Stiletto Diaries

In my rush to get my entry about Forbidden written and posted, I forgot to talk about a few interesting aspects of the weekend that I particularly enjoyed.

The first was the nudity.  I have had serious body issues for years, and I am none too keen on taking my clothes off in front of people in private, never mind a couple of dozen strangers.

However, at Forbidden, it was amazing.  I’ve never felt so free to just be myself, without any concern over being judged.  On Saturday night when I stood outside under the moon, completely naked, and not caring at all if anyone saw, it was the most incredible feeling.  It was the first time in a great while that I’ve been at peace with my physical self, and I felt…beautiful.

It’s a fascinating experience, being amongst people who are being utterly and completely themselves.  No social masks to keep up with.  If you wanted to prance around nude, leading your heavily restrained and blindfolded partner up and down the road, you could do so.  If you wanted to be fucked up the ass over a picnic table in broad daylight, you could do that too.  The energy surrounding the whole place was somewhat magical in that a feeling of camaraderie and acceptance abounded.

Leaving was depressing, despite what happened between Varick and I.  It was difficult to go from the freedom and excitement of that far off place, back to the ‘real’ world with all it’s social taboos and judgements.  I came home wearing only a tank top and a tiny skirt.  When I parked in my driveway it occurred to me that I’d better get in the house and into something more decent before one of the neighbours saw me, and I was instantly saddened.  How unfortunate it is that we can’t embrace ourselves and each other for who we are.

Granted I wouldn’t want to possibly scar any neighbourhood children with my practically bare and heavily bruised rear end, but I’d like to think that if someone saw me darting into the house dressed in so little, they wouldn’t recoil in horror.

Being at camp was so special, if only for the reasons listed above.  It was like a little bubble where we could hide away from the rest of the world, let our guards down and just have a wonderful time with each other.

I will return to camp, hopefully at least once a year, so that for a few days I can remind myself that there ARE people in the world who don’t sneer at the odd stretch mark.  People who find both bodies and souls lovely and unique, regardless of the shape, size, or color.  They put their money where their mouths are and honour whatever pieces of yourself that you care to share like you are giving them a special gift. 

I miss it already.

Sphere: Related Content

I really, really want to write about my weekend at Forbidden, but it feels like my thoughts are scattered and disjointed.  The entire experience was so surreal…so intense, on so many levels.  It was pleasure and pain and wonder and distress, all wrapped up into a scant 41 hours.

Before I begin, let me say to Red, that you were right.  I was a stupid, stupid girl for not ending it immediately on Tuesday night when I had the opportunity.

A lot of things that happened at the camp will stay private, because there is a certain understanding that what happens in the kinky circles, stays in the kinky circles.

I will tell you, however, that Varick and I did not get along well during the time we were there.  Sadly, I think that we had already decided that we’d had enough of each other, but for some ridiculous reason decided to suffer through the weekend pretending to be together.  It made things uncomfortable for both of us, and aside from a brief 45 minutes of play, we didn’t connect at all.

Friday evening, after setting up and making the rounds to say hello, I retired to bed early while he sat around a fire elsewhere.  At around 2:00am he crawled into bed and I let him cuddle against me to warm up.  I asked him how he wanted his eggs in the morning, and then we fell asleep.

I tend to be a naturally early riser (and I’m also a serious night owl, which is confusing, LOL) so I woke up around 7:30 Saturday morning.  I slithered out of bed and pulled on a bit of clothing and slipped out into the morning sun to use the bathroom and make some coffee.  There were people walking around in the nude already and even though I was barely wearing anything I chuckled to myself about feeling ‘over dressed’.

With Old Crow Medicine Show playing on the little speakers I bought for my iPod, I put water on for coffee and started rounding up breakfast.  It was a gorgeous morning, and I LOVE cooking outside while camping.  It’s one of my favorite things about being out in the woods.

Varick surfaced, wearing only his jeans and runners.  He went to the bathroom and then returned, at which point I told him to go back to bed and that I would call him when breakfast was ready.  He remarked on the music I was playing (apparently he is not a fan) and I replied that if he was the one up first, cooking breakfast, then he could pick the music.

He went back inside the tent and I finished the eggs and sausage and poured him a glass of orange juice.  I wanted the day to go well, so I took him breakfast in bed (a pleasure he’d never received before).  He was at least polite and thanked me for cooking.  We ate and then he got dressed while I cleaned up.

After wandering around and saying hello to people we knew, we ended up at Deja’s camp site for a good part of the morning.  I could tell that something was off with Varick.  While I was making my best effort to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible, he acted as though he didn’t want to be within ten feet of me.  I don’t think that anyone picked up on it, aside from me, but it was hurtful and irritating.

There was a Booze Cruise happening early in the afternoon, hosted by a bunch of the seasonal campers.  Basically anyone who wanted to participate followed the host, who led us from site to site, and at each there was free drinks and food.  I hadn’t planned to drink, since I hoped to play and generally the two don’t mix well.  However, I didn’t see much action in my near future, so I went with Deja and we hit a few of the stops.  It had been a while since breakfast and I drank six shots at one stop (no one wanted theirs because it was WAY strong) so I was feeling lightheaded almost immediately.

