Stiletto Diaries

Stupid boys with their stupid boy penises!

I’ve been flipping back and forth between angst and contentment when it comes to Varick.  Basically it seems that I feel content when I talk to him, and then angsty when I talk to Deja.  I adore her, and she’s a good friend to me.  She only wants both he and I to be happy, but poly is a foreign concept to her, and sometimes her delivery when it comes to advice leaves much to be desired.  She and he are friends so I suppose I wonder if perhaps she knows things about him that she doesn’t tell me.  Today she told me to remember that he’s just starting to get out into the world and wants to ‘explore’ which I’m sure really means ‘play the field’.  I’m ok with that, really I am, I do not expect monogamy or any sort of serious commitment from him.  However, her quasi-negativity over the future of this relationship does feed into some of the not very nice things I occasionally tell myself.

I was talking to Padmeabout it today on the phone and I mentioned to her that if Deja was not part of the picture, and I was only going off the signals I’ve gotten from Varick, I would feel pretty good about how things are going.  I mean obviously, if I am inclined to invite him to my home, and to commit to spending more time with him, I must see something there.  Padme advised me that if Deja doesn’t want to be stuck in the middle should things go to hell, she should probably stay out of the middle now as it were.  I know that I am mostly to blame, since I generally initiate conversations with Deja about Varick, and so I’m going to stop doing that.  If she brings him up, I shall gently change the subject, or just tell her that I’m not inclined to discuss it.  I don’t want to alienate her, but at the same time, I have a hard time taking her with a grain of salt.

I wanted to see if perhaps she was hinting that I should just end it with him, so I let on that I was thinking of calling it all off.  She seemed upset by this idea and told me not to tell him that we had spoken of it and to go with the flow.  Well ‘go with the flow’ is simple enough advice, but it can be difficult when it comes to matters of the heart.  I’ve never been particularly skilled at sitting back and letting things take their course.  I’m a planner!  I need to be able to predict, at least vaguely, where things might be headed.  I don’t have a crystal ball, and I tend to cope well when plans change, but having absolutely no clue where I stand with someone?  Not something I can do.

That’s really what bothers me the most I guess, having no clue what his intentions are, or ideas about what he wants from me.  I mean I hadn’t exactly predicted that we’d end up hitting it off and then becoming sexually involved so quickly.  All I knew was that he wanted someone to practice on, and generally I’m up for a good beating, so I volunteered.  Now we’ve only been together a few times, but I can already predict very certainly that if I keep seeing him, I’m going to fall for him.  The seeds have already been planted.  If that’s going to be a problem for him, best to nip it in the bud now, before they have much of a chance to take root.

Perhaps he wasn’t expecting any of it either and that’s why he became so overwhelmed on the weekend, but I don’t know that for sure.  I felt like him feeling vulnerable with me was a good sign, but I don’t really know for sure.

What it comes down to is that I want to know where he feels this might be going, if anywhere.  If he just wants something super casual, I’ll have to decide if I can be ok with that too.  If he’s not sure at all, we can discuss that as well.  It’s really the NOT KNOWING that makes me batshit crazy.

Once his desires have been reveled, the next big question will be what do I want from him.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I’d like in a relationship, and I feel that over the months I’ve begun really compromising when it comes to what I’m looking for.  Out of frustration I think I’ve lowered my standards, and now I’m not certain how I feel about that.

When it comes right down to it, I would ideally love to meet someone who is interested in dating long term.  Barring that, I’d like to date someone who is open to the possibility of long term but who isn’t totally certain right off that they could do that in a poly arrangement.

Now I find myself wondering if I can settle for being ‘entertainment until something more suitable comes along’.  Do I want to be a friend with benefits?  I thought I did, but I don’t think it really makes me happy.  Of course, it really depends on the person.  With LD, we were close friends and lovers, and I know at one point I was certainly starting to slide into being in love with him.  It didn’t happen over night, and I suppose I never felt like I’d be replaced if he was seeing other people, because even if he got into a monogamous relationship, we would remain close.  I don’t even have a friendship with Varick to fall back on, and I don’t think that adds to the good feelings.

