What? What?…In The Butt!

Aiden and I don’t often have anal sex, due to his, errr, size. However, once in a while, when we are both frantically horny, we manage some butt fucking, and it’s usually incredible.

He got home from his out of town job on Friday night, after being gone for nearly a week (overtime and all) and we enjoyed a hot shower together, and then fell into bed and enthusiastically got down to business.

He was rough and forceful with me, pulling my hair, and calling me a dirty slut. It was exactly what I wanted. He pushed my mouth down onto his cock until I gagged and couldn’t breath, over and over, until I was gasping and drooling.

When he knelt between my legs, doing marvelous things to my pussy with his fingers, he looked at me lustily and whispered “I want to fuck you in the ass”.

I think I managed to hiss out a “Yes” while I squirmed under his touch.

Lubricant was procured, and after a liberal application, he very, very gently began to enter me.

It was no easy task, but he went deliciously slow, even when I began begging him to fuck me with vigor.

“Oh, I will fuck you” he groaned into my ear “just nice and slow”

And he did, and before very long at all, we were both locked together, orgasming simultaneously. I came so hard that it took my breath away, and overwhelmed me, and immediately afterwards I shuddered and began crying for reasons I still don’t really understand.

Aiden was obviously confused, but he just held me so tight and comforted me. When I had regained my composure, I apologized for being so emotional (I didn’t really know what else to say) but he just grinned wryly and replied “It’s ok my pet. Butt sex should always result in tears of joy”!

Yes, I agree that it should.

Gluten Intolerance: Real Or Imagined?

I’ve written about my ongoing gut issues before, years ago, but I’ve never really done anything about them, aside from making modifications to my diet with mixed success. I established some time back (probably 6 years ago) that grains and processed foods don’t seem to agree with me, but I just haven’t been able to kick the carbs habit, or stay away from most of the things that make me ill.

Over the past few months, the issue has escalated some, to the point where I have severe discomfort when I ingest bread products. So, due to the fact that my IUD is up for renewal in the fall, I was finally forced to see a doctor, and she is sending me to get tested for Celiac Disease. I don’t know if that’s what I have, but something is certainly not right in my digestive system.

Part of me is in denial, and is ravenously trying to consume as much gluten as it can before I get an “official diagnosis” (if there ever is one) and the other part of me is in agony because of the life choices that first part is making.

I can still eat rice, so at least I don’t have to give up sushi.

Farm Girl Strong

Aiden must be listening to a lot of country music while he’s at work. This afternoon he texted “Hey, I found this song about you!”

Even When I Lose I’m Winning

Recently, on a warm afternoon, Aiden and I went for  short hike in the backcountry, our first of the season.  There are still small patches of snow in the foothills of the Rockies, but their days are numbered.

We hadn’t hiked this particular area before, but it wasn’t very difficult.  The trail was wide and flat, and dry, which is always nice.  We had packed a blanket and a picnic lunch, and strolled through the forest, enjoying the quiet and the smells of spring in the wilderness.

When we found an appropriate spot, we spread out our blanket and had a lovely picnic in the fresh air.  These are definitely not my finest photos.  I snapped them with my iPhone, so they aren’t that exciting.

 

After we finished eating, we cuddled up together on the blanket, and as nobody was anywhere nearby, had a round of really sexy fucking outside!  Normally we would try to be a bit sneaky, but we knew we were totally alone, so we just had at it, as naked and loud as we wanted to.

The hike back to our truck was…sticky, to say the least.  The satisfaction of getting down in the great outdoors made it worth the discomfort.

The Ghost Of FetLives Past

I’ve been reconnecting with all kinds of aspects of my old self, including a foray back into the world of kink, most specifically for the moment, FetLife.

I’m not ready to step back into the local community just yet, but after reading through pages of old messages, I find myself missing how active and social I used to be.  Years ago my inbox was full of invites and messages, everything from exclusive private parties, to backyard BBQ’s, and every kind of workshop under the sun.  It’s strange to me now, because I don’t really remember all of this crazy stuff I used to do.  It’s like reading about someone else’s life, which is troubling, but also so interesting, because I am so different now.