I had a great time on the Booze Cruise, and made some new friends along the way.  At some point I had to cut myself off however, before I was totally wasted and therefore useless for the rest of the evening.

Varick and I headed back to our site around supper time to make something to eat.  We ate and then I went into the tent for something (I can’t recall exactly what it was) and he followed me.  Perhaps he was making an effort to dispel the weirdness between us, but we played for a while, unexpectedly really.  It was certainly the most intense scene we’d ever had, in terms of both his choice of implements and how hard he used them on me.

He caned me and paddled me and used the crop and that horrid wheel.  I still have an impressive collection of bruises and cane stripes across my ass and thighs, and I don’t bruise easily.  I wanted him to hit me harder, but he’s still too nervous about hurting the person he is beating on.

When he was finished he wrapped me up in a blanket and held me for a while.  It was certainly the most intimate moment of the weekend, but I could tell that he was still very distant.  Really, it didn’t matter much, I got what I wanted for the most part.

There was drumming at Deja’s camp as the sun went down.  I had thought of bringing my drum and then opted not to, and man was I kicking myself.  On the bright side, there were a couple of massage tables set up, and the submissives were taking turns being drummed on.

I got my turn, although I felt uncomfortable at the idea of getting completely naked in front of no less than 30 people.  Despite my reservations, I stepped out of my comfort zone, slipped out of my tiny skirt and tank top and layed down on my front on the table.

Three people used canes to drum on the length of my body.  My ass was still very sore from the earlier beating, a fact that a particular Dom friend of mine used to his advantage, making me yelp several times with particularly enthusiastic drumming.  It was an amazing experience, being nude in the firelight while people pounded out music on an assortment of instruments, including my skin.

When they were done with me I got dressed and sat down beside Varick again.  He seemed tired, so I suggested he head to bed, which he did, even though it was only 10:00pm.

Some time later I found myself naked on the table again, this time on my back.  Deja and that nice Dom were pouring hot wax onto my flesh while I moaned and wriggled.  There was wax from my neck to my toes and everywhere in between.  The heat wasn’t enough to burn, but it felt like liquid fire when they dripped generous amounts over my breasts and pussy.

278. Have hot wax poured on my naked body

Once I was sufficiently covered, the Dom picked up his long dagger and proceeded to drag the tip over my skin.  I shuddered and did my best to keep still while the blade slipped over my flesh, scrapping the wax away from my body.

When he slipped it between my legs and up between my pussy lips I was panting so hard I thought I might hyperventilate.  Then he rested the tip on my clit and wiggled it, and I wanted to turn myself inside out.  He nearly made me cum with his knife, which in itself was incredible.

291. Experience knife play

When it was done, Deja covered me with a blanket, and I layed there looking up at the stars through the leaves of the trees.  The fire crackled behind me while I processed what had just occurred.  All that was missing was someone to take me in their arms while my head swam with endorphins.  I missed Jack intensely in that moment.  I wished with all my being that I had gone to Forbidden with anyone but Varick.

Only when I was certain I could stand on my own did I sit up and slip off the table, still wrapped in Varick’s blanket (which he’d left with me before going to bed).  I sat down by the fire, naked and covered in bits of wax and baby oil (they put that on first to make it easier for the wax to be removed after) and listened to the conversation around me.  I felt…peaceful, but alone.  It was strange, but a good experience overall.

Later I went back to my tent and stood in the moonlight completely nude.  I rinsed myself off as well as I could, and then went inside to put on some warmer clothing.  Varick woke some and asked me how I was doing.  I replied that I was good while I slipped into my jeans and a hoodie.  I told him to go back to sleep while I zipped the door closed behind me.

Deja suggested we got for a quick swim before they closed the pool.  I hadn’t brought a suit, but everyone was going naked anyway, so we stripped off and took a quick dip.  We didn’t linger too long, since it was nearly 1:00am and the water was rapidly cooling off.

66. Skinny dip in the dark

I dried myself off and bid Deja a good night before going to bed myself.  There was no cuddling that night, Varick stayed on his side of the bed and I stayed on mine.

When I woke the next day the first order of business was coffee, and the second was writing Varick a letter about how I felt.  I wasn’t sure that I would give it to him, but I needed to do something to get it all out.  I tucked it away before he got out of bed, glad to have at least organized my thoughts somewhat.

We ate a light breakfast and then did a little visiting.  I felt hungover, although I had been sober long before I went to bed.  I think it was exhaustion from all the play the day before, and I was emotionally raw and overwhelmed.

He helped me pack everything up and we left an hour earlier than planned because I just wanted to get home and be with Jack.

During the first half of the ride it was uncomfortably quiet.  Finally I couldn’t stand it and just asked him point blank if he still wanted to be together.  He admitted that he didn’t, and that he couldn’t meet my relationship requirements.  I said that it was better this way, and that clearly we were not right for each other.  I wished out loud that he had said something before the weekend, to which he replied that he ‘just wanted us to have a nice weekend together’.