If Varick just wants a play thing and a fuck buddy, can I do that and be happy?  I’m not sure.  It’s a question I’ve begun to ponder.  Like I said, I don’t want a commitment, nor do I want monogamy, but I’d like to know that he at least has intentions of continuing to see me and is perhaps open to the idea of a romantic relationship should it develop.  Is that unreasonable?

I’m encouraged by the fact that other people more neutral and insightful than I have a good feeling about this situation.  Both Padme and Nia have commented that they think there is a lot of potential here for something awesome, and I know that they are right.  When I first became involved with one of my ex’s neither of us intended for it to become a meaningful relationship, but over the period of a couple of months, that’s exactly where we ended up.  It can certainly happen, and I feel like Varick enjoys romance and being spoiled and I love that sort of thing.  Honestly I feel like I am a really good girlfriend in many ways and that I have tons to offer men who might date me.

I have to repeat that again because I think it’s an important reminder when I feel this way: I am a really good girlfriend and I have tons to offer my partners.

Really I know that I just need to force myself to initiate a conversation with him about it when I see him next.  I’ve been mulling over how I will open up the discussion, since that’s really the most difficult part.  I think I’ll just let him know that I wasn’t prepared for things to go the way they have and that I’d like to know how he feels about where we are at and what he would like to see happen in the foreseeable future.  I’m going to make it perfectly clear that I do not want any sort of serious commitment, nor do I want monogamy from him, or any sort of fidelity for that matter.  I’d just like to know where we stand, so that I can decide for myself what to do next.

I wish we’d talked more before we jumped into this.  I should have asked him what he was hoping to get out of us playing, and if he is even open to the idea of dating someone who is poly and already married.  Hindsight is always 20/20 that way.

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After the interesting adventure that was Friday night, I was really looking forward to Saturday afternoon and spending some more time with Varick.

I arrived at Deja’s before he did, which gave her and I some time to talk. I filled her in on the incident with the police officer and she had a good giggle with me over it all. We also talked some about Varick and about the sex party at Goodhandy’s that night. She was a little nervous about going, which surprised me, but all in all she seemed open and excited about the idea.

When Varick arrived he came over and kissed me and then sat down beside me with his arm around me. He rested his head against my shoulder and I remarked that he must still be tired from the night before. Apparently he hadn’t slept well, and was feeling sluggish.

Deja ordered us out to fetch coffee for her, so off we went. When we got back from Tim Hortons, he and I plunked ourselves down on the couch together and cuddled up. We watched some TV while we drank our coffees, and talked a lot about the scene from last weekend. I’d also brought him two books on BDSM, since he likes to read, and I thought he’d find tons of useful information in SM 101 By Jay Wiseman, and Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns By Philip Miller and Molly Devon. Deja agreed that both were very highly recommended, and encouraged him to read both thoroughly.

He flipped through SM 101 and we read passages together, discussing some of the topics covered and commenting on a few things we’d like to try. He was especially glad to see a pre-scene negotiation section, as well as extensive checklists of BDSM related activities.

We sort of lost track of time while we had our noses stuck in the books, and then Deja suggested we figure out what to do for supper. After some discussion we settled on this pub within walking distance, and since it was a beautiful day, we strolled over there together, enjoying the sunshine. I got a chance to check out the way Varick walks, which believe it or not, is a peculiar thing I always notice about a man. How they carry themselves says a lot. Varick has a very confident walk, almost a strut really, but not in an arrogant way. It kind of reminded me of this guy I was seeing around the time that I met Jack. He had this walk that just made me want to follow him anywhere.

At one point the sidewalk was too narrow for us to all walk side by side, so Deja and I fell into step behind Varick, and after a few yards of following him she and I exchanged looks and she remarked that we must look like a pimp with his bitches, and I started laughing so hard because I was having the exact same though. We’re kind of ridiculous actually.

The food was pretty good at the pub, and we talked about upcoming play parties and some other kinky events on the horizon. Hopefully I’ll be attending my first play party later this month Looking forward to that.

