I didn’t feel any weirdness while he was with P.  Ok maybe a twinge on Sunday, but I was also feeling generally over-sensitive because I was tired and my period is due immediately, so my hormones are out of whack, and I had to miss LARP while Aiden went with our friend Dex.  Still, when I thought of him and her together, particularly the thought of them having sex, I felt…nothing.  No angst, no guts turning over in my stomach.  If anything I was just happy that the two of them were able to spend some time together, since it’s difficult with the distance.

I’m not going to pretend that having Aiden here doesn’t make sharing Jack far easier for me.  While I do believe that I have grown as a person, particularly in poly, and that I have worked though much of my jealousy and insecurity in relation to Jack, it’s more fun to share when one still has a warm body to curl up with at night.

As an added benefit, Jack found it easier to relax and enjoy his time with P knowing that I had Aiden here to keep me company, and to help me work through any uncomfortable feelings that may have cropped up.  It’s all win

The lovely P is already booking a trip out here (hopefully for Easter, for two weeks!!!) and I.CANNOT.WAIT to see her  It has been far, far too long since she and I were able to hang out.  Maybe we can collectively lure her into moving out to Ontario once she is finished school  There is still an extra bedroom in the house, hee hee.

This week and the coming weekend promises to be quite busy.  This afternoon I had a blood donation appointment, my fourth successful donation.  Afterwards I stopped by my favorite tattoo studio and booked an appointment for some new ink at the beginning of April.  It’s been almost three years since my last tattoo and I’ve been itching for a third for ages.  I’m pretty excited about it

Aiden and I are planning on attending the kink munch in our city this evening, which will be a nice opportunity to catch up with everyone.

This weekend we have plans with G and S of Horny Geek, which I am looking forward to.  I assume a lot of our conversation will revolve around LARP or kink (or both at the same time!) but I’m sure you expected as much.  At some point we are going to visit Aiden’s mum and dad as well, and tidy up the house, and likely work on some other projects.

I’m currently plowing my way through a copy of “His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage” and while the subtitle does seem a tad laughable, all things considered, it’s actually filled with fantastic advice about negotiating your respective needs with a partner.  Most of the conflicts that occur between Jack and I, and Aiden and I, center around one or more of our individual needs not being met, and even if this particular book is heavy on the monogamy, they at least acknowledge that it is totally possible and not unexpected to fall in love with more than one person at a time.  The copy I am reading actually belongs to Aiden’s mum, whom had lent it to him at some juncture in the past.  I want to return it to her this weekend, so that she can pass it on to someone else she knows that needs it, but I am thinking of picking up a copy of my own.  In case I don’t have time to cajole the boys into doing some of the writing and conversation exercises it recommends before Sunday.

More on the book, and some thoughts on getting your needs met while meeting the needs of multiple partners in poly relationships.  Even if some of the suggestions don’t work for our arrangement, at least they have inspired some thoughtful pondering that will hopefully result in a good post or two!

While I normally harbor an unnatural love of Mondays, on this particular morning I am fighting a sinus/chest infection or something of that nature and so am not as peppy and upbeat as usual.

I did have a lovely weekend, however, and so that makes up for the fact that I’ve run myself somewhat into the ground and therefore am now slightly ill.

On Friday night I had plans to do coffee with my friends G and S (of Horny Geek).  The weather, however, had other ideas and unfortunately I had to cancel due to the roads being awful.  Hopefully we can reschedule for sometime soon, perhaps when the forecast is more agreeable.

Instead I went to bed rather early, read some, and then fell asleep until Aiden got home from work and woke me.  He and I had been at odds all week, as discussed in my previous post, and so we ended up having a bit of a spat and then talked it out late into the night.  After things had been settled out, we made love and then went to sleep for a scant three hours.

He had to work for a bit on Saturday morning, and so after seeing him off I did some writing and then helped Jack and the kiddos shovel out the driveway.  We have had quite a bit of snow recently and it has been perfect for snowballs, hee hee.

When Aiden arrived home shortly after noon, he and I were able to take a nap for a couple of hours, because we were both exhausted due to lack of sleep the night prior.  One of our friends from LARP was celebrating her birthday that night and Aiden wanted to go.  I asked if I could come along too, since she’s really more his friend than mine, although I kind of expected that she assumed he would bring me.  There was some miscommunication between he and I regarding what time he had wanted to leave for the party, and we ended up having another argument, although this time he was the one being stubborn.  Eventually we worked it out and although we left later than he had wanted to, we weren’t late by any stretch.

There was pre-drinking at the apartment of the birthday girl, who needs a name for simplicity sake.  Lets call her Anya.  I already knew all but two of the other guests (through LARP) and Anya seemed quite pleased to see me.  Everyone hung out for a bit and had some drinks before we walked over to a nearby gay bar in The Village.  Aiden and I hadn’t originally planned to spend the night, but it didn’t take much for Anya to convince him that we should just crash at her house.  We drank and danced a little, and just generally had a really great time.  I flirted shamelessly with the only other “straight” guy (and I use that term loosely in this case) in our little group, much to Aiden’s amusement.  He really isn’t my type, but I’m kind of a tease, and it was all in good fun.

When we were thoroughly intoxicated, we walked back to Anya’s, and hung out for a few minutes longer before everyone passed out.  Unfortunately Aiden and I were sleeping on a futon, which proved to be less that comfortable, and so after dozing for around three hours, I woke up and found it almost impossible to get back to sleep.  Aiden woke up shortly there-after and after a bit of whispered discussion, we decided to head home, even though everyone else was still sleeping and we couldn’t really say a proper goodbye.

The drive home seemed long and we were both completely exhausted.  Jack and the kids were already up when we got in, but after tucking Aiden into bed for a nap, Jack came up to our room and laid down with me and we fell back asleep until around noon.

After I got up I went to wake Aiden, as we still had to go over to his former apartment that afternoon to pick up the last of his things.  I crawled into his bed and we cuddled and sort of dozed and then had sex before getting up to shower.  I made brunch for everyone and then he and I headed out.

We moved a couple of pieces of furniture, to be stored at his parents place, and then loaded up the rest of his stuff.  The Olympic hockey game between Canada and the US was in it’s final moments, so we watched the tail-end of it with Aiden’s former roommate and had a coffee with him and his girlfriend who is moving in to the apartment now.  They have only really been dating since early January, so it’s kind of an interesting situation, but who knows, maybe they will be ok.

It was getting later, and so we bid them a good evening and grabbed something to eat on our way out of town.  Aiden was really tired, and so we didn’t even bother to unload his stuff when we got back to the house, I just sent him straight to bed.

Jack was feeling rather nauseous when we arrived, and so although it was technically still Aiden’s night to sleep with me, Jack asked if they could switch since he was feeling so unwell and wanted to be looked after.  I got him to take a Gravol and then we went to bed, and he is off work today because I’m pretty certain he has some form of the flu.  He is all achy and his temperature is slightly elevated this morning so he is going to spend the day in bed.  He is supposed to be flying out to Calgary for work this week and then spending the weekend with P, so it’s important that he recover quickly.

Even though I am fighting a cold or some sort of gross infection, I feel recharged.  The weekend was exhausting, but exactly what I needed

She and I had ONE rather explosive argument, that began with the laundry and ended with our respective shortcomings as participants in this parent/child relationship.  There were tears.  Indeed, I think she cried for over an hour.  When the dust settled we hugged and the visit proceeded quite well until her departure.