Don’t get me wrong, I am still so busy that I don’t often have time to catch my breath.  I just run in different circles now I suppose.  I still have an active social life, with many friends and acquaintances.  I often have plans, and rarely any down time.  I like it that way, as history has proven.  I do miss the kink community back out east.  I miss all of those people I used to see, talk to, play with.  The parties, the munches, the camaraderie.  Sometimes I miss Ontario so badly it hurts.

I didn’t expect to be remembered by anyone out east, but apparently I am.  I am missed.

I can’t relive that time, but maybe I can rediscover that person, or some new version of her.

I’m On Your Magical Mystery Ride

On Friday I had dinner at a pub with K and his girlfriend, Tia.  K and I hadn’t seen each other in almost 4 years, and it was a surprise visit arranged by she and I (we’ve become quite good friends, over text message and Facebook, as it were).

It was a little bit uncomfortable at first.  In fact I felt so nervous I thought I might throw up.  Tia was nervous too, mainly because, well it’s kind of weird being friendly with your mans ex, and all.  We all ordered food and eventually the conversation picked up.

I tried not to talk too much about “way back when” with K, because it would be disrespectful, and Tia wouldn’t be able to participate anyway, which is a bit rude.  There were a couple of stories (I actually don’t remember much of that time anymore, apparently we went to a hot tub party once…) but for the most part, we stayed out of that territory.

Turns out Tia lived in the same town where Aiden grew up!  She was only there for three years (and there is an age gap, so it’s unlikely they directly knew the same people) but we chatted quite a bit about that.  Small world!

We talked about work and pets and other everyday things.  It was fun, but the pub was super loud.  I would prefer somewhere quiet I think for actual conversation.

K has changed and yet, he hasn’t.  He’s grown up some.  He doesn’t let people walk all over him anymore, and he’s become a little more jaded and cynical (life will do that to ya) but he seems happy.  Tia is good for him, and it’s really great to see him happy and more or less settled in life.  He’s still K though, quick with the flirty comments, and charming in his way.  Still the “give you the shirt off his back” type.  There weren’t sparks.  There weren’t twinges of jealousy or longing, just contentment that he’s found his way.  I did worry for him for a good while after we parted company.

We spent 3 hours together and then I went home and crawled into bed and waited for Aiden (he was out for games night with some of our other friends).  I fell asleep, but woke briefly when he snuggled up beside me sometime around 1am.  We may have exchanged a sleepy “How was your night?” but I don’t recall.

My reply was likely “It was nice to catch up with old friends” :)

Tonight I’m Going To Bury That Horse In The Ground

I’ve been reading through the archives of this site.  I did keep them, although they are not accessible to the internet public.

My initial motivation was to remind myself of who I was when Aiden and I began seeing each other.  You see, unsurprisingly, we’ve become very different people over the course of the relationship.  Many of the changes in me were at least partially fueled by what happens to a person when their marriage ends.  According to my therapist, it takes at least 2 years to begin becoming “normal” again, after such a traumatic and life-altering experience.  While I have certainly dealt with a lot of the emotional aspect, I am definitely not back to my old self yet.  And maybe that old self is dead, but in her place is a person I am not usually very happy being.  I have grown vindictive, bitter, un-trusting, cynical, and jaded.  I am often vicious, without really meaning to be, but scathing remarks just come out of my mouth.

This has taken it’s toll on us, both as individuals and as a couple.  Some might say we are getting what we deserve, but I don’t believe that’s true anymore.  We aren’t bad people.  We didn’t set out to ruin Jack’s life.  Everything that happened was a result of the decisions we all made, both collectively and individually, and we can all own that now.

Aiden has adapted to my viciousness by becoming distant from me emotionally.  He’s quick to anger, and while we have both remained affectionate, the efforts he used to make to romance me are fairly non-existent.  At times we have lived like roommates, only touching in bed, because it’s confines leave us little choice.

