Stiletto Diaries

I really miss having a regular play partner. 

I’ve been reading one of the kink/fetish books I have on my list and it’s only served to remind me of what I’m missing out on.  I haven’t had any time to devote to rectifying the situation, and to tell you the truth, I’m a little tired of looking.

Still, I can’t deny that I crave it.

I’ve been reading said book at work, and on more than one occasion I’ve had to excuse myself to the bathroom to masturbate frantically, which really doesn’t scratch the itch at all, but at least provides a temporary distraction.  Yes, I am a naughty pet indeed.

Recently I was at the dollar store picking up some things for a project that V and I have been working on, and as I browsed the isles I came across half a dozen really wonderful items for playing.  I debated buying them.  Do I really need more toys?  They are just going to languish in my closet for goodness knows how long, perhaps never again to see the light of day!

I bought them anyway.  I mean, really, you can’t go wrong for the price, and I need not be so cynical.  Thus, I brought home a plastic shoe horn, a metal ruler, and three different glove type things for different sensations.  Perhaps they will sit a long time before getting used, but I have to believe that someday it’ll actually happen, because these urges are not going away any time soon.

I lust after the ideal Dominant.  Certainly no one is perfect, but I should hope that there is someone perfect for me, in that our interests and kinks compliment each other and we are able to connect in such a way that facilitates play on the level I am looking for.

The desire waxes and wanes of course, like all things.  After I’d established that Jack and I were just not on the same page in terms of BDSM I went through a long spell of not really caring for it overall.  Over the past year however, it’s resurfaced, reminding me again that I have a need, to find myself on my knees at the feet of someone who takes great pleasure in my submitting to them.  Who has the power and the confidence to inspire my submission, rather than just expecting it automatically.

He also must already know what he is doing.  I’m tired of being the teacher.  I’m tired of being on the receiving end of lackadaisical attempts and half-hearted gestures.  If I’m not playing with someone as eager and excited as I am, then is there any point?  No!

At any rate, it’s easy to feel discouraged when it seems as though everyone is having a good time except for you.

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So my date went really well last night, although we have established that we’d just like to be friends.  We had a really wonderful, excited intellectual conversation about all sorts of sexual and poly related topics.  We certainly connected in that capacity, but the rest just wasn’t there.  At the very least, I have someone new to have passionate and enthusiastic conversations with, who likes to read a lot of the same books, and all of that great stuff.

There are two other potentials on the horizon at the moment.  Both of them are exceedingly busy until summer ends, which is just as well, since so am I.  Hopefully coffee dates will come to fruition in September.

I still haven’t decided exactly what I want to do this weekend for my birthday.  On Friday Jack is taking me out for dinner and drinks.  I think we’ll try this sushi place I heard about but haven’t been to yet.  The rest of the weekend is still open to whatever I might be inclined to do.  Perhaps I shall peruse my bucket list for inspiration.  I’d love to run off to Ottawa for the weekend or something, so that’s one option.  We could also go in to Toronto, or to Niagara Falls.

We’re applying for passports this week, since Jack keeps dropping hints about taking me on a surprise trip somewhere.  I know he’s been dying to take me to Vegas for years.  I guess the backlog isn’t horrible right now, so it should only take a couple of weeks for processing.  Plus, I’ll get to cross another thing off my list!

I’m feeling oddly anxious today, for no good reason at all.  It’s been a great while since I’ve had a day like this, so I am sure it’ll pass, it’s just unnerving.  At any rate, it’s not doing anything helpful for my blogging mojo, LOL.

*Steven Meretzky

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I really, really want to write about my weekend at Forbidden, but it feels like my thoughts are scattered and disjointed.  The entire experience was so surreal…so intense, on so many levels.  It was pleasure and pain and wonder and distress, all wrapped up into a scant 41 hours.

Before I begin, let me say to Red, that you were right.  I was a stupid, stupid girl for not ending it immediately on Tuesday night when I had the opportunity.

A lot of things that happened at the camp will stay private, because there is a certain understanding that what happens in the kinky circles, stays in the kinky circles.

I will tell you, however, that Varick and I did not get along well during the time we were there.  Sadly, I think that we had already decided that we’d had enough of each other, but for some ridiculous reason decided to suffer through the weekend pretending to be together.  It made things uncomfortable for both of us, and aside from a brief 45 minutes of play, we didn’t connect at all.

Friday evening, after setting up and making the rounds to say hello, I retired to bed early while he sat around a fire elsewhere.  At around 2:00am he crawled into bed and I let him cuddle against me to warm up.  I asked him how he wanted his eggs in the morning, and then we fell asleep.

