Stiletto Diaries

My regular laptop is in the shop having it’s LCD screen replaced, and I’ve been lacking the patience to pick my way through a blog post on the tiny keyboard of my Asus Eee PC.  However, I figured I’d better put something up here before I lost all of my readers, heh.

The friend from Alberta whom was out for a visit left on Tuesday night.  We had a really good time together and I was sorry to see her go.  I really hope she’ll come out again, and she invited me to stay with her the next time I go back to Calgary for a weekend to see my friends, which I appreciate.

I do have lots of photos and adventures to share, once my laptop comes home, since this tiny thing will not support my camera software nor allow me to upload any pictures from it.  That will have to wait.  Besides, I feel as though I am still recovering from the whirl-wind week that she was here, so having a few days to gather my thoughts isn’t the most unfortunate circumstance.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with Nia.  We went shopping for Thanksgiving/Halloween decorations and then she came over for a late lunch and coffee.  It was so nice spending some time with her, we have a lot of similarities when it comes to depression and OCD, and so she can relate to me on that level, which is just what I needed.  We had a really good conversation and I feel so lucky to have both her to talk to.

Today Jack and I had our weekly lunch date.  I am really happy that we are able to meet during the day and spend some time together, just talking.  Often, even at home after the kids are in bed, we are so worn out that we just cuddle up and relax.  When we meet for lunch we’re both more energetic and we have no distractions like laundry or dishes or bills.  I know that I really look forward to having lunches with him, and he’s told me that it’s the highlight of his week, so I’m glad we decided to start having weekly dates.  It also gives me an opportunity to ask him questions about how things are going at work, and to listen to all of the issues and people he’s dealing with.  I genuinely enjoy getting a glimpse into that part of his life, and his work can be fascinating if you’re interested in such things, which I am.  Naturally he also wants to hear all about whatever I want to share, generally getting him caught up on the kids school-related things and whatever grandiose idea I’ve got stewing.

Tomorrow I begin serious preparations for Thanksgiving.  I’m doing a turkey and trimmings and the whole nine yards.  I actually bought pie pumpkins so that I could make one from scratch, LOL.  Yes, there are special pumpkins for pie-making, not just any old pumpkin will do.

Deja is joining us for Thanksgiving dinner, and I’ve invited Nia and one of her boyfriends, if they end up wanting to join us (HINT HINT Nia, ditch the ‘rents and come over here for tofurkey and homemade honest-to-god-not-from-a-can pumpkin pie).  I’m also baking some autumn themed cookies for the kids to take to school next week, and also as a treat for some of my pals at the kink munch on Tuesday.  I’m already having fantasies of Varick asking me if I have cookies for him and then saying “NO!” while rolling my eyes.  I’m going to make up some little packages of cookies for my most favorite people and he certainly isn’t one of them.

Once I get my laptop back we’ll be back to regular posting.  Hope you can wait around until then

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I really miss having a regular play partner. 

I’ve been reading one of the kink/fetish books I have on my list and it’s only served to remind me of what I’m missing out on.  I haven’t had any time to devote to rectifying the situation, and to tell you the truth, I’m a little tired of looking.

Still, I can’t deny that I crave it.

I’ve been reading said book at work, and on more than one occasion I’ve had to excuse myself to the bathroom to masturbate frantically, which really doesn’t scratch the itch at all, but at least provides a temporary distraction.  Yes, I am a naughty pet indeed.

Recently I was at the dollar store picking up some things for a project that V and I have been working on, and as I browsed the isles I came across half a dozen really wonderful items for playing.  I debated buying them.  Do I really need more toys?  They are just going to languish in my closet for goodness knows how long, perhaps never again to see the light of day!

I bought them anyway.  I mean, really, you can’t go wrong for the price, and I need not be so cynical.  Thus, I brought home a plastic shoe horn, a metal ruler, and three different glove type things for different sensations.  Perhaps they will sit a long time before getting used, but I have to believe that someday it’ll actually happen, because these urges are not going away any time soon.

I lust after the ideal Dominant.  Certainly no one is perfect, but I should hope that there is someone perfect for me, in that our interests and kinks compliment each other and we are able to connect in such a way that facilitates play on the level I am looking for.

The desire waxes and wanes of course, like all things.  After I’d established that Jack and I were just not on the same page in terms of BDSM I went through a long spell of not really caring for it overall.  Over the past year however, it’s resurfaced, reminding me again that I have a need, to find myself on my knees at the feet of someone who takes great pleasure in my submitting to them.  Who has the power and the confidence to inspire my submission, rather than just expecting it automatically.

He also must already know what he is doing.  I’m tired of being the teacher.  I’m tired of being on the receiving end of lackadaisical attempts and half-hearted gestures.  If I’m not playing with someone as eager and excited as I am, then is there any point?  No!

At any rate, it’s easy to feel discouraged when it seems as though everyone is having a good time except for you.

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Despite his trepidation, Jack was wonderful at the munch last night.  There was already a good crowd when we arrived, and it was really nice to see everyone.  We sat beside Deja, whom Jack really enjoyed talking to.  I introduced him to a few of my friends and we ordered some drinks.