Bellies full, we sauntered back to Deja’s place. Varick decided that all my cheekiness had certainly earned me a good whipping, so he sent me off to the dungeon to get ready. I stripped down, put on my cuffs, and waited for him by the St. Andrew’s Cross. He opted to blindfold me again, and then snapped my cuffs to the cross and ran his hands up my body. He started on the outsides of my thighs, slowly proceeded up over my hips, my sides, around to my breasts, and then up to my collar bones. He was pressed against my back and his chin was resting on my shoulder. I was already trembling with anticipation, and when he asked if I was ready to begin, I nodded enthusiastically.

He nibbled my ear and then stepped away. Warming up commenced with him giving me some spanks with his hands, and then he selected one of the soft floggers and started in on me. After he was satisfied that I was ready to move on, he began with one of the thuddier, suede implements. Even though the pain was not significant at that point, my brain started swimming, and I could feel my pussy tingling. He paused often to run his fingers over me, and pinch my nipples while simultaneously biting my shoulder. I could feel droplets of liquid begin running down the insides of my thighs, and when he touched my ass I pushed into his hand, begging him like a slut, to touch between my legs.

Alas he did not indulge me, and continued the flogging, checking in with me several times. “Harder” and “Green” were about all I could manage to croak out when he enquired as to how I was doing. I was lost in the moment, and then there were fingernails, leaving trails of fire in their wake. I started panting and quivering, the change of sensation was significant and woke me up enough from my trance that I realized it was Deja and not Varick. The fingernails finished their work on my back, and then withdrew. I stood, braced for whatever was coming. The pause seemed to drag on forever, and then there was a hiss and a crack and I felt my flesh welt and sting. I gasped and threw myself against the cross. Another pause, followed by a series of hisses and cracks and sharp pain and yelping. I knew it was Deja’s single-tail, which hadn’t been used on me before.

There were plenty of pauses during that stretch of the scene, and a number of times when the whip only got near enough for me to feel the ‘breeze’ it created, which made me twitch none the less.

My skin was glistening with sweat and I was trembling hard by the time he finished with the whip. His hands were on me again, and he grabbed a fist full of dreads and pulled my head back, kissing me hard on the mouth. My knees threatened to buckle under me. He let me go and started cooling down the scene. He made sure to stroke and nuzzle me a lot while using some of the very soft floggers on me. I reluctantly wandered back from that far off place, and when he covered me with a blanket and held me tight, I sighed contently and leaned against him.

Carefully he unsnapped the cuffs and gave me a moment to regroup. He made sure I couldn’t fall down, and offered me a bottle of water right away, which I accepted gratefully.

Once I had gathered my wits again, Deja came in and we talked a bit about the scene. She asked us if we wanted to see her violet wand, since she knew I was curious about it. Varick started cleaning the equipment while she got it out and hooked it all up.

It was an interesting sensation when the wand was passed over the skin. Kind of stingy, but also tingly, sort of like getting a tattoo, but less intense. She also had this attachment where she holds onto this rod and then when she touches you, you get a shock, like static, but stronger. That one was cool. She lured me into kissing her and I got quite the zap to the lips and nose, LOL. I was glad to try it, plus I get to cross something off the bucket list:

413. Have a Violet Wand used on me

I could tell that something was off with Varick. He seemed different while he cleaned up, and I was unsure what was wrong. Deja had some things to do in her office so he and I went downstairs. I sat on the couch, stretched out on it, and had him come and sit down, between my legs, which I wrapped around him, with his cheek on my chest. I asked him quietly what was wrong and he said he just felt weird, and kind of down. I thought it might be Top Drop* so I just stroked his hair and kissed his forehead.

I felt him shudder against me and when I looked down at his face I noticed that he was crying. I hugged him tight and just allowed him to get it out. I was so honored that he was allowing me to see this part of him. I really, really struggle with being so vulnerable and emotional in front of other people, so I know how hard it can be. I treated it as if he was sharing a special gift with me, and I didn’t push for an explanation. I just held him close to me, with my cheek against his hair.

When he seemed to relax he lifted his head and I gave him a little kiss. He apologised and I told him not to apologise, that it was perfectly ok. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he just felt really vulnerable, and like he’d let his guard down with me, and it scared him. I kind of wanted to say “Yeah, I do that to people all the time” but it wasn’t really necessary. I have a very disarming way about me, or so I am told by friends and family.