Before, during, and after her visit I experienced varying levels of anxiety.  Unfortunately a lot of that ended up being taken out unfairly on Aiden.  In his opinion, it seemed as though even the slightest annoyance became the end of the world.  Insignificant things, that I would normally dismiss easily, instead led to heated arguments.  We even had it out in Wal-Mart one evening.  How trailer park is that?

He isn’t perfect, mind you.  Miscommunication is a tough thing, and there are times when what Aiden thinks or means to say, and what actually comes out of his mouth, are two different things.  Subtlety is often lost on me, because I tend to take things too literally, and so while he was trying to communicate one thing, I was hearing something totally different, but neither of us realized that it was happening, and so there was no clarification.

I think an important exercise for us going forward is to practice “What I hear you saying is…” and then repeating back what we heard.  You would be surprised at how frequently what is intended and what is actually heard are two vastly different things.

It seemed like for days we went around and around the same topic, him trying to do what he thought I wanted, me being so totally absorbed in feeling pissed off and hurt that I missed his efforts completely.  Then he got angry because I had been beating him over the head all week with the SAME FREAKIN ISSUE, which only served to make me even MORE angry, until it all came to a head last night, when we actually had time together to really talk about what was going on.

After we talked I felt only marginally better, until I realized that I was holding onto being angry with him.  I am so bad for that, and I want to learn to let go.  Even now, when I think about the things that occurred that made me angry, I can feel that acidic sensation somewhere in my guts.  It’s like my brain hasn’t bothered to inform my emotions that we’ve worked it out, and some part of me is still letting the hurt fester in there.  It’s significantly lessened, but still it is in there, and if I indulge it, I am sure I can find all sorts of things to be angry about, but what purpose does that serve?

It feels like that is what I have been doing all week.  One specific thing had been bothering me for a while, but instead of really addressing it, I just let it sit there, and I fed it, and I looked for things that Aiden was doing wrong so that I could justify being upset with him, and I let it blind me completely to the fact that he was really trying to make me happy.

Why do I do that?  It feels so stupid when I look at it objectively.  I just wanted to stay pissed off it seems, maybe because then I had an outlet for the feelings I have towards my mother.  Or for whatever other things have been ruffling my feathers lately.

I’m not saying that none of my emotions were justified.  I think that my initial hurt was understandable, because at the center of all this angst is a relationship issue that we are dealing with, but by the time I brought it to Aiden’s attention and he started trying to fix it, I was already wrapped up in my angry little cocoon.  I left it go too long, and I stubbornly refused to really see things from his perspective, because then I would have to admit that I was being an unreasonable jackass.

Unfortunately, when I am hurting, my first reaction is to lash out at the other person.  I hurt Aiden’s feelings, more than once, and pushed him into a corner until he finally got angry.  I think I was sort of gunning for that, because if I pissed him off, and he fought back, then I could justify unloading on him.

I know, I throw up in my mouth a little just writing it.

Aiden’s anger, however, is fleeting.  He gets over things in a matter of minutes, and so fighting with him wasn’t particularly satisfying.

So we ended up talking into the wee hours of this morning.  He pointed out to me all of the ways that he has been attempting to improve the situation.  I had missed pretty much all of them, because I was upset, and because sometimes Aiden isn’t exactly as direct as he could be.  By the end I think we had worked out our communication issues, and hopefully we can avoid a repeat performance down the road.

Now I just need to really let go of feeling slighted.  When you carry on being angry for such an extended period of time, it can take a while to release all of that negativity, but I am working on it.

At least my mum won’t be back until the fall

Somehow it seems shorter when I think of it in hours, rather than days.

My mum and I are still getting along just fine, but between you and me, I’m ready for her to go home.  It’s not that she has done anything terrible, it’s just that her presence interferes with, well, almost everything.  I can’t really relax at all when she is here, which just exhausts me.

Yesterday she wanted to throw in a load of wash, which was fine.  She has been forbidden from using my washer and dryer, because EVERY TIME she comes here, she shrinks or discolors something.  She never reads labels and just washes everything on “normal” when a lot of our collective garments require special care.  Once she ruined several of Jack’s very expensive work shirts, and when I got angry with her, she refused to even acknowledge that she had done anything wrong.  At the time Jack and I were living in a tiny condo, and we didn’t have the extra money to replace $200 worth of shirts, and she acted like it was no big deal.

So, I put her wash in and then walked away.

I can only speculate that after she put her things in the dryer, she decided to completely disregard my repeated requests that she not wash anything but her own laundry here, and put a load of Aiden’s things into the wash.

Later I discovered that not only had she washed some of his clothes, but she had thrown them into the dryer without even paying attention, and thus shrank three brand new shirts that he was given for his birthday.

*Sigh*

Two of them were from us, so they will be easy enough to replace, but that’s beside the point.  I asked her not to do something MANY, MANY TIMES and she went ahead and did it anyway.  Today I installed a lock on the laundry room door, because it is clear that she doesn’t respect me enough to follow very simple instructions: DON’T WASH THE FUCKING LAUNDRY!

It’s not like the dirty clothes were in her way.  It’s not like she asked “Would you mind if I threw some of this in for you?”

She just went ahead like a pig-headed pain in my ass.  I seriously wanted to throttle her.

Instead I calmly informed her that she had again disrespected me, explained that the shirts had been ruined, and then went and hid in my room for a few minutes so that I wouldn’t completely lose it on her.  Again she refused to take responsibility for being an utter jerk, and passed it off like it was nothing.

Once I had composed myself, I was totally pleasant with her for the rest of the evening, and today.

Speaking of today, while she has been mostly easy to deal with, she DID take a few minutes to lecture me on doing too much for Aiden.  Yesterday he and I drove to his old place to pick up the rest of his things (we didn’t get it all, but one more trip should do it).  We got home and unloaded all of it into the garage, and today I began sorting though a few of the boxes, because he gave me permission to help him get rid of things he doesn’t need.

“He will never get a girlfriend of his own if you do everything for him” she said, while I tossed utensils into the discard pile.

She also remarked on the fact that I make his lunches, stating that I should “make him do it himself”.  Despite the fact that she was setting out to annoy me, I couldn’t help but chuckle inwardly.

Instead of becoming defensive, I refused to engage her, casually remarking that she should perhaps mind her own business.  She must have realized that she was pushing my limits because she left it alone after that.

My mum is rather a suspicious creature by nature (I come by it honestly) and so I am quite certain that she wonders if something not-quite-right is going on here.  Fortunately I don’t care, and in fact, I’m glad to give her a juicy topic to gossip about and speculate on with my other relatives.

Last night after we got the kids to bed she sat and chatted with me while I worked on Aiden’s chainmail (the green and black, shown below) and has offered her assistance in weaving it.  I was pleased that she appreciated my project, although I did tell her that I was getting paid to make it, and if there is anything that my mom can understand, it’s money.  Regardless, her enthusiasm and compliments on how beautiful it is were a welcome surprise.  I showed her the anklet I made for myself as well (the orange and silver piece) which she totally loved.

I wonder if she is setting out to kill me with kindness, because not only does she like the chainmail, she also supports my LARPing.  She asked plenty of questions about it and seemed genuinely interested.

“You know, you could have just taken up quilting if you needed a hobby.  I would have an easier time explaining it when I get home” she said, and we both laughed.  In fact we laughed a lot during our time together last night.  She kept me company while I built a LARP shield as well (oh the joys of putting together my first set of gear).  Her and Jack commentated on my skills with foam and duct tape, while we joked and had a good evening together.  She cleaned my kitchen, and I had the good sense not to object, and then offered to help with the shield too.  Could it be that she’s a little cooler than I give her credit for?