I tend to be a naturally early riser (and I’m also a serious night owl, which is confusing, LOL) so I woke up around 7:30 Saturday morning.  I slithered out of bed and pulled on a bit of clothing and slipped out into the morning sun to use the bathroom and make some coffee.  There were people walking around in the nude already and even though I was barely wearing anything I chuckled to myself about feeling ‘over dressed’.

With Old Crow Medicine Show playing on the little speakers I bought for my iPod, I put water on for coffee and started rounding up breakfast.  It was a gorgeous morning, and I LOVE cooking outside while camping.  It’s one of my favorite things about being out in the woods.

Varick surfaced, wearing only his jeans and runners.  He went to the bathroom and then returned, at which point I told him to go back to bed and that I would call him when breakfast was ready.  He remarked on the music I was playing (apparently he is not a fan) and I replied that if he was the one up first, cooking breakfast, then he could pick the music.

He went back inside the tent and I finished the eggs and sausage and poured him a glass of orange juice.  I wanted the day to go well, so I took him breakfast in bed (a pleasure he’d never received before).  He was at least polite and thanked me for cooking.  We ate and then he got dressed while I cleaned up.

After wandering around and saying hello to people we knew, we ended up at Deja’s camp site for a good part of the morning.  I could tell that something was off with Varick.  While I was making my best effort to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible, he acted as though he didn’t want to be within ten feet of me.  I don’t think that anyone picked up on it, aside from me, but it was hurtful and irritating.

There was a Booze Cruise happening early in the afternoon, hosted by a bunch of the seasonal campers.  Basically anyone who wanted to participate followed the host, who led us from site to site, and at each there was free drinks and food.  I hadn’t planned to drink, since I hoped to play and generally the two don’t mix well.  However, I didn’t see much action in my near future, so I went with Deja and we hit a few of the stops.  It had been a while since breakfast and I drank six shots at one stop (no one wanted theirs because it was WAY strong) so I was feeling lightheaded almost immediately.

I had a great time on the Booze Cruise, and made some new friends along the way.  At some point I had to cut myself off however, before I was totally wasted and therefore useless for the rest of the evening.

Varick and I headed back to our site around supper time to make something to eat.  We ate and then I went into the tent for something (I can’t recall exactly what it was) and he followed me.  Perhaps he was making an effort to dispel the weirdness between us, but we played for a while, unexpectedly really.  It was certainly the most intense scene we’d ever had, in terms of both his choice of implements and how hard he used them on me.

He caned me and paddled me and used the crop and that horrid wheel.  I still have an impressive collection of bruises and cane stripes across my ass and thighs, and I don’t bruise easily.  I wanted him to hit me harder, but he’s still too nervous about hurting the person he is beating on.

When he was finished he wrapped me up in a blanket and held me for a while.  It was certainly the most intimate moment of the weekend, but I could tell that he was still very distant.  Really, it didn’t matter much, I got what I wanted for the most part.

There was drumming at Deja’s camp as the sun went down.  I had thought of bringing my drum and then opted not to, and man was I kicking myself.  On the bright side, there were a couple of massage tables set up, and the submissives were taking turns being drummed on.

I got my turn, although I felt uncomfortable at the idea of getting completely naked in front of no less than 30 people.  Despite my reservations, I stepped out of my comfort zone, slipped out of my tiny skirt and tank top and layed down on my front on the table.

Three people used canes to drum on the length of my body.  My ass was still very sore from the earlier beating, a fact that a particular Dom friend of mine used to his advantage, making me yelp several times with particularly enthusiastic drumming.  It was an amazing experience, being nude in the firelight while people pounded out music on an assortment of instruments, including my skin.

When they were done with me I got dressed and sat down beside Varick again.  He seemed tired, so I suggested he head to bed, which he did, even though it was only 10:00pm.

Some time later I found myself naked on the table again, this time on my back.  Deja and that nice Dom were pouring hot wax onto my flesh while I moaned and wriggled.  There was wax from my neck to my toes and everywhere in between.  The heat wasn’t enough to burn, but it felt like liquid fire when they dripped generous amounts over my breasts and pussy.

278. Have hot wax poured on my naked body

Once I was sufficiently covered, the Dom picked up his long dagger and proceeded to drag the tip over my skin.  I shuddered and did my best to keep still while the blade slipped over my flesh, scrapping the wax away from my body.

When he slipped it between my legs and up between my pussy lips I was panting so hard I thought I might hyperventilate.  Then he rested the tip on my clit and wiggled it, and I wanted to turn myself inside out.  He nearly made me cum with his knife, which in itself was incredible.

