Raw Foods - Day Nine
Posted on February 9th, 2009 in Budge That Pudge, Emotional Angst
I’m having a difficult time today.
I feel resentful and deprived. I wish that I’d not committed to going quite so raw. I wish that I’d built in an allowance for even one cup of coffee a day. If not the coffee, then maybe one cooked thing a week.
Why don’t I just go ahead and change the rules, you might wonder? It is MY thing after all. There aren’t any rules that I’ve not created on my own. No strict guidelines that must be adhered to.
Something in me just won’t let me go changing my plan now. I feel like if I do that, I’ll be a failure at this.
V seems to be adapting with ease, which makes me glad for her. It also makes me feel that I’m weak, or that there is something wrong with me. I feel like I should be able to breeze through this. It’s only a month, after all. How hard should it really be?
Jack has mentioned that I seem less happy. V has made the same observation. I know that it’s true. Part of it can be chalked up to the flu, which has now transformed into a sinus infection. Still, I know that I’m touchier than normal. Less inclined to laugh. Moodier. Not my usual self by any stretch.
One one hand, I think I need to cut myself some slack. I don’t want anyone to think that going raw overnight is supposed to be simple, or comfortable. I never thought that this would be a walk in the park. On the other hand, I don’t think that it’s healthy to become so miserable over a state of perceived ‘depravation’.
As Jack points out, I can quit any time that I want to. Except that I can’t, because I’m too stubborn. I can’t even give myself permission to have a cup of tea, because although most raw foodists still drink tea, or even coffee, I’ve decided to set a standard for myself that I now resent.
I don’t want to change the rules part way, just to make myself more comfortable. It’s like I’m trying to punish myself. It would seem that I feel this entire month should be a process of suffering, and that I shouldn’t make any exceptions to make it all a little more bearable. WTF?
I really don’t want to go through the next three weeks by gritting my teeth and forcing myself to endure it. I either need to find a way to embrace this raw foods thing, or I need to allow myself to make a few adjustments for my own mental health.