When it comes to the cleaning, as much as it bothers me to watch her do it, I have come to realize that it’s her way of showing me that she loves me.  When I make a big deal of keeping her from helping out, she takes it as rejection, and that causes strain.  As much as her way of doing some things offends my OCD, I am exercising my ability to gracefully accept that my mum needs to be able to DO things for me, so that she feels needed, and to express her affection.

When my shield was finished she even went so far as to call it awesome.  This morning when I was showing it to Aiden she teased him about having “shield-envy” because I made a better one than he did.  The three of us sat at the counter and had coffee together and talked, and I think that she likes Aiden enough, considering he’s a total stranger that she’s only just met.  I don’t think she suspects anything out of the ordinary at this point either, which is how I am hoping it will stay.

I’m sure it seems minimal to most of you, but she so rarely takes much of an interest in the things that I do, that I’m practically elated to have her be supportive of this.  Particularly because LARPing seems to carry kind of a negative stigma.

She still doesn’t care for my dogs, but at least she tolerates them well enough.  She hasn’t used that tone even once so far, and today I took her out shopping and she seemed pleased as punch to be spending some one on one time with me.  We had a good outing, and suddenly it doesn’t seem as though this week will stretch on for eternity.

I do miss Aiden a little bit.  By that I mean I miss being able to be affectionate with him.  We managed to sneak a few kisses today while mum was in the shower, but there was no cuddling, and I feel somewhat on guard when he is around, in case I slip up, or look at him too lovingly, or Gods know what else.  It’s kind of unfortunate, but hopefully we can remain inconspicuous for another six days.  On Saturday he and I are going to pick up as many of his remaining possessions as we can, so we will have a bit of alone time.  I’m looking forward to that, if only because I think taking small breaks from her will make it easier to keep things rolling smoothly.  Right now, for example, she is watching a movie with the kids, which is giving me some alone time for blogging.

As much as I was dreading her arrival, when she is acting so awesome, I can’t help but enjoy her company.  I am certain that the week will fly by, and as much as I love her, I will be just as happy to see her go so that we can get back to our own version of normalcy around here

My mother has been threatening…err, talking about coming out for a visit for several months now, so I suppose I shouldn’t have been so surprised when she phoned me last night to let me know that she was booking a flight.

A flight for next Wednesday.

And she’s not going home until the Wednesday after that.

A whole week.

With my mother.

I don’t know if I should laugh or cry or just get so terribly drunk that I no longer care.

She knows that Aiden is living here by the way, under the guise of being our roommate of course.  Fortunately this does not seem particularly unusual to anyone, as we had V living with us for an entire year.  Everyone in my family (except my mum of course) thinks that it’s lovely that we have someone renting a room here, because they aren’t judgmental old fusspots.

It’s also fortunate I suppose that she’s coming during a time when we didn’t have anything special planned.

Less fortunately…well, there’s the fact that for an entire week Aiden and I are going to have to act as though we are merely acquaintances.  Any affection towards him on my part (or vice versa) will only serve to earn me a prolonged lecture on the finer points of behaving “properly”, and further fuel her feelings of utter failure as a parent.  That might not bother me so much if she didn’t channel all of that negativity into criticizing me, or my friends, or my parenting, or my choice of toilet paper.  If she can find fault with something, she is quick to point it out, with little to no regard for the feelings of others.

In a way, I am kind of excited for Aiden to meet one of my parents.   I just wish she wasn’t so…disapproving.  Of EVERYTHING!

When I told her that one of our friends had moved in, she got that tone.  The tone that she gets when she wants to convey to me (or anyone else) that she disagrees and STRONGLY DISAPPROVES of whatever it is I might be doing or saying, or even thinking about doing.

Then she remarked, in that tone, that having other people living here makes it hard for her to come and visit, because it’s uncomfortable.

HARD!

FOR HER!

Really, mother?  So we should never have people live here, because their presence offends you for the one week of the year that you darken our doorway?  How dare we be so inconsiderate of your comfort, to allow a NON-RELATIVE to stay under our roof.  The shame of it!

That’s exactly her attitude, and I’m not even using caps lock unnecessarily.  In fact, it is so necessary for me to talk VERY LOUDLY about my mother, that I debated writing this whole post in caps, just so that you could appreciate the magnitude of what I am dealing with here.

This is my mother, except minus all the cute.  And ramp up the disapproval about 700 notches.

Last night, after the phone call, Aiden and I were in the shower together, discussing the upcoming invasion…err, visit.

“Everybody got a good mother, except for me” I complained, resting my cheek against his chest.

I know it’s not true, but some days it seems like it.  V has a great mother, and so does Jack, and Aiden, and Nia, and most of the other people I know.  While I realize that none of them get along with their mothers 100% of the time, it does seem to me that in their adult years they have at least found a way to exist comfortably with one another.

My mother and I exist comfortably when she is 2,000 miles away.

I love my mum, honest I do.  I truly believe that she did the best she knew how when raising us, and that she went above and beyond the normal level of parental sacrifice to give us everything we needed, and often everything we wanted as well.  Some days she’s wonderful, and I greatly enjoy her company during those times.

I just wish she would understand that I am my own person, not a younger version of herself.  I think she knows it, but she doesn’t like or accept it.  She is so much like her own mother, and I am nothing like either of them, which makes her crazy.  She also hates that she and I are not best friends, but it’s impossible to have that level of trust with her because if she’s not criticizing whatever I happen to be sharing with her, she’s repeating everything I might tell her to the rest of our family!  She’s a terrible gossip, it’s one of her favorite past times.  Nothing is sacred if it’s uttered in her presence.  I’m sure that at least part of the reason she’s coming out here, is to find out who this person is who moved in with us, so that she can go back to Alberta and tell everyone else what she thinks about our living arrangements and choice of roommate.

During our brief exchange last night I mentioned that last time she was here, she seemed unhappy, which she immediately blamed on V.  Nothing is ever HER fault by the way.  Accountability?  Unheard of.

According to her, V was critical of the way she did things with the kids, and didn’t give us five minutes alone to visit.  Meanwhile, V spent most of her time in the basement, and only joined us for ONE outing the entire week that my mother was here.  She was NOT critical of the way my mother did things with the kids, and merely attempted to explain to my mother that we have certain routines and methods of doing things.  V was friendly and respectful about it, but since we don’t do things her way, she was deeply offended.  Sadly, my mum has disliked V since we were young, over an insignificant incident that occurred when we were merely 18.

Have I mentioned that my mother likes to hold a grudge?  FOREVER!?!?!?

V merely supported me during my application to obtain information on my birth parents (and joined me for the subsequent first meeting I had with my biological mother).  I didn’t involve my mum in the process at all, because I was an adult and felt that I needed to do this more or less on my own.  I doubt she will ever get over being excluded from it all, but rather than talk to me about it or place the blame where it belongs, she decided that it was all V’s fault and hasn’t cared for her since.

Over ten years and she hasn’t let it go, and she told me as much two summers ago when V was preparing to move out here.

She really loathes that I don’t include her in all major life decisions by the way.  She gets pissed off when she doesn’t get to decide how long we stay during the summer, or during which month we come to visit.  She hates that we decided to move out here without consulting her, and complains to my aunts that she “never would have done that to her kids or to her family”.  The list of things I’ve done that she disagrees with is loooooooong, but that should give you the gist of my most recent failings.

I could put up with most of those things, and even her personal attacks on my for my weight or tattoos or choice of hair style, if it were not for the fact that she seems to have a huge problem with Jack.

She is pleasant enough to his face, but as I live in a family full of gossips, I am privy to the things she says about him behind my back.