However, at some point in our relationship we began a little ritual, wherein we set our alarm clock 30 minutes before we get up, and we spend that time cuddling.  It’s automatic now, but still meaningful.  No matter how badly we had been fighting, nor how angry we were, we continued the morning cuddling sessions, because sometimes it was the only indication that we still loved each other at all.  That, and the fact that neither of us ever left.

That 30 minutes in the morning was just enough to keep us going.

Lately, I decided that I didn’t want to live in a miserable loop of fight-get along-fight-get along-fight for the rest of my life.  I agreed to go back to counselling, and I decided on my own that I wanted to find out what was so different about the early days of our relationship (besides the obvious).

I hadn’t given this blog much thought for a couple of years, when I remembered that I had written a bunch of stuff here.  I prayed that I had kept it somehow, and started digging through my control panel, shuffling though the various places I hide my stuff on the web, and then I found it.  It was all there, and I started reading intensely.

The thing that struck me the most, was how genuinely nice and thoughtful I was.  I did things without having any apparent motivation to do them, aside from being caring.  I didn’t seem to expect my partners to do things for me FIRST, I just…did stuff.  Really great stuff.  I didn’t say “Well, when HE is nice, then I will be nice”.  Nope, it wasn’t tit-for-tat back then.  I didn’t keep track.  I just loved, and gave, and got in return.

Somewhere along the way I became too angry to just give without expecting anything.  To be kind first.

So, last week, I was just…nice.  I was mindful of the things I said, I went out of my way to be extra generous and thoughtful.  I said very loving words, and acted in very loving ways, and wonder of wonders, everything was peaceful!

Aiden didn’t react at first.  I had to bite my tongue a time or two, but after a couple of days, he started doing something really great too!  He was nice back!  Not only that, but I started to see that great and romantic guy that used to drive all night just to see me for a few hours.

I know, it sounds terribly stupid and obvious when I write it, but if you knew how really disinterested and indifferent to him I had become (and he to me) and how strong my drive to just lash out irrationally is, you would understand why this was hard.

Everything I had become screamed at me to stop being so nice, because why should I have to be nice first?  Why should I have to make all the effort?  It’s like being 5 again.  Ugh!  So awful.

This week was equally peaceful.  Aiden was SO excited to come home from his job away.  I got tons of really sweet and loving texts all the time he was gone.  He was super forgiving about the less than stellar shape of the house (to be honest I did try, and most of the place was pretty tidy, but other areas of life got in the way) even though in the past he would be annoyed because who wants to come home to a place that looks like wild animals live in it?  He said we might even play tomorrow!!  I am trying not to get my hopes up, but fingers crossed :)

The me from back then was a far more gracious and generous human than the me of a month ago.  Oh don’t get me wrong, some of my writing just oozed self-importance and arrogance.  I thought I was pretty hot shit at times.  I am embarrassed by some of the things I used to say, but I just kept reading between the lines, gathering together bits of information on my behavior, on what made me so appealing to the men who loved me.  Even if I *was* a bit self-obsessed (don’t even get me started on the level of angst) I was still a pretty loving and kind human being, at least by comparison.

I want to be that person again.

What Ever Happened To Shasta Gibson?

I will admit, it has been a great surprise to see that people still check in on me.  I am touched, honestly.  I’ve missed this place, and all of you.

I wasn’t going to dwell in the past, but I feel that in light of you taking the time to come over and say hello, I will provide this small update.

This blog was taken down shortly after I announced that Jack and I were separating.  Aiden moved out, and I moved in with him, more or less.

For a time things were very bad.

However, after the initial pain and anger had subsided, Jack and I were able to be amicable.  Lawyers were never once involved.  We both recovered fairly quickly (I would say incidents of hostility dropped to “rare” within 6 months) and decided that for the sake of our kids, we needed to pull it together and be adults.

It’s been, hmmm, 3.5 years since since I moved out, and we are still a family, all of us, it just looks a little different now.

Aiden and I are still together.  It’s been a struggle, but there will be more on that in the future.  Jack and I have become what I would describe as close friends.  We talk often, and all five of us still spend every holiday together (we take turns hosting, Aiden and I just had Easter at our place, Thanksgiving will be at Jack’s, etc) and birthdays.  Saydie is turning 10, and this Saturday we are all going to Laser Tag with her and a load of kids from her class.  We still co-parent, we just live in different houses.

