississuga to have dim sum at one of our favorite places.  The food was great, we both had a good night sleep so we felt fantastic, it was a really wonderful way to get the weekend started.

After trying almost a dozen different dishes, we’d had our fill.  The restaurant is located in an Asian mall, so we went next door to look for Vietnamese coffee filters.  I’ve been trying to find some for weeks, and wouldn’t you know it, we found them in the Asian grocery store, so I bought two, along with chicory coffee and some sweetened condensed milk.

We made a stop at Lowe’s on our way out of the city to pick up some bins for my arts and crafts room, which is finally starting to come together, hopefully in time for Christmas so that V and the kids and I have a place to make Christmas cards and gifts.  I do a lot of crafty type things: scrap-booking, quilting, sewing, etc, so we are using one of the bedrooms exclusively for my projects and supplies, and it’s one of the last rooms in the house that needs to be properly set up.

A package of rubber-tipped, plastic clothes pins was also aquired ;)  More on those some other day perhaps!

After we arrived at home, V and I decided to try out the new coffee filters.  She was the one who introduced me to Vietnamese coffee some years ago, so we were pretty pumped to be able to make it at home!

We got everything set up, filled the filters with the chicory coffee, poured a few tablespoons of sweetened condensed milk into our cups, and then poured hot water into the little brewers.

Vietnamese coffee is most commonly served over ice, although you can drink it hot if you prefer.  I got out two big mugs and filled them with ice cubes and once our coffee was done brewing, we stirred it up with the milk and poured it into the mugs of ice.

It was pretty good for our first attempt, although a little on the strong side.  Next time I’ll use a little less coffee to the same amount of water.

402. Make Vietnamese coffee

Speaking of list items, I only have 14 more things to do in 2008!  You might remember some months back I created a mini-list of 50 things I wanted to cross off before the end of this year, and now I’m well over half way there.

Over the weekend I also managed to finish reading one of the books on my list.  Different Loving is a wonderful book for people who are curious about kink and different fetishes and why people are attracted to aspects of the lifestyle.  This is not a ‘How To’ book, but a more objective look at the varieties of play that fall under the BDSM umbrella, and the appeal of each kind.  It’s heavy on the personal anecdotes, and each chapter includes several interviews with people who practice fetishism and kink.

361. Read Different Loving by William Brame & Gloria Brame

Saturday evening was spent relaxing, drinking wine, and watching movies together.  We drank three bottles between us, and then V and I shared a fourth bottle after Jack went to bed, so needless to say we were pretty far gone.  It was a lot of fun, although neither of us felt very spectacular on Sunday morning, LOL.

Jack let me sleep late, and once I got up and had some coffee, he and I went to work on his office.  We finished putting together the second filing cabinet in there and then sat down to tackle the mountain of papers which needed to be sorted and filed.

We got rid of our old desk and filing cabinet when we moved from Ontario, and since then we’ve totally reconstructed our filing methods, but all of our old papers (which were cleaned out of the former filing cabinet) hadn’t been sorted into the new system yet.  There were also piles of old bills and other paper work which needed to be shredded, since we only keep 5 years of records on hand and then shred the previous years as we have the time.

After supper Jack decided he’d had enough of the office, and V ran out to rent a movie and bring us ice cream (she’s such a sweetie!) so we all settled in to watch Made Of Honor.  Since I was still feeling motivated I hauled a whole pile of arts and crafts stuff down to the living room so that I could sort and reorganize it.  Most of those things haven’t been touched in nearly three years, since I never did get my hobby room set up in the last house, which we’d only just moved into around the time that this blog was started.

It felt really good to be so productive, and by the time the movie was over (which was really great, if you like chick flicks) I was finished shorting a good deal of my craft supplies.

My friend from Alberta is arriving on Thursday and I can hardly wait for her to get here!  We have a lot of plans for her visit, and I can’t wait to show her the house and take her on a tour of Toronto.  I’ve been looking forward to her visit for months, since we’ve been planning it since the spring time!

