Stiletto Diaries

Since no one found my chocolate butthole link worthy of comments or LULZ, I’ll just bore you with some more blog housekeeping items!  So there!

First, I’ve decided that in an effort to be more accessible to readers, I would get an MSN Messenger account for use with this blog.  MSN is marvelous in that you can use pretty much any e-mail address to sign up for this service, so you can add me to your contacts list using my regular contact information, which is stilettodiaries at gmail dot com.  Feel free to add me if you like.  I am going to make a point of being online there as often as I am able, for chat, to answer questions, or have group discussions.

Second, I’ve been browsing around some other blogs, and I’m wondering how you guys would feel about the ability to leave voice comments here?  Is it something you would use?  There is a service that provides voice commenting for free, and basically how it works is that you record your comment via the mic on your computer.  Apparently I can also use Skype for call-in comments (I know very little about Skype, feel free to educate me if you wish).  Do you think it would be worth it to bother?  Can I see a show of hands?  How about just vote in the poll then

Also, I’ve discovered another blogging tool called Skribit, which enables you to put a box in your sidebar where readers can suggest topics they would like you to write about, and readers who would like to see content that has already been suggested can add their ‘me too’ by voting for the proposed topic.  What do you think of that?

Really the goal here is to make Stiletto Diaries more user friendly and perhaps a little more ‘interactive’.  I don’t want to go adding a bunch of stuff that my readers think is crappy, cluttersome, or useless.  I would really, really love to hear at least a few opinions on some of these proposed add-ons.  You guys have been really great with some of my past questions, so I’m hoping for more of the same

Also, if you just want me to stop dicking around and stick to writing more ‘interesting’ content, feel free to say that as well in the comments section, LOL.

Added:  I have also installed some plugins for comments.  You will now have the option to subscribe to comments.  I now have the option of replying to your comment directly (your comment will post with my reply underneath) so hopefully this will result in more discussion/interaction on the comment boards

Added II: Really I should not post until I am done tweaking.  Anyway, I’ve also added a plugin that allows you to reply directly to other commenters.  The replies will be posted in a thread, so that commenters have have discussions with each other more efficiently.  Enjoy!

Ethics are a funny thing.  Everyone has their own set, much like fingerprints.  Generally, Jack and I agree with each other when it comes to morals and ethics, which is nice, and certainly makes life easier.

Recently, a question arose that has us at odds with each other, and in an effort to perhaps gain perspectives that hadn’t occurred to me before, I’m putting it out there to my readers.

So here’s a basic overview of the situtation we can’t agree about:

Jack befriends girl.

Girl is dating a married man.

Married man’s wife is not aware that her husband is dating girl.  Girl obviously knows that wife doesn’t know and doesn’t seem to have any problem with the fact that her boyfriend is having an affair on his wife, with her.

Married man keeps telling girl that he will leave his wife.  Eventually it becomes clear that he has no intentions of doing so and girl dumps him.

Girl casually expresses interest in Jack.

Shasta feels HIGHLY uncomfortable with Jack pursuing said girl, because she was party to a situation that Shasta feels was highly unethical.  Shasta thinks that being part of an affair speaks volumes about a person, their ethics, and their attitude towards honesty and relationships.  Shasta trusts Jack but certainly does not trust girl and feels she does not want to be friends, let alone part of a relationship with said girl.

Jack disagrees and feels that since girl wasn’t married herself, she really wasn’t doing anything wrong.  Jack also insists that since HE is trustworthy, Shasta has nothing to worry about were he to get involved with girl.

Sorry if that was confusing, LOL.   It boils down to the fact that I personally feel you are just as responsible for an affair as the married person, if you knowingly participate in deception of that persons spouse.  I would never, ever date someone who I knew was married unless they could provide me with proof that their partner was ok with it.  Even if it’s just a brief conversation on the phone, or something of that nature.

Even though she perhaps didn’t directly participate in the lying, it seems to me that someone willing to get involved with someone under those conditions isn’t the most honest or trustworthy of people.  Yes, Jack and I are polyamorous, so is there any reason for him (or her) to lie?  Maybe, maybe not.  She could lie about all sorts of things, like her sexual history or her STI status.  I trust Jack completely, but he’s also only human, which means she could manipulate him or otherwise create a whole mess of trouble.