“Well, it WASN’T” I stated flatly.  I felt like telling him that I could think of at least half a dozen people offhand that I would have rather spent the time with, but it’s just as much my fault for not writing him off last week when I had the chance.

“I hope things aren’t awkward” he mentioned “since we will probably see a lot of each other”.

“We’re adults Varick, I am sure we can handle it” I replied.  It’s somewhat unfortunate that we have so many mutual friends in the community, but as I said, we can handle it.  Or at least I can, we shall see about him.

I dropped him off at his place and we hugged uncomfortably before saying goodbye.  I drove towards home, and I cried bitterly because even though I shouldn’t feel replaced, I do.  I also felt rejected, even though I had initiated the sequence of events on Tuesday.  I was angry that I had spent even ONE moment of the weekend feeling awkward over him.

Jack and V and the kids were out, and I didn’t want to be alone just then, so I went to Nia’s.  She hugged me and listened while I explained what had happened.  We talked about communication and how irritating it is when other people don’t seem to get it.  I had wanted to give him the opportunity to prove that he wanted what I wanted, and instead he made up his mind that it was over and then drug it out through our time together.

When I got home I packed some things inside, put away groceries, cleaned the cooler, and then had a long shower.  Jack and V and the kids arrived shortly after I finished, and we had supper together before putting kids to bed and then renting Shortbus.  If you haven’t seen it, and you are into sexually explicit drama/comedies, it’s worth seeing.  I really enjoyed it.

Eventually it was just Jack and I in bed together.  I cried some more, and then we fucked.  It was rough and hard and exactly what I needed.  When I eventually orgasmed, with his hand cupped firmly over my pussy, I wept again from the intensity of it.  I don’t think I’ve ever cum that hard.

Afterwards Jack and I cuddled and I thanked every diety I know for what I have with him.  I often question why I struggle through these extra relationships when I don’t have to.  Why do I subject myself to the upset and the potential for pain when I could stay home and be with someone who will love me forever?

I am addicted to the good parts I suppose.  The payoff can be beautiful, and because each time I make a connection with someone I learn something new about myself and about the world.

Finding the value in all things is vital to survival.  I am glad for what I learned from Varick.  I gained some personal clarity regarding the sort of relationships I am interested in, and I think it will be a great while before I get tangled up with someone so immature and inexperienced.  As Jack said to me last night, while he held me so tight and lovingly touched my black and blue rear end, I need to stop looking for a ‘project’ and start demanding partners who already have their shit together and know who they are and what they want.

Even though it really is better that we’ve ended things, I am still mourning the loss of a regular play partner.  It was lovely to be able to indulge that part of myself and experience some things I had been wanting to try.  I hope it won’t be too long before I have the opportunity again.

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I can’t get up the gumption to write much about the days before I left Ontario, but I figure I should at least record the fire play incident, if only for posterity.

Mz. F and Varick accompanied me on Thursday evening (June 26th) to Deja’s house, to watch Secretary and do a little fire play.

Due to Jack’s feelings on the safety of fire play, I regrettably had to bow out of being the practice subject for Varick’s lesson. Fortunately, a friend of Deja’s was willing to put his naked body on the line so that Varick could learn.

Mz. F and I sat on the floor in Deja’s dungeon, while preparations were made. Deja has loads of experience with such things, and the casual attitude with which she handles it all certainly put all of us at ease.

The session began, Mz. F and I observing wide-eyed. If you ever get the opportunity to witness fire play in action, do it. It’s like nothing I have ever seen before.

Varick was extremely nervous at first, and who can blame him? He reluctantly took one of the wands from Deja and gave it a go, and I must say, he did quite well. His confidence grew as both of them applied the alcohol and lit it afire in tandem. It was an interesting and amazing sight.

I’ll admit I was deeply envious of the man on the table. Mz. F encouraged me to give it a try, even against Jack’s wishes, and a couple of times offered to call him to assure him that it is safe.

I could tell that Deja was feeling badly for me, so she beckoned me over and offered to do a little strip on the inside of my arm. I really didn’t think that was a big deal, since I’d done that myself a ton of times back in junior high with hairspray and a lighter (we were often bored, LOL). She used the wand to paint a stripe of alcohol on my skin, and then she lit the wand and waved it over my arm, swooping over the trail of flames as soon as it lit. She did that several times over until all of the alcohol had been burned off. I imagine how the sensation would feel on my stomach, breasts, back, and ass. Mmmmmm. It didn’t burn at all, the final swipe was quite warm, but my skin wasn’t even red afterwards.

419. Try fire play

Deja coaxed Mz. F into getting a little on her arm as well, and she seemed just as enamored as I was. I hope that some day Jack might come around and allow me to experience a little more in the way of fire play, but I certainly won’t push my luck again and just go ahead without asking him.

After the scene was finished Deja gave Mz. F a bit of a demo with the violet wand, which she totally fell in love with. We spent the better part of half an hour playing with that.

Unfortunately Varick and I didn’t get to play at all, due to how late it was. To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement, but at least I was able to cross something off of my list.

When I talked to Jack later that evening about the fire play he was quite angry with me, and understandably so. I hadn’t really thought that just a little on the arm would be a big deal, but as he pointed out even breaking the rules a little bit is still wrong, regardless.