I have to take my laptop in this week as well, since the monitor is starting to go.  I’m hoping it’s just a loose connection or something.  As much as I would love to buy a new laptop right now, I can think of a lot of better ways to spend that much money.  So far everyone I have asked is urging me to get a MacBook, but I don’t think that MSN Messenger is compatible, and I’m not sure how it will work with some of the other programs I use, so I’m still not settled on what exactly to get.  Thoughts?  I currently have a Toshiba Satellite, it’s my second Toshiba laptop and overall I am happy with it, since I really don’t need anything fancy.  I don’t do much with my computer besides blogging, chatting, and photo management, so my requirements are that it be fast online, support MSN messenger, and have some good photo editing software available.  I have an external hard drive, so it doesn’t need to have a ton of memory included.  Help!

Also, congratulations to Jupiter, whom I selected at random to recieve the bottle of lubricant as well as some other fun goodies.  Keep an eye out for other give-aways in the near future

*Title Courtesy Of My Spam Folder

I don’t bruise easily.  This is both a blessing and a curse.  On one hand, I rarely have to give up wearing tank tops (which are a staple of my wardrobe) nor do I have to explain unusual markings to friends, family, or children.  On the other hand, the moon-shaped red welts which had graced my upper arms, shoulders, neck, and collar bone last night when I arrived home, have now faded away.

Varick’s teeth, only a short time before, had left these unique ‘brands’ on my skin while I whimpered and panted in his lap.

While I’d been preparing my offering for the pot luck, earlier that day, Varick had called to enquire into what time I’d planned to leave.  I told him that I was going to head there early so that I would have time to set up the fountain and melt all the chocolate.  He mentioned hoping we could car pool, since he’s on my way.  We discussed where to meet up, since I’d not been to his house, and then he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.

“Well…I was hoping you’d stop by the house to pick me up so that I can lure you inside and have my way with you before we go to the party.”

How could I possibly turn him down?

He gave me directions to his place, and after packing up everything I needed, I was off!  I found his place without incident.  He rents at this really amazing place out of town.  The yard is incredible, with fountains and trees and flowers everywhere.  The house is one of those big old rambling homes, overlooking a meadow.  His room is very nice, giant windows and plenty of room.  He’s a book whore, like me, they were piled everywhere.  Mostly fantasy novels, which I poked through with curiosity.  I asked him if he’d loan me one that he thought I would like, since I’ve never been much for non-fiction.  He rooted through a stack or two and then handed me a big thick paperback. It’s called Fulgrim by Graham McNeill and it looks pretty alright.  I’m willing to give it a read anyway.

Since I’d arrived just as he was stepping out of the shower, he was still getting dressed while we’d had this little exchange about the book.  After I’d tucked it into my purse, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me.

“Did you miss me?” I asked, grinning and tilting my head to one side.  He just chuckled and nipped my nose.

“What do you think?” and he pushed his pelvis up against mind and I could feel his rigid cock through his boxers.

He playfully backed me up against his bed and then pushed me down onto it.  He layed down beside me and we kissed and cuddled and groped each other.

“Really we should get going you know” I said, trying my very hardest to be serious while he nibbled and kissed his way down one side of me neck.  He replied by slipping his hand under my skirt and brushing his finger tips over the inside of my thighs and then between my legs.

The party would just have to wait

He managed to coax two orgasms out of me and came in my mouth over the course of the next half hour.  I’d go into detail but then I’d never get the rest of the story told, hee hee.

Finally we gathered ourselves up and dashed to the grocery store to pick up his contribution to the potluck, which was corn on the cob.  He held my hand in the store, and not just that barely-hanging-on-only-doing-it-out-of-obligation hand hold, but a finger-laced and really meaning it holding hands.  I liked that, as you can tell.

We got a lot of corn, LOL, way more than we needed as it turned out, but no matter.  When we arrived at Deja’s, and hour and a half later than I’d originally planned, she just laughed and gave us a rough time.

Varick and I curled up on the couch for a little while while other guests arrived.  It was a pleasure meeting some of Deja’s other friends, all of them kinksters.  It’s such a wonderful and unique experience being in a room with other people, and not having to watch what you say in terms of BDSM or even poly.  I enjoy it a great deal.

I set up the fountain and Deja and her house girl helped me get it working correctly.  The fountain was a huge hit, everyone was very impressed and there was chocolate being licked off cheeks, chins, noses, and fingers.

Deja suggested we watch a movie before supper got started, and she put in an indie film that was made here in Canada, called Walk All Over Me.  Leave it to Deja to find even the most obscure movie about BDSM.  Varick laid on my chest for the duration of the film, which actually wasn’t terrible, although I did cringe a lot with embarrassment for the leading actress, who just seemed to have nothing but bad luck.