I also doubt I could handle getting to know her, or even meeting her.  I’ll admit, I’m judgemental, and suspicious, particularly when it comes to things like this.  I don’t want to be her friend, I don’t want to be in the same room as her, I don’t care how ‘nice’ she seems.

Jack feels that this is a little unreasonable on my part.  After all, I’ve broken the rules, and I’ve cheated (not when we were married mind you, since I took my initial vows of monogamy very, very seriously) so shouldn’t I try to be at least a little understanding?

Perhaps I should be, even though I think it would be seriously difficult to understand where she is coming from, especially since I don’t get the impression that she felt badly about what she was doing, or that he was cheating on his wife.  The only reason she dumped him is because she wanted him for herself, and he wouldn’t leave his wife.  That doesn’t inspire a lot of understanding in me, it just makes me think she’s a home-wrecking wench.

What do you guys think?  Should I cut the girl some slack and give Jack my blessing to at least have coffee with her?  Do you think I am right to be suspicious of her and her ability to be part of a responsible, ethical, non-monogamous relationship?  I’m curious to hear any thoughts my readers feel like sharing

Note: Often I don’t make the time to respond to comments, however, since I want to create discussion and dialog, I will be responding to every comment on this post and expanding on thoughts or answering questions.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, Jack and I ended up having to postpone our dinner plans at Susur until later this week.  It was unfortunate, but not nearly the end of the world since we are indeed still going for supper there, we just have to wait a few days longer to do so.  It’s actually worked out for the best because I am getting over a head cold and if I’m going to spend $140 on a meal, I’d like to be able to taste it.

I apologise as well for the password protected entry that I posted some days ago.  I really do not intend to make a habit of such things, because I really enjoy being able to share parts of my life with all of you.  That said, there were times over the past 2.5 years when I was unable to blog about particular people or topics due to the sensitive nature of the circumstances or individuals.  This was distressing to me, because at the end of the day, blogging is something I do for myself, to work through thoughts or feelings, or even to keep an accurate recounting of events.  Jack and I often refer back on the blog where there is discussion about a certain time or place and we can’t remember what or when, we’ve even used it to figure out who was driving the vehicle when one of those pesky photo radar speeding tickets arrived in the mail.  Perhaps this doesn’t mean much to anyone who doesn’t blog, but for me being unable to retell certain feelings or events due to people in my life who would read it means that there were a lot of really important words I never managed to type out. 

Yes, I could have kept them as separate word documents or even written them in my paper journal, but for some reason that just never materialized.  Would it have under different circumstances?  Had I been able to blog about it more openly would I have gotten around to really doing so?  Maybe, maybe not.  The point is that the option wasn’t always there, and now that I have moved (to Wordpress publishing tools with paid hosting) I have a way to write what is on my mind and sometimes keep it to myself.  I don’t do this to exclude everyone, and if you feel strongly enough about reading it you’re welcome to e-mail me about getting a password.  I promise I won’t do it often, since that’s not what this site is about, but I can’t promise I’ll never take advantage of that particular option.

On to more interesting tales now that I’ve cleared that up

Last night Nia and I went to another Sex Party at Goodhandy’s.  We met up with her playmate, who clearly needs a name I’m thinking, before we went to the bar, since things never really get going until after 10pm.  Before I continue lets come up with something to call said female friend…hmmm…Flavia.  Makes me think of flavour, which I’m sure she has since Nia spends so much time between her legs.  Hee Hee

So Nia and Flavia and myself arrived at Goodhandy’s and were immediately greeted by Todd, who remarked that now the party could really get started (since the party girls had arrived!  Woot!).  We got drinks and he encouraged us to go and watch the two very attractive young male models/porn stars who were masturbating on either side of the stage.  Being quite keen to encourage them we did just that.  An ex-boyfriend of Nia’s from years and years ago also decided to join us on our night out, although I’m not going to bother giving him a name at this point, so we’ll just call him Nia’s ex.  The four of us sat and chatted, and enjoyed our drinks, us girls frequently gazing at the naked eye candy on stage.  While we were sitting there the lovely couple whom I played with at the last party came in to the club.  They saw me right away and came over to give me hugs and say hello.  She was wearing this very hot corset and I remarked on how fabulous she looked.  I was hopeful that they would be inclined to play again later in the evening but I didn’t want to be pushy.  We agreed to run into each other again later, and off they went.