Varick arrived and spotted Deja and I, so he promptly came over and plunked himself down between us.  We said hello and then I introduced him to Jack.  The look on his face was priceless.  It was a combination of horror, embarrassment, and terror.  He turned 15 shades of red and covered his face with his hand and sort of laughed uncomfortably.  Clearly I’d caught him totally off-guard, which is exactly what I was hoping for.  Jack just grinned, and later on the way home I told him that the only thing which could have made that moment any better is if Jack had remarked “OH!  So YOU’RE the guy who was fucking my wife!”  I think that would have made Varick shit a brick, literally, Hee Hee.

In their usual style, everyone was really welcoming to Jack and glad to meet him (finally).  Varick seemed oddly attentive and interested in talking to me, which perhaps means nothing, but just the way he was acting seemed a little…suspect.  I sort of wonder if Jack hadn’t been there with me, if Varick would have perhaps made a move to get back together.  Who knows really (and I would have declined had he suggested such a thing) but it can be amusing to speculate.

We had a really good time, and I was so pleased that Jack and Deja hit it off.  She is going to join V and I (and hopefully Nia as well if she is over her flu by then) on Saturday night, for our trek to Goodhandy’s.  Jack and I are also planning to go over to Deja’s the last weekend of this month for some fire-play!!!  After meeting her Jack says that I can do fire-play with her whenever I want!  Very, very exciting, since I only really tried that tiny bit on my arm.  I really can’t wait to get the full body experience!

Now that he’s had a taste of what munches are like, Jack says he’s fine going to them with me.  Everyone who met him remarked that they hope he will come back again, and I think he will, provided V is able to babysit for us.  I am so happy that he’s getting more comfortable, and he says that he thinks going to more munches and meeting new people will be really beneficial for him, and I agree.  Who knows, maybe he and I will get to go to a play party in the near future.  I’d really love to go to one, but it would be even better if Jack would come with me, even just to watch.

This Friday V and I are going to the Bedouin Soundclash concert, and then Goodhandy’s on Saturday as I mentioned above.  It’s shaping up to be a really fun weekend!  Speaking of concerts, last night Jack bought us really good tickets for James Blunt, who is preforming here in Toronto on November 27th!  Seeing him in concert is on my list, so I’m really pumped about that.

Happy Hump Day everyone!  Hopefully we all get lucky

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I know, I know, I am woefully behind on the blogging front.

I’ve been devoting a great deal of my time to other projects, none of them related to sex or this blog.  Speaking of sex, that’s also taken up a fair bit of my recent attentions ;)  I’ve missed writing here, and I am sure you’re all getting tired of the Twitter posts and nothing really of substance.

Last week V and I took the initiative to cross something small off of my list, and we made fried green tomatoes together.  They had a mild flavour, and we actually quite liked them.

50. Eat fried green tomatoes 

On Saturday afternoon Jack took the kids and I to watch my favorite CFL team play on their home turf.  I’ve been a fan of the Hamilton Ti-Cats since high school, despite the fact that they seem to do progressively worse every season.  Maybe I just have a soft spot for the underdogs, but no matter how badly they play, I keep rooting for them.

Hamilton was playing during the first CFL game I’d ever been to.  Jack took me to my first football game seven years ago, and although I generally don’t get a lot out of watching it on TV, I quite enjoy watching games live.  We used to have season tickets to the Calgary Stampeders, so I’ve been to a number of games since then, and even one very chilly Grey Cup game a few years back.

At any rate, I was looking forward to watching my Ti-Cats play again, especially in their own stadium.  Jack got us great seats.  We were just about dead center of the field, and only a few rows back from the side lines.  It was great!  The kids were having a ball, we all shared popcorn and cotton candy, and the weather was absolutely perfect.

Of course, I’d forgotten to charge the good camera, which promptly died after I captured only a few shots. It’s charging right now, so I’ll have to put up the lower quality ones I shot with my PowerShot.

 

The half-time show was provided by this really awesome marching band from one of the local high schools.  They did a great job, and were very entertaining.

316. Go to a Hamilton Tiger-Cats game in Hamilton

Hamilton lost (no real surprise there) but I’m consoled by the fact that the Edmonton Eskimos (my second favorite team) is somewhere around second place overall in the league.  I hope I’ll be watching them play at the Grey Cup in November (Jack and V and I are making the trek to Montreal for a weekend to party and watch the game).  It didn’t matter that they lost, we had a ton of fun together!

After we got home and put kids to bed, V and I decided to go out for the evening and have a few drinks together.  We got dressed up and caught a cab downtown to our new favorite bar.  It wasn’t too busy yet, so we ordered some drinks and grabbed a table on the patio.  Before long the place was packed, and the line to get in was at least half and hour wait.

We danced and admired the dozens of attractive men around.  It was a really great time.  You know, I am SO SO glad that V ended up moving out here.  There is nothing like having a best friend to go out with whenever you feel like it.  Nia was away for the weekend, and although she is a most excellent partner in crime, before V moved, she was my only pal really.  If she was away, I basically had no one local to go out with.  Now that V is here, we provide each other with constant entertainment.  Another bonus is that she and Nia get along and like each other, so we have gone on several outings together.  I’m actually hoping that this weekend Nia will join V and I at Goodhandy’s for the evening.  I haven’t seen Todd in ages and I miss the club and the people I have met there.

Last night I went on a date with another new Dom.  We enjoyed each others company, but the chemistry just wasn’t there.  I am sure we shall become good friends, which is never a bad thing.  I’m not discouraged.  I’ve had two dates recently with really smart and interesting men, and even though the attraction hasn’t been there, it’s been great to meet new people and feel like I am back in the dating game.