We cuddled some more, and he said that he didn’t feel like going out, but didn’t want to ruin it for Deja and I. About part way through that he was overwhelmed again and I told him not to worry about it. He made some remarks about how he’s usually always on the defensive with people and suddenly he just felt all exposed.

He said he wanted to step outside, get some air. I offered to go with him but he said he just needed to be by himself for a moment. He went off and I went up to tell Deja what was going on. She got all worried about him too and we debated back and forth about what might be going on.

“Maybe he’s falling for you and he’s all conflicted about it” she said with a grin. I was kind of thinking along the same lines, based on what he’d said about being all vulnerable with me.

She said I should go look for him after he’d been gone about 10 minutes. I decided that would probably be a good idea, just to make sure he was ok. I wandered around the paths behind Deja’s house, and eventually found him, on his way back. We stopped where we met each other and I gave him a hug and a kiss and asked him if he was ok. He said he felt better and he took my hand and we walked back to the house together.

We all sat down in the living room and Deja asked him about his feelings. He said that being with me the night before and then again that day had caused him to let down his walls, and he hadn’t really expected that. He said he hadn’t been vulnerable like that with anyone for a long time, and that what we do in regards to the BDSM is so intense that he was just overwhelmed by it.

Deja went to make him some tea and I whispered to him that really it’s not so bad being vulnerable. He choked up, and shook his head.

“What happened to you?” I asked gently, not wanting to prod too much. He said something about having been hurt badly in the past and that was all I needed to hear. He added that he hadn’t allowed himself to open up to anyone for a long time, and that it was difficult for him. Clearly he has some pretty significant emotional scars, and he’s been closed off and keeping to himself for a while.

He tried to insist that Deja and I go to Goodhandy’s without it, but she and I had already agreed that he wasn’t in any shape to go and if he wasn’t coming with us, we didn’t want to go either. He relented, once we made it clear that we would not be swayed. Deja suggested that we watch a couple of movies instead, and of course he picked I Am Legend, which he knew would scare me because I am a huge wuss when it comes to anything ’scary’ LOL. He offered to let me hold onto him if I was scared, LOL, what a gentleman

We settled in to watch. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought and I only had to close my eyes a few times. He and I were cuddled up together on the couch, Deja was sitting near me on the other couch and she made a point of grabbing me and shrieking during a particularly tense part, which almost resulted in me jumping off the couch. Cruel woman.

No spoilers here, so no worries. I liked the movie overall, although I don’t think I’ll sleep again, ever.

Next we put in The Notorious Bettie Page, which I’ve seen before. I liked watching it again, because it’s an awesome movie! Varick and Deja hadn’t seen it before and they seemed to really enjoy it as well.

After that movie was over Deja put on the TV and Varick and I switched positions so that he was stretched out on his side and I was stretched out beside him, nuzzled into his chest. I dozed off a few times and he teased me about snoring. Deja invited me to stay the night but I didn’t think Jack would go for it so I declined (only to find out yesterday that he would have been fine with it, damn!) and got ready to head home.

Varick and Deja saw me off at the door. Varick kissed me softly and we hugged, and I hugged and kissed Deja, and off I trotted to my van. The drive home was long, but I made it and crawled into bed with Jack somewhere around 4am.

Yesterday I talked to Deja about what had happened with Varick and she’s pretty confident that he likes me a great deal and he’s kind of freaked out about it. She told me at least a dozen times to ‘go slow’ with him and that she thinks if I go about it the right way, I can help him get past his baggage. She doesn’t want to see either if us get crushed, nor does she want to end up in the middle if things go to hell. I promised her I just want to care for him and that I’m going to be gentle with his feelings and not rush anything.

I’ll admit I was angsty over it all. I was worried that he would pull away or maybe not want to see me again because he’s afraid of what’s happening. He called me later in the day to check in and see how I was doing. He still doesnt know (or doesn’t want to talk about) what was going on with him specifically, but I didn’t press the matter since I know he needs time to figure himself out.

