Quite unexpectedly, one of the things I’ve found the most uncomfortable and difficult when it comes to my relationship with Aiden, is being really emotionally vulnerable with him.
I can be physically vulnerable, that doesn’t scare me at all, but when it comes to talking about my feelings, or God forbid, crying in front of him (the HORRORS!) I would rather eat a pail of sand.
I’ve always had kind of a hang up about crying in front of people. My family really frowned on the shedding of tears, even during moments when it seemed like the appropriate response. I very clearly remember my mother and my great aunt discouraging me from crying at my great-grandmothers funeral (she and I were very close and it was a terrible loss). It struck me as odd at the time, and in the weeks after, but looking back on it, that was just the way my family has always been. Crying was associated with being emotional and weak. We (my siblings were no exception) were expected to hold ourselves together and be rational. Even now, most of my family members will become extremely uncomfortable and change the subject if I attempt anything more than superficial conversation with them. Feelings are private and should stay that way, period. My grandfather, who was and continues to be like a father to me, and whom has always treated me like his favorite, used to always tell us to “toughen up” if we were hurt or sad over something. I don’t think he was trying to be callous, I think he was passing on what he had always been taught, and doing it to prepare us for the harshness of life later on.
Anyway, I can’t blame it all on my family, but that early conditioning does not make it easy for me to be forthcoming with my feelings.
Often when I feel wounded enough that I cannot suppress the tears, I will hide somewhere to have a moment with myself. If I can’t manage that I will avoid eye contact with whomever happens to be present until I can compose myself. I know at times it has driven those closest to me a little crazy. One afternoon, not really that long ago, I was driving somewhere with V and we were discussing something painful for me, and she could see that I was doing everything possible not to lose my shit right in front of her.
“It’s ok to let it out you know” she said, slightly exasperated. After being my best friend for over a decade, I think it still irritates her that I can’t just let it go. In my defense, I’ve gotten better, but I still don’t think my ability to talk about or express emotions is the same as most peoples.
The first time I cried in front of Aiden, it was during a scene, a punishment actually. In fact, that’s the ONLY time I can cry in front of him, even though there have been times when I felt the urge while we were not playing. Even though I still hate when it happens, and I feel intensely uncomfortable, I can’t seem to turn it off.
Most recently, he was punishing me after I’d been completely out of line for the better part of two weeks. I did not take my punishment gracefully, and in fact I struggled and resisted until finally it seemed wiser to just give up and take what was coming to me. That bothers me, that I didn’t really surrender, I just felt defeated, which is not the same thing. That, perhaps, is a topic for another day.
At any rate, he punished me, and though it wasn’t particularly harsh, I felt exceptionally emotional. When it was over, I cried, with my head in his lap, while he rubbed my back and praised me and told me to let it all out. He called me his good girl and although I still felt stupid and embarrassed, his response was supportive and considerate of my feelings, which made it slightly less horrifying for me.
I hate it sometimes that it has to be so hard for me to just let it go. I want to be open with my feelings, but I suppose I am afraid. I am afraid of how Aiden will react, or that I will be further wounded, or that I will say the wrong thing. We haven’t gotten to the point where I trust that no matter what he might say, he’s coming from love. It takes a long time for me to get there (I think I am currently averaging around six years to get to that point with people. Just ask V and Jack, heh). It’s not fair though, and at some point I am going to have to stop being so guarded and defensive and just trust that he loves me and that he won’t intentionally hurt me. I would say that nine times out of ten, when we are at odds with each other, it is due to the fact that I haven’t been open about my feelings, and that I have made assumptions about him, or expected him to read my mind.
It seems ridiculous to me that I can’t just say what I feel or acknowledge and embrace my emotions, no matter what they might be. It’s easy to tell myself that nothing truly horrible will happen, and that likely my being forthcoming will only lead to Aiden and I having a closer relationship, but in the moment it’s difficult to remind myself of that. In the moment I just want to avoid having to talk about it.
The progress is slow, but I think that things are getting better. Aiden has a good deal of patience, but I don’t really want to push it all the way to its limits.
I don’t know which is more annoying: having the desire to blog, but being unable to think of anything particularly interesting to write about, or having lots to write about but no desire to blog.
In response to my previous post, Perakath remarked:
I feel a bit bad for Jack! Is he really okay with it all?
I [...]
Aiden has now “officially” moved in with us. He has basically been living here for the past two weeks, but yesterday he gave notice to his landlords, and we fetched a bunch of his things from his apartment.
While we were in town we had dinner with his parents, and he let them know that he [...]
I have fallen terribly behind on my reviews as of late, so I’m playing catch-up over the next couple of weeks.