Tomorrow night is the kink munch and Jack is planning to come with me.  I am excited to introduce him to my friends and aquaintances there.  I think Nia is going to attend as well, so at least he will know her as well, which helps when you’re on the shy side.

I’ve got some great toy reviews coming up (finally!) and I am hoping that since school has started again and things are settling into some semblance of routine again, I’ll have more time for regular blogging.  Thank you for bearing with me during the last few weeks.

*Title Courtesy Of My Spam Folder

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So my date went really well last night, although we have established that we’d just like to be friends.  We had a really wonderful, excited intellectual conversation about all sorts of sexual and poly related topics.  We certainly connected in that capacity, but the rest just wasn’t there.  At the very least, I have someone new to have passionate and enthusiastic conversations with, who likes to read a lot of the same books, and all of that great stuff.

There are two other potentials on the horizon at the moment.  Both of them are exceedingly busy until summer ends, which is just as well, since so am I.  Hopefully coffee dates will come to fruition in September.

I still haven’t decided exactly what I want to do this weekend for my birthday.  On Friday Jack is taking me out for dinner and drinks.  I think we’ll try this sushi place I heard about but haven’t been to yet.  The rest of the weekend is still open to whatever I might be inclined to do.  Perhaps I shall peruse my bucket list for inspiration.  I’d love to run off to Ottawa for the weekend or something, so that’s one option.  We could also go in to Toronto, or to Niagara Falls.

We’re applying for passports this week, since Jack keeps dropping hints about taking me on a surprise trip somewhere.  I know he’s been dying to take me to Vegas for years.  I guess the backlog isn’t horrible right now, so it should only take a couple of weeks for processing.  Plus, I’ll get to cross another thing off my list!

I’m feeling oddly anxious today, for no good reason at all.  It’s been a great while since I’ve had a day like this, so I am sure it’ll pass, it’s just unnerving.  At any rate, it’s not doing anything helpful for my blogging mojo, LOL.

*Steven Meretzky

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Despite my serious bout of the flu, we decided to go ahead with our trip to the states over the weekend.  I was feeling mostly better, and I didn’t want to pass up the chance to see more of America, and to cross a thing of two off of my bucket list.

After some discussion, we decided to camp out, rather than spending a ton of money on a hotel.  We found a KOA in Lewiston, just across the border from Niagara Falls, and north of Buffalo.  Since all of our camping gear was still together from my weekend at Forbidden, it was fairly quick and painless to pack up.  We planned to eat out the entire time as well, so I didn’t need to worry about groceries or cooking.

We didn’t get on the road until late in the day, but it didn’t matter as we were not in any rush to get there.  If I have daylight for setting up the tent, I am generally content.

Getting across the border took only moments.  The security officer asked us a few questions and basically waved us on.  That makes two really easy border crossing experiences for me.  I’m going to keep up with manifesting that it will be easy every time, since it seems to be working, LOL.

When we got to the KOA it was dusk.  Jack and I made quick work of setting up, although he has never had to set up this particular tent before, and I have (many times now) so I may have been a tad short with him.  At any rate, once it was up and our stuff was inside, we got the kids ready for bed and I took a quick shower.  We got them bundled into their sleeping bags and then Jack and I sat down and breathed a collective sigh of relief.

I got the fire going, and we sat together for a while and just relaxed.  We were both exhausted from the packing and then unpacking and wrangling of gear and children, so we didn’t linger long.  We were glad to crawl into our bed together and cuddle up to the sounds of the frogs and the crickets outside.

Our children do not believe in sleeping in, so morning came painfully early.

Once we were all dressed and assembled for the day, Mags (the GPS) showed us to the nearest Denny’s.  We all had a satisfying breakfast (and plenty of coffee for Jack and I) and then it was off to Target to do a little shopping.

I fell in love with a black leather hobo style purse, which Jack insisted I purchase (between that and the tickets for Bedouin Soundclash and Blue Man Group I think my birthday gifts are covered).  We picked up a few clothes for the kids while we were there, and a backpack for the littlest one, since she starts school this fall.

There were more stores, but we mostly just browsed.  We were not so much there to shop, as to see if it’s really worth it to cross the border for future purchases.  On some items it certainly is, which is useful information, since it’s only an hour to Buffalo from where we live.

For lunch we headed into downtown, to Anchor Bar, which is the home of the original buffalo chicken wing.  Apparently, before they turned them into the now-popular pub fare, chicken wings were only used in soups or discarded entirely.

The place was busy, a testament to its popularity.  The inside of the bar itself is divided into two halves, one being the original and the other being the addition which was built to accommodate the growing business.

We were seated in the original part of the building, the walls lined with photos of celebrities, everyone from Willie Nelson to Hillary Clinton, most of them signed.  There were also countless newspaper articles, awards, and other recognitions bestowed upon the bar, framed and hung on the walls.

Jack and I decided to split a bucket of mild wings (which is really less of a bucket, and more of a platter) which is 50 wings, served with their signature homemade bleu cheese dip.

When the wings arrived we were impressed with the size of them.  Some pubs serve wings that you swear must have come from a miniature chicken because of the diminutive size.  Not so at Anchor Bar.  We also noticed that the wings didn’t have any sauce on them, but instead appear to have been dusted with some sort of a spice blend.  I appreciated that, because it’s less messy, and makes it easier (and less slippery) to eat them.