I am not going to say things like “It’s better this way” because I feel that it cheapens what Jack and I had.  I did truly love him, and a part of my always will.  This is where we are now, and we are working together, and that’s the important thing.  Our kids are happy to have all of the adults they love under the same roof on a regular basis.  They get a lot of support, and are loved dearly by a great many grown ups.

Now, as for polyamory, I am sorry if it disappoints anyone, but after many a long discussion, Aiden and I decided to be monogamous.  Our relationship has been…fragile, ever since we went from a triad to a couple, and we both recognize that adding more people is frankly, stupid.  We wanted to wait until we were solid before we re-visited the idea of being open, and we’re not there yet.

Kink has been utterly non-existent as well.  Aiden and I haven’t played since before the separation.  I still wear my collar much of the time, but it definitely doesn’t mean what it used to.  We are trying to get back there (more on that as well) but we’ve had larger issues to deal with.

Currently I work 10 hours a day, 5 or more days a week.  Aiden works a job out of town, 4 days away, 3 days home.  He’s been at that for a month, and maybe eventually I will get used to it.  We are still ridiculously busy people, and that will probably never change.

Many of the people I used to write about here have slipped away.  The Infamous V is still around, of course.  We’ve been the best of friends for 17 years now, and she’s not going anywhere.  More recently K and I have been talking again, just casually.  He’s been with a really great woman for 5 years now, he seems very happy.

My life has become rather domestic.  I spend a lot of time working and cooking and cleaning.  I have horses now, and several gardens, and I am obsessed with canning.  Long gone are the nights of wild parties, and leaving a string of confused men in my wake.  I don’t stagger home at 5 in the morning, trailing glitter and glow sticks.

I traded in my stilettos for a pair of steel toes, and maybe that will make me less interesting, but I am ok with that.

Sunday’s Are Always The Hardest

It’s always so awkward at the beginning, writing, that is.  I always feel uncertain, even though it hardly matters.

You left for work again today.  I especially hated to see you go after having such a peaceful weekend together.  The three days never seem long enough, even when we are fighting.

I’ve been wandering through my old sex blogger haunts.  It’s sad, because it’s a bit like a ghost town.  Many of the “Old Crew” no longer write.  Almost all of the blogs I used to visit are dead, left to collect cobwebs, or disappearing entirely.  I wonder what became of some of them.  I wonder if anyone wonders about me, or us.

I feel like a stranger now, like I don’t belong in this corner of the web anymore.  Maybe I don’t.

I do hate to dredge up the past, but in this case, it’s allowing me to piece together a person whom I haven’t seen in a long time.  The person I was once, before everything changed, and turned us into people that seem normal at this point, but who are so different from who we used to be.

Four years is a lifetime, on the internet.

Turning over stones can be discouraging.  This evening I found an email I wrote to you in 2010, but it may as well have been yesterday.  So many of the same troubles.  Maybe they will never go away entirely.  We will probably never match up just right, but maybe we can get close again.

It’s not all bad.  I found some erotic text messages, and quite a few words of love.  We used to be quite playful with each other.  We still are, but there’s always pain and hurt bubbling so close to the surface.  Even the slightest nick sends it hemorrhaging out, broiling and burning.

I miss you.  The bed is so empty without you.  Even when I am furious with you I still long for the warmth of your body next to me, of you skin against mine, the soft murmur of your breathing in the dark.

Hello, Can You Hear Me? Am I Getting Through To You?

Once upon a time, many moons ago, this website enjoyed a brief (5-year) hay day as a blog.  That project was abandoned for reasons that are clear to anyone who was reading at that time.

As I have payed for this domain “for life” I have decided that I might as well use the damn thing.

The question is, what are the chances this site is still on the radar?  Will this post pop up in anyone’s feed reader?

I have a small request.  If you see this, could I trouble you to comment and let me know?  I am simply curious.

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