Meanwhile Flavia and Nia and the ex-boyfriend decided to kick off the spontaneous orgy, or at least a very hot and public threesome for the enjoyment of the crowd.  Some of the males who were watching got a little close, and had to be asked to back off a bit, but nobody had to be thrown out.  Todd is particularly protective of anyone who chooses to play and asked me to let him know immediately if anyone was being bothersome to our group.  In fact throughout the night the bouncers approached me several times to ensure that none of us were being harassed.  It really adds to the atmosphere when you know that you can be comfortable and that the staff there take their jobs very seriously when it comes to ensuring that everyone is well behaved.

One of the male models, who had since put on at least some of his clothes, approached me and introduced himself.  He was really, really attractive, and I was very tempted to accept his invitation to get naked with him.  As much as I wanted to say yes, especially when he asked so charmingly in that yummy accent of his, I politely declined.  Don’t ask me why, I just wasn’t in the right state of mind I suppose, and having intercourse with strange men is not generally a service I provide, no matter how gorgeous they are.

He wasn’t the only one I turned down.  Another of the regular models/porn stars, who was clearly drunk, approached me as well, introducing himself and asking if I wanted to play with him.  I let him kiss me a little before I said no.  Even though he was adorable I don’t like to fuck drunk boys, especially as I said above, drunk boys I don’t know.

The male half of the couple I mentioned early happened to be standing next to me at the bar sometime later in the evening, and leaned over to ask me a question.  The conversation went like this:

Him: So my girlfriend wants to know if we’re going to have Round 2 tonight?

Me: I don’t really know that it’s up to me actually (meaning it was up to them) but I am pretty sure I wouldn’t say no.

Him: Alright, I’ll tell her that

Then I smiled and returned to my friends, expecting to see them sometime shortly thereafter.

Unfortunately I didn’t, although they caught up to me as they were leaving, and after giving me hugs she remarked that she hoped I could play next time.  Confused I said that I could have played, but had assumed they didn’t want to.  He seemed surprised and asked me to clarify what I had said at the bar.  When I told him that I’d meant to imply it was up to them, there were groans of disappointment all around.  We had a bit of a laugh about it, although clearly we were all quite sad that the miscommunication had prevented a good time for all.

“We’ve been talking about you for the past 29 days!” he remarked, smiling but obviously a tad frustrated over the entire situation.  I reassured them, her in particular, that I had certainly not intended to reject that and that certainly I had been eager to play.  Turns out neither of us wanted to be pushy about anything, and in the process, had missed out.

She gave me her number and I promised that I would make my very best effort to attend the next party that they are able to come to as well (which unfortunately isn’t until the end of June, due to other life commitments they have).  We wished each other a good night and they left, followed shortly by the four of us.  Nia was staying in Toronto with Flavia, and I assumed her ex was as well, so I bid them farewell and drove home to my husband, falling into bed exhausted sometime around 4am.

The entire way home I stewed with annoyance over the missed opportunity, and debated in my head the proper thing to do at this juncture.  She gave me her cell number, which I didn’t ask for, she offered.  I really want to call her in a day or two and apologise again for the miscommunication, and assure her that I wasn’t rejecting them.  Then I kind of want to ask if they ever play away from Goodhandy’s?  Like could we all meet up for coffee or something and maybe get to know each other better?

Advice please!  I have no idea what the best course of action is in this situation.  I really, really want to see them again, since I find both of them very attractive (now that I had a chance to get a good look at him).  To any couples out there who are swingers or poly, what would you like a girl you are clearly interested in to do if she and you were in this situation?  The future of my interaction with them, and thus the potential for more hot stories about our fun, depends on you.

Today was a day for relaxation and recovery.  Jack took the kids and I into Mississauga to go to the new Earl’s restaurant that just opened there.  Earl’s was one of our all time favorite places back in Alberta, so we were very excited to hear that one was being opened in Square One Mall this month.