When the movie was over, we all sat down around the table and ate supper together.  There was plenty of laughing and great conversation.  Everyone there, except for me, is going to a 5 day kinky camp out in July.  Unfortunately, due to timing, I can’t attend, much to my disappointment (and Varick’s of course).  However, it was exciting to hear about, and I’ve made reservations for Varick and I at Forbidden in August, so I can’t complain TOO loudly.

At one point he pressed his forehead against mine and made a comment about how he wishes I was coming with him.  He promised to learn all sorts of new things (there are a ton of workshops going on there) which he could then do to me when given the chance.

When our bellies were full we adjourned to the dungeon to watch Deja do a fireplay scene with a Dom/sub couple at the party.  Basically he (the Dom) wanted to learn more, and Deja has been trained by one of the finest and most respected tops in the area.  The rest of us mingled at the door quietly while preparations were made and the scene got underway.

It was marvelous and a little nerve wracking to watch them.  I can only imagine how it feels to lay there, naked and blindfolded, while someone paints on you with alcohol and then lights it on fire.  I quiver at the thought, but I want to experience that some day.  Varick wants to learn, and I’d be willing to let him try on me, with Deja’s supervision of course.  Jack feels rather uncomfortable with this however, so Deja suggested that he and I come to her place sometime, just the two of us, and she can show him in person, to see if that puts his mind at ease.  I’m hopeful I’ll be able to coax him into doing that at least, even if he still says no, so that I can cross fireplay off the bucket list at any rate.

We left the players to their scene and wandered back downstairs.  Varick sat down in this over-sized chair and then had me sit down in front of him.  I leaned back into his chest and we cuddled there for quite some time.

Deja came down with her violet wand and did a short scene with one of the male subs in attendance.  He’d never had the wand before, and he seemed to enjoy it very much.

It was getting later into the night, and I was completely relaxed, snuggled up in Varick’s arms, listening to the others bantering.  He nuzzled my shoulder with his cheek, and then I felt his teeth.  I did my best to whimper quietly while he very slowly, very deliberately bit down harder.  Then he relaxed, ever so slightly, only to clamp down again.  The pain was sharp, intense, and then over as quickly as it had begun.

He repeated this process, many times over, making me gasp and pant, while trying to be still and quiet about it.

It would seem I have a real thing for biting.

Before the night was thru I had his teeth marks all over me.

Later, not long before we left, he had me stand in the middle of the room, with my hands behind my head, while he spanked me.  My rear was sore the next day, even though he hadn’t carried on for more than a few minutes.  There was no warm up, just that wonderful stinging heat.

At around 3am we took our leave, thanking Deja for a wonderful time and then hauling ourselves out to the truck.  We talked a lot on the drive back to his house.  Most of it was intensely personal, so I’m not going to share it here, but lets say Varick and I are a lot the same.  Slow to trust, even slower to allow anyone into the confines of those places we keep secret.  Neither of us feel particularly comfortable being vulnerable with other people (especially each other at this early stage).  He expects the worst from people, and I can’t fault him that, I used to think that way too.  He has some pretty deep emotional wounds, and I don’t expect he’ll really open himself up to me unless I’m willing to stick it out for a long haul.

One of the unfortunate drawbacks to the place where he is renting, is that he’s not permitted overnight guests.  Basically, the homeowner has a ton of nice stuff, which he doesn’t want stolen/broken/etc.  Also, he’s trying to avoid having ‘guests’ practically squatting at his place for periods of time under the guise of visiting any of the boarders.  I can understand that, even though it really sucked when I wanted nothing more than to spend the night there with Varick (he was equally irritated).

After a goodbye ‘quickie’ he wished me a goodnight, promised to see me later in the week, and went inside.  I drove back to my place, crawled in to bed with Jack, and was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

There’s more to discuss as far as Varick goes, but for now I’ll leave it at this.  I’m quite exhausted and I feel like the last four paragraphs are kind of disjointed as is.  I’m off to bed, and I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

After the interesting adventure that was Friday night, I was really looking forward to Saturday afternoon and spending some more time with Varick.