I became angry because it seems as though my judgment of the situation isn’t enough for him. I was insulted that he felt I would knowingly engage in something very dangerous just for thrills. I just wanted him to see that it’s not nearly as bad as he thinks it is.

We have of course worked that out since, although he’s still not thrilled over the idea and I don’t intend to dabble again until I have his permission to do so.

It was an interesting experience none the less and I am keeping my fingers crossed that it won’t be my last

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After the interesting adventure that was Friday night, I was really looking forward to Saturday afternoon and spending some more time with Varick.

I arrived at Deja’s before he did, which gave her and I some time to talk. I filled her in on the incident with the police officer and she had a good giggle with me over it all. We also talked some about Varick and about the sex party at Goodhandy’s that night. She was a little nervous about going, which surprised me, but all in all she seemed open and excited about the idea.

When Varick arrived he came over and kissed me and then sat down beside me with his arm around me. He rested his head against my shoulder and I remarked that he must still be tired from the night before. Apparently he hadn’t slept well, and was feeling sluggish.

Deja ordered us out to fetch coffee for her, so off we went. When we got back from Tim Hortons, he and I plunked ourselves down on the couch together and cuddled up. We watched some TV while we drank our coffees, and talked a lot about the scene from last weekend. I’d also brought him two books on BDSM, since he likes to read, and I thought he’d find tons of useful information in SM 101 By Jay Wiseman, and Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns By Philip Miller and Molly Devon. Deja agreed that both were very highly recommended, and encouraged him to read both thoroughly.

He flipped through SM 101 and we read passages together, discussing some of the topics covered and commenting on a few things we’d like to try. He was especially glad to see a pre-scene negotiation section, as well as extensive checklists of BDSM related activities.

We sort of lost track of time while we had our noses stuck in the books, and then Deja suggested we figure out what to do for supper. After some discussion we settled on this pub within walking distance, and since it was a beautiful day, we strolled over there together, enjoying the sunshine. I got a chance to check out the way Varick walks, which believe it or not, is a peculiar thing I always notice about a man. How they carry themselves says a lot. Varick has a very confident walk, almost a strut really, but not in an arrogant way. It kind of reminded me of this guy I was seeing around the time that I met Jack. He had this walk that just made me want to follow him anywhere.

At one point the sidewalk was too narrow for us to all walk side by side, so Deja and I fell into step behind Varick, and after a few yards of following him she and I exchanged looks and she remarked that we must look like a pimp with his bitches, and I started laughing so hard because I was having the exact same though. We’re kind of ridiculous actually.

The food was pretty good at the pub, and we talked about upcoming play parties and some other kinky events on the horizon. Hopefully I’ll be attending my first play party later this month Looking forward to that.

Bellies full, we sauntered back to Deja’s place. Varick decided that all my cheekiness had certainly earned me a good whipping, so he sent me off to the dungeon to get ready. I stripped down, put on my cuffs, and waited for him by the St. Andrew’s Cross. He opted to blindfold me again, and then snapped my cuffs to the cross and ran his hands up my body. He started on the outsides of my thighs, slowly proceeded up over my hips, my sides, around to my breasts, and then up to my collar bones. He was pressed against my back and his chin was resting on my shoulder. I was already trembling with anticipation, and when he asked if I was ready to begin, I nodded enthusiastically.

He nibbled my ear and then stepped away. Warming up commenced with him giving me some spanks with his hands, and then he selected one of the soft floggers and started in on me. After he was satisfied that I was ready to move on, he began with one of the thuddier, suede implements. Even though the pain was not significant at that point, my brain started swimming, and I could feel my pussy tingling. He paused often to run his fingers over me, and pinch my nipples while simultaneously biting my shoulder. I could feel droplets of liquid begin running down the insides of my thighs, and when he touched my ass I pushed into his hand, begging him like a slut, to touch between my legs.

Alas he did not indulge me, and continued the flogging, checking in with me several times. “Harder” and “Green” were about all I could manage to croak out when he enquired as to how I was doing. I was lost in the moment, and then there were fingernails, leaving trails of fire in their wake. I started panting and quivering, the change of sensation was significant and woke me up enough from my trance that I realized it was Deja and not Varick. The fingernails finished their work on my back, and then withdrew. I stood, braced for whatever was coming. The pause seemed to drag on forever, and then there was a hiss and a crack and I felt my flesh welt and sting. I gasped and threw myself against the cross. Another pause, followed by a series of hisses and cracks and sharp pain and yelping. I knew it was Deja’s single-tail, which hadn’t been used on me before.

There were plenty of pauses during that stretch of the scene, and a number of times when the whip only got near enough for me to feel the ‘breeze’ it created, which made me twitch none the less.

My skin was glistening with sweat and I was trembling hard by the time he finished with the whip. His hands were on me again, and he grabbed a fist full of dreads and pulled my head back, kissing me hard on the mouth. My knees threatened to buckle under me. He let me go and started cooling down the scene. He made sure to stroke and nuzzle me a lot while using some of the very soft floggers on me. I reluctantly wandered back from that far off place, and when he covered me with a blanket and held me tight, I sighed contently and leaned against him.