291. Experience knife play

When it was done, Deja covered me with a blanket, and I layed there looking up at the stars through the leaves of the trees.  The fire crackled behind me while I processed what had just occurred.  All that was missing was someone to take me in their arms while my head swam with endorphins.  I missed Jack intensely in that moment.  I wished with all my being that I had gone to Forbidden with anyone but Varick.

Only when I was certain I could stand on my own did I sit up and slip off the table, still wrapped in Varick’s blanket (which he’d left with me before going to bed).  I sat down by the fire, naked and covered in bits of wax and baby oil (they put that on first to make it easier for the wax to be removed after) and listened to the conversation around me.  I felt…peaceful, but alone.  It was strange, but a good experience overall.

Later I went back to my tent and stood in the moonlight completely nude.  I rinsed myself off as well as I could, and then went inside to put on some warmer clothing.  Varick woke some and asked me how I was doing.  I replied that I was good while I slipped into my jeans and a hoodie.  I told him to go back to sleep while I zipped the door closed behind me.

Deja suggested we got for a quick swim before they closed the pool.  I hadn’t brought a suit, but everyone was going naked anyway, so we stripped off and took a quick dip.  We didn’t linger too long, since it was nearly 1:00am and the water was rapidly cooling off.

66. Skinny dip in the dark

I dried myself off and bid Deja a good night before going to bed myself.  There was no cuddling that night, Varick stayed on his side of the bed and I stayed on mine.

When I woke the next day the first order of business was coffee, and the second was writing Varick a letter about how I felt.  I wasn’t sure that I would give it to him, but I needed to do something to get it all out.  I tucked it away before he got out of bed, glad to have at least organized my thoughts somewhat.

We ate a light breakfast and then did a little visiting.  I felt hungover, although I had been sober long before I went to bed.  I think it was exhaustion from all the play the day before, and I was emotionally raw and overwhelmed.

He helped me pack everything up and we left an hour earlier than planned because I just wanted to get home and be with Jack.

During the first half of the ride it was uncomfortably quiet.  Finally I couldn’t stand it and just asked him point blank if he still wanted to be together.  He admitted that he didn’t, and that he couldn’t meet my relationship requirements.  I said that it was better this way, and that clearly we were not right for each other.  I wished out loud that he had said something before the weekend, to which he replied that he ‘just wanted us to have a nice weekend together’.

“Well, it WASN’T” I stated flatly.  I felt like telling him that I could think of at least half a dozen people offhand that I would have rather spent the time with, but it’s just as much my fault for not writing him off last week when I had the chance.

“I hope things aren’t awkward” he mentioned “since we will probably see a lot of each other”.

“We’re adults Varick, I am sure we can handle it” I replied.  It’s somewhat unfortunate that we have so many mutual friends in the community, but as I said, we can handle it.  Or at least I can, we shall see about him.

I dropped him off at his place and we hugged uncomfortably before saying goodbye.  I drove towards home, and I cried bitterly because even though I shouldn’t feel replaced, I do.  I also felt rejected, even though I had initiated the sequence of events on Tuesday.  I was angry that I had spent even ONE moment of the weekend feeling awkward over him.

Jack and V and the kids were out, and I didn’t want to be alone just then, so I went to Nia’s.  She hugged me and listened while I explained what had happened.  We talked about communication and how irritating it is when other people don’t seem to get it.  I had wanted to give him the opportunity to prove that he wanted what I wanted, and instead he made up his mind that it was over and then drug it out through our time together.

When I got home I packed some things inside, put away groceries, cleaned the cooler, and then had a long shower.  Jack and V and the kids arrived shortly after I finished, and we had supper together before putting kids to bed and then renting Shortbus.  If you haven’t seen it, and you are into sexually explicit drama/comedies, it’s worth seeing.  I really enjoyed it.

Eventually it was just Jack and I in bed together.  I cried some more, and then we fucked.  It was rough and hard and exactly what I needed.  When I eventually orgasmed, with his hand cupped firmly over my pussy, I wept again from the intensity of it.  I don’t think I’ve ever cum that hard.

Afterwards Jack and I cuddled and I thanked every diety I know for what I have with him.  I often question why I struggle through these extra relationships when I don’t have to.  Why do I subject myself to the upset and the potential for pain when I could stay home and be with someone who will love me forever?

I am addicted to the good parts I suppose.  The payoff can be beautiful, and because each time I make a connection with someone I learn something new about myself and about the world.

Finding the value in all things is vital to survival.  I am glad for what I learned from Varick.  I gained some personal clarity regarding the sort of relationships I am interested in, and I think it will be a great while before I get tangled up with someone so immature and inexperienced.  As Jack said to me last night, while he held me so tight and lovingly touched my black and blue rear end, I need to stop looking for a ‘project’ and start demanding partners who already have their shit together and know who they are and what they want.

