It’s Behind You! Hurry Before It*
Posted on June 28th, 2007 in Advice, Emotional Angst, Ethics And Morality, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
It's not by accident that I haven't written a very personal or detailed post about The Polyamory Experiment™ in about 4 months. That's a long time to go without the usual emotional angst and "Oh Woe Is Me" around here.To be honest, I haven't felt like sharing that aspect of myself here. As always there is constant movement under the surface. Although the move has pushed it somewhat to the back burner, it lingers there, always scratching gently and waiting for my attention.
The truth is I go back and forth on how safe I feel exposing my soft underbelly here. Yes, it's my blog, that's what it's here for, but doing so also invites sometimes cruel criticism. That is the nature of blogging, I know this, which is why I allow comments, and don't moderate or delete them. However, when I don't feel like having to deal with that, or I am particularly sensitive, I just don't write about that here. I keep it fluffy and fun, because even when things are icky and raw, my life is still a fabulous adventure.
I have continued to fight and claw and struggle against my insecurities. I've talked until I have no words left. I've read and studied everything I can find on dealing with jealousy. I have spent a LOT of personal quiet time, just mulling everything over, churning it 'round in my brain until I develop a headache.
Progress has been made, although Jack has not yet had sex with another woman. Part of that is due to circumstance (he's been working like crazy for months) and part of it is due to his worry over potentially causing a tremendous fracture to our relationship.
Currently though we are right on the cusp of leaping off of that cliff and seeing what happens at the bottom.
As I was gathering my thoughts to write this, the most amazing thing happened. A new Polyamory Weekly podcast popped up on my BlogLines. Wouldn't you know, it was a special about jealousy! So I hit play and settled back to listen, and then began taking notes here in this post. I think that the Cunning Minx just changed my life, and the way that I process my jealous feelings. Please allow me to share with you what I wrote down from the show:
Step One - Acknowledge The Feelings
"I feel jealous and insecure"
Say it out loud. Own those feelings verbally.
Step Two - What Does It Mean?
If Jack kisses another woman then:
I feel threatened. I feel that Jack is doing something with her that I wish he would do more of with me. Jack and I 'peck' all the time, but we generally don't spend a lot of time making out. When he does this with someone else, I feel less special and less desirable. I fear he would rather make out with someone else than me.
If Jack is sexually intimate with another woman then:
I become uncomfortable, because I am afraid that he will find her more physically attractive than me, and that he will prefer being with her over me. I wonder if she will be more sexually satisfying than I am, or better at handjobs/blowjobs. I fear not being good enough.
If Jack has sex with another woman then:
He may not want to have sex with me as often. He may want to spend more quality time with her than he does with me. I am afraid that he will find her prettier/sexier/more attractive. I fear being less desirable. I fear being ignored and neglected.
Step Three - Uncovering The Fear
Do I believe that Jack is with me because of how I look?
No. Jack is not a shallow or superficial. I know that he loves me because of the person I am and the wonderful qualities I bring to our relationship. I would not be with him if I felt he only loved me for my looks.
Do I believe that Jack is with me because of what I offer him in bed?
No. While sex is a vital and important part of our marriage, it is not the be-all/end-all. The frequency/intensity/length ebbs and flows, as is normal in relationships. During times when our sex is less frequent, I do not feel that he loves me any less than when we are having more sex.
Do I think that if Jack finds a partner who is prettier or thinner, that will make our relationship less special?
To be totally honest with myself, no. Jack admires other women, he watches porn, and flirts. There are women out there who are certainly thinner than I. There are also women who are prettier. Him looking at them and finding them attractive does not mean that he then looks at me and finds me ugly. We have been together for almost 7 years, if that was going to happen, it would have occurred LONG ago. When I look at a particularly attractive man, it does not make my love and affection for Jack any less real or special.
Is it possible that Jack is with me for reasons besides how I look?
Absolutely.
What are those reasons?
I am a fun, dynamic, and interesting person. Jack is more of an introvert, while I am an extrovert, and he adores how I draw him out of himself. I am very supportive of him, I encourage him, and I rub his back when he wakes up in the morning, which he loves. I take care of our home and our children. I do his laundry. I am strong for him when he needs me to be his rock. I love him with all of my being. He loves and admires my drive to do the things I set my mind to. He appreciates that I am tough, independent, and sexually adventurous. He adores my soft side, and that I tuck love notes into his socks when he travels for work. He loves that I claim to hate getting flowers, yet he can see how pleased I am when he surprises me with them... I could go on for a long time, but I am sure that gives you a good idea.
In light of those things, is it reasonable to assume that someone else could replace me?
No. Even if he loved and cared for someone as MUCH as he loves and cares for me, she would be different things to him than I am. I am special. No one it me, and I cannot be replaced.
What value do I add to his life?
I bring him great joy and happiness. I hold him up when he feels like life is crushing him. I provide companionship. I fulfill his need for physical touch. I make him laugh. I make him think. I have very intellectual conversations with him. I assist him in fulfilling his life purpose. I am his best friend. There are more, but I can add more later, when it's not 1 o'clock in the morning, LOL.
Has Jack ever said/done/implied anything that would lead me to believe that he would leave me if he meets someone more physically attractive than I am?
No. Those words didn't come from him. My source of low self-esteem related to my body image comes from years and years of being teased and called fat as a child. I also come from a family of overweight people who have been obsessing over their weight for my entire life. My mom especially has never held back when she felt I was getting too fat. While I don't feel at all that Jack would leave me, I fear not being good enough or thin enough. I was never thin enough for my mother. I was never thin enough or pretty enough to be popular in school or with the boys. I feel like I am not good enough because of my body. Jack has never once called me fat or implied that I need to lose weight. He is VERY supportive of my weight loss when that is what I want. When it is not what I want, he is supportive of that as well.
What Can The Partner Do?
- Create a safe place for the jealous party to express themselves
- Just listen at first. Let them work though it on their own a little. Give them at least 10 minutes of JUST LISTENING quietly. Hold their hand, nod, acknowledge them, but don't speak
- Give reassurance (reasons why you love them aside from sexual things or whatever is causing the insecurity)
A Closing Note:
Give yourself permission to freak out. Communicate to your partner that freaking out does not mean they have to STOP what they are doing, but that talking needs to happen ASAP. Then go though the above exercise with your partner and by yourself related to whatever is causing the freaking out.
See? Was that not an awesome exercise?? The best way to go about it is actually have your partner ask you the questions verbally. Answer them out loud, write down your answers if you like. That can actually be helpful for looking back on when your sweetie is out on the town and you are at home freaking out. Re-read your answers (as I intend to) and they may provide some comfort in the situation.
None of the stuff I wrote up there is new to me. I knew all that stuff already, but I think getting it out in that format really clicked with me on a more profound level than just going over it in my head.
It also forces you to rationalize your feelings rather than just running around with that gross feeling in your stomach going "OHNOZ! OHNOZ! I'm Jealous! OHNOZ" like a psychotic animal.
I am at the point where I feel that next step it to tell Jack to go for it, and push through any emotional distress to get to the other side. Who knows how I will feel once it occurs. Perhaps the build up and anxiety will all be for not, and my imagination is so much worse than the reality. Perhaps there will be a tremendous fall out and I will discover that really, poly is not for me. The fact is I don't KNOW for sure. There is only one way to find out, take the plunge.
I am sure there will be more on this, possibly lots more in the very near future. I am just going to close my eyes, hold on tight, and roll with it.
*Rockne S. O’Bannon
Published by Shasta
June 28th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
I love it when all the pieces come together at the right time in the right way to ‘click’in some different way. Sounds like this exercise/video was just the ticket. I’m happy for you.
I thought it interesting that all the stuff you mentioned had to do with fears, which is what jealousy is. Jealousy really is a compliment to the other person. Cuz if you didn’t care you wouldn’t care. I think the part about telling the partner that it doesn’t mean you want them to change what they’re doing, just to hear you, is a key piece. At least for me.
Anywho…I like your blog…am new here and will enjoy the archives getting to know you!
Reply To The Above Comment
June 29th, 2007 at 12:27 am
Shasta, it was so brave of you to actually do the work, write out your answers and find out the truth behind the big scary J. You are an amazing woman!
May I have your permission to link to this entry from the jealousy entry as an example of how to do this for yourself?
Reply To The Above Comment
June 29th, 2007 at 1:11 am
Gillette,
Thank you for stopping by and commenting.
I agree with you that jealousy is basically a symptom of fear and insecurity. Mine is centered around being found not good enough, and it’s different for everyone.
It’s quite pleasing that you are enjoying my blog thus far. Coming from you, that’s a wonderful compliment!
Minx,
OMG, I feel like I am in the presence of greatness! I am so flattered that you stopped by and shared a thought! Ok, now that I’ve had my squeeling teenage groupie moment, HA HA.
Your show rocks, and you truly made this post possible. It was shaping up to be something else entirely, not nearly as positive, before I listened to your show. Thank you for your hard work and dedication.
Link away!
XOXO
Shasta
Reply To The Above Comment
June 29th, 2007 at 2:46 am
This is the first time I’m commenting even though I have been lurking in the shadows of your blog for months. This whole jealousy thing hits very close to home. I too am soooo insecure about myself on so many levels. Lately my husband has been interested in bondage and fisting but is reluctant to talk to me about it making me feel unworthy to share this with him. I think I’m going to read him this entry to make him realize how important he is to me and how much I want to share and understand his desires and needs.
Coming from a very traditional, closed off family makes it hard for me to let loose and release my inhibitions. Much as they are burning under the surface…
But that’s enough about me…I will be back commenting…I love your blog…
Reply To The Above Comment
June 29th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Jealousy is one of the most difficult problems associated with opening a stable relationship. I thought this exercise was very useful in helping you work out your feelings about it.
I readily admit that, despite our experiences outside our marriage, I still have problems watching Hardin with another woman–except when I am also into the woman, and I feel we are both equally involved in giving and receiving pleasure from her. I think that is a key ingredient for any successful menage a trois.
Reply To The Above Comment
June 29th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Shasta, my dear. You are an amazing woman. You say you worry about stinging comments… and then immediately share a difficult and wonderful jealousy exercize while you are doing it. It is so impressive – not only that you share it, but that you willing look at yourself to see how you can continue to grow as a lover, a woman, a partner and a human. Bravo, my dear.
Jealousy can be a tool to show you parts of yourself we humans normally hide from. Some folks ascribe to never feeling jealousy… I don’t agree. It is an emotion I welcome because it proves I’m alive and it gives me an opportunity to either identify and internal issue I need to address or an external issue that also needs addressing.
Good luck! And hey how awesome is it that Minx wants to link back… I love that show too!
Reply To The Above Comment
June 29th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Oh and I wanted to comment on cherrie menage a trois – the experience is different for me. I certainly enjoy when my lover and I are sharing another lover, but I’ve been in several menage a trois that were about him or about me… and it was still successfully erotic and enjoyable. I’ve been with him and another woman where the woman and I had little to no sexual contact, but it was amazingly hot and erotic, as well as he with me and another man where they had no contact (I’m bisexual, my lover is not).
Just sharing my experiences not suggesting I’m better…
Reply To The Above Comment
June 30th, 2007 at 2:46 am
OMG, Shasta!
Excellent! Eloquent and Evocative!
Your incredible introspection and unselfish revelations should be posted at all such sites as a guide or template for others who have such questions.
Very cool!
Mike
Reply To The Above Comment
June 30th, 2007 at 9:24 pm
Genie,
I can certainly feel for where you are at. I really hope that your husband understands where you are coming from. If something I wrote is helpful to you, it makes it so much more worth blogging. Thank you for the blog-love and the comment. You made me smile!
Cherrie,
Jack and I discussed that as well, having a threesome with another woman to sort of ‘break the ice’ for me. However, I’m not really that into women, and I am not sure it would be optimal circumstances for the ‘first time’ because of the drama potential.
Thanks for the comment cutie!
Mon-Mon,
You make me blush with your praise. I like and respect you a great deal and your always-positive comments make me so glad that I blog and that I’ve made such a wonderful friend like you via this medium.
I really do hope that I can get the the point where I see jealousy as a less negative thing. Although you are right, it certainly draws out your insecurities and that’s the first step to dealing with them.
Mike,
You’re such a smoothy
Thank you for stopping by to comment. Your wonderful encouraging words are very welcome here. I hope you’ll be back again!
XOXO
Shasta
Reply To The Above Comment