We talked about getting together and I mentioned Jack being away for work on Thursday and Friday this week, and perhaps he’d want to come over after the munchkins were in bed to keep me company. I lured him into saying yes with promises of a hot bath in the jacuzzi, and a massage afterwards. There was also mention of the Tantra chair, and the sex swing. Yum. Jack was pleased that I would have company in his absence, since he knows I get lonely when he is away.

Hopefully he’ll get more comfortable talking about his feelings and I can find out exactly what’s caused him so much distress. So, rather than dreading Jack being gone, I’m actually looking forward to it a little.

*TOP DROP: Colloquial A sudden, abrupt feeling of depression, unhappiness, or similar negative emotion in a dominant which may occasionally occur immediately after a period of BDSM activity. May include feelings of guilt, especially if the dominant believes he or she has made an error, or has traditional ideas about relationship or socially appropriate behavior.

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The thoughts have begun creeping in already.  Perhaps the nature of our interaction set them off prematurely.  I wasn’t prepared for them to be making an entrance already, and I’ll admit I’m caught off guard.

Is Varick relationship material?  Does he see me as relationship material?  Do I really want to go another round with someone so young and inexperienced?  Please Gods, don’t let this one come to bad ends…

Yes, I know it’s waaaaaaaaay too freakin early to be contemplating these questions.  I can’t help that they have snuck into my brain, set up shop, and refuse to be evicted.

Trusting someone enough to let them restrain me and then torture me (for mutual enjoyment mind you) took a lot of self-convincing on my part.  The time we spent playing, and then afterwards, creates a bond that I can’t quite explain.  It’s difficult to lay yourself open to someone, with so much faith in their ability to make sure you aren’t damaged, and not forge some level of intimacy with them.  Perhaps it’s impossible for me, I don’t have much experience with such things, and I’ve never played with anyone on that level, other than Jack.  I wasn’t prepared for how it made me feel.

The best way I can describe BDSM, the way that I relate to it, is opening yourself completely, with utter vulnerability, and allowing the other person to reach inside and touch your soul.  You will never be more vulnerable in your adult life, than you are when you find yourself naked and tied to a heavy cross, with nothing to protect you but your faith in the person standing behind you holding the whip.

Personally, I can’t seem to separate the intimacy of BDSM from the mechanics of it.  I’ve found that in many ways, playing in that way is even more intimate and soul-gripping than ‘regular’ sexual relations.  I don’t need to trust or even like someone in order to fuck them.  Not so when it comes to the complicated dance of Domination and submission.  I am choosy about who I allow to restrain me in particular, since I’m not the type who easily enjoys feeling helpless or unable to control a situation.  When Varick paused with me, at the cross, before he clipped my cuffs to it, and asked me for sure if I was ready…I can’t really explain how it made me feel, other than totally amazing.

I suspect that being in that sort of a situation with him, and all that it entailed, made it difficult to retain a reasonable hold on my emotions.  I don’t want him to regard me as a play thing, but at the same time, I entered this situation under those conditions.  Is it reasonable to want to change the rules already?  Probably not.  I’m not planning to sit him down for some big heavy discussion next time we see each other, but I also think it unwise to let it go for too long, because if I can’t manage to keep it casual, and that’s all he wants, I should probably send him on his way sooner than later.

Being a little raw and gun shy from all the recent false starts and frustration over lack of relationship potential, I know I’m getting way too over analytical about this, which is why I am discussing it here, rather than rushing headlong into a discussion about it with him.

I suppose I’m also unsure about pursuing him.  I don’t mean seducing him or manipulating him into liking me, but I’m not above turning on the charm as it were.  Part of me feels guilty for wanting to do that though, because I know he’s not very experienced and he’s only had one serious girlfriend by the sounds of it, so I could scar him for life just by encouraging him to get involved with me.  Ok that’s probably silly.

What do we have in common outside of BDSM?  Is there anything to build a foundation on?  Hard to say at this point, since we haven’t spent a lot of time together.  He likes to read, and I plan to lend him some books, which I hope he will enjoy as much as I did.  He’s shy at first, yet he certainly has a sort of easy-going confidence.  I’ve asked him out for drinks sometimes, since I’d like to hang out with him socially.  He seemed receptive to that, which I think is a good sign.  Time will tell if we have enough similar interests I suppose.