I arrived at Deja’s before he did, which gave her and I some time to talk. I filled her in on the incident with the police officer and she had a good giggle with me over it all. We also talked some about Varick and about the sex party at Goodhandy’s that night. She was a little nervous about going, which surprised me, but all in all she seemed open and excited about the idea.

When Varick arrived he came over and kissed me and then sat down beside me with his arm around me. He rested his head against my shoulder and I remarked that he must still be tired from the night before. Apparently he hadn’t slept well, and was feeling sluggish.

Deja ordered us out to fetch coffee for her, so off we went. When we got back from Tim Hortons, he and I plunked ourselves down on the couch together and cuddled up. We watched some TV while we drank our coffees, and talked a lot about the scene from last weekend. I’d also brought him two books on BDSM, since he likes to read, and I thought he’d find tons of useful information in SM 101 By Jay Wiseman, and Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns By Philip Miller and Molly Devon. Deja agreed that both were very highly recommended, and encouraged him to read both thoroughly.

He flipped through SM 101 and we read passages together, discussing some of the topics covered and commenting on a few things we’d like to try. He was especially glad to see a pre-scene negotiation section, as well as extensive checklists of BDSM related activities.

We sort of lost track of time while we had our noses stuck in the books, and then Deja suggested we figure out what to do for supper. After some discussion we settled on this pub within walking distance, and since it was a beautiful day, we strolled over there together, enjoying the sunshine. I got a chance to check out the way Varick walks, which believe it or not, is a peculiar thing I always notice about a man. How they carry themselves says a lot. Varick has a very confident walk, almost a strut really, but not in an arrogant way. It kind of reminded me of this guy I was seeing around the time that I met Jack. He had this walk that just made me want to follow him anywhere.

At one point the sidewalk was too narrow for us to all walk side by side, so Deja and I fell into step behind Varick, and after a few yards of following him she and I exchanged looks and she remarked that we must look like a pimp with his bitches, and I started laughing so hard because I was having the exact same though. We’re kind of ridiculous actually.

The food was pretty good at the pub, and we talked about upcoming play parties and some other kinky events on the horizon. Hopefully I’ll be attending my first play party later this month Looking forward to that.

Bellies full, we sauntered back to Deja’s place. Varick decided that all my cheekiness had certainly earned me a good whipping, so he sent me off to the dungeon to get ready. I stripped down, put on my cuffs, and waited for him by the St. Andrew’s Cross. He opted to blindfold me again, and then snapped my cuffs to the cross and ran his hands up my body. He started on the outsides of my thighs, slowly proceeded up over my hips, my sides, around to my breasts, and then up to my collar bones. He was pressed against my back and his chin was resting on my shoulder. I was already trembling with anticipation, and when he asked if I was ready to begin, I nodded enthusiastically.

He nibbled my ear and then stepped away. Warming up commenced with him giving me some spanks with his hands, and then he selected one of the soft floggers and started in on me. After he was satisfied that I was ready to move on, he began with one of the thuddier, suede implements. Even though the pain was not significant at that point, my brain started swimming, and I could feel my pussy tingling. He paused often to run his fingers over me, and pinch my nipples while simultaneously biting my shoulder. I could feel droplets of liquid begin running down the insides of my thighs, and when he touched my ass I pushed into his hand, begging him like a slut, to touch between my legs.

Alas he did not indulge me, and continued the flogging, checking in with me several times. “Harder” and “Green” were about all I could manage to croak out when he enquired as to how I was doing. I was lost in the moment, and then there were fingernails, leaving trails of fire in their wake. I started panting and quivering, the change of sensation was significant and woke me up enough from my trance that I realized it was Deja and not Varick. The fingernails finished their work on my back, and then withdrew. I stood, braced for whatever was coming. The pause seemed to drag on forever, and then there was a hiss and a crack and I felt my flesh welt and sting. I gasped and threw myself against the cross. Another pause, followed by a series of hisses and cracks and sharp pain and yelping. I knew it was Deja’s single-tail, which hadn’t been used on me before.

There were plenty of pauses during that stretch of the scene, and a number of times when the whip only got near enough for me to feel the ‘breeze’ it created, which made me twitch none the less.

My skin was glistening with sweat and I was trembling hard by the time he finished with the whip. His hands were on me again, and he grabbed a fist full of dreads and pulled my head back, kissing me hard on the mouth. My knees threatened to buckle under me. He let me go and started cooling down the scene. He made sure to stroke and nuzzle me a lot while using some of the very soft floggers on me. I reluctantly wandered back from that far off place, and when he covered me with a blanket and held me tight, I sighed contently and leaned against him.