Even though it really is better that we’ve ended things, I am still mourning the loss of a regular play partner.  It was lovely to be able to indulge that part of myself and experience some things I had been wanting to try.  I hope it won’t be too long before I have the opportunity again.

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So, last night as Nia and I are driving to the pub where the munch is held, my phone starts ringing. Varick’s ringtone is currently Hot N Cold by Katy Perry, because the first line “You change your mind like a girl changes clothes” pretty much sums up my perception of him recently. If you are not familiar, go download it here, for free!

Anyway, I knew it was him, so I answered and he was all “Hey, are you coming to the munch tonight?” and I said that I was, and that I had just pulled into the parking lot. Nia saw him and said “Oh he’s cute” as we were getting out of the truck.

“Yup, he is, fuckin asshole” I said under my breath with a chuckle. He strolled over and I introduced them. Then he turned to me and asked if I was planning to give him a hug. I obliged, although it felt awkward, and it didn’t include any kissing because I pulled away quickly.

We all sauntered into the pub and headed to the room where the group always meets. Greetings and hugs were exchanged with many people, and then the three of us sat down at a table together.

“I was thinking we should discuss the camping trip this weekend, and what all we have to bring” Varick said to me. I just nodded and shot Nia a glance. She sort of smirked knowingly.

Since she and I hadn’t seen each other in almost two months, we spent a good part of the evening swapping stories, while Varick listened. He kept touching my leg under the table or running his fingertips up my side. I basically ignored his attentions, and he seemed to get the hint after an hour or so and abandoned his attempts.

Later into the evening, while Nia was having a conversation with this other nice pair of people, Varick looked at me and asked what was going on. I told him that I needed to talk to him but now was not the time. He looked a little nervous and asked what he’d done wrong.

“We will talk about it later” I said, not wanting to get into it right there at that moment. A short time later we were all outside, and Nia was all “Uh, I think I am going to take a walk…over there!” and she wandered away. I wanted to tell her to stay so that I wouldn’t have to get into it with Varick, who was looking at me expectantly.

Getting started wasn’t easy, but once I stumbled through the first few sentances, I managed to spit out exactly what I wanted to say. I told him that I had been disappointed with the way that he acted when he came over the day I got home from America.

“You KNOW I have a really hard time around new people though” he said, referring to meeting V that evening. “You should know that I was just feeling awkward.”

“But I don’t know that Varick. I mean, I know you have anxiety in social situations, but I don’t know you well enough to always accurately interpret your behaviour. You’re so difficult to get close to, I can only figure out what your actions mean based on my own perceptions.”

He seemed to get what I was saying. So I continued on, telling him that I want to be with someone who is interested in my life and who cares about what is going on with me. He admitted he was pretty crappy about that sort of thing.

I also mentioned not knowing where I stand with him, and that I need him to be more forthcoming with his feelings. I told him that I know it’s hard to be vulnerable, because I have a real struggle with it too. He was looking at the ground by this point, his jaw was clenched and he looked like he was on the verge of tears.

So he does have feelings after all, he just suppresses the hell out of them, but I seem to have found the key to opening that door (and it actually didn’t have anything directly to do with me).

I asked him if he wanted to break up, and I told him that I had intended to end it that evening. If he hadn’t grasped how serious I was, he did then.

“I don’t want to break up” he said softly. “I know you want an answer about where we stand, but I think I need some time to figure myself out.”

During the course of the conversation I also found out that he has never had a serious relationship before. He’s even LESS experienced than I though, and I get the impression he’s never been in love. Good Gods what am I getting myself into.

As the conversation came to a close he said he had a lot of things to think about. He seemed to be feeling really dejected, and it took everything in me not to coddle him and take it all back. I generally do not enjoy inflicting discomfort on people I care about (if I don’t care about them, well, that’s another thing, LOL) so it was hard to see him like that.

When we were saying goodbye he asked me for a hug, which I gladly gave him. Then he asked if I was expecting him to kiss me.

“I only want you to kiss me if you WANT to kiss me” I said. So he did, and then he pressed his forehead against mine and sighed softly. We stood like that for a moment, and then hugged again, and kissed again, and then went our separate ways.

We are still going to Forbidden this weekend, and I know it will be a good experience. This is our first ‘big heavy’ relationship talk, so if we make it, I think we’ll be fine for a while. If we don’t, well then that is as it should be. Once he’s had some time to figure his shit out, we can discuss it some more. While he is doing that Jack suggested I decide specifically what I want in this relationship so that I can spell it out for him. Since he has no idea what he is doing, just trying to muddle through could prove frustrating. Plus if I lay it all out now he can decide if he wants the same/similar things from this.