Before we had dinner Jack indulged me with a shopping spree at Lush.  I picked up a couple of small chunks of Ice Blue and Sea Vegetable soaps, which I have heard are good for dreads, so that I could try them both and see which one I like better.  After some more browsing I decided to pick up a couple of their massage bars, which I haven’t had the opportunity to try yet.  When you buy two of them you get a free tin to keep them in, so I went with Wiccy Magic Muscles (for all those sore spots after hitting the gym) and Fever, for those sensual massages I sometimes give to Jack before bed.  Yum!  The girls who worked there recommended I try the Mask Of Magnamintywhen I enquired about trying something new for my skin.  I wouldn’t say that I am prone to breakouts all the time, but I certainly notice them more before my period, so this is apparently just the treatment to have on hand for those times.  No visit to Lush is complete without picking up some bath bombs for the mammoth tub we have.  This time I picked up a Sex Bomb(so good, one of my favs) a couple of Waving Not Drowning and an All That Jaz.  I had to pry myself out of there before I really got out of hand, but I was very pleased when I left with my bag of goodies.

Dinner was really yummy, and afterwards we took the young ones for ice cream.  It was actually a really nice way to end the weekend.  I think I’m going to have a nice hot shower before crawling into bed tonight, since I’ve spent to much time writing about the weekend, and eaten up all the time I had intended to use for having a bath.

This week I am hitting the gym every day, and Thursday night is Susur.  I’m planning to call that nice couple once you guys give me some feedback on how to handle that conversation :P  Or even if you don’t, LOL, since I don’t want to miss out again.  Should be a fairly quiet week overall, and I’ll keep you posted on developments for next weekend!

Hello Shasta,

I found your blog through researching some toys for the bedroom. I know this is a bit strange for the blog, but I’m a male asking a serious question because I am so terribly confused.

My girlfriend and I are looking to get into some anal play, and she has this fantasy where she wants our roles reversed. She was to do me with a strap-on, and having used prostate stimulation toys before, I am quite open to it. The problem is that we have absolutely no idea where to begin. I’ve looked into harnesses and strap-ons, but everything confuses me. Basically I want something that she can wear
that will be inserted to give her pleasure as well as myself pleasure. The Feeldoe fits this bill quite nicely, as it gives vaginal and clitoral stimulation (although you mentioned it was quite weak). I’ve not quite found any harnesses or full on belts that have a vaginal insert/clit stimulator built in, although I know that they
exist.

We are both students, so money is a little tight at the moment– which is why we’re asking for some advice before we put the money down for something. Any help would be appreciated!

Thank you for the excellent e-mail I always love hearing from my readers.

Your question is a good one! I think that I would totally recommend the feeldoe for you two. You can purchase accompanying harnesses that also come with their own vibrating bullets.

Here are a couple that are feeldoe compatible and include their own vibrating bullet (generally in a pouch of some sort):

Corset Harness

Velvet Vibrating Harness

There are other harnesses out there that you can attach dildos to and all that, but honestly, I don’t think they are as good as the feeldoe.

The only drawback is that you can’t use silicone lubricant with silicone toys (like the feeldoe) so if that’s a big problem, let me know and I can find you something else.

Since money is an issue (as it is for most of us) I would suggest you invest in the slim blue feeldoe and try it without a harness to begin with. Some people find it perfectly wonderful just as it is. If you feel you need a harness, then you can purchase that next, when you can afford it

Hopefully that information is useful to you. Let me know if you have any other questions!

XOXO
Shasta

Do you have a question for Dear Shasta? Questions can be submitted via e-mail, or posted in the comments section below. Submitted questions will be answered in upcoming Dear Shasta segments. Questions can be on any topic you wish.

I was wondering if you could help me with something. I chose you because of knowing of your polygamous relationships, you’d be able to help.

Thanks for the e-mail First off, one correction: Polygamous means many spouses (usually associated with one man marrying more than one person). My relationship style is Polyamory, which means many loves. These relationships do not have to be really serious, but generally feelings on some level are involved. Just wanted to clear that up

Let me ask you if you think XXXXX would be open to the idea of sharing you? Do you think, given the right circumstances, that she could be ok with you loving someone in addition to her? Keep in mind that if she absolutely cannot consider polyamory for your relationship, you are either going to have to leave her to pursue another relationship, or completely give up on YYYY. Either way you need to make a choice, to do what makes you happy.