We dug in enthusiastically.  Now, I’ve eaten chicken wings at a LOT of restaurants and pubs over the years, and I’ll say right now, the wings at Anchor Bar truly ARE the best I’ve ever had.  In fact, I am craving them as I write this.  Jack and I both feel that driving an hour and some into Buffalo to eat there again is not an unreasonable date night idea.  In fact, we will likely use any excuse we can from now on to go to Buffalo for wings.  SOOOOO FREAKIN DELICIOUS!

The mild were good, but hardly spicy, which I suppose is the idea.  Next time we shall go for medium and see what those are like.  I am not a fan of food that is so hot I can’t taste anything but pain in the mouth, so I was glad that they offer a mild that is actually mild and not just one step down from wanting to claw my own tongue out.

453. Have buffalo chicken wings at Anchor Bar in Buffalo, where they were invented

Jack and I couldn’t finish the whole 50.  He quit at 23 or so, while I wussed out at only 11.  They were just too huge and I just wasn’t starving enough.  Next time we’ll order a bucket again, but I’ll make sure I have an appetite!

We picked up some coolers on the way out to our campground, and some marshmellows and watermellon for the kiddos.  It had been a really full day, and we were looking forward to relaxing after the kids were in bed.

Back at camp the kids played ball and chased each other around while we sorted out our purchases and put the coolers on ice.  I set up the iPod and the speakers on the picnic table so that we could listen to some music.  As dusk fell I got the fire started so that the little ones could roast a few marshmellows before bed.

After sticky fingers had been washed, pajamas had been buttoned on, and tucking in had been completed, it was just Jack and I by the fire.  We started in on the coolers, and roasted a few marshmellows ourselves.  Then Jack got out the travel chess set we had purchased earlier that day and we sat across from each other at the table and set it up.

Since it was already dark, we were playing in pretty low light, LOL. We didn’t mind though. It was so peaceful being together by the fire with drinks and my slow songs playlist going on the iPod.

The picture above was taken with the flash on, and here’s one taken without the flash, by the light of the headlamp we had perched over the board.

Jack was a good teacher, and we actually played for quite a while before he win the game. I look forward to many more chess games with him in the future, and hopefully my skills will improve and I can win a few times

189. Learn to play chess

After we put the chess game away, we played yahtzee, another mutual favorite. It was a close game, but Jack won again, by three points.

We’d had enough games, and we were getting sore from sitting, so we slow danced by the fire, under the stars. I laid my head against Jack’s chest in the dark while we wrapped our arms around each other and swayed to the soft music.

I left Jack to tend the fire while I trotted off to the showers to have a quick rinse down. I’d been sweating all day in the heat and I don’t like going to bed feeling sticky and gross. The cool water was a welcome relief from the humid warmth of the evening. Once I was sufficiently refreshed, I wrapped myself up in a towel and walked back to our campsite. I remarked to Jack that I missed the freedom I’d experienced at Forbidden, and that being naked outside is something I’d like to relive again as soon as possible.

He took his turn having a shower. While he was gone I got the munchies and opened the package of leftover wings from Anchor Bar. I don’t like cold chicken, but how to reheat it? I stuck one of the marshmallow sticks through a wing and held it over the fire until it began to sizzle a bit. It was actually pretty good, if not time consuming, LOL.

When Jack returned we had another drink or two and then headed for bed. Once we were settled in, we very quietly fooled around (there is a divider in our tent, but it’s certainly not sound proof) until he made me cum with his fingers. That put me right to sleep until the following morning.

The kids were sad to leave after we packed up our gear and loaded it all back into the van. We took them to a Bob Evans restaurant for breakfast, which was awesome! I had these pancakes that were stuffed with vanilla cream (it claimed to be cream cheese, but it was more like a pastry cream) and then topped with pecans and banana caramel syrup. OMG to die for!

Jack had blueberry french toast with the same vanilla cream and regular syrup and that was delicious too.

Once breakfast was finished it was time to head back to Canada. We hardly had to pause to speak to the border patrol, and he waved us through. Man I am just awesome good luck at border crossings or something.

We were going to take the kids to Niagara Falls, but it was a bit overcast and we wanted to have supper at Earl’s in Mississauga that evening, and Jack needed to stop at home for something, so we decided to save it for another day.

After stopping at the house to use the bathroom and check on the animals, we went to Mississauga for dinner (also amazing, but that’s a given, since we love Earl’s) and Jack showed me where the Princess Auto store is there because I had been wanting to go. Sadly it was closed, but at least I can find it now. Princess Auto is a brilliant source for cheap BDSM stuff if you have some imagination. Cable ties, all sorts of straps and winches, chain, and lots of other little goodies to be found there.

Last week I picked up a fibreglass ’snow pole’ at a farm supply store. It cost me just under five bucks, and it’s a brilliant cane. Jack used it on me last night and it leaves an ouch. It’s heavy, so it’s like a stingy thud, not at all like the bamboo cane I have which is lightweight, even though they are similar thickness. It bruises deep, although it doesn’t welt as much as a traditional cane. I like it a lot, although I think it requires a warm up.

At any rate, it was lovely curling up together last night and getting a good rest together. I woke up feeling really refreshed today.