Carefully he unsnapped the cuffs and gave me a moment to regroup. He made sure I couldn’t fall down, and offered me a bottle of water right away, which I accepted gratefully.

Once I had gathered my wits again, Deja came in and we talked a bit about the scene. She asked us if we wanted to see her violet wand, since she knew I was curious about it. Varick started cleaning the equipment while she got it out and hooked it all up.

It was an interesting sensation when the wand was passed over the skin. Kind of stingy, but also tingly, sort of like getting a tattoo, but less intense. She also had this attachment where she holds onto this rod and then when she touches you, you get a shock, like static, but stronger. That one was cool. She lured me into kissing her and I got quite the zap to the lips and nose, LOL. I was glad to try it, plus I get to cross something off the bucket list:

413. Have a Violet Wand used on me

I could tell that something was off with Varick. He seemed different while he cleaned up, and I was unsure what was wrong. Deja had some things to do in her office so he and I went downstairs. I sat on the couch, stretched out on it, and had him come and sit down, between my legs, which I wrapped around him, with his cheek on my chest. I asked him quietly what was wrong and he said he just felt weird, and kind of down. I thought it might be Top Drop* so I just stroked his hair and kissed his forehead.

I felt him shudder against me and when I looked down at his face I noticed that he was crying. I hugged him tight and just allowed him to get it out. I was so honored that he was allowing me to see this part of him. I really, really struggle with being so vulnerable and emotional in front of other people, so I know how hard it can be. I treated it as if he was sharing a special gift with me, and I didn’t push for an explanation. I just held him close to me, with my cheek against his hair.

When he seemed to relax he lifted his head and I gave him a little kiss. He apologised and I told him not to apologise, that it was perfectly ok. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he just felt really vulnerable, and like he’d let his guard down with me, and it scared him. I kind of wanted to say “Yeah, I do that to people all the time” but it wasn’t really necessary. I have a very disarming way about me, or so I am told by friends and family.

We cuddled some more, and he said that he didn’t feel like going out, but didn’t want to ruin it for Deja and I. About part way through that he was overwhelmed again and I told him not to worry about it. He made some remarks about how he’s usually always on the defensive with people and suddenly he just felt all exposed.

He said he wanted to step outside, get some air. I offered to go with him but he said he just needed to be by himself for a moment. He went off and I went up to tell Deja what was going on. She got all worried about him too and we debated back and forth about what might be going on.

“Maybe he’s falling for you and he’s all conflicted about it” she said with a grin. I was kind of thinking along the same lines, based on what he’d said about being all vulnerable with me.

She said I should go look for him after he’d been gone about 10 minutes. I decided that would probably be a good idea, just to make sure he was ok. I wandered around the paths behind Deja’s house, and eventually found him, on his way back. We stopped where we met each other and I gave him a hug and a kiss and asked him if he was ok. He said he felt better and he took my hand and we walked back to the house together.

We all sat down in the living room and Deja asked him about his feelings. He said that being with me the night before and then again that day had caused him to let down his walls, and he hadn’t really expected that. He said he hadn’t been vulnerable like that with anyone for a long time, and that what we do in regards to the BDSM is so intense that he was just overwhelmed by it.

Deja went to make him some tea and I whispered to him that really it’s not so bad being vulnerable. He choked up, and shook his head.

“What happened to you?” I asked gently, not wanting to prod too much. He said something about having been hurt badly in the past and that was all I needed to hear. He added that he hadn’t allowed himself to open up to anyone for a long time, and that it was difficult for him. Clearly he has some pretty significant emotional scars, and he’s been closed off and keeping to himself for a while.

He tried to insist that Deja and I go to Goodhandy’s without it, but she and I had already agreed that he wasn’t in any shape to go and if he wasn’t coming with us, we didn’t want to go either. He relented, once we made it clear that we would not be swayed. Deja suggested that we watch a couple of movies instead, and of course he picked I Am Legend, which he knew would scare me because I am a huge wuss when it comes to anything ’scary’ LOL. He offered to let me hold onto him if I was scared, LOL, what a gentleman

We settled in to watch. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought and I only had to close my eyes a few times. He and I were cuddled up together on the couch, Deja was sitting near me on the other couch and she made a point of grabbing me and shrieking during a particularly tense part, which almost resulted in me jumping off the couch. Cruel woman.