Like V, Jack did something that made her feel slighted, and she has never gotten over it.  This happened almost eight years ago of course, right after the birth of our first child.  She had come to stay with us when we brought Luke home, and being the overbearing bossy-pants that she is, she proceeded to try to railroad me into doing everything the way SHE thinks it should be done.  Now being a terrified 19-year old new mom, I didn’t want to argue with her, but Jack wouldn’t put up with it, and basically told her to back off a little, and that we needed to figure things out for ourselves, and so she left, with a huff, claiming she felt unwelcome.

And she’s never let it go.  I don’t think she really knows how.  She has passed judgement over Jack, and myself, and our marriage, ever since.

I have it from good authority that she disapproves of he and I having single friends.  She thinks I spend too much time gallivanting around, and how dare I have a life of my own.  It’s shameful, apparently, that I have friends or that I have interests aside from child rearing.  She believes that Jack and I should only associate with other couples.  Not just any other couples mind you, but couples with children.  Couples who are good Catholics (Christians will do in a pinch).  He and I should never do anything social separately, in her opinion, because that could possibly lead us to INFIDELITY!

A part of me wants so badly to tell her that it’s too late for that, heh.

“Are you really honestly happy?” she asked me one night, in such a way that I knew she was implying that my marriage might be in the toilet.  I had just come in after being out with some friends from high school, that I had run into while visiting her during the summer.  You see, even though I was 26, it was vastly inappropriate for me to be out late in mixed company.  She had called my phone and told me to “get home, NOW” and I had no choice but to comply, as she was babysitting the kids for me and I didn’t want to argue with her at that hour.  When I came in she was waiting for me, and she began grilling me at length, like I was 17 again and had rolled in late for curfew.

No, I didn’t take it like a bitch, I told her that I was an adult and that she needed to back off about ten paces, and that if it was an issue of my leaving the kids with her that had her so upset, I would gladly take them elsewhere to be babysat so that I could have five minutes to myself.  I wasn’t trying to threaten her, but I wasn’t going to put up with her bullshit either.  She shut up, and then asked me if I was happy.  She asked in such a way that it was obvious she really meant “Are you happy in your marriage?” and I looked her straight in the eyes and told her that of course I was, and then I went to bed.

In her defense, she had every right to be suspicious.  Less than an hour before this conversation occurred I was rolling around in bed with a guy I hadn’t seen since grade 12, whom I had always been interested in, and whom had always been interested in me.  We’d never gotten together because one of us was always dating someone.

That fact, however, did not negate me being happy in my marriage.

I can only speculate on what she will assume after spending a week here.  Aiden and I will do our best to remain inconspicuous.  Who knows how successful we will be.  If she corners me, I think rather than lie I will simply tell her not to ask questions unless she is certain that wants the answer.  Or perhaps I will just come right out of the poly closet and then she will really have something to gossip about when she gets home.

</Rant>

Thank you for bearing with me.  I really needed to unload, to get out all of the negative feelings towards my mum, and hopefully mentally prepare myself for her visit.

I want to assure you all now that Jack had just as much input as Aiden and I, when it came to the contract.  He read the drafts and requested additions/subtractions as he saw fit.  Aiden and I both felt (and still feel) that although the contract is technically between him and I, that it affects Jack just as much, if not more so, and that his feelings on the matter would be of the utmost importance.

Currently the contract is up for renewal, however with Aiden just beginning a new job and settling in here with us, we’ve postponed renegotiating it for the time being.  When we do, Jack will again be asked to contribute his thoughts and feelings on how the trial period went, and what changes he would like to see, if any.  It’s obviously very important that we are all on the same page when it comes to where the boundaries lie, and what is and is not ok.

Sometimes Jack disagrees with the way in which Aiden and I conduct our relationship.  I won’t speak on his behalf, but for example there was one day when I had been feeling off, or at least more moody and emotional than usual, and I had a punishment coming to me for some infractions in the days prior.  Jack found it difficult to understand why Aiden would follow through with punishing me when he knew I was having a really shitty day, as he is more inclined to coddle and snuggle me when I’m not feeling like myself.

We talked about it, and I did my best to reassure him that not only was the punishment well earned on my part, but that it was important for Aiden to follow though on these things because otherwise it would be difficult for me to take him seriously as my Master.  Consistency is important, especially in the beginning, and despite feeling really terrible, I knew that and accepted it, although perhaps not as gracefully as I could have.

Jack gets it on a rational level, it’s just not his way.  Regardless, he did not interfere, and I believe that he does trust Aiden to look out for my best interests.  He knows that while I can be submissive, I am not passive, and that if I am really having an issue, I won’t hesitate to make it known.

Aiden isn’t really that inclined to order me around a lot either.  There are certain expectations when it comes to my behavior, which I am aware of.  Rather than ordering me to do something, he prefers to ASK that I do it, which leaves the onus on me to obey.  This may seem contradictory to the entire Master/slave relationship, but Aiden prefers that I not become the type to mindlessly follow orders, and would rather that I behave because I’ve made the choice to do so.  It’s kind of difficult for me to put into words, but by leaving me at least the illusion of a choice, I confirm my submission to him every time I do as I am asked.

There are times when Jack is resentful that I will do things for Aiden without argument, when I won’t necessarily do those things for him so willingly.  It’s not that I am intentionally being disagreeable, or dismissive of Jack, it’s just the difference in how our respective relationships are negotiated.  While it sometimes bothers him, there are also times when he uses it to his advantage.  He does enjoy the perks of the house being tidy more often than not, and of tasks being completed in a more timely manner.  When he points out to me specific things that I do more willingly for Aiden, I do make a note of it and then put more of a conscious effort into doing said thing for Jack without a ton of objections.

Division of time is perhaps the most difficult aspect of co-habitating.  While Aiden was looking for work, he and I were able to spend every day together.  Obviously Jack and I don’t often enjoy that luxury.  Now that Aiden is working again, things should be a little more fair.  Divvying up the weekends can be difficult, between LARP and kink events and other social engagements, I could be gone almost constantly, but that would be terribly unfair for Jack and the kids.  So we work at balancing.  I make sure to give Jack as much notice as possible regarding plans or events I would like to attend, and then we negotiate how to make the most of our time in a way that is workable for everyone.  This past weekend, for example, I spent most of Saturday with Jack and the kids, and Aiden went for lunch with some friends.  Saturday evening Aiden and I attended a birthday party, and got home quite late.  Sunday morning Aiden went to visit his parents, and afterwards to LARP, and I skipped LARP and spent the whole of Sunday at home with Jack and the young ones.

This coming weekend, Aiden will be out on Friday night until the wee hours I imagine, as he has plans in the city with his pals.  On Saturday he and I are going to drive out to his parents place, to celebrate his birthday with them and his siblings.  On Sunday Aiden is going to watch the kids for a while so that Jack and I can go out for V-Day brunch, and that evening we are all going to hang out and have fondue to celebrate as a group.  Monday will also be spent at home, celebrating Aiden’s birthday for a second time, as a family.

Those are just some examples of what our weekends look like around here.  Some are more low-key than others, but our schedules are generally crazy, LOL.  Fortunately I’m a planner, and both Aiden and Jack generally leave it up to me to keep track of our respective social engagements and to give them each adequate notice regarding what we are doing at any given time.  Slaves are really just glorified personal assistants with better perks, after all

When something isn’t really working for Jack, in terms of time or my relationship with Aiden, he’s really good about letting me know so that we can discuss it and make adjustments.  As long as the lines of communication remain open, we can generally find a workable solution that makes everyone happy.