This evening I have a date with a new man I’ve been chatting with recently. At 49 he’s old enough to be my father, but I don’t put a lot of weight on age anymore. I’m tired of dating boys my age. They are too immature, too moody, with none of their shit together and not enough experience. Older men are just…simpler. They are generally comfortable with themselves, know what they want, and don’t get all caught up in drama. Certainly there are exceptions on both sides, but this man is exactly what I am looking for.

He’s already poly, and kinky, and he’s self contained and confident. He enjoys seduction for the sake of it, and we share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings on BDSM and power exchange. He lives alone, and has several other partners at the moment, which means he won’t be demanding too much of my time, and that he can have guests whenever he wants.

I’m hopeful we will connect as well in person as we have online. It would be lovely to have a play partner again. I feel like I’m already totally over Varick, so this isn’t a rebound situation, it’s just another potential friend and lover.

So I am sure I will have details to share tomorrow I will let you know how it goes!

Also only seven more sleeps until my 26th birthday!

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In my rush to get my entry about Forbidden written and posted, I forgot to talk about a few interesting aspects of the weekend that I particularly enjoyed.

The first was the nudity.  I have had serious body issues for years, and I am none too keen on taking my clothes off in front of people in private, never mind a couple of dozen strangers.

However, at Forbidden, it was amazing.  I’ve never felt so free to just be myself, without any concern over being judged.  On Saturday night when I stood outside under the moon, completely naked, and not caring at all if anyone saw, it was the most incredible feeling.  It was the first time in a great while that I’ve been at peace with my physical self, and I felt…beautiful.

It’s a fascinating experience, being amongst people who are being utterly and completely themselves.  No social masks to keep up with.  If you wanted to prance around nude, leading your heavily restrained and blindfolded partner up and down the road, you could do so.  If you wanted to be fucked up the ass over a picnic table in broad daylight, you could do that too.  The energy surrounding the whole place was somewhat magical in that a feeling of camaraderie and acceptance abounded.

Leaving was depressing, despite what happened between Varick and I.  It was difficult to go from the freedom and excitement of that far off place, back to the ‘real’ world with all it’s social taboos and judgements.  I came home wearing only a tank top and a tiny skirt.  When I parked in my driveway it occurred to me that I’d better get in the house and into something more decent before one of the neighbours saw me, and I was instantly saddened.  How unfortunate it is that we can’t embrace ourselves and each other for who we are.

Granted I wouldn’t want to possibly scar any neighbourhood children with my practically bare and heavily bruised rear end, but I’d like to think that if someone saw me darting into the house dressed in so little, they wouldn’t recoil in horror.

Being at camp was so special, if only for the reasons listed above.  It was like a little bubble where we could hide away from the rest of the world, let our guards down and just have a wonderful time with each other.

I will return to camp, hopefully at least once a year, so that for a few days I can remind myself that there ARE people in the world who don’t sneer at the odd stretch mark.  People who find both bodies and souls lovely and unique, regardless of the shape, size, or color.  They put their money where their mouths are and honour whatever pieces of yourself that you care to share like you are giving them a special gift. 

I miss it already.

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I really, really want to write about my weekend at Forbidden, but it feels like my thoughts are scattered and disjointed.  The entire experience was so surreal…so intense, on so many levels.  It was pleasure and pain and wonder and distress, all wrapped up into a scant 41 hours.

Before I begin, let me say to Red, that you were right.  I was a stupid, stupid girl for not ending it immediately on Tuesday night when I had the opportunity.

A lot of things that happened at the camp will stay private, because there is a certain understanding that what happens in the kinky circles, stays in the kinky circles.

I will tell you, however, that Varick and I did not get along well during the time we were there.  Sadly, I think that we had already decided that we’d had enough of each other, but for some ridiculous reason decided to suffer through the weekend pretending to be together.  It made things uncomfortable for both of us, and aside from a brief 45 minutes of play, we didn’t connect at all.

Friday evening, after setting up and making the rounds to say hello, I retired to bed early while he sat around a fire elsewhere.  At around 2:00am he crawled into bed and I let him cuddle against me to warm up.  I asked him how he wanted his eggs in the morning, and then we fell asleep.

I tend to be a naturally early riser (and I’m also a serious night owl, which is confusing, LOL) so I woke up around 7:30 Saturday morning.  I slithered out of bed and pulled on a bit of clothing and slipped out into the morning sun to use the bathroom and make some coffee.  There were people walking around in the nude already and even though I was barely wearing anything I chuckled to myself about feeling ‘over dressed’.

With Old Crow Medicine Show playing on the little speakers I bought for my iPod, I put water on for coffee and started rounding up breakfast.  It was a gorgeous morning, and I LOVE cooking outside while camping.  It’s one of my favorite things about being out in the woods.

Varick surfaced, wearing only his jeans and runners.  He went to the bathroom and then returned, at which point I told him to go back to bed and that I would call him when breakfast was ready.  He remarked on the music I was playing (apparently he is not a fan) and I replied that if he was the one up first, cooking breakfast, then he could pick the music.

He went back inside the tent and I finished the eggs and sausage and poured him a glass of orange juice.  I wanted the day to go well, so I took him breakfast in bed (a pleasure he’d never received before).  He was at least polite and thanked me for cooking.  We ate and then he got dressed while I cleaned up.