If you want to try polyamory with XXXXX the first thing you need to do is be completely honest with her about your thoughts and feelings regarding this other woman. Explain to her that while you love and adore her as much as ever, you are ALSO, at the same time, attracted to someone else. Be prepared, she is going to be seriously threatened and angry at first. It could potentially end your relationship.

Is that worth it to you? Is it that important to you to be able to pursue other relationships? You need to ask yourself some hard questions before you go forward with this.

Take Care!

XOXO
Shasta

Do you have a question for Dear Shasta? Questions can be submitted via e-mail, or posted in the comments section below. Submitted questions will be answered in upcoming Dear Shasta segments. Questions can be on any topic you wish.

Shasta,

I went through your reviews, and you have several that you rated highly, but…is there ones in particular, should be stuck on an island, that you would just *have* to have?

Thank you for the note

Hmmmm, trapped on a desert island. Well it really depends on what sort of stimulation she likes? Does she prefer clitoral? Penetration? Both? G-spot?

The rabbit is very popular, although prone to burning out if you use it for longer than 20 minutes at a time. If you did want to go with a rabbit, I would suggest you go with the iVibe by Doc Johnson or any rabbit manufactured by them.

Also, my love of Fun Factory toys is no secret. Considered some of the best made toys in the world, just about anything they make (besides the layaspots, which seem to often malfunction) is excellent.

Personally, if I had to choose only three toys to keep from my collection, these would be my top choices:

iVibe Rabbit Vibrator

Galan II G-Spot Vibrator

The Cone

I had almost completely forgotten about The Cone, but amongst my pals, it’s a huge hit (in fact I’m not even sure who has the thing right now, since I like to share the love).

Hopefully one of those will be the right fit for your friend.

XOXO
Shasta

Do you have a question for Dear Shasta? Questions can be submitted via e-mail, or posted in the comments section below. Submitted questions will be answered in upcoming Dear Shasta segments. Questions can be on any topic you wish.

Do you know what this blog needs? More anal toy reviews! Woohoo. To assist me on my quest to bring you the best in back door bedroom bling, Pleasure Me Now sent me the Kobe Tai Anal Adventure Kit. The idea behind this kit is to provide a variety of anal toys suitable for beginners, right up to more experienced individuals. Buying a sex toy kit is generally cheaper than buying toys individually, sort of like buying a boxed set of dinner wear, or wrenches. You get a good taste of several different toys you may not have otherwise considered. Plus if you are feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of styles and sizes available out there, this sampling will help you find out what you like or don’t like.

First, lets take a look at what this package offers. To begin with, a bottle of anal lube. Basically your run-of-the-mill water based lubricant. Anal lube is often of a thicker consistency than lube designed for vaginal use. Nothing to write home about here, similar to KY gel. I know that there are some anal lubes available that are designed to desensitize or numb the anal area, and I plead to you, NEVER USE THEM! If you are in pain during anal sex, you’re doing it wrong. Seriously. Damage to your anus can easily occur if you are numbed to the discomfort, even minor tears to the opening can become infected and result in awkward visits to your doctor or hospital. This is easily avoided by passing on the desensitizing lubes and listening to your body’s signals during any ass play.

Next there is a set of anal beads, and these unassuming little gems are a load of fun. There is a well-known technique often recommended that involved rapidly pulling the string of beads out of your partners behind as they are climaxing. It’s a totally incredible sensation. Highly recommended. As an aside, never, ever purchase anal beads with string between the beads. Unless it is well coated in silicone, it will harbour bacteria and other gross stuff. Bleh, just avoid it all together.

Two butt plugs, in different sizes and shapes are also included. They are both quite small in size, perfect for beginners. These are the sorts of toys you should start with if you are new to anal play.

Last, there is a very basic vibrator with two sleeves of different textures. This set is only recommended for people who have done a bit of anal play. The vibrator can be used on it’s own (I would suggest that before trying it with a sleeve) and is easily covered by a condom. Speaking of condoms, I would encourage you to cover all of your anal toys with condoms. Feces, when transferred to your vagina can cause irritation and yeast infections. Transferred to your mouth it can cause E coli, Hepatitis A, Hepatitis E, pneumonia, and influenza. Please be careful when using toys for both your anus and vagina or mouth.