Carefully he unsnapped the cuffs and gave me a moment to regroup. He made sure I couldn’t fall down, and offered me a bottle of water right away, which I accepted gratefully.

Once I had gathered my wits again, Deja came in and we talked a bit about the scene. She asked us if we wanted to see her violet wand, since she knew I was curious about it. Varick started cleaning the equipment while she got it out and hooked it all up.

It was an interesting sensation when the wand was passed over the skin. Kind of stingy, but also tingly, sort of like getting a tattoo, but less intense. She also had this attachment where she holds onto this rod and then when she touches you, you get a shock, like static, but stronger. That one was cool. She lured me into kissing her and I got quite the zap to the lips and nose, LOL. I was glad to try it, plus I get to cross something off the bucket list:

413. Have a Violet Wand used on me

I could tell that something was off with Varick. He seemed different while he cleaned up, and I was unsure what was wrong. Deja had some things to do in her office so he and I went downstairs. I sat on the couch, stretched out on it, and had him come and sit down, between my legs, which I wrapped around him, with his cheek on my chest. I asked him quietly what was wrong and he said he just felt weird, and kind of down. I thought it might be Top Drop* so I just stroked his hair and kissed his forehead.

I felt him shudder against me and when I looked down at his face I noticed that he was crying. I hugged him tight and just allowed him to get it out. I was so honored that he was allowing me to see this part of him. I really, really struggle with being so vulnerable and emotional in front of other people, so I know how hard it can be. I treated it as if he was sharing a special gift with me, and I didn’t push for an explanation. I just held him close to me, with my cheek against his hair.

When he seemed to relax he lifted his head and I gave him a little kiss. He apologised and I told him not to apologise, that it was perfectly ok. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he just felt really vulnerable, and like he’d let his guard down with me, and it scared him. I kind of wanted to say “Yeah, I do that to people all the time” but it wasn’t really necessary. I have a very disarming way about me, or so I am told by friends and family.

We cuddled some more, and he said that he didn’t feel like going out, but didn’t want to ruin it for Deja and I. About part way through that he was overwhelmed again and I told him not to worry about it. He made some remarks about how he’s usually always on the defensive with people and suddenly he just felt all exposed.

He said he wanted to step outside, get some air. I offered to go with him but he said he just needed to be by himself for a moment. He went off and I went up to tell Deja what was going on. She got all worried about him too and we debated back and forth about what might be going on.

“Maybe he’s falling for you and he’s all conflicted about it” she said with a grin. I was kind of thinking along the same lines, based on what he’d said about being all vulnerable with me.

She said I should go look for him after he’d been gone about 10 minutes. I decided that would probably be a good idea, just to make sure he was ok. I wandered around the paths behind Deja’s house, and eventually found him, on his way back. We stopped where we met each other and I gave him a hug and a kiss and asked him if he was ok. He said he felt better and he took my hand and we walked back to the house together.

We all sat down in the living room and Deja asked him about his feelings. He said that being with me the night before and then again that day had caused him to let down his walls, and he hadn’t really expected that. He said he hadn’t been vulnerable like that with anyone for a long time, and that what we do in regards to the BDSM is so intense that he was just overwhelmed by it.

Deja went to make him some tea and I whispered to him that really it’s not so bad being vulnerable. He choked up, and shook his head.

“What happened to you?” I asked gently, not wanting to prod too much. He said something about having been hurt badly in the past and that was all I needed to hear. He added that he hadn’t allowed himself to open up to anyone for a long time, and that it was difficult for him. Clearly he has some pretty significant emotional scars, and he’s been closed off and keeping to himself for a while.

He tried to insist that Deja and I go to Goodhandy’s without it, but she and I had already agreed that he wasn’t in any shape to go and if he wasn’t coming with us, we didn’t want to go either. He relented, once we made it clear that we would not be swayed. Deja suggested that we watch a couple of movies instead, and of course he picked I Am Legend, which he knew would scare me because I am a huge wuss when it comes to anything ’scary’ LOL. He offered to let me hold onto him if I was scared, LOL, what a gentleman

We settled in to watch. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought and I only had to close my eyes a few times. He and I were cuddled up together on the couch, Deja was sitting near me on the other couch and she made a point of grabbing me and shrieking during a particularly tense part, which almost resulted in me jumping off the couch. Cruel woman.

No spoilers here, so no worries. I liked the movie overall, although I don’t think I’ll sleep again, ever.

Next we put in The Notorious Bettie Page, which I’ve seen before. I liked watching it again, because it’s an awesome movie! Varick and Deja hadn’t seen it before and they seemed to really enjoy it as well.

After that movie was over Deja put on the TV and Varick and I switched positions so that he was stretched out on his side and I was stretched out beside him, nuzzled into his chest. I dozed off a few times and he teased me about snoring. Deja invited me to stay the night but I didn’t think Jack would go for it so I declined (only to find out yesterday that he would have been fine with it, damn!) and got ready to head home.