Fuck!  I hate being such a girl when it comes to boys.  It messes with my usual air of detached indifference.

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It often happens when people move, that they find themselves gradually unpacking for perhaps years after they initially get settled in.  Yes, we’re still at it.

Today I decided to crack open one box that I haven’t looked inside since I was a girl.  It collected dust at my mum’s place after I left home, and then for a couple years in our last basement, and finally today I opened it and looked inside.

The box contained a lot of trinkets and ornaments that I’d collected as a child, some of them more than 20 years old (which is a long time when you’re only 25).  I held each one for a moment before sorting it into a pile of ‘give away’ or ‘keep’.  I let go of many of them, reminding myself that getting rid of an object does not mean getting rid of the memories.

In a small tin box, amongst rocks and some notes from junior high school, I found a shard of broken glass.  Unextraordinary to most, but it elicited a strong emotional response from somewhere deep inside of me.  As I turned it over in my fingers I went back to a very painful time of my life, when cutting myself seemed to be the only outlet I had.  I recalled drawing this particular piece of broken glass over my skin, watching a line of blood well up in it’s wake, and the strange sense of relief that would wash over me.  Cutting was hard to let go of.  Even now, as completely absurd as this sounds, I remember how good it felt.  It took everything I had in me, for years after I put that piece of glass away in that box, not to mutilate myself again.

A picture of myself and my father, taken when I was 12 or 13 years old, forced me to stop and reflect for quite a long while.  It’s a photo from a time when he and I were still close, although that chapter was drawing to a close and in the years that followed, our relationship would become strained and distant, and then as of 4 years ago, completely non-existent.  For a moment I wanted nothing more in the world than to go back to those times, when he was my dad, and not a stranger.  I rarely ever feel any emotions towards or about that man anymore, but that photo made me wish I could talk to the girl I was then, to tell her to really appreciate the time she had left with him, because the days were numbered.

There was a considerable pause while I tried to decide if I should throw it away or keep it.  As much as I don’t miss him (as the person he is now, I miss the dad he was then) I couldn’t bring myself to throw it out.  I don’t hold out any hope that he and I will ever speak again, since I was the one who chose to burn that bridge at the bitter end, however a part of me still needs a reminder that he wasn’t always the miserable and toxic man he is now.  I don’t know that I’ll keep it forever, but it’s put aside for now.

Purging through old things is a difficult process, however, once it’s over, or I’ve managed to clean out yet another carton of memories, I always feel cleansed, and my soul feels lighter.  I often relate emotional ‘baggage’ to having a mental closet full of boxes, which you must open and face and then keep or discard.  Sometimes the physical boxes force you to drag out one of those boxes in your head and look inside it.  Often the memories held inside are happy and filled with joy, but I still have the odd one filled with angst and sadness.

Here’s to boxes, and cleaning out our closets, and taking a moment to remind and congratulate ourselves on how far we’ve made it.

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During a late-night conversation, Nelek and I came to something of a crossroads in our ‘relationship’.  Long after we had said goodnight I lay awake, pondering the direction I’ve been going in terms of polyamory and dating.

“You have feelings for me” he stated, without any uncertainty at all.

“What makes you say that?” I inquired, honestly unsure of how to respond, since it had sort of come out of nowhere

“I can tell, by how you are with me, the way you act when we are together”

Geeze, call me Miss Obvious.  I need to work a little better on those emotional cloaking devices.

The conversation went on and we established that while he certainly enjoyed my company, he’s only interested in something very casual.  I assured him that I am indeed fine with that, and that having feelings for him does not necessarily mean that I was looking for anything more than what we have.  In fact trying for anything more, even if we both wanted that, would be an exercise in futility.  As much as I like him, he’s too young and inexperienced, and I’m too jaded and impatient.  Those are only a couple of the reasons that dating him would result in a bitter break up.

I can’t control that fact that I care for him.  I tend to easily care about people, even if I am not intimate with them, so it only makes sense that perhaps those emotions would be somewhat magnified in a sexual relationship.  It’s also worth pointing out that the current attachment is really just a whole lot of NRE/infatuation and not based on the kind of affection that is developed slowly, over time.

