A Little Slab Of Guilt?
Posted on May 30th, 2008 in Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory, Tie Me Up
The thoughts have begun creeping in already. Perhaps the nature of our interaction set them off prematurely. I wasn’t prepared for them to be making an entrance already, and I’ll admit I’m caught off guard.
Is Varick relationship material? Does he see me as relationship material? Do I really want to go another round with someone so young and inexperienced? Please Gods, don’t let this one come to bad ends…
Yes, I know it’s waaaaaaaaay too freakin early to be contemplating these questions. I can’t help that they have snuck into my brain, set up shop, and refuse to be evicted.
Trusting someone enough to let them restrain me and then torture me (for mutual enjoyment mind you) took a lot of self-convincing on my part. The time we spent playing, and then afterwards, creates a bond that I can’t quite explain. It’s difficult to lay yourself open to someone, with so much faith in their ability to make sure you aren’t damaged, and not forge some level of intimacy with them. Perhaps it’s impossible for me, I don’t have much experience with such things, and I’ve never played with anyone on that level, other than Jack. I wasn’t prepared for how it made me feel.
The best way I can describe BDSM, the way that I relate to it, is opening yourself completely, with utter vulnerability, and allowing the other person to reach inside and touch your soul. You will never be more vulnerable in your adult life, than you are when you find yourself naked and tied to a heavy cross, with nothing to protect you but your faith in the person standing behind you holding the whip.
Personally, I can’t seem to separate the intimacy of BDSM from the mechanics of it. I’ve found that in many ways, playing in that way is even more intimate and soul-gripping than ‘regular’ sexual relations. I don’t need to trust or even like someone in order to fuck them. Not so when it comes to the complicated dance of Domination and submission. I am choosy about who I allow to restrain me in particular, since I’m not the type who easily enjoys feeling helpless or unable to control a situation. When Varick paused with me, at the cross, before he clipped my cuffs to it, and asked me for sure if I was ready…I can’t really explain how it made me feel, other than totally amazing.
I suspect that being in that sort of a situation with him, and all that it entailed, made it difficult to retain a reasonable hold on my emotions. I don’t want him to regard me as a play thing, but at the same time, I entered this situation under those conditions. Is it reasonable to want to change the rules already? Probably not. I’m not planning to sit him down for some big heavy discussion next time we see each other, but I also think it unwise to let it go for too long, because if I can’t manage to keep it casual, and that’s all he wants, I should probably send him on his way sooner than later.
Being a little raw and gun shy from all the recent false starts and frustration over lack of relationship potential, I know I’m getting way too over analytical about this, which is why I am discussing it here, rather than rushing headlong into a discussion about it with him.
I suppose I’m also unsure about pursuing him. I don’t mean seducing him or manipulating him into liking me, but I’m not above turning on the charm as it were. Part of me feels guilty for wanting to do that though, because I know he’s not very experienced and he’s only had one serious girlfriend by the sounds of it, so I could scar him for life just by encouraging him to get involved with me. Ok that’s probably silly.
What do we have in common outside of BDSM? Is there anything to build a foundation on? Hard to say at this point, since we haven’t spent a lot of time together. He likes to read, and I plan to lend him some books, which I hope he will enjoy as much as I did. He’s shy at first, yet he certainly has a sort of easy-going confidence. I’ve asked him out for drinks sometimes, since I’d like to hang out with him socially. He seemed receptive to that, which I think is a good sign. Time will tell if we have enough similar interests I suppose.
Fuck! I hate being such a girl when it comes to boys. It messes with my usual air of detached indifference.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Hi Shasta,
I can’t wait!
I understand so much about your feelings about the bdsm and poly. I know many people didn’t seem to understand the complex relationship I had with Master R but we played on such a heavy level and required so much trust to play like that. BDSM is very complex and can bond you in a way that you sometimes don’t expect. Breaking up with R was one of the most complex breakups of my life. I admit that I am very picky now about who I play with now.
I know that when I first get to know anyone I am already having thoughts of “will this work out” or “do we have other interests other than bdsm” because I need to know there is a friendship as well as a play relationship.
Make sure to communicate lots with Varick. It can really help with how you are feeling and it’s important for any bdsm relationship to make sure to communicate with who they are playing with.
The trip is SOOOOOO close now!! I even had a dream about it last night.
XOXO
padme amidala
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Shasta
reply on May 30th, 2008 1:08 pm:
Thank you so much for the thoughtful comment Padme. You’re certainly correct about the complexity of it all.
Communication is so important as you said, I guess I just feel really anxious about being TOO communicative at the beginning, but at the end of the day, it sets a better tone for the future if you start with the open talking right from the beginning.
I keep counting down on the calendar to when you arrive! I’m really looking forward to you coming out here
XOXO
Shasta
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May 30th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
awwww it’s ok, well I can’t talk about the BDSM or the poly since I’ve never personally experinced either or, but as a female I totally understand why you feel the way you feel. Women who have a heart generally tend to get attatched the moment anyone explores with our bodies. Our bodies are temple and so private and we don’t just let anyone take a tour. So obviously you saw something special in him, and he made you feel so good why wouldn’t you want it to contiune. But men and men so you never know…., I think that at least he wants a friendship with you… which is good all in all, but can you ever really be friends if you guys have already played together ?? I couldn’t.
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May 30th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
my regrets in my relationship with my on-again, off-again BDSM partner stem from the fact that i tried to play it cool, pretending i wasn’t feeling the things i felt because i didn’t want to overwhelm him. Ironically enough, that meant that, instead of bringing issues up when i was calm and could speak clearly, i ended up waiting until the situation was unbearable and saddling him with a lot of drama.
It’s not easy to find a happy balance between feeling like you’re pushing him and holding back by ignoring your own needs. It’s easy to SAY that a guy who’s good for you will understand, but harder to live in the real world where inexperienced guys aren’t always that generous.
my only thoughts are that i most regret my actions when i’m not true to myself. He may be with you for years, but you’ll be with you forever. (How’s that for cheesy?)
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May 31st, 2008 at 10:54 am
Vulnerability and trust beget affection and caring. It’s like a law of nature or something. Just be honest about it all and don’t get too wrapped up in what could be – enjoy the ride for what it is. Good luck!
Red
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May 31st, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I have absolutely no advice for you. But I just wanted to say something so I could see my cool “curtain rod” icon.
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