After wandering around and saying hello to people we knew, we ended up at Deja’s camp site for a good part of the morning.  I could tell that something was off with Varick.  While I was making my best effort to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible, he acted as though he didn’t want to be within ten feet of me.  I don’t think that anyone picked up on it, aside from me, but it was hurtful and irritating.

There was a Booze Cruise happening early in the afternoon, hosted by a bunch of the seasonal campers.  Basically anyone who wanted to participate followed the host, who led us from site to site, and at each there was free drinks and food.  I hadn’t planned to drink, since I hoped to play and generally the two don’t mix well.  However, I didn’t see much action in my near future, so I went with Deja and we hit a few of the stops.  It had been a while since breakfast and I drank six shots at one stop (no one wanted theirs because it was WAY strong) so I was feeling lightheaded almost immediately.

I had a great time on the Booze Cruise, and made some new friends along the way.  At some point I had to cut myself off however, before I was totally wasted and therefore useless for the rest of the evening.

Varick and I headed back to our site around supper time to make something to eat.  We ate and then I went into the tent for something (I can’t recall exactly what it was) and he followed me.  Perhaps he was making an effort to dispel the weirdness between us, but we played for a while, unexpectedly really.  It was certainly the most intense scene we’d ever had, in terms of both his choice of implements and how hard he used them on me.

He caned me and paddled me and used the crop and that horrid wheel.  I still have an impressive collection of bruises and cane stripes across my ass and thighs, and I don’t bruise easily.  I wanted him to hit me harder, but he’s still too nervous about hurting the person he is beating on.

When he was finished he wrapped me up in a blanket and held me for a while.  It was certainly the most intimate moment of the weekend, but I could tell that he was still very distant.  Really, it didn’t matter much, I got what I wanted for the most part.

There was drumming at Deja’s camp as the sun went down.  I had thought of bringing my drum and then opted not to, and man was I kicking myself.  On the bright side, there were a couple of massage tables set up, and the submissives were taking turns being drummed on.

I got my turn, although I felt uncomfortable at the idea of getting completely naked in front of no less than 30 people.  Despite my reservations, I stepped out of my comfort zone, slipped out of my tiny skirt and tank top and layed down on my front on the table.

Three people used canes to drum on the length of my body.  My ass was still very sore from the earlier beating, a fact that a particular Dom friend of mine used to his advantage, making me yelp several times with particularly enthusiastic drumming.  It was an amazing experience, being nude in the firelight while people pounded out music on an assortment of instruments, including my skin.

When they were done with me I got dressed and sat down beside Varick again.  He seemed tired, so I suggested he head to bed, which he did, even though it was only 10:00pm.

Some time later I found myself naked on the table again, this time on my back.  Deja and that nice Dom were pouring hot wax onto my flesh while I moaned and wriggled.  There was wax from my neck to my toes and everywhere in between.  The heat wasn’t enough to burn, but it felt like liquid fire when they dripped generous amounts over my breasts and pussy.

278. Have hot wax poured on my naked body

Once I was sufficiently covered, the Dom picked up his long dagger and proceeded to drag the tip over my skin.  I shuddered and did my best to keep still while the blade slipped over my flesh, scrapping the wax away from my body.

When he slipped it between my legs and up between my pussy lips I was panting so hard I thought I might hyperventilate.  Then he rested the tip on my clit and wiggled it, and I wanted to turn myself inside out.  He nearly made me cum with his knife, which in itself was incredible.

291. Experience knife play

When it was done, Deja covered me with a blanket, and I layed there looking up at the stars through the leaves of the trees.  The fire crackled behind me while I processed what had just occurred.  All that was missing was someone to take me in their arms while my head swam with endorphins.  I missed Jack intensely in that moment.  I wished with all my being that I had gone to Forbidden with anyone but Varick.

Only when I was certain I could stand on my own did I sit up and slip off the table, still wrapped in Varick’s blanket (which he’d left with me before going to bed).  I sat down by the fire, naked and covered in bits of wax and baby oil (they put that on first to make it easier for the wax to be removed after) and listened to the conversation around me.  I felt…peaceful, but alone.  It was strange, but a good experience overall.

Later I went back to my tent and stood in the moonlight completely nude.  I rinsed myself off as well as I could, and then went inside to put on some warmer clothing.  Varick woke some and asked me how I was doing.  I replied that I was good while I slipped into my jeans and a hoodie.  I told him to go back to sleep while I zipped the door closed behind me.

Deja suggested we got for a quick swim before they closed the pool.  I hadn’t brought a suit, but everyone was going naked anyway, so we stripped off and took a quick dip.  We didn’t linger too long, since it was nearly 1:00am and the water was rapidly cooling off.

66. Skinny dip in the dark

I dried myself off and bid Deja a good night before going to bed myself.  There was no cuddling that night, Varick stayed on his side of the bed and I stayed on mine.

When I woke the next day the first order of business was coffee, and the second was writing Varick a letter about how I felt.  I wasn’t sure that I would give it to him, but I needed to do something to get it all out.  I tucked it away before he got out of bed, glad to have at least organized my thoughts somewhat.

We ate a light breakfast and then did a little visiting.  I felt hungover, although I had been sober long before I went to bed.  I think it was exhaustion from all the play the day before, and I was emotionally raw and overwhelmed.