Perhaps I am foolish to give him any opportunity to prove himself, but honestly, I don’t think it’s a matter of him being a dick, I think he just has NO freakin idea how to act in a relationship. The conversation we had last night was revealing in a number of ways, and I get the sense that he really does care for me in some capacity.

Despite the potential weirdness, I am really looking forward to the weekend! Hopefully I can get Varick or Deja to take some photos of our play (or just my bruises) for posting once I get back, but no promises

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GOOD MORNING!!! I am writing this at a picnic table near Sheridan, Wyoming at about 7:30 in the morning. V and I pulled into a KOA (Kampground of America) last night at the end of Shasta & V Do America - Day Two. The trip has been really awesome so far, although our patience and resiliency are being put to the test. A plethora of things have gone wrong right from the beginning (the U-Haul was late being returned before our rental, the lights hook-up wouldn’t work, we packed the trailer until 2am, etc) but we have taken it in stride. We are laughing a whole lot at any rate. I have missed blogging. I feel like I am SOOOOO far behind, with so much to write. Last week in Calgary I was able to visit with some of my friends, and cross off quite a number of list items. In fact, here is a summary of what I have managed to accomplish recently:

167. Sleep under the stars

283. See the World’s Largest Penguin

369. Taste ostrich meat

377. Take a pee in the robot potty in Calgary

381. Eat a cupcake from Crave

449. Ride on the back of a motorcycle through the country

452. Have a Tubby Dog

I have a ton of photos from both Alberta and here in America to get posted once we reach home, not to mention at least half a dozen blog posts to write regarding the tail-end of my time in Calgary and then our road trip across the country.

Getting in to America was far easier than I expected. The border security officer that we spoke to was friendly and easy going (and cute!) and he teased us about bringing V’s pet ferret into the States. They scanned our trailer and sent us on our way. I would say that once we actually got up to the gate, we got through in about 10 minutes total (and that includes the scan thing they did). Super awesome! We love you border security people!

Montana was really gorgeous for the most part, and the people were really friendly (you always get a few of the other kind, no matter where you go). Cell service down here is sort of interesting (I can only get it intermittently) so if I go long stretches without Twittering, that is why.

We are hoping to stay at another KOA tonight, close to Lincoln, Nebraska. Tomorrow we are going to make our best effort to get all the way to Chicago, since we have sight-seeing plans with a fellow blogger, and tentative cocktails with CunningMinx.

V and I are really enjoying the drive through America. We are especially enjoying the much cheaper gas (don’t you dare complain about gas prices America! We pay about $20 dollar more per tank than you do :P)

Well, I’d better get V and the ferret up so that we can get a move on, or we may never make it to Chicago, LOL.

I will do what I can to get another post or two up before we get to Ontario, but no promises

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It’s never easy for me to come to this blog and discuss the moments in my life of which I am least proud.  Someone told me recently that they envy my ease with words, which while flattering, is perhaps not entirely accurate.  I am loath to say that I just ‘make it look easy’ because I don’t think that is what I do at all.  So perhaps it’s best to just say that I write when I can write well, and when I can’t write well, then I don’t write at all.

At any rate, even when I CAN write well, the words are not always simple to put down, particularly when I am sharing something of a sensitive or emotional nature.

Jack and I have run a long and deep gauntlet of emotional upheaval during our weeks apart.  Wounds don’t tend to heal over right when your lover is not present to sooth them away with words and touch.  Over the past couple of days we have discovered that neither of us has truly let go of the hurt and bitterness that passed between us earlier in the month.  We fought fiercely, and since we were not able to physically reconnect, nor even discuss the matter face to face, it was smoothed over with words, but not really resolved in the fashion to which we are accustomed (no, I don’t mean make-up sex, perverts).

We both feel as though we have been at each others throats off and on since before I departed for Alberta.  The distance and the stresses of his work and my family have resulted in explosive arguments more than once over the course of this trip.  Neither of us can reach out and pull the other into a hug to stop it before it starts, and so we end up angry again, all of the discomfort of past arguments dredged up and refreshed.  We both know it’s happening, but when we miss each other and are upset about the miserable conditions of this separation, it’s just too easy to end up taking it out on each other.

It’s not all for nothing.  Tonight we had a tift that spilled over into airing of a lot of buried emotions (mostly on my part, since I like to hang out in Denial Land sometimes).  It’s still sometimes difficult for me to open up to Jack, generally just about feelings which I feel are stupid or unreasonable, or which I am embarrassed about.  It would appear that a lot of those types of emotions have been building up this month, and finally they found release, and Jack finally understands what has been eating me since before I left.