Varick and Deja saw me off at the door. Varick kissed me softly and we hugged, and I hugged and kissed Deja, and off I trotted to my van. The drive home was long, but I made it and crawled into bed with Jack somewhere around 4am.

Yesterday I talked to Deja about what had happened with Varick and she’s pretty confident that he likes me a great deal and he’s kind of freaked out about it. She told me at least a dozen times to ‘go slow’ with him and that she thinks if I go about it the right way, I can help him get past his baggage. She doesn’t want to see either if us get crushed, nor does she want to end up in the middle if things go to hell. I promised her I just want to care for him and that I’m going to be gentle with his feelings and not rush anything.

I’ll admit I was angsty over it all. I was worried that he would pull away or maybe not want to see me again because he’s afraid of what’s happening. He called me later in the day to check in and see how I was doing. He still doesnt know (or doesn’t want to talk about) what was going on with him specifically, but I didn’t press the matter since I know he needs time to figure himself out.

We talked about getting together and I mentioned Jack being away for work on Thursday and Friday this week, and perhaps he’d want to come over after the munchkins were in bed to keep me company. I lured him into saying yes with promises of a hot bath in the jacuzzi, and a massage afterwards. There was also mention of the Tantra chair, and the sex swing. Yum. Jack was pleased that I would have company in his absence, since he knows I get lonely when he is away.

Hopefully he’ll get more comfortable talking about his feelings and I can find out exactly what’s caused him so much distress. So, rather than dreading Jack being gone, I’m actually looking forward to it a little.

*TOP DROP: Colloquial A sudden, abrupt feeling of depression, unhappiness, or similar negative emotion in a dominant which may occasionally occur immediately after a period of BDSM activity. May include feelings of guilt, especially if the dominant believes he or she has made an error, or has traditional ideas about relationship or socially appropriate behavior.

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Ethics are a funny thing.  Everyone has their own set, much like fingerprints.  Generally, Jack and I agree with each other when it comes to morals and ethics, which is nice, and certainly makes life easier.

Recently, a question arose that has us at odds with each other, and in an effort to perhaps gain perspectives that hadn’t occurred to me before, I’m putting it out there to my readers.

So here’s a basic overview of the situtation we can’t agree about:

Jack befriends girl.

Girl is dating a married man.

Married man’s wife is not aware that her husband is dating girl.  Girl obviously knows that wife doesn’t know and doesn’t seem to have any problem with the fact that her boyfriend is having an affair on his wife, with her.

Married man keeps telling girl that he will leave his wife.  Eventually it becomes clear that he has no intentions of doing so and girl dumps him.

Girl casually expresses interest in Jack.

Shasta feels HIGHLY uncomfortable with Jack pursuing said girl, because she was party to a situation that Shasta feels was highly unethical.  Shasta thinks that being part of an affair speaks volumes about a person, their ethics, and their attitude towards honesty and relationships.  Shasta trusts Jack but certainly does not trust girl and feels she does not want to be friends, let alone part of a relationship with said girl.

Jack disagrees and feels that since girl wasn’t married herself, she really wasn’t doing anything wrong.  Jack also insists that since HE is trustworthy, Shasta has nothing to worry about were he to get involved with girl.

Sorry if that was confusing, LOL.   It boils down to the fact that I personally feel you are just as responsible for an affair as the married person, if you knowingly participate in deception of that persons spouse.  I would never, ever date someone who I knew was married unless they could provide me with proof that their partner was ok with it.  Even if it’s just a brief conversation on the phone, or something of that nature.

Even though she perhaps didn’t directly participate in the lying, it seems to me that someone willing to get involved with someone under those conditions isn’t the most honest or trustworthy of people.  Yes, Jack and I are polyamorous, so is there any reason for him (or her) to lie?  Maybe, maybe not.  She could lie about all sorts of things, like her sexual history or her STI status.  I trust Jack completely, but he’s also only human, which means she could manipulate him or otherwise create a whole mess of trouble.

I also doubt I could handle getting to know her, or even meeting her.  I’ll admit, I’m judgemental, and suspicious, particularly when it comes to things like this.  I don’t want to be her friend, I don’t want to be in the same room as her, I don’t care how ‘nice’ she seems.

Jack feels that this is a little unreasonable on my part.  After all, I’ve broken the rules, and I’ve cheated (not when we were married mind you, since I took my initial vows of monogamy very, very seriously) so shouldn’t I try to be at least a little understanding?

Perhaps I should be, even though I think it would be seriously difficult to understand where she is coming from, especially since I don’t get the impression that she felt badly about what she was doing, or that he was cheating on his wife.  The only reason she dumped him is because she wanted him for herself, and he wouldn’t leave his wife.  That doesn’t inspire a lot of understanding in me, it just makes me think she’s a home-wrecking wench.

What do you guys think?  Should I cut the girl some slack and give Jack my blessing to at least have coffee with her?  Do you think I am right to be suspicious of her and her ability to be part of a responsible, ethical, non-monogamous relationship?  I’m curious to hear any thoughts my readers feel like sharing

Note: Often I don’t make the time to respond to comments, however, since I want to create discussion and dialog, I will be responding to every comment on this post and expanding on thoughts or answering questions.