No spoilers here, so no worries. I liked the movie overall, although I don’t think I’ll sleep again, ever.

Next we put in The Notorious Bettie Page, which I’ve seen before. I liked watching it again, because it’s an awesome movie! Varick and Deja hadn’t seen it before and they seemed to really enjoy it as well.

After that movie was over Deja put on the TV and Varick and I switched positions so that he was stretched out on his side and I was stretched out beside him, nuzzled into his chest. I dozed off a few times and he teased me about snoring. Deja invited me to stay the night but I didn’t think Jack would go for it so I declined (only to find out yesterday that he would have been fine with it, damn!) and got ready to head home.

Varick and Deja saw me off at the door. Varick kissed me softly and we hugged, and I hugged and kissed Deja, and off I trotted to my van. The drive home was long, but I made it and crawled into bed with Jack somewhere around 4am.

Yesterday I talked to Deja about what had happened with Varick and she’s pretty confident that he likes me a great deal and he’s kind of freaked out about it. She told me at least a dozen times to ‘go slow’ with him and that she thinks if I go about it the right way, I can help him get past his baggage. She doesn’t want to see either if us get crushed, nor does she want to end up in the middle if things go to hell. I promised her I just want to care for him and that I’m going to be gentle with his feelings and not rush anything.

I’ll admit I was angsty over it all. I was worried that he would pull away or maybe not want to see me again because he’s afraid of what’s happening. He called me later in the day to check in and see how I was doing. He still doesnt know (or doesn’t want to talk about) what was going on with him specifically, but I didn’t press the matter since I know he needs time to figure himself out.

We talked about getting together and I mentioned Jack being away for work on Thursday and Friday this week, and perhaps he’d want to come over after the munchkins were in bed to keep me company. I lured him into saying yes with promises of a hot bath in the jacuzzi, and a massage afterwards. There was also mention of the Tantra chair, and the sex swing. Yum. Jack was pleased that I would have company in his absence, since he knows I get lonely when he is away.

Hopefully he’ll get more comfortable talking about his feelings and I can find out exactly what’s caused him so much distress. So, rather than dreading Jack being gone, I’m actually looking forward to it a little.

*TOP DROP: Colloquial A sudden, abrupt feeling of depression, unhappiness, or similar negative emotion in a dominant which may occasionally occur immediately after a period of BDSM activity. May include feelings of guilt, especially if the dominant believes he or she has made an error, or has traditional ideas about relationship or socially appropriate behavior.

Thanks to a good blogger buddy of mine, my attention was drawn to this incredible article on polyamory over a Freaksexual. I’d never been over to that particular blog before, but I’m certainly glad I found it. Check it out, it’s very well written.

The first of the five new books I am reading this year was Anatomy Of Love: A Natural History Of Mating, Marriage, And Why We Stray By Helen Fisher. I’ll tell ya, this book is a S-L-O-W read. Normally I can breeze through a book of it’s size in a week or two, but this book challenged me to think, hard, and it took a great deal of time to mentally digest all of the fascinating information held within it’s pages. I love those sorts of books. It’s so much more satisfying once you make it to the end.

To break this book down to the very basics (not easy to do, trust me) it could be called a very thorough examination of human sexuality throughout our evolution. It starts right at the beginning of time, and speaks at great length about how sexual beliefs and practices have come to be through the ages. It examines countless other cultures, which I enjoyed a great deal. Books that are completely based on western culture and then claim to represent humans the world over irritate me. This is not one of those books.

It has an excellent balance of speculative versus factual information. The flow of the book is easy to understand and it’s organized chronologically. It also remained very neutral on subjects such as monogamy/non-monogamy, which was refreshing. I know that sometimes books claim to be neutral, and yet you can sense a sort of ‘tone’ about the writing that hints subtle preferences or agreement with one or the other. Not so with this book. In fact it’s almost entirely devoid of emotion, clearly wanting to stick to the scientific analysis, rather than taking a moral stance.

It was incredibly interesting to learn about how early humans related to each other, and how our mating practices came into being. It also taught me a great deal about marriage and how monogamy came into practice (like most primates, early humans were very likely not monogamous).