Thank you again for the question(s) Tonya.  I hope you guys will keep them coming, if you are curious or require clarification on anything.  Please don’t be shy

I can be physically vulnerable, that doesn’t scare me at all, but when it comes to talking about my feelings, or God forbid, crying in front of him (the HORRORS!) I would rather eat a pail of sand.

I’ve always had kind of a hang up about crying in front of people.  My family really frowned on the shedding of tears, even during moments when it seemed like the appropriate response.  I very clearly remember my mother and my great aunt discouraging me from crying at my great-grandmothers funeral (she and I were very close and it was a terrible loss).  It struck me as odd at the time, and in the weeks after, but looking back on it, that was just the way my family has always been.  Crying was associated with being emotional and weak.  We (my siblings were no exception) were expected to hold ourselves together and be rational.  Even now, most of my family members will become extremely uncomfortable and change the subject if I attempt anything more than superficial conversation with them.  Feelings are private and should stay that way, period.  My grandfather, who was and continues to be like a father to me, and whom has always treated me like his favorite, used to always tell us to “toughen up” if we were hurt or sad over something.  I don’t think he was trying to be callous, I think he was passing on what he had always been taught, and doing it to prepare us for the harshness of life later on.

Anyway, I can’t blame it all on my family, but that early conditioning does not make it easy for me to be forthcoming with my feelings.

Often when I feel wounded enough that I cannot suppress the tears, I will hide somewhere to have a moment with myself.  If I can’t manage that I will avoid eye contact with whomever happens to be present until I can compose myself.  I know at times it has driven those closest to me a little crazy.  One afternoon, not really that long ago, I was driving somewhere with V and we were discussing something painful for me, and she could see that I was doing everything possible not to lose my shit right in front of her.

“It’s ok to let it out you know” she said, slightly exasperated.  After being my best friend for over a decade, I think it still irritates her that I can’t just let it go.  In my defense, I’ve gotten better, but I still don’t think my ability to talk about or express emotions is the same as most peoples.

The first time I cried in front of Aiden, it was during a scene, a punishment actually.  In fact, that’s the ONLY time I can cry in front of him, even though there have been times when I felt the urge while we were not playing.  Even though I still hate when it happens, and I feel intensely uncomfortable, I can’t seem to turn it off.

Most recently, he was punishing me after I’d been completely out of line for the better part of two weeks.  I did not take my punishment gracefully, and in fact I struggled and resisted until finally it seemed wiser to just give up and take what was coming to me.  That bothers me, that I didn’t really surrender, I just felt defeated, which is not the same thing.  That, perhaps, is a topic for another day.

At any rate, he punished me, and though it wasn’t particularly harsh, I felt exceptionally emotional.  When it was over, I cried, with my head in his lap, while he rubbed my back and praised me and told me to let it all out.  He called me his good girl and although I still felt stupid and embarrassed,  his response was supportive and considerate of my feelings, which made it slightly less horrifying for me.

I hate it sometimes that it has to be so hard for me to just let it go.  I want to be open with my feelings, but I suppose I am afraid.  I am afraid of how Aiden will react, or that I will be further wounded, or that I will say the wrong thing.  We haven’t gotten to the point where I trust that no matter what he might say, he’s coming from love.  It takes a long time for me to get there (I think I am currently averaging around six years to get to that point with people.  Just ask V and Jack, heh).  It’s not fair though, and at some point I am going to have to stop being so guarded and defensive and just trust that he loves me and that he won’t intentionally hurt me.  I would say that nine times out of ten, when we are at odds with each other, it is due to the fact that I haven’t been open about my feelings, and that I have made assumptions about him, or expected him to read my mind.

It seems ridiculous to me that I can’t just say what I feel or acknowledge and embrace my emotions, no matter what they might be.  It’s easy to tell myself that nothing truly horrible will happen, and that likely my being forthcoming will only lead to Aiden and I having a closer relationship, but in the moment it’s difficult to remind myself of that.  In the moment I just want to avoid having to talk about it.

The progress is slow, but I think that things are getting better.  Aiden has a good deal of patience, but I don’t really want to push it all the way to its limits.

In response to my previous post, Perakath remarked:

I feel a bit bad for Jack! Is he really okay with it all?

I left it sit for a while, because Jack intended to respond personally (and he still might) but being me, I have a few things to say on the matter, and some additional comments on how the co-habitation is progressing.

Over the weekend Jack and I had the opportunity to go out for dinner together while Aiden supervised the younglings.  As often happens, the conversation turned to our current state of affairs, and I asked Jack if he ever imagined that we would end up in a poly living arrangement like this.  I don’t think either of us ever really thought that we would get to this point.  When I really stop myself to think about it, it seems not only strange but bordering on insanity, which is perhaps why it works.

The short answer is, yes Jack really is ok with it all.

Having Aiden living here is not without it’s perks for him.  Another adult to ride herd over the children is always welcome, not to mention that fact that Jack and I have been able to spend some desperately-needed alone time together out of the house.  Aiden pitches in with the housework and contributes to the grocery bills, and he keeps me on task when it comes to getting things done.

It’s not perfect and it’s not always awesome and I don’t expect that it will ever be just right.  Jack is sometimes resentful of the amount of time I presently get to spend with Aiden, although that is bound to change rather immediately, as there is progress on the job front.  Sometimes one of them has a shitty day and could probably use a warm body to cuddle up with that night, but it’s not their turn (that’s actually already happened to both of them at least once).  I feel like when that happens it might be understandable for the one in need to approach the other and ask to switch nights, but that is up to their own discretion.  Maybe we need to add that to the discussion topics for the next family meeting.  There are days when I am in a mood and I think they might BOTH like to throttle me.  Aiden and I have had our share of disagreements.  My stubbornness frustrates him to no end, and we piss each other off fairly regularly, but it never really lasts long.  He’s not one to let things sit un-mended and while I’m not particularly cooperative much of the time, our communication with each other seems to be improving.

Speaking of switching nights and sleeping arrangements, starting tomorrow we are going to try out a 3-night rotation, due to the fact that changing beds every night is very disruptive to all of our sleeping patterns.  Hopefully that will work out a little better for everyone, but only time will tell.

There are also funny little insignificant aspects of this arrangement that one never really considers until they come up.  Such as having to keep a spare toothbrush in Aiden’s bathroom so that I don’t have to go all the way up to the Master bathroom to brush my teeth before bed and in the morning.  I’ve also come to realize that it is essential to keep at least one change of clothes in Aiden’s bedroom, because sometimes I’m already naked before I get down there at night and then I have nothing to put on in the morning when I get up with the children.

Jack and Aiden also have vastly different morning routines, which means I have a different morning routine, depending on where I am waking up.  Jack likes to hit the snooze button half a dozen times and get up very gradually, while Aiden’s alarm causes him to jump three feet straight into the air, and then out of bed.  On the weekends they both like to sleep in a little, although Jack more so than Aiden.  Fortunately they both like cuddling, and Aiden has begun allowing for snuggle time in the mornings before he has to get out of bed or he knows I will be owly all day

Hopefully Jack will get around to commenting and share his own thoughts and feelings on the current living arrangement but I think for the most part we are all pretty content with how things are progressing thus far.  Please don’t hesitate to ask questions if you are curious, someone will take the time to answer them sooner or later

While we were in town we had dinner with his parents, and he let them know that he is moving in with me.  They weren’t exactly surprised, since he forewarned them in October that he was looking for a job where I live.  I think that they like me enough that they don’t really mind him moving over an hour away, especially since they know we will visit as often as we can.