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It was touch and go there for a few days last week, but I think I am finally getting over this horrendous sinus/throat infection thing that crawled up into my head last week and waged war on my body for days and days.

Thus I was in no shape to blog, nor do much of anything else besides lay about and feel like my brain was trying to escape out my nostrils. Also there was much ingestion of Tylenol and Advil and whatever else I could get my hands on.

However, it would seem I am recovering now. Today I didn’t wake up feeling like I had been swallowing knives all night, and thus did not contemplate throwing myself out of our bedroom window.

Yesterday, despite my retched-yet-slightly-improved condition, I had a date with Mr. Latent Dominant Tendencies. He’ll be needing a new name for sure, but not quite yet. Anyway, we had coffee and talked for three hours, hardly realizing how long we’d been at it. Those are the best sorts of conversations, the ones you get lost in like that. He seems very nice, and we hit it off rather well. One thing unfortunately has put a pause on my excitement. His wife. To whom he is still legally married although they have been separated for nearly a year.

You see, I’m not certain how this situation fits in with my usual ethics concerning married couples. As a rule, I won’t be involved with someone who is seeing other people, either committed or casual, unless everyone is aware of the situation. In this case, being separated (the live in different houses) is it totally necessary that she know he is dating? Perhaps I should ask how he thinks she would react if she saw him with another woman? Not sexually of course, but holding hands and kissing perhaps. Have they had a discussion about dating other people and agreed that both of them are totally free to do so without it becoming tangled up in future divorce proceedings and custody negotiations?

I suppose I’ll just have to ask him about it. I’d be lying however if I said it didn’t make me the least bit wary of getting in over my head with this one. I certainly do not want to get into the middle of something that could so easily become very messy and basted in drama.

This week I have to finish preparing the items that I am donating to the party that I mentioned last week. There are still tickets available to anyone who wants to attend. I volunteered last week to help pick out some outfits for the fashion show, and I’m even going to be modelling a couple of them for the show itself Who wants to see me in a naughty cheerleader outfit? Or in my thigh high boots and a button down shirt and nothing else? Please get in touch with me if you’re at all interested in attending, or if you need more information! It’s only three weeks away I can hardly stand to wait that long!

My appointment with the new esthetician went VERY well. I like her a lot! Take the advice of one of my readers and find a European esthetician. They seem to be more thorough and not at all squeamish about doing ‘front to back’ when it comes to Brazilians. She’s a total sweetie, and reasonably priced, so I am very pleased! I’ll be booking with her again a day or two before the party.

Ta Ta for now lovelies! I promise I’ll get back to updating regularly again now that I’m feeling better

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Thanks to a good blogger buddy of mine, my attention was drawn to this incredible article on polyamory over a Freaksexual. I’d never been over to that particular blog before, but I’m certainly glad I found it. Check it out, it’s very well written.

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However, I felt a need to post a little something about Bloggers For Choice Day.

I’d write my own long-winded thoughts on the topic, but a witty young thing already said it better than I could, so just go read her post.

Comments are off since this isn’t up for debate here (trust me people, you’re not going to change my mind, you all know how bloody stubborn I am). Please don’t go posting them to other entries or I may have to turn on comment moderation, which I REALLY don’t wanna do.

That is all.

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At the suggestion of a friend, I’ve decided to resurrect a few posts from my first sex blog (which was written a few years back). Most people don’t know that this is the third incarnation of my sex blog, and the following post is from my first attempt. I don’t have an actual date for this post right now, but I can say that it was likely written sometime in late 2004. The blog was mainly focused on BDSM and in this entry I spoke of my aversion to the idea of swinging.

I’ve gone through and changed the names since we were not known as ‘Jack and Shasta’ back then. If I get some good feedback on this I’ll likely post more of my old writings for your enjoyment.

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while, but to be honest it is kind of a touchy subject for me, so I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write it at all. But here it is now, I wanted to be honest in this blog, even if it is a little uncomfortable sometimes.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I would feel sharing Jack with another woman. Not full time of course, but just as a one time thing, maybe more if it was a good experience. It is something that I know Jack is interested in trying, although he is not pushy or forceful about it. I struggle with my desire to please him and my own bad feelings on the subject. He would never let us get into something like that unless he knew that I had no reluctant feelings and we had talked extensively about our expectations, feelings, desires, etc. Even though he is the Dom, this is still a marriage (and he has been my husband much longer than he has been my Dom), he would not want to jeopardize that just to get his way. Some people might think that he should just make all the decisions, period. But that is not us, that is not what we signed on for here. We will not try to fit ourselves into someone else’s preconceived notions, we are doing this our way.

When it comes to something like this (that could cause all kinds of trouble should it go badly) he will always make sure I feel comfortable, and if I am not, it will be dropped. Sorry to everyone who says that is not proper D/s, but kiss my ass. Everyone would agree with me if Jack wanted me to have sex with a dog or something and I refused. We have kids and a life together, no play of any kind is worth ruining that over, and we both agree on that.