He helped me pack everything up and we left an hour earlier than planned because I just wanted to get home and be with Jack.

During the first half of the ride it was uncomfortably quiet.  Finally I couldn’t stand it and just asked him point blank if he still wanted to be together.  He admitted that he didn’t, and that he couldn’t meet my relationship requirements.  I said that it was better this way, and that clearly we were not right for each other.  I wished out loud that he had said something before the weekend, to which he replied that he ‘just wanted us to have a nice weekend together’.

“Well, it WASN’T” I stated flatly.  I felt like telling him that I could think of at least half a dozen people offhand that I would have rather spent the time with, but it’s just as much my fault for not writing him off last week when I had the chance.

“I hope things aren’t awkward” he mentioned “since we will probably see a lot of each other”.

“We’re adults Varick, I am sure we can handle it” I replied.  It’s somewhat unfortunate that we have so many mutual friends in the community, but as I said, we can handle it.  Or at least I can, we shall see about him.

I dropped him off at his place and we hugged uncomfortably before saying goodbye.  I drove towards home, and I cried bitterly because even though I shouldn’t feel replaced, I do.  I also felt rejected, even though I had initiated the sequence of events on Tuesday.  I was angry that I had spent even ONE moment of the weekend feeling awkward over him.

Jack and V and the kids were out, and I didn’t want to be alone just then, so I went to Nia’s.  She hugged me and listened while I explained what had happened.  We talked about communication and how irritating it is when other people don’t seem to get it.  I had wanted to give him the opportunity to prove that he wanted what I wanted, and instead he made up his mind that it was over and then drug it out through our time together.

When I got home I packed some things inside, put away groceries, cleaned the cooler, and then had a long shower.  Jack and V and the kids arrived shortly after I finished, and we had supper together before putting kids to bed and then renting Shortbus.  If you haven’t seen it, and you are into sexually explicit drama/comedies, it’s worth seeing.  I really enjoyed it.

Eventually it was just Jack and I in bed together.  I cried some more, and then we fucked.  It was rough and hard and exactly what I needed.  When I eventually orgasmed, with his hand cupped firmly over my pussy, I wept again from the intensity of it.  I don’t think I’ve ever cum that hard.

Afterwards Jack and I cuddled and I thanked every diety I know for what I have with him.  I often question why I struggle through these extra relationships when I don’t have to.  Why do I subject myself to the upset and the potential for pain when I could stay home and be with someone who will love me forever?

I am addicted to the good parts I suppose.  The payoff can be beautiful, and because each time I make a connection with someone I learn something new about myself and about the world.

Finding the value in all things is vital to survival.  I am glad for what I learned from Varick.  I gained some personal clarity regarding the sort of relationships I am interested in, and I think it will be a great while before I get tangled up with someone so immature and inexperienced.  As Jack said to me last night, while he held me so tight and lovingly touched my black and blue rear end, I need to stop looking for a ‘project’ and start demanding partners who already have their shit together and know who they are and what they want.

Even though it really is better that we’ve ended things, I am still mourning the loss of a regular play partner.  It was lovely to be able to indulge that part of myself and experience some things I had been wanting to try.  I hope it won’t be too long before I have the opportunity again.

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Yesterday morning Nia came over to watch the young ones while V and I went shopping with Varick.  More specifically, to a leather store, in the hopes of finding him some suitable fet wear for this weekend.

That earthy smell of tanned animal skin nearly knocks you over at the door.  I just love that smell, because I generally associate leather with bondage, which I associate with being beaten on, which makes me happy.

V wandered off to try on some jackets while Varick and I looked over the leather pants.  I picked out a couple of pairs and sent him to try them on.

He was a good sport, and I must have made him put on half a dozen pairs of them.  None of them fit right, which isn’t too surprising since (A) it wasn’t a fet wear store per sae (B) he is shorter and really slender.  Not shorter as in shorter than me, but shorter as in shorter than most males.  Plus the cut of the leather pants was designed to provide comfort while riding a motorcycle, not for prancing around at kink events.  They were too big in the ass, or too loose in the thighs, or whatever else.  It was disappointing.

We gave up and decided to grab lunch before we dropped him off and went home.  There was a really cute little cafe where we stopped for a bite.  I could tell that V was less put off by him than she had been the first time they met, which was a relief.  I really appreciate having her support and encouragement while he and I work at sorting ourselves out.

Nothing heavy was discussed, and although he wasn’t his ‘usual self’ he certainly was a lot better.

Tonight we are going to Forbidden, and I am really excited.  Yesterday V and I stopped by Wal-Mart so I could pick up a few things for camping.  Such as bug repellent and a set of mini speakers for the iPod so that we can have music out in the woods.  I am charging up my phone, camera, and GPS in preparation.  This morning Jack helped me lug one of my big storage lockers, full of bondage gear and the like, down from our room and into the back of the van.  According to Varick, Deja has a number of items on the list to teach him this weekend, so in his words, I am in for ‘quite a workout’.

Later today I am picking up groceries for camping.  Varick just told me to get whatever I liked and he’d split the cost with me, so I have a rough meal plan figured out which should suit him just fine (he’s a tad picky that one).  I’m going to ask him to pitch in for gas as well, since I am bringing ALL the equipment.  I am also seriously suppressing my usual penchant for feeding everyone within five miles.  Usually I bring enough food for 30 people, but I have promised myself that I will only bring reasonable quantities, and only as much as I think Varick and I will eat in two days.  You have no idea how difficult this is for me, since I often like to make extra in case people wander over to be fed.