Since it’s hard for me to open up to Jack, you can imagine how much harder it is to open up to hundreds of strangers on the internet, but I’ll give it a go anyway.

I was being selfish, and I knew that I was being selfish, and I hated myself for feeling it.  That made me feel worse, because I think that I should know better, and that since I talk all the time about poly and jealousy and blah, blah, blah, I should never ever feel that way.

Well, unfortunately my innards must have missed the memo, because they have been battling it out with my brain all month.

See, Jack had plans with Mz. F which I said were fine beforehand when he talked to me.  Then plans changed and I wasn’t notified (like seriously, does he have to update me every freakin minute???) and I felt like my toes were being stepped on and I acted like a nutcase.

Seriously, I am shaking my head at myself just thinking about it.

However, I was hurting and lashing out at Jack because I was having a crappy time in Alberta and I felt like he didn’t miss me or care about me at all.  Which was dumb.  So, so dumb.

I totally projected all of my negative thoughts onto him, because he didn’t respond the way that I wanted him to at the time.  He said it best though, when he told me that no matter what he might have said that day, nothing would have mace me happy, and he was right.

I threw myself right into that bad downward spiral, and I just didn’t have the sense to see it at the time because I was so overwhelmed with my emotions, which had gotten completely out of hand.

This all could have been made simple had I just said to Jack “Look, I know it’s not fair, nor rational, but right now I am feeling jealous because you did X, Y, and Z with Mz. F and those were things I wanted to do with you FIRST because I have an unhealthy obsession with doing things with you before anyone else does them.  I do not want you to feel responsible for these feelings because I own them, I simply wanted to explain why I am acting like I lost my mind”

Of course, I didn’t say that.

I didn’t want to admit that I was jealous, because I think that I should be above jealousy.  Since I’ve read ALL the books, and know ALL the stuff, I should no longer be susceptible to that awful emotion, and that if I just pretended hard enough, it wouldn’t be true.

You can see how well that worked.

I knew I was being a total fool, but I kept on, because I was too proud/stupid/irrational to just tell the truth.

Perhaps the rest could have been avoided.

Jack was not immune either.  He was bitter after our fight on Canada Day.  He blamed me for the rest of the week when things didn’t go at all like he had planned.  He made a few choice scathing remarks, which of course I took so personally.

Neither of us really understood what the other was going through until yesterday and today.  We exchanged a lot of harsh words in the process, but I know that when I see him tonight, it will all have been forgotten.  All of that residual pain will be wiped away, and we will figure out the rest of it once we put aside the anger.

I need to work at accepting that I can’t hold myself to ridiculous standards all of the time.  I get so angry and disappointed in myself, and I know that it worries Jack, and I know that it’s unhealthy, particularly when it begins to veer into thoughts of a self-destructive nature.  Even if I feel as though I ’should know better’ I need to be a little more gentle with myself, and a little less eager to bury those feelings or attempt to deny that they exist.

This has been an important growth experience for me, as uncomfortable as it was, and I think it’s given Jack and I a new appreciation for each other and for our relationship.  He truly is my rock, and my soft place to fall, and my lover, and my soul mate, and all sorts of other wonderful things, too numerous to list.  I don’t think I really understood how important physical presence is to our relationship and how it impacts how we relate to each other.

I can find the value in all things, even the most unpleasant.  Growth is not always comfortable (hence the term ‘growing pains’ I suppose) but it’s necessary for personal discovery and betterment.  I don’t think that either of us will soon forget the things that we have learned this month, nor will we finish discussing and examining them for weeks to come.

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14 days and counting…

Jack and I haven’t been apart this long since before we were married.  When we were dating sometimes we went weeks.  Not by choice of course, but I was living eight hours away, and I could only take so much time off work to fly out to see him.

All these years now and still, we can hardly stand to be separated for more than a few days.  In fact, even a few days is pushing it.

We miss each other a great deal right now.  I go to bed thinking of him.  Thinking that the faster I go to sleep, the faster it will be morning.  One morning closer to when I see him again.  One less night I have to spend alone.

I feel like I’ve settled into a state of grudging acceptance that it will be yet another five days before he gets here.  I am not lying about, pining for him, nor am I distracted enough to forget his absence.  I’m just…waiting, and making the best of my time here in the hopes that it will pass quickly.