During the course of the conversation, Aiden’s mum mentioned us bringing the kids over for a visit sometime in the future.  His parents are aware of the kids, but they think I’m divorced, and don’t know that I live with anyone.  I expected that at some point they would want to meet my children, but I’m not really certain how to handle that situation.  Aiden just wants to roll with it and see how it goes.  If the kids make any remarks that raise questions, he will handle them, but I’m not a fan of being put on the spot.  More on that when it happens.

It’s been nice having Aiden around all the time.  We still have to move the bulk of his stuff, and his room is a disaster, but there really isn’t any rush.  He has until the end of February to relocate all of his possessions.  Transitions are never perfect of course, and we’ve rubbed each other the wrong way a couple of times already, but co-habitating with a new person always requires an adjustment process.  We are still working out some of the minor details, like where I spend the night.  The current sleeping schedule is alternating nights, which we are trying out for the time being, and if that doesn’t work I think we’ll try a 3-and-3 rotation.

The kids are quite thrilled that Aiden is here to stay, although they are slowly learning that while he’s super fun, he also won’t put up with disrespect or misbehaviour on their part.  He doesn’t mind babysitting either, which has allowed Jack and I to go out on a date, for the first time in ages.

In the chaos of moving and car shopping and all manner of other craziness we’ve been up to, the Dom/sub aspect of our relationship has been pushed onto the back burner, although I doubt that will last long.  Our contract comes up for renewal on February 4th, so more on that as we work out details and adjustments.

For now we are just getting into a reasonable routine and rhythm with an extra body in the house.  Much, much more to come on how exactly it’s all working out.

We just love us some anal toys around here, and the Lelo Bob is no exception.  Made entirely of satiny silicone, this is the ideal toy for butt-play beginners. It provides fantastic stimulation, and although it’s made of silicone, is rigid enough to make insertion easy.

Due to it’s diminutive size and prostate-friendly shape, it’s perfect for men who are curious about anal toys, or for those who don’t like anything too large back there.  Women may also enjoy this toy, although clearly it has been designed with the male in mind.

I really liked the ring/handle at the end, which made it easy to insert and to wiggle around.  Being silicone mind that you use water-based lube, and NOT silicone-based lube.

The Bob is easy to sanitize.  Anti-bacterial soap and water, or boil it for 10 minutes, and you’re ready to go again.  Note that you should never leave toys unattended while you are boiling them.  I’ve heard far too many (very funny) horror stories of the water boiling away, leaving one with a lovely silicone blob in the bottom of the pot. Always dry thoroughly before storage (and speaking of storage, the Bob comes in a lovely little satin bag).

Thanks to Pure Pleasure for making this review possible.

This Product Receives:

Last weekend I went out with friends on Friday night and saw Daybreakers (pretty good movie, but unless you’re really into non-sparkly vampires, I would wait for the DVD).  Afterwards I went to Aiden’s house and spent the night, and the following morning we attended a FetFair together, along with a friend of his who is just coming out in the scene.  Aiden bought two new floggers, one of rope and one of soft, buttery deer hide.

That evening we also went to a play party together, where we socialized and spent time with our friends (we didn’t play).  Recently Aiden has taken an interest in needle play, and so I found someone within our social circle, whom came highly recommended, to teach us.  Likely those lessons will begin within the next month, or as soon as our respective schedules allow.

On Sunday Aiden watched the younglings so that Jack and I could go out on a date and celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary.  We did a little shopping and then had dinner at a restaurant in town that we’ve been meaning to try for the better part of a year.  It was really nice to get out with no kids.  I can’t properly remember the last time he and I went out like that.

Aiden hadn’t been feeling good over the previous week, and decided to take Monday off of work.  He’s had some stomach issues, and at first he assumed it was the flu or something of that nature, but it’s persisted for longer than a normal flu should.  He ended up taking Tuesday off as well and spent almost 10 hours waiting in emergency to see a doctor.  They did some blood work, which came back normal, and examined him, and then encouraged him to follow up with his family doctor to be tested more thoroughly.  So we don’t really know for sure what is going on with him yet, but his symptoms have eased off a bit since then.

As his car died back in late November, we decided to use his time here to our advantage and shop around for something new (to him).  We spent two days checking out various and assorted car lots, and reading through the most recent copy of the Lemon-Aid Guide, before he finally settled on a Chrysler Neon (yes, I know, but it will do for the time being).  It’s a standard, which he didn’t know how to drive, so I took it for a spin to try it out before he bought it.  I had almost forgotten how much more fun it is to drive a stick, heh.

We brought it home on Friday, and that evening I took him out and taught him to drive it.  He caught on really quickly (we’re still working on the roll-back issue when stopping on an incline) and I think he’s already spoiled, because on Saturday he complained that my automatic was boring to drive, LOL.

Speaking of Saturday, I went my first LARP event over the weekend.  I was anxious about it all last week, and I felt under-prepared, but off we went Saturday morning.

It wasn’t as awkward as I expected.  It was not one of their typical events, as due to it being winter, it largly took place indoors.  There was some excellent combat outside in the evening and during the morning and early afternoon the following day, but mainly it was RP (role-play) based in terms of character interaction.  That suited me as I’m still not very confident with a weapon (although I did actually participate in some of the combat, and I didn’t die) and it gave me a chance to meet and get to know some of the other characters.

I play a darkling, which is a kind of fae with black skin and gold veins (wearing lots and lots of black make-up was interesting).  They don’t like the sunlight and generally don’t interact a lot with other creatures.  That worked well for me as I could act as quiet and broody and I wanted, LOL.  I had a great time though and I can’t wait to go to another event.  There is also nothing quite like going through Tim Horton’s for coffee while you’re still 100% in costume.  We got some interesting looks (Aiden plays a goblin who is bright green and scampers around in chainmail and a loin cloth) but it was amusing.

After we got home on Sunday (the kids thought we looked fabulous as we were still in costume) we showered, ate supper, and got kids to bed.  Then Jack patiently tolerated Aiden and I re-telling stories from the weekend, even though I’m sure most of it was a vague mystery to him.  It was kind of strange really, because even though Aiden and I were together most of the weekend, I felt like I’d missed him, because IG (in game) we hardly know each other, and spent a lot of time doing separate things.  We didn’t even sleep together at the event because for one it was kind of “pass out where you can find space” and for another because you’re still technically in character while you are sleeping and darklings do not go around cuddling with strange goblins whom they hardly know.  Plus when I get in the game I don’t feel like I’m hanging out with Aiden, I’m hanging out with his character, so it’s kind of an unusual sensation.

536. LARP

In case anyone is curious, when we are in game together, we put our Master/slave relationship on hold.  As mentioned above, we are in character, and so I can be as mouthy and badly behaved as I like (and believe me, I took full advantage of that, HA HA!)  If anyone asks about my collar, I tell them that it’s OOG (out of game) as in not part of my darkling costume or persona.

This week will be spent finding Aiden a new job and moving some of his stuff into the house.  Blogging may be light during this transition time, as adding an extra person to the house and working their schedule into the rhythm of things can take some adjustment.

I hate it when he makes me ask.

“Ask, my pet”

I don’t want to.  I’d much rather be told what to do, than to have to articulate to him what I want.

“Perhaps I should stop?” he asks, before licking one of my nipples.  I groan and my back arches.  His fingers stop, although he doesn’t pull them away.

“No…” I whine in protest.  He’s terribly cruel.

“Well then, ask for it”

My resistance is cracking, just as it always does when we get to this point.  He resumes touching me, until I can’t stand it any longer.