Without revealing too much of ‘good parts’ it certainly makes one think a great deal about our society. Sexuality, relations between men and women, and our commonly held beliefs about monogamy and marriage seem to be coming full circle. I think that as men and women come to depend on each other less and less for financial security and reasons related to material things, we will see a return to more ‘natural’ patterns of relationships.

Actually, I can’t come up with a single negative comment on this book. It completely exceeded all of my expectations.

If you enjoy being challenged mentally, and find history and evolutionary theories interesting, give this book a read. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

This Book Receives:

Recently there was a pretty good article published in an Edmonton magazine, about polyamory.

Take A Peek!

Considering how mostly-conservative this province is, I was pleased to see it.

It’s not very long, and my only disappointment is that they only interviewed one family. Perhaps they couldn’t find anyone else who wanted to take part, who knows.

I do have to give them props for using a MMF family, and not the ‘typical’ FMF. Having a bi-sexual male as the hinge in a V is a pretty cool thing.

I love to read. I think it’s one of my top five favorite things to do. Every time people ask me what I want for Christmas or my birthday, I usually ask for a gift card from a book store. Or when I want to spoil myself a little, I usually treat myself to a new book. Hurray for book love!

My mum generously gave me a gift card for Chapters recently which I finally got around to spending. Sadly I can’t really tell her what books her gift went towards purchasing because these are the ones I ordered:

The Art Of Seduction - By Robert Greene

Anatomy Of Love - By Helen Fisher

The Myth Of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People - By David Barash Ph.D

When Someone You Love Is Kinky - By Dossie Easton

Different Loving - William Brame

Hand In The Bush - Deborah Addington

Somehow, I don’t think my mum would be pleased that I got a book about vaginal fisting, LOL.

My new collection of reading materials should be here before the end of the month As a bonus, I’ll be able to achieve one of the goals on my list of reading five new books this year! I shall also be posting reviews of each one as I finish it, if that would be of interest to anyone.

On a separate note, just a little reminder to everyone, if you want to receive top secret info about this blog, previews of toy reviews, and the inside track on any upcoming ‘events’ feel free to sign up for the newsletter. It only comes out once a month (if that) and I promise you won’t get spammed or invaded with viruses as a result. You can sign up for it in my sidebar, just to the right there, under the ‘About’ section. Enter your e-mail address and you are good to go. I don’t get to see any personal information about you, including whatever name is associated with the e-mail address you provide. So come on, you know you wanna

Since this post is just going to be an odd mix of whatever I happen to come to mind, I guess I’ll throw in a little emotional garbage for fun as well.

For whatever reason my personal disdain for my body has been worse than ever. Last night I worked myself into such a state that I could hardly sleep, which is dumb. All because poor Jack didn’t say the exact right thing at the exact right time and I took it WAY too personally. Of course then my irritating inner voices kicked in, reminding me that I am actually quite hideous to look at. I’m certainly not beautiful according to the standards of mainstream society. Most guys never have the reaction to me that they have to those really tall, thin, perfect girls. I get called ‘cute’ or ‘nice’ or sometimes ‘pretty’ but sometimes that just isn’t good enough. Which is actually pretty sad of me, because everyone who knows me pretty much adores me as a person. I know that I am smart, I can have really intelligent conversation, and I make people think. I’m hilarious, people that I work with tell me that I am always laughing, and that they look forward to being around me because I am so much fun. I can list of loads and loads of great qualities about myself, and I have heaps of self-confidence when it comes to pretty much everything, except for how I look.

In light of all the emotional turmoil surrounding the possibility of Jack sleeping with someone else has forced me to dredge up all the things that make me feel like crap. I want to deal with these feelings. I hate it that I get angry whenever I think about him having a sexual relationship with anyone else. I need to get over it, or at least learn how to tolerate it better.

I have reflected a lot on why it’s specifically the sexual part that bothers me. The feelings part is fine, I don’t mind him dating or hanging out with girls, even kissing them is fine. As soon as it starts to go past that, I start to get weird.

We talked about it last night for a while and I have really come to the conclusion that my body issues are the entire cause. I don’t get jealous about his emotional connection to others because I know that Jack loves me and that I love him and nothing will change that. I don’t get concerned over other aspects of relationships because I have confidence in myself, and my worth as a partner, wife, girlfriend, whatever.