It’s nearly 1am and this is the first quiet time I’ve had all day to reflect and write.  The inability to capture my thoughts in words during the days I’ve been out here has nearly driven me to the brink of insanity.  Writing is my outlet, and so many times during these two weeks I have ached to put my feelings to paper.  Stealing enough time to clear my head and do so has proven impossible, which also explains the lack of significant entries.

Hopefully the second half of my month proves more conducive to such things.

20 days is 19 days too long.

Perhaps Jack is not only my best friend, husband, and lover, but also my muse.  It seems as though being separated from him leaves me to distracted to weave the contents of my mind into anything meaningful.  I look forward to having his arms around me again, and to kissing his lips and feeling his skin against mine.  I miss his touch, and his laughing hazel eyes, and the way that I feel when I am with him.

I am off to bed, because the faster I go to sleep, the faster it will be morning, and I will have one less lonely night to endure without him.

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I can’t get up the gumption to write much about the days before I left Ontario, but I figure I should at least record the fire play incident, if only for posterity.

Mz. F and Varick accompanied me on Thursday evening (June 26th) to Deja’s house, to watch Secretary and do a little fire play.

Due to Jack’s feelings on the safety of fire play, I regrettably had to bow out of being the practice subject for Varick’s lesson. Fortunately, a friend of Deja’s was willing to put his naked body on the line so that Varick could learn.

Mz. F and I sat on the floor in Deja’s dungeon, while preparations were made. Deja has loads of experience with such things, and the casual attitude with which she handles it all certainly put all of us at ease.

The session began, Mz. F and I observing wide-eyed. If you ever get the opportunity to witness fire play in action, do it. It’s like nothing I have ever seen before.

Varick was extremely nervous at first, and who can blame him? He reluctantly took one of the wands from Deja and gave it a go, and I must say, he did quite well. His confidence grew as both of them applied the alcohol and lit it afire in tandem. It was an interesting and amazing sight.

I’ll admit I was deeply envious of the man on the table. Mz. F encouraged me to give it a try, even against Jack’s wishes, and a couple of times offered to call him to assure him that it is safe.

I could tell that Deja was feeling badly for me, so she beckoned me over and offered to do a little strip on the inside of my arm. I really didn’t think that was a big deal, since I’d done that myself a ton of times back in junior high with hairspray and a lighter (we were often bored, LOL). She used the wand to paint a stripe of alcohol on my skin, and then she lit the wand and waved it over my arm, swooping over the trail of flames as soon as it lit. She did that several times over until all of the alcohol had been burned off. I imagine how the sensation would feel on my stomach, breasts, back, and ass. Mmmmmm. It didn’t burn at all, the final swipe was quite warm, but my skin wasn’t even red afterwards.

419. Try fire play

Deja coaxed Mz. F into getting a little on her arm as well, and she seemed just as enamored as I was. I hope that some day Jack might come around and allow me to experience a little more in the way of fire play, but I certainly won’t push my luck again and just go ahead without asking him.

After the scene was finished Deja gave Mz. F a bit of a demo with the violet wand, which she totally fell in love with. We spent the better part of half an hour playing with that.

Unfortunately Varick and I didn’t get to play at all, due to how late it was. To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement, but at least I was able to cross something off of my list.

When I talked to Jack later that evening about the fire play he was quite angry with me, and understandably so. I hadn’t really thought that just a little on the arm would be a big deal, but as he pointed out even breaking the rules a little bit is still wrong, regardless.

I became angry because it seems as though my judgment of the situation isn’t enough for him. I was insulted that he felt I would knowingly engage in something very dangerous just for thrills. I just wanted him to see that it’s not nearly as bad as he thinks it is.

We have of course worked that out since, although he’s still not thrilled over the idea and I don’t intend to dabble again until I have his permission to do so.

It was an interesting experience none the less and I am keeping my fingers crossed that it won’t be my last

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Jack and I had it out again over the phone this morning. It has been building for several days really, and it was good to finally have it over with.

I know he has been worried about my emotional state. To be honest, I’ve been concerned as well. Generally I hold it together far better than I have been, and I’ve struggled to figure out where these excessive emotions have come from. Why am I acting this way?

Yesterday I sat out at the end of the dock for a long time. I lost myself in thought, and just allowed those subconscious meanderings to bubble to the surface. I didn’t get the clarity I was hoping for, but an uneasy thought did present itself for mulling over. Perhaps it’s a culmination of stresses recently that has driven me past superficial worrying and back towards the pit of depression. The kind of depression where it really isn’t ABOUT anything, it just exists, a state of despair that you can’t often shake.