“Please may I have an orgasm my Lord?” I manage to whimper very quietly, half-burying my face against his chest, my cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

“Look at me”

I feel so awkward, that for a moment I consider refusing, but that tone in his voice makes it clear that there is no room for negotiations.  It’s a struggle to focus long enough to look at him.  He watches me intently.

“Ask again”

“Please may I have an orgasm my Lord?” I repeat, louder, although I look away before all of the words are out of my mouth.

My efforts, however imperfect, are passable, this time.

He allows me my reward.  I come for him in great, shuddering, waves.

“Good girl” he murmurs, running his hand down my back while I curl up against him, my discomfort forgotten.

I can’t see his face, but I’m certain he’s smiling quite smugly while he rests his chin against my forehead.

“Next time, I’ll make you beg for it”

Shasta:  Basically, yes

V:  How do you pronounce it?

Shasta:  I have no idea

V: *Pause* Well, at least you sound smart on the internet

I also remember $2 bills, Atari, and rotary telephones.

That really has nothing to do with this post, except to point out that gaming systems have come along way since the early 80’s.

In 1982 we did not have cell phones, or the Internet, and we walked 3 miles to school each day, uphill, both ways.

What we DID have were coin sets, and Jack just so happened to receive one that year, which I discovered and confiscated from him on the grounds that what is his, is mine.

371. Collect a set of coins that were minted in the year I was born

• Metal shoehorns will leave bruises with hardly any effort at all

• People get kind of excited when you serve Cornish hens and leave them whole.  Like “We get a WHOLE bird?  Each?”

• Kolach, while the most beautiful of breads, is less like bread and more like a giant pretzel

• Even candles that are 100% paraffin wax are sometimes still too hot for wax play

• You have to start really early in the morning to watch all six Star Wars movies in one day

• If you push hard enough on a Wartenberg wheel, it will totally draw blood

• My kids know that babies come out of the vagina, but have no idea what butter is

As you can see, we had no shortage of fun around here.

Our Ukrainian Christmas celebration on Friday night was a wonderful success.  Nia and Muse were able to join us for dinner, and the five of us enjoyed the meal at a leisurely pace.  The kutia, although kind of strange looking, was really tasty.

Making traditional Ukrainian Christmas bread was probably my favorite part of all the preparation, and it allowed me to cross something off of my list.

109. Bake homemade bread

It turned out beautifully, and although it does take a bit of time, making bread from scratch without any assistance is really satisfying.

Unfortunately, we didn’t get around to making fudge over the weekend, but there is always this coming weekend.  We were short on both time and snow, but it’s not the end of the world.

On Saturday morning I got up and left Jack to sleep in.  After feeding the kids and the dogs, I made coffee for Aiden and myself and took it down to his room to wake him.  He’s generally not much for mornings, so I crawled into bed beside him for a cuddle, and tried my best to suppress my obnoxious “IT’S MORNING!!! THIS IS THE BEST TIME OF DAY EVAR!” attitude.

We snuggled, and then we started kissing.  We hadn’t seen each other all week, and due to having company and dinner the night before, we hadn’t really spent any time alone together.  Aiden normally doesn’t wake up “in the mood” so I was kind of surprised, in the best sort of way, when kissing led to him pulling my pajamas off while I stroked his cock under the covers.

I took him in my mouth for a few moments while his fingers were between my thighs.  His cock was incredibly hard, and I was aching for it, so I begged him to fuck me.

When he slid into my pussy my breath caught in my throat.  I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him closer, so that his pubic bone was rubbing against my clit with each thrust.

It felt like we hadn’t been together in ages.  Everything but our panting, and the feel of his skin on mine just sort of faded into the background.

I bit down on his shoulder to keep from whimpering too loudly while he fucked me, until he groaned into my ear and I felt his cock twitch in my pussy while he came.

We cuddled a while longer, and drank our coffee, and then got up and put some clothes on before heading upstairs.  Jack got up too and I made breakfast, and we all ate together before Aiden and I headed out to run some errands.

While we were out we got Aiden’s passport photos done and then we stopped at this weird little store in search of a curved barbell for his PA piercing, which we found.  We also found a set of metal thumbcuffs there, which Aiden decided he should have, LOL.  We haven’t had a chance to try them yet, but I’m looking forward to it.

In the afternoon we all settled in to watch the Star Wars movies.  Unfortunately we started way too late in the day to watch all six of them.  The kids were up for the first two, and then they went to bed.  Aiden and I watched the third one with Jack and then we begged off to play a little before bed.

There was flogging and then a little strapping and then a lovely massage followed by a bit of wax play that unfortunately had to end quite prematurely as these are really not suitable for such applications.

After he had scraped off the worst of the wax with a knife, I had a quick shower and then returned to his room for snuggling and a bit of fooling around that ended with him coming on my face.  As tempted as I was to shower for a THIRD time that day, I was tired, and so excused myself to wash my face and then we cuddled up in bed and went to sleep.

Sunday morning came far too early.  I got up before either Jack or Aiden, fed children and hounds, and then made coffee and went back downstairs.  Aiden and I cuddled a little and then drank our coffee and got up for the day.

Breakfast was made once Jack was up, and then we watched Mantracker (such a good show!) before Aiden and I planned to leave for his place.

When we got into town we went to his place, and I tried to coax Tank to eat one of the mice that is currently living with him.  Stubborn little shit wouldn’t eat though, even as I herded the mice towards him and they crawled over his head.  I really do need to remember to take my camera one of these days to get some pictures of him.  Apparently at some point yesterday he killed one of the mice but didn’t even eat it.  He’s kind of a strange snake.

Aiden called his mom and she invited us over for dinner, and since we hadn’t really made any firm plans yet, we went over and had chili (it was delicious) and visited for almost three hours.

Then we picked up some groceries, and went back to his house to hang out until I had to leave.  I changed his PA jewelry for him, and this barbell isn’t really the answer, but it will do until something more suitable can be found.  Then we crawled into bed and cuddled, which somehow led to him fucking me with something like this until I thought I might make a terrible mess all over his bed.  Unfortunately being too concerned about the mess prevented that from happening, but I did have such an intense orgasm that my abdominal muscles were sore the next day.  After I had recovered, I sucked his cock until he came in my mouth, and then we cuddled for a few more minutes until I had to go.

All in all it was a really good weekend.  I’m looking forward to this coming weekend as well, since Aiden and I are going to a play party, and I have plans with friends, and Jack and I are going out on Sunday to celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary.

It’s difficult to believe that January is already almost half over!

Jack:  What?  Why?

Shasta:  It was SO crowded tonight.  When I got there, EVERY. SINGLE. TREADMILL was being used, full of New Years Resolutioners, promising themselves that THIS YEAR will be different and that they will actually lose the weight, get in shape, whatever

Jack:  Maybe you should go at a different time of the day?

Shasta:  It was 8:30pm!  It’s normally dead in there.

Jack: *Shrugs*

Shasta: I felt like shouting “Hey fatass!  Get off the damned treadmill.  We both know you won’t be here in February”

First on December 25th, like most everyone else, and then again today, which is Ukrainian Christmas.

When Jack and I got married, there was some sorting out as to how holidays should be observed.  We combined our separate traditions into our own unique and mutually agreeable hodge-podge of festive goodness.  He now gets pajamas on Christmas Eve from The PJ Elf, and I now get to make up for crappy over-commercialized Christmas with quiet and stress-free Ukrainian Christmas.