Is it pointless for me to continue seeking casual relationships when I know that at least half the time I am probably going to develop feelings for the object of my lust?  Perhaps it would be in my better interest to only seek persons who are interested in dating more seriously from the beginning, rather than trying to change the rules part way?

Lack of time for secondary relationships was the main reason that I began shying away from them to begin with.  I felt I was spreading myself too thin as it was, and that it was best to only date casually, avoiding any unrealistic expectations of commitment.

That was a different time however, and now I am back at the point where I am confident I could take on a secondary and be able to give them adequate time and attention without overwhelming myself.  That doesn’t mean that I’m not also open to casual dating, I think I’m just beginning to miss having someone to spend time with regularly.

At the same time, I’ve begun to wonder if I’m just being selfish?  I mean, I already have a wonderful husband, great friends, everything else I could ever really need.  Maybe I don’t have any right to want more than that?  Maybe I’m just being…greedy.

See You Again by Miley Cyrus

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I’m certain my cryptic post late last night has caused some confusion, and certainly inspired some concerned messages and e-mails today.

Please know that I am ok, although angry, and feeling a little foolish.

K and I had a falling out.  The last one we will ever have I am sure, since I’ve decided that giving him any more chances would only result in more of the same.

I was going to get into it all here, but I’ve decided not to bother.  He doesn’t deserve even 5 more seconds of my time or energy.

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First of all, thank you so much for all of the awesome comments you left me yesterday.  I really enjoyed the feedback on the new site, and I’m very pleased that everyone seems to approve!  I’ve got gift packs on the go, and if I haven’t gotten your address yet, please e-mail it to me!

As excited as I am over the new digs and all of you lovely commenters, I felt ‘off’ all day, for no particular reason.  First I thought maybe it was because I haven’t done anything I would call useful today.  Frequently I get a little stressed out when I feel that I haven’t been productive over the course of the day.  I also worry that the things that I have done will not be the things that Jack wanted me to do, and that he will be disappointed with me.

Here’s a run down of my day and then I can examine it and decide if I’ve been productive or a slug:

7:00am - Got up, got dressed, got 2 kids dressed, fed them breakfast, made lunch for one child, made coffee, answered e-mails

8:30am - Take one child to school.  Pick up Nia and take her to gym.  Take small child with me to volunteer obligation for 9am-Noon

12:15pm - Tin Horton’s Drive-Thru for coffee

12:30pm - 1:30pm - Home Depot for pipe snake to unclog second floor toilet (I have no idea what got flushed down there) and house plant paraphaneila

1:30pm - 2:30pm - Garden Center for other house plant paraphaneila and hanging planters for plants who have outgrown current pots

2:45pm - Drop Nia off at home and head to school

3:00pm - Fetch older child from school

3:15pm - Stop at Dollar Store for bubble envelopes (for gift packs) and other paper goods

3:45pm - Get home, make snack for kids, check phone messages, call repair man back who I had forgotten was coming earlier that day, arrange new appointment time, check e-mail, address envelopes.

4:30pm - Repair man arrives, damage is worse than initially thought.  While he from the basement out to his truck and back 500 times I started re-potting what seemed like a million house plants.

6:00pm - Feed children, clean up massive dirt mess on the deck, talk to Jack on the phone and beg him to have mercy on me and bring home pizza.

6:15pm - Realize that period is due tonight/tomorrow and sigh with relief that I’m not actually going crazy, it’s just my hormones.

Now - Sit on couch and stare at Jack forlornly, asking him how he can possibly love me, since he would have been better off marrying a sloth, who likely would have proven more useful.

I guess it does seem like I did something, it’s just not important things (in my humble opinion) even though all of it did need doing sooner or later.

I really hate using my period to justify moodiness or bad behaviour.  Generally I make my very best effort to remind myself that I am not a slave to my emotions.  Today is just one of those days I suppose, and perhaps I need to cut myself some slack.

Padme suggested I treat myself to a hot bath tonight, maybe with a little wine and a bath bomb.  That sounds REALLY good right about now.  Maybe I can lure Jack into joining me.

I’m looking forward to the weekend and spending some time unwinding.

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