June was a great month in many ways, but it’s also been difficult. As much as I enjoy my family, I’d built up a fair pile of anxiety over spending so much time with them. The week leading up to my departure was straining. I had stomach aches, I had weird bowel issues (I was going to get graphic there, but I’ll spare you the details of my liquid shit) and I wasn’t sleeping well. In fact I was dreading the entire experience.

That sense of foreboding, combined with uncertainty regarding V moving out here (something has come up and she may not end up coming out this month, or ever) could easily trigger a backslide into a place I’ve been working to avoid for years.

Depression isn’t something I am ashamed of. It’s a very real mental illness which I’ve dealt with for over half my life. Depression is not something that is cured, it is merely managed, day to day, week by week, for the rest of your life. I am always aware of it’s potential to wreak havoc, and I respect the power it can hold over my life. Depression is not a choice.

That familiar sense of discouragement has been creeping around in the back of my mind for days. I’ve been doing this dance long enough that I know when it’s coming on. If I am too wrapped up in my emotions, or if I am not listening to myself, generally it’s more difficult to stop it before it starts. In this case I’ve had plenty of time for reflection. I’ve been paying attention to my internal dialog, and to my emotions.

During and after our argument, I cried a good deal. I normally dislike crying very much, but it felt like I was finally releasing all of that pent up negativity, so I just let go. It was cleansing really, and by the time we said goodbye, I felt more like myself than I have in weeks.

The rest of today has been wonderful. I was able to get really close to a baby skunk outside, and even snapped a couple of photos before my camera battery gave out. I left my USB cable back in Ontario, so I am hoping my mom has one around here somewhere so that I can upload and post a few of the photos I’ve taken on this trip. If not, it’ll just have to wait until I get a hold of one.

On a separate (although somewhat related note) I found out from Varick today that he hooked up with a girl (or two, we didn’t get into specifics) over the weekend. There was a twinge of what I guess you could call unease, but I’d expected as much, and instead of worrying that I’m about to get ‘dumped’ I was just happy that he had a good weekend. I know he has struggled with his social anxiety, so it pleases me that his confidence seems to be improving. He was quick to assure me that he’s looking forward to seeing me when I get back, which is always nice to hear.

Jack was proud of me when I shared that with him. He knows I have a hard time with feeling possessive and jealous, so his praise made me feel that much happier with myself and with the situation.

In spite of the affection I feel for Varick, I would prefer that we keep our relationship more or less fairly casual. I don’t want to have to seek his permission if I want to date other people, nor will I hold him to that expectation in return. I get the impression that he’s content with the current arrangement, and attempting to inflict a strangle-hold on him because I am afraid to lose him will only drive him away.

Speaking of seeing other people, Jack has a potential coffee date coming up, with that woman who was seeing that married guy. I’ve told him to go ahead, and see what happens. It’s not easy for me to get past my judgment of her (wrong, I know) so this will be an exercise in letting go for me. I am determined to avoid acting insane.

I’m certain you’ll hear all about how that goes

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There are few things worse, for me, than feeling at odds with Jack, and not knowing how to make it right.

I get the impression that he’s still angry at me for our fight on Canada Day. I’ve apologized several times, and perhaps I was expecting him to tell me that it’s ok, and that it’s already been forgotten, which isn’t what I got back at all. Expecting a specific reaction from him is stupid, I know. He accepted my apology, which I appreciated, but he didn’t make any effort at all to make me feel as though it had been resolved. Thus, I feel like he’s still disappointed and annoyed with me.

At the moment I just feel like I irritate him every time I call or text, which is perhaps true. I just miss him a whole lot, and I miss talking to him. I don’t mean to be a pain in his ass. For the days I was gone before our fight it seemed like he wanted to talk to me at least once a day, and since we had our falling out I get the impression he really doesn’t care if I call him or not.

This morning I debated calling him for around 20 minutes. I just wanted to check in with him, and tell him about my night, but I thought I might annoy him if I just went ahead and called. When I finally did call he seemed distant, disinterested. My recent run of insecurity has been a big inconvenience for him I think, which I feel awful about. At the same time, I feel like every time I talk to him, it just reinforces the feelings of rejection. So I feel rejected, and then I just want to call and text him more often, in hopes of getting some reassurance, and then he just seems more irritated. So we just keep going ’round, it doesn’t seem like we’re getting anywhere.

Most likely I just need to let it all go. Nothing constructive is coming of what I’m doing now.

I don’t want to continue being needy, it doesn’t make me feel good. Clearly it doesn’t make Jack feel good either. I can’t help but be lonely without him, but I think I’ll back it off about ten paces and give him some space to hopefully enjoy his break from the kids and I.

We’re heading out to the sticks again today, so posting will be slow until I get back to a location with wireless. Hopefully everyone is having a good weekend!

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