While most people are packing up their ornaments, our tree will remain up until at least the 10th.  We don’t usually exchange gifts for Ukrainian Christmas, because it’s really not about that, and who wants to go shopping AGAIN, after suffering through weeks of insanity the month before?  We prefer to focus on enjoying good food with people we love and our plans for the coming year.

This year I am really excited about “Second Christmas” as Aiden called it.  We are not having the traditional 12-course meatless meal, but I am making a number of customary dishes (kutia, kolach, pyrohy) that are usually served as part of the traditional meal.  We’re also having Cornish game hens and cabbage rolls.

We’re actually celebrating it tomorrow, so that Aiden can join us for dinner.  I bought chestnuts for toasting, and I’m planning to attempt my great grandmother’s old-school homemade fudge recipe.  Neither Jack, nor Aiden, nor the kiddos have ever had fudge on snow, which is one of my fondest winter memories as a child.  My grandmother would make a batch of fudge, and when it got to the soft ball stage, I would run out into the yard with a pan and scoop up clean snow.  Then she would drizzle patterns of liquid chocolate into the snow, which would immediately cool to the consistency of soft taffy.  We would eat it until we were nearly sick, and then we would all take turns beating air into the remaining fudge until it was ready to set.  I was the oldest cousin, and I remember watching all the little cousins and siblings gathering eagerly around (or on) the counter, waiting for the candy to be just right.  Then we’d all scramble to be the first to get our paws into the pan, even though we knew that there would be more than any of us could possibly eat, without risking a significant tummy ache.  My grandma would utter a few futile warnings about waiting our turns, and then give up with a chuckle.  I don’t know why it never occurred to use to pour it over ice cream, LOL, but perhaps we’ll have to try that here.

Being so far from our families, I don’t want my kids to miss out on experiences like that.  I want to make sure that I at least attempt to pass on some of the best parts of my childhood.

Aiden and I were both rather sad that we didn’t get to be together for Christmas on the 25th (I mean who doesn’t want to be with ALL of the people they really care about during the holidays?) so I feel like we get to do it over, the way I would have preferred to celebrate “First Christmas”.  Maybe that’s why I’m actually feeling more festive than I did during the entire month of December.

On Saturday the three of us and the kiddos are going to hole up in front of the big screen and watch all of the Star Wars movies (I got Jack all six movies for Christmas).  Maybe we’ll go out and frolic in the snow a little if it’s not too far below zero.  I’m looking forward to some down time with my two most favorite males.  Hopefully Aiden and I will have a chance to play on Saturday or Sunday as well *Cheeky Wink*.

I hope everyone has a great weekend (even if you aren’t lucky enough to get a second Christmas).  I have to go knead some bread dough.

Merry Ukrainian Christmas!

Typing that word in reference to myself still makes me cringe a bit, but not as badly as it did in the beginning.  I’ve grown accustomed to some aspects of wearing a collar 24/7, but many are still a struggle.

Asking for what I want is sometimes extremely difficult.  For example, I am not permitted to masturbate without permission, but rather than ask, I will often assume the answer will be no, and just not bother.  There are times when my submissive feelings embarrass me or make me feel uncomfortable.

Some things are becoming easier.  I’ve been more obedient, at least in terms of completing tasks set to me, and doing as I am told.  I’ve been less bratty and rebellious.  I’m adjusting, somewhat slowly, to the fact that I really don’t get to make my own decisions a lot of the time.

We’ve both had our moments of doubt that this would work.  There have been times when I wanted to take my collar off and throw it at his head.  I wanted to tell him that he makes a far better boyfriend than he does a Dominant and that I just would prefer a “normal” relationship.  He questioned how serious I was about being his slave.  He thought perhaps I just wanted a collar as a status symbol, without all of the commitment required.  There have been a couple of disagreements, I’ve had a tantrum or two, but we seem to find our way.

The main sticking point currently, as far as Aiden is concerned, is that I still haven’t really accepted the fact that my time is no longer my own.  I am so in the habit of doing as I please, when I please, that it’s difficult for me to remember that I must ask, or at least notify him before I leave the house, talk on the phone to my friends, or agree to social activities (among other things).  My time, at least what does not belong to Jack and the kids and my job, is all his, and I am supposed to ask how best to spend that time, and not just decide for myself.  My time is to be spent pleasing him, regardless of what that means.

He feels that when that finally clicks somewhere in my brain, I will become a far better slave, and I agree that he’s right.  Yes I’m still a bit of a brat.  My alligator-mouth writes cheques for my hummingbird-ass all the time, but he’s generally lenient unless I really get out of line.  He will tolerate playful unruliness, but he will not put up with blatant disrespect.  Sometimes I step over the boundaries before I can catch myself, but in my perception it is getting better.  He will often give me a stern look when I’m pushing my luck, which is fair warning.

Initially, I think I really pushed the envelope because I wanted to test him.  I wanted to see if he was really serious.  Then one week I *really* irritated him, and acted like a totally sassy bitch.  So he zip-tied me to an ironing board, told me not to pull it over, and then hit me with the “whippy stick” until I cried.  To really make his point, he didn’t stop when the tears started, but finished what he’d begun, and then fucked me in the ass until I begged him to stop and promised to do as I was told.

After that, I decided it would be in my best interest to keep my behavior in check.

I’m sure that makes him sound like a total dick to some of you, but it was a justified punishment.  I knew I was being terribly disobedient and stubborn, and I knew what would happen if my behavior continued.  He gave me plenty of warnings, which I dismissed.

Fortunately, since then, I have behaved well enough to really avoid any more significantly harsh punishments, but I’m certain it will probably not be the last.  I am, after all, only human.

The “Ironing Board Incident” did have one somewhat distressing side effect.  It kind of killed my desire to play at all for quite a few weeks.  I hadn’t really noticed it until Aiden brought it up during his time here after Christmas, because it sort of seemed as though we just hadn’t made time for play.  Once he mentioned it though, it sort of dawned on me that he had invited me to play a number of times, and I had declined each time, even though it wasn’t going to be punishment.

We talked about it some, and during the time he was here we did a bit of light playing, briefly, but it was enough to warm me up to the idea again.  I’m really hoping we find some time to play this weekend, as he’s promised me a really lovely scene if I’m good all week (which I am making my very best effort to accomplish).  I’m also hoping he might chain me to his bed by my collar one of these nights, as it’s sort of one of my pet fantasies.

Our current contract comes up for re-negotiation and renewal at the beginning of February, and it will be interesting to see what we decide to change, if anything.

2. Visit the Toronto Zoo

23. Learn to roller blade

39. Ride on an actual train

80. Play paintball

86. Make out in a library

102. Go up to the observation deck of the CN Tower

109. Bake homemade bread

116. Eat at the revolving restaurant in the Calgary Tower

175. Spend a weekend in Ottawa (without my kids)

223. Watch all of the Star Wars movies in a row

234. Stay awake from Friday morning to Sunday night

248. Visit Canada’s Wonderland

271. Ride the GO Train

295. Make jam from scratch

334. Visit the Art Gallery of Ontario

371. Collect a set of coins that were minted in the year I was born

386. Touch a stingray

387. Make donuts from scratch

393. Take a spinning class

447. Ride The Mindbender at West Edmonton Mall

451. Dip my toes in each of The Great Lakes

459. Go to a dinner theater

485. Have a pint at Wheat Sheaf, the oldest bar in Toronto

499. Make chocolate-covered bacon

536. LARP

Naturally I never limit myself to ONLY accomplishing things on this list, nor will I stop trying to cross additional list items once I’ve managed to do 25 things.

What are your resolutions/goals/objectives/list items for the year?