At any rate, this weekend should give me a much better idea as to where things are going with Varick and I, if anywhere.

I won’t be posting this weekend, but I am taking my phone, so I shall see about Twittering as much as I can.  I will probably be tied up a good portion of the time there (both literally and figuratively) but I shall do what I can to keep you all posted!

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So, last night as Nia and I are driving to the pub where the munch is held, my phone starts ringing. Varick’s ringtone is currently Hot N Cold by Katy Perry, because the first line “You change your mind like a girl changes clothes” pretty much sums up my perception of him recently. If you are not familiar, go download it here, for free!

Anyway, I knew it was him, so I answered and he was all “Hey, are you coming to the munch tonight?” and I said that I was, and that I had just pulled into the parking lot. Nia saw him and said “Oh he’s cute” as we were getting out of the truck.

“Yup, he is, fuckin asshole” I said under my breath with a chuckle. He strolled over and I introduced them. Then he turned to me and asked if I was planning to give him a hug. I obliged, although it felt awkward, and it didn’t include any kissing because I pulled away quickly.

We all sauntered into the pub and headed to the room where the group always meets. Greetings and hugs were exchanged with many people, and then the three of us sat down at a table together.

“I was thinking we should discuss the camping trip this weekend, and what all we have to bring” Varick said to me. I just nodded and shot Nia a glance. She sort of smirked knowingly.

Since she and I hadn’t seen each other in almost two months, we spent a good part of the evening swapping stories, while Varick listened. He kept touching my leg under the table or running his fingertips up my side. I basically ignored his attentions, and he seemed to get the hint after an hour or so and abandoned his attempts.

Later into the evening, while Nia was having a conversation with this other nice pair of people, Varick looked at me and asked what was going on. I told him that I needed to talk to him but now was not the time. He looked a little nervous and asked what he’d done wrong.

“We will talk about it later” I said, not wanting to get into it right there at that moment. A short time later we were all outside, and Nia was all “Uh, I think I am going to take a walk…over there!” and she wandered away. I wanted to tell her to stay so that I wouldn’t have to get into it with Varick, who was looking at me expectantly.

Getting started wasn’t easy, but once I stumbled through the first few sentances, I managed to spit out exactly what I wanted to say. I told him that I had been disappointed with the way that he acted when he came over the day I got home from America.

“You KNOW I have a really hard time around new people though” he said, referring to meeting V that evening. “You should know that I was just feeling awkward.”

“But I don’t know that Varick. I mean, I know you have anxiety in social situations, but I don’t know you well enough to always accurately interpret your behaviour. You’re so difficult to get close to, I can only figure out what your actions mean based on my own perceptions.”

He seemed to get what I was saying. So I continued on, telling him that I want to be with someone who is interested in my life and who cares about what is going on with me. He admitted he was pretty crappy about that sort of thing.

I also mentioned not knowing where I stand with him, and that I need him to be more forthcoming with his feelings. I told him that I know it’s hard to be vulnerable, because I have a real struggle with it too. He was looking at the ground by this point, his jaw was clenched and he looked like he was on the verge of tears.

So he does have feelings after all, he just suppresses the hell out of them, but I seem to have found the key to opening that door (and it actually didn’t have anything directly to do with me).

I asked him if he wanted to break up, and I told him that I had intended to end it that evening. If he hadn’t grasped how serious I was, he did then.

“I don’t want to break up” he said softly. “I know you want an answer about where we stand, but I think I need some time to figure myself out.”

During the course of the conversation I also found out that he has never had a serious relationship before. He’s even LESS experienced than I though, and I get the impression he’s never been in love. Good Gods what am I getting myself into.

As the conversation came to a close he said he had a lot of things to think about. He seemed to be feeling really dejected, and it took everything in me not to coddle him and take it all back. I generally do not enjoy inflicting discomfort on people I care about (if I don’t care about them, well, that’s another thing, LOL) so it was hard to see him like that.

When we were saying goodbye he asked me for a hug, which I gladly gave him. Then he asked if I was expecting him to kiss me.

“I only want you to kiss me if you WANT to kiss me” I said. So he did, and then he pressed his forehead against mine and sighed softly. We stood like that for a moment, and then hugged again, and kissed again, and then went our separate ways.

We are still going to Forbidden this weekend, and I know it will be a good experience. This is our first ‘big heavy’ relationship talk, so if we make it, I think we’ll be fine for a while. If we don’t, well then that is as it should be. Once he’s had some time to figure his shit out, we can discuss it some more. While he is doing that Jack suggested I decide specifically what I want in this relationship so that I can spell it out for him. Since he has no idea what he is doing, just trying to muddle through could prove frustrating. Plus if I lay it all out now he can decide if he wants the same/similar things from this.

Perhaps I am foolish to give him any opportunity to prove himself, but honestly, I don’t think it’s a matter of him being a dick, I think he just has NO freakin idea how to act in a relationship. The conversation we had last night was revealing in a number of ways, and I get the sense that he really does care for me in some capacity.

Despite the potential weirdness, I am really looking forward to the weekend! Hopefully I can get Varick or Deja to take some photos of our play (or just my bruises) for posting once I get back, but no promises

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