Over the course of our relationship we have talked about having sex with other people many times, either as a threesome with another woman or man, or with another couple. I go back and forth as far as my desire to do it, sometimes it seems like a good idea, sometimes I cringe and shake my head. The thought of Jack being with another woman, touching her, looking at her naked… most of the time it makes me feel awful inside.

I know that before the Sex Show weekend I talked about the possibility of us playing with my two friends. Let me get this out of the way now, it would be different with them. I know how Jack feels about them, I know how they feel about Him, I have known them for years, I know pretty much everything that there is to know about them. That would be different, for me there is a level of comfort there. What I am talking about in this post is finding someone (or a couple) for the main purpose of having sex with them.

So I don’t like the idea of Jack being with someone else. Some people probably come to the conclusion that I don’t trust him. That is not the issue for me, I have done a lot of soul searching about it and I just don’t think that it comes down to trust. I don’t really like the idea of me being with anyone else either, to be honest. I don’t have a desire to sleep with another man, in fact I think the only way I would do it is if Jack ‘lent me out’ to another Dom in the context of BDSM play. And even then, I am afraid that I might chicken out. To me, swinging is just something that I don’t want to do, like I don’t want to try scat or blood play. I don’t think that people who do that are wrong, whatever floats your boat, but it isn’t for everyone.

In addition to that, I am at a stage right now where I don’t feel that great about my body. The thought of anyone seeing me naked besides Jack makes me cringe. I am packing some extra pounds from my pregnancies and my breasts aren’t as perky as they used to be. Who can enjoy sex when you keep thinking about how jiggly you ass looks and how flabby your tummy is? Not me that’s for sure.

I have read and heard that human beings were not meant to have only one mate for life. Men (and women) want variety, which is true is some cases I suppose. As far as my feelings, I have pretty much bought into the whole monogamy concept. I wouldn’t want to share my toothbrush, let alone my husband. I know that he will still look at other women, even want to sleep with them, but I don’t think that I can get on board with that, at least not right now. I try to never say never (with the exception of my hard limits) but in the foreseeable future I just can’t picture myself enjoying the experience. Perhaps my fears are unreasonable, silly even, but would it really be worth trying something that could cause us so many problems?

I am going to keep beating this dead horse for a moment. What if we did do it and Jack really liked it, but I hated it? What if I couldn’t get past that? What if I resented him for the rest of our marriage? What if he wanted another threesome/foursome/whatever and I refused? I am usually all about the worst case scenario. And what if it went well? That would be OK, we are all happy, no problem. But I keep asking myself, is the relationship that we have been building for four years worth risking over one night of sex? I don’t think so, and I know that Jack feels the same way.

If you are into getting some ass outside of your committed relationship I wish you the best. Not everyone is into it, just like not everyone is into BDSM, watersports, sex in animal costumes, and so on. If there is ever something that I am into the Jack is not, I hope he will be OK with telling me so, and we can just forget about it and move on. I hope that I made some sense during this post, writing it was one of those rare occasions when I am not sure that I got my point across. If I think of any other points I wanted to make I can always write another post, which I might have to do to respond to comments and questions from my readers. I have done far too much thinking today, I am glad that bedtime is only a few hours away, LOL.

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It’s not often I am lucky enough to be asked to review a book. In fact, to date it’s only happened twice. This particular book is very special to me because I got to read it before it was available to the public (the very first edition) and because the author and I have become good friends. Not to mention that he was kind enough to put a likeness of ME right on the cover.

Appropriately, I am having sex with the Grim Reaper. How fitting, don’t you think?

The basic summery of this book, is that it’s an in-depth examination of a number of modern taboos which all of us are familiar with. This particular book (I am hopeful there will be more) covers the topics of nasal mucous, excrement, sex, and drug use.

Right from the opening remarks, I found this book fascinating. As I worked my way through the chapters I learned more and more facts and information that I was not previously aware of. It also made me think a great deal, about the source of taboos and why we care so much about them. Books don’t always make me think, but I enjoy and appreciate them that much more if they do.

The chapters on sex were of course of the greatest interest to me. Although I enjoyed blurting out obnoxious facts about nose picking and bathroom habits to horrified friends for months afterwards.

Our sexual evolution over the course of recorded history is interesting indeed. Societies judgements surrounding homosexuality, prostitution, and infidelity have developed in fascinating ways. It’s certainly not light reading, and there is a lot of content to absorb, but I feel it’s well worth it. There is also a certain amount of edgy humour mixed in, which is highly appealing (especially to dry, sarcastic people like me).

I particularly enjoyed the sections on sex and religion, having grown up Catholic and a sex fiend. Those things are actually mutually exclusive, unless of course every single sex act is initiated with the intent to procreate (which in this household, it most certainly isn’t).

Being very new, this book is not available at many bookstores. However, you can order directly from the publisher, here. Or you can get a copy at one of these fine retailers:

The Beguiling
601 Markham Street
Toronto, Ontario

Seeker’s Books
509 Bloor Street West
Toronto, Ontario

Zoinks! Music And Books
1019 Bloor Street West
Toronto, Ontario

Pick up a copy and take a look. If you’re disappointed in the book after reading it, let me know and I’ll send you some sort of a consolation gift.

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