The only place where I feel inferior is when it comes to appearance. Which is crap, because who really cares about that? Well apparently I do, and it’s giving me a huge complex. I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. In fact whenever I do I want to cry because all I see is ugly. Rationally I know it’s not entirely true. I mean, I have an average face, my eyes are nice, I have fantastic hair. There are select things that I can see beauty in, but overall, I just hate myself.

Some of the things are never going to go away. I know that no matter what I do, I am never going to look exactly the way I want because I’m not 16 anymore and I can’t go back to that. I need to find a way to accept my body for the wonderful thing that it is. As someone once pointed out to me, I have travelled a great distance in this body. We’ve been through a lot together. It has carried two babies and brought them into the world, which in itself is an incredible thing. I know people who would gladly take this body, if it meant they could have a child. I need to appreciate the things that I have, even when it comes to my body. How to do that I am not yet sure. I am hopeful that the retreat I am going on will produce some answers to this problem.

So no real progress on that front, just a better understanding of the problem.

*Sighs* This post was way more impressive but blogger ate part of it, Christ!

So here is the gist of what else I had to say:

I need advice on dating girls, since I am considering doing so but I have no idea how to meet them or woo them. Help me.

Here is a video of a song I really liked back in the day:

I don’t think that there was anything else especially interesting to report. Hope everyone had a good Monday

*Gregory Maguire

Sadly breakups seem to be going around lately.

Here’s a little blurb from one of my new favorite sites, on the topic of breakups.

Now It’s Time To Say Goodbye

Now dear readers, what do you think makes a breakup ‘good’ or ‘bad’? Is there ever really such a thing as mutual breakups? Or is it more likely one party is just going along with the other in order not to make waves? Thoughts on such things are welcomes, as always

A sort of interesting little blurb about polyamory. I like the parts where she says that having an affair or being gay is more socially acceptable than having more than one love.

LUST LIFE
Polyamory

By Stephanie Sellars

Is the Pursuit of Happiness Valid or Merely Self-Serving?

A college professor who attended one of my lectures labeled the pursuit of happiness trivial, self-indulgent and self-serving. I don’t know what his experiences may have been but I have noted that when people are happy, they are much more loving, supportive and available to themselves and to those they touch. However, most ‘reasonable’ people might argue that dealing with poverty, sickness, war and nuclear disarmament should certainly take precedence over a person’s concern for individual happiness. The implication is that happiness, as the professor claimed, is not only self-serving but limited in impact and therefore not worthy of elevated status.
And yet, the founding fathers of our own government viewed the subject so significant that they included the ‘pursuit of happiness’ as an inalienable right in the Declaration of Independence. Beyond memorizing that document and those words as students, few of us, if any, studied the subject of happiness as attentively as we did language arts, mathematics, social studies and science. We never learned to acknowledge such a focus as truly valid or valuable. Although schools offer a vast array of subject areas for study (literature, history, psychology, biology, business administration, medical science, ecology, astrophysics, nautical engineering), no primary school, high school or university offers courses in the pursuit of happiness. No wonder we have learned to disregard the subject or ‘put it aside’ for what we conclude to be more immediate and significant concerns.
The irony is that for ourselves individually and for the planet collectively there perhaps is no more pressing issue than personal happiness. To be happy (and all that ‘happy’ implies - comfortable, loving, accepting, nonjudgemental, joyful, at peace with oneself) might in fact be the most pertinent prescription for dealing with what most of us are concerned with on a global, familial, and personal basis.
So often we strive to change the world around us by changing others. We focus on external solutions to problems which can appear so overwhelming and complex that any reasonable hope of success seems remote. ‘What can I do?’ we ask ourselves in despair. ‘I’m just one person.’
Have we overlooked the most obvious and achievable approach to our problems even though at first it might appear simplistic - to be happy and loving?
If just one person changed, becomes happier, touches another with a more loving and peaceful hand, then the world has, indeed, become a more peaceful place. If each of us acknowledged him- or herself as one entity in an interlocking network of interactions (as lover, parent, friend, child, sibling, coworker, citizen), then, like the stones dropped into a pond, our evolution will cause countless ripples. Our capacity to change enables us to make a truly profound difference in the world.

- Happiness Is A Choice by Barry Neil Kaufman