We just love us some anal toys around here, and the Lelo Bob is no exception. Made entirely of satiny silicone, this is the ideal toy for butt-play beginners. It provides fantastic stimulation, and [...]
It’s Monday! I realized, while driving the eldest minion to school this morning, that I haven’t blogged in over a week, but I promise that I have good reasons for that.
Last weekend I went out with friends on Friday night and saw Daybreakers (pretty good movie, but unless you’re really into non-sparkly vampires, I would wait [...]
“Ask for it” he says, his head propped up in one hand while the other is pressed between my legs. I squirm uncomfortably, while my brain attempts to force words out of my mouth. I can scarcely remember to breath while his fingers draw circles around my clitoris.
I hate it when he makes me ask.
“Ask, [...]
V: So is the title of your last post the way you say “Merry Christmas” in Ukrainian?
Shasta: Basically, yes
V: How do you pronounce it?
Shasta: I have no idea
V: *Pause* Well, at least you sound smart on the internet
I do.
I also remember $2 bills, Atari, and rotary telephones.
That really has nothing to do with this post, except to point out that gaming systems have come along way since the early 80’s.
In 1982 we did not have cell phones, or the Internet, and we walked 3 miles to school each day, uphill, both ways.
What [...]
Things I learned over the weekend:
Metal shoehorns will leave bruises with hardly any effort at all
People get kind of excited when you serve Cornish hens and leave them whole. Like “We get a WHOLE bird? Each?”
Kolach, while the most beautiful of breads, is less like bread and more like a giant pretzel
Even candles that are [...]
Shasta: I really HATE the gym in January
Jack: What? Why?
Shasta: It was SO crowded tonight. When I got there, EVERY. SINGLE. TREADMILL was being used, full of New Years Resolutioners, promising themselves that THIS YEAR will be different and that they will actually lose the weight, get in shape, whatever
Jack: Maybe you should go at [...]
I think I may have mentioned last year, here in the Gibson house, we celebrate Christmas twice.
First on December 25th, like most everyone else, and then again today, which is Ukrainian Christmas.
When Jack and I got married, there was some sorting out as to how holidays should be observed. We combined our separate traditions into our own [...]
Monday marked the end of my second month as Aiden’s slave.
Typing that word in reference to myself still makes me cringe a bit, but not as badly as it did in the beginning. I’ve grown accustomed to some aspects of wearing a collar 24/7, but many are still a struggle.
Asking for what I want is [...]
After the creation of my Life List, rather then setting forth resolutions at the beginning of a new year, I prefer to select a number of things that I hope to cross off in the coming year. I’ve selected 25 things that I’d like to accomplish in 2010, and gathered them into my mini-list for [...]
I’ve been thoroughly enjoying the tail-end of the holidays, since the departure of Jack’s parents on Tuesday.
After dropping the in-laws off at the train station early Tuesday morning, the kiddos and I drove out to Aiden’s and picked him up, and he’s been here since. He has to go back to work on Monday, but [...]
Happy Holidays from everyone here at
The Gibson Lair!!!
Hope you all made the Naughty List
XOXOXO
Rona Guy: Tools department, how can I help you?
Shasta: Do you guys carry any nylon-jaw pliers?
Rona Guy: Nylon-jaw pliers?
Shasta: Yeah, or pliers that have any type of soft jaws?
Rona Guy: What are you using them for?
Shasta: Making…chainmail
*Silence*
Shasta: Ok so I have these anodized aluminum rings and my regular pliers are scratching the finish. Do you [...]
I know I haven’t been terribly prolific with the posting this month, and unfortunately that’s unlikely to change until early in January.
Jack’s parents arrive this afternoon, and will be staying with us until early on the 29th. While I normally greatly enjoy their company, this year I would have preferred to avoid dealing with any [...]
OMG, I HATE CHRISTMAS!
There, I said it.
Today I went in to work, which was a mistake, because EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. that I talked to asked me
“So, are you ready for Christmas?”
And I was all like
“FUCK NO! I’ve purchased like ONE gift so far, and I haven’t sent a single card, or even bothered to put up all [...]
Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t mentioned Kade around here for a long time. Not since October 21st, to be precise, and before that it was August 12th.
The relationship ended, as far as I was concerned, sometime mid-September, but I’ve been avoiding dealing with it since then because I hate giving people [...]
While I was tidying yesterday, I was rooting through a drawer, looking for the USB cord to my iPod, when I came across this broken ring. Initially I had planned to post only a photo of it, saying I had finally thrown it out, but that would really only mean anything to less than half [...]
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