Stiletto Diaries

So, last night as Nia and I are driving to the pub where the munch is held, my phone starts ringing. Varick’s ringtone is currently Hot N Cold by Katy Perry, because the first line “You change your mind like a girl changes clothes” pretty much sums up my perception of him recently. If you are not familiar, go download it here, for free!

Anyway, I knew it was him, so I answered and he was all “Hey, are you coming to the munch tonight?” and I said that I was, and that I had just pulled into the parking lot. Nia saw him and said “Oh he’s cute” as we were getting out of the truck.

“Yup, he is, fuckin asshole” I said under my breath with a chuckle. He strolled over and I introduced them. Then he turned to me and asked if I was planning to give him a hug. I obliged, although it felt awkward, and it didn’t include any kissing because I pulled away quickly.

We all sauntered into the pub and headed to the room where the group always meets. Greetings and hugs were exchanged with many people, and then the three of us sat down at a table together.

“I was thinking we should discuss the camping trip this weekend, and what all we have to bring” Varick said to me. I just nodded and shot Nia a glance. She sort of smirked knowingly.

Since she and I hadn’t seen each other in almost two months, we spent a good part of the evening swapping stories, while Varick listened. He kept touching my leg under the table or running his fingertips up my side. I basically ignored his attentions, and he seemed to get the hint after an hour or so and abandoned his attempts.

Later into the evening, while Nia was having a conversation with this other nice pair of people, Varick looked at me and asked what was going on. I told him that I needed to talk to him but now was not the time. He looked a little nervous and asked what he’d done wrong.

“We will talk about it later” I said, not wanting to get into it right there at that moment. A short time later we were all outside, and Nia was all “Uh, I think I am going to take a walk…over there!” and she wandered away. I wanted to tell her to stay so that I wouldn’t have to get into it with Varick, who was looking at me expectantly.

Getting started wasn’t easy, but once I stumbled through the first few sentances, I managed to spit out exactly what I wanted to say. I told him that I had been disappointed with the way that he acted when he came over the day I got home from America.

“You KNOW I have a really hard time around new people though” he said, referring to meeting V that evening. “You should know that I was just feeling awkward.”

“But I don’t know that Varick. I mean, I know you have anxiety in social situations, but I don’t know you well enough to always accurately interpret your behaviour. You’re so difficult to get close to, I can only figure out what your actions mean based on my own perceptions.”

He seemed to get what I was saying. So I continued on, telling him that I want to be with someone who is interested in my life and who cares about what is going on with me. He admitted he was pretty crappy about that sort of thing.

I also mentioned not knowing where I stand with him, and that I need him to be more forthcoming with his feelings. I told him that I know it’s hard to be vulnerable, because I have a real struggle with it too. He was looking at the ground by this point, his jaw was clenched and he looked like he was on the verge of tears.

So he does have feelings after all, he just suppresses the hell out of them, but I seem to have found the key to opening that door (and it actually didn’t have anything directly to do with me).

I asked him if he wanted to break up, and I told him that I had intended to end it that evening. If he hadn’t grasped how serious I was, he did then.

“I don’t want to break up” he said softly. “I know you want an answer about where we stand, but I think I need some time to figure myself out.”

During the course of the conversation I also found out that he has never had a serious relationship before. He’s even LESS experienced than I though, and I get the impression he’s never been in love. Good Gods what am I getting myself into.

As the conversation came to a close he said he had a lot of things to think about. He seemed to be feeling really dejected, and it took everything in me not to coddle him and take it all back. I generally do not enjoy inflicting discomfort on people I care about (if I don’t care about them, well, that’s another thing, LOL) so it was hard to see him like that.

When we were saying goodbye he asked me for a hug, which I gladly gave him. Then he asked if I was expecting him to kiss me.

“I only want you to kiss me if you WANT to kiss me” I said. So he did, and then he pressed his forehead against mine and sighed softly. We stood like that for a moment, and then hugged again, and kissed again, and then went our separate ways.

We are still going to Forbidden this weekend, and I know it will be a good experience. This is our first ‘big heavy’ relationship talk, so if we make it, I think we’ll be fine for a while. If we don’t, well then that is as it should be. Once he’s had some time to figure his shit out, we can discuss it some more. While he is doing that Jack suggested I decide specifically what I want in this relationship so that I can spell it out for him. Since he has no idea what he is doing, just trying to muddle through could prove frustrating. Plus if I lay it all out now he can decide if he wants the same/similar things from this.

Perhaps I am foolish to give him any opportunity to prove himself, but honestly, I don’t think it’s a matter of him being a dick, I think he just has NO freakin idea how to act in a relationship. The conversation we had last night was revealing in a number of ways, and I get the sense that he really does care for me in some capacity.

Despite the potential weirdness, I am really looking forward to the weekend! Hopefully I can get Varick or Deja to take some photos of our play (or just my bruises) for posting once I get back, but no promises

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A summary of our Saturday, spent preparing for our week-long road trip can be found here and here.  I won’t bother going over everything that happened that day, but needless to say, our trip was off to an interesting start, LOL.

Sunday marked Day One of Shasta & V Do America.  We said our goodbyes and off we went, south of Calgary towards the Alberta/Montana border.

Neither of us had really driven into the states, so we didn’t know what to expect at the border. Fortunately the line up was fairly short, and we didn’t have to wait long. The cute customs officer was very sweet, and rather than search our trailer, they just gave it a quick scan and sent us on our way. It was a relief to be in and out of there without any trouble.

Cut Bank, Montana was the first stop of the evening, to see the World’s Largest Penguin. We wandered around looking for it, before finally stopping at a little casino to use the bathroom and ask where we could find said penguin. The bartender was kind enough to direct us and allowed us to use the facilities.

We found the penguin just where he said it would be. We parked the truck and trailer in the lot of an abandoned drive-in diner (you know, the kind with the car hops that came out to take your order). The penguin was indeed very large, as you can see from the above photos.