I found the sleeves difficult to get on and off of the vibrator. I would advise sprinkling a little corn starch inside the sleeve before putting it onto the vibrator to assist with removal later on.

This kit is certainly an excellent set for the curious and inexperienced. It’s enough to get you started on your way to a long and fulfilling journey through the joys of anal pleasure. None of the items are too intimidating or scary, nor huge and unusual.

This Product Receives:

Hi,

If you’ve got any advice or tips or what have you to help me figure what I’m doing, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for the e-mail, and I am flattered that you’ve taken the time to read through so much of my blog! Please don’t feel strange, I get e-mails quite often from random blog readers

Ok, now for your question. When it comes to strap-ons I actually do have a bit of experience. I own a vac-u-lock harness system that I purchased for personal use ages before the blog came about. Having tried the feeldoe, and talked to a number of lesbian and bi-sexual women about it, I would encourage you to give it a try.

There are a number of harness systems that are compatible with the feeldoe. I would advise you to order a harness if you’re going to be purchasing a feeldoe (especially the larger sizes). Here are three compatible harness systems for the feeldoe:

Corset Harness

Universal Harness

Velvet Vibrating Harness

The most important things to consider when shopping for strap-ons are how comfortable and adjustable the harness portion is, and how many attachments are available for it. With the vac-u-lock for instance, you must buy specific vac-u-lock attachments. With other harnesses, such as the above ones which operate with a ring holder, any dildo/vibe with a flared base will work with harness.

Your specific needs when it comes to the dildos you wish to use will likely play into which harness option you choose.

I hope that helps!

XOXO
Shasta

Do you have a question for Dear Shasta? Questions can be submitted via e-mail, or posted in the comments section below. Submitted questions will be answered in upcoming Dear Shasta segments. Questions can be on any topic you wish.

I hadn’t really planned to post anything today, but I am having a bit of a dilemma and I had hoped my insightful and wise friends out in the Land O’ Blogs might have some thoughts to share.

See, I’ve been chatting a bit to this new guy, in the hope of establishing some sort of Friends With Benefits arrangement with him in the very near future. Thus far he seems agreeable to us hanging out, doing ‘pals’ type things, and also sleeping together if the mutual desire presents itself.

Which is excellent. At this point I am not looking for anything serious. I want someone I can have social time with and the sexual aspect is always a plus.

This male is, in a word, pretty. Actually gorgeous is a better word but I just like calling him pretty. He’s incredibly good-looking, great body, fantastic smile…in a word, YUM!

Unfortunately he also seems a little…dumb. Not stupid mind you, just not very intellectual. A little blah in the brain pan you might say. He doesn’t do a thing for me when it comes to intelligence.

This is a problem because smarts turn me on. Not the only thing that turns me on of course, but if we’re going to spend any time talking, I’d prefer the other person have a good handle on intellectually stimulating conversation.

Now, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt here. Normally the lackluster content of our initial conversation would have earned him The Block And Delete. However, I realise that some people just do not communicate well online. Some people can’t translate the thoughts into the written words very effectively. It goes the other way too, I’ve met people who were fantastic writers and yet having a conversation with them made me feel like I had to ‘Dumb Down’ so we could connect on some level. I am totally planning to meet him at least once so that I can get a better feel in real life.

Lets just say though, that he actually IS equally blah and duh in real life. Would it be wrong of me to tolerate him just so I can have [hopefully] awesome sex with such a pretty, pretty man? Should I just walk away even though he’s so delicious I could eat him with a spoon? I mean, generally speaking, there are aspects of just about every person that we don’t really adore completely. That doesn’t mean we can’t click with them in certain ways while just accepting their lesser traits as part of the overall package. Especially in situations where it’s going to be a casual thing and there aren’t any expectations of true love.

What do you guys think? I’ll give you the run-down of course when we actually get together in real life, and this entire thing might be moot. Share your thoughts, I’m eager to hear them!

*Orson Scott Card

I’ve been having a lot of conversations lately about personal strength and being a woman.

Before I get rolling on this let me say first that I do not really consider myself a feminist, nor have I ever claimed to be one. I’m not trying to say “Hooray for women, we are so great”. I’ve never been able to identify with the feminist label, nor have I done a lot of research into what being a feminist entails. What I do know is that save for a select few, I have strongly disliked most of the women I’ve met who claim to be feminists, mainly due to their tendency to be victims of their life. Also, even though they claim to want equality, most of them seem to harbour a smug superiority complex towards men, which I find revolting.

That aside, what makes for a strong woman?

Many people have commented to me that they are inspired by my personal strength. While I find this highly flattering, it got me to wondering what it is about me that they perceive as strong?

Don’t worry, this post isn’t going to be of the “Yay Me!” variety.

Foremost I believe that strong women refuse to play the victim role in their lives, no matter what the circumstances. Even if they actually WERE a victim, suppose of a rape, they refuse to let that define them, or to control them forever after. The strong women I know tend to be independent (yet still vulnerable) with a solid self image and a clear sense of who they are. Well, as clear as any of us can get, LOL. They do not feed into co-dependant relationships, or allow themselves to stay in situations which force them to compromise excessively.

Generally speaking they seem to live their lives to the fullest they know how. Doing the things that bring them joy and fulfillment without trampling others in the process. They create friendships and connections that are genuine, honest, and open. A strong woman will be upfront with you when you have pissed her off. Rather than avoiding the situation or pushing it aside in order to prevent conflict. She will address the situation at hand, speaking her truth while being accountable for her own experience.

I’m really getting so tired of women who settle for less than complete happiness in life and in relationships. It’s not impossible or unrealistic, and I find it sad and pathetic that any person (man or woman) would rather sit in their own shit, instead of getting up and doing something about it. Why sell yourself short? Don’t you think you deserve the most out of life? Stop letting your partner, your family, or your friends convince you that you can’t do it on your own. Don’t let them tell you that you aren’t capable of doing anything you want to do.

A lot of what drives us to settle or not to strive harder to get what we want is fear. We all get scared sometimes, and if anyone tries to tell you different they are either full of shit, or delusional. Fear doesn’t need to control you however. You know what my motto is?

Fear is the opportunity to be courageous.

It really is you know. Being afraid of something is the perfect reason to tough it out. Stand up, show your strength. Why do you think I get pretty much everything I want in life? Believe me, I do, but not through questionable means. People tell me all the time that they have never seen me fail at anything I have put my mind to. I can be terrified, which I know means I’ll feel totally awesome when I come out the other side successful. What an awesome way to live, don’t ya think?

Of course just resigning yourself to mediocrity is less work. FAR less. You’d best stay on the porch if you’re not up for a lot of pain and ugliness. Getting the most out of life isn’t easy, but then again, nothing worth doing is. Knowing that is part of what makes a woman (or man for that matter) strong.

You all know I get scared. You know I fall and doubt myself and cry and scream and rage. I want to give up sometimes, more often than I care to admit. Maybe the fact that I never do, the fact that no matter how down I am I always get back up, is why people remark on how strong I am.

Maybe it’s all an act right? I am sure people think that, but you can’t fake real strength for long. You’ll crack under the pressure if you’re all talk and no walk. Real strength, the kind that comes from deep inside you, can’t be pretend. You’ve gotta really believe it, and yourself..

Strong women are not manipulative, nor will they be pushed around. They will gracefully admit to being wrong, while fiercely defending what they feel to be right. Most of them are protective of the people they love and will not shy away from emotional situations. They speak their mind without being arrogant or overbearing.

Being strong doesn’t mean being pushy or insisting on having your way. It also doesn’t mean being cruel, proud (in the negative sense) or haughty. Be proud of yourself, and who you are, but don’t be a braggart or a snit. Strength comes not from a sense of superiority, but from fairness and equality when dealing with other people. Really strong people don’t feel the need to prove themselves, ever, to anyone. They are comfortable and confident with themselves, regardless of the opinions of others.

I know that I am not always everything I’ve discussed here. I don’t think any of us are. People tell me that I am strong and instead of shrugging it off or trying to be modest, I say “Thank You” because I know that it’s true. I AM a strong woman, and I won’t pretend to be otherwise to avoid making people uncomfortable.

I’m really proud to be who I am, and I embrace myself, warts and all. What I don’t like, I’m working on turning around, without blaming my shit on anyone else. The only person who can make or break my life is ME.

My wish is that all of the awesome women (and men) I know will be able to say those words and really mean it, to the depth of their soul. I know I do, do you?

*Charles Stross