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Dear Shasta: How Do I Talk To My Girlfriend About Poly?

Dear Shasta

Hi Shasta!!

I was wondering if you could help me with something. I chose you because of knowing of your polygamous relationships, you’d be able to help.

I am not a polygamous type of guy, have always been a single girl relationship seeker (although x-somes would be fun :)

The reason I am emailing you is because I love my girlfriend, XXXXX. We’ve been going 26 months, and we’ve been through A LOT. There is this one girl though, her name is YYYY, and I swear to God, no matter what I do, I CANNOT get her out of my head. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen…EVER….and she’s single…

I have no idea what to do, and it’s been giving me heartaches, because I have no idea. This have been going on since about Jan-Feb of last year.

Thanks SG!!

Thanks for the e-mail :) First off, one correction: Polygamous means many spouses (usually associated with one man marrying more than one person). My relationship style is Polyamory, which means many loves. These relationships do not have to be really serious, but generally feelings on some level are involved. Just wanted to clear that up :)

Let me ask you if you think XXXXX would be open to the idea of sharing you? Do you think, given the right circumstances, that she could be ok with you loving someone in addition to her? Keep in mind that if she absolutely cannot consider polyamory for your relationship, you are either going to have to leave her to pursue another relationship, or completely give up on YYYY. Either way you need to make a choice, to do what makes you happy.

If you want to try polyamory with XXXXX the first thing you need to do is be completely honest with her about your thoughts and feelings regarding this other woman. Explain to her that while you love and adore her as much as ever, you are ALSO, at the same time, attracted to someone else. Be prepared, she is going to be seriously threatened and angry at first. It could potentially end your relationship.

Is that worth it to you? Is it that important to you to be able to pursue other relationships? You need to ask yourself some hard questions before you go forward with this.

Take Care!


Do you have a question for Dear Shasta? Questions can be submitted via , or posted in the comments section below. Submitted questions will be answered in upcoming Dear Shasta segments. Questions can be on any topic you wish.

2 Responses to “Dear Shasta: How Do I Talk To My Girlfriend About Poly?”

  1. Adam Says:

    Take Shasta’s warning to heart, SG. This is something that can kill your relationship with your girlfriend. Many women find just discussion of this topic threatening, even if there is nothing specific in mind. I’ve had this discussion, so I speak from experience.

    That doesn’t mean it can’t work, but the risk is significant. So think hard before opening that box.

    [Reply To The Above Comment]

  2. Anita Wagner Says:

    Yep, what Shasta said. I moderate an e-mail list for polyfolk with mono partners, and from discussions there I compiled and wrote up a document called “14 Steps to Opening a Monogamous Relationship.” You can download it from my website under “Downloadables” at

    [Reply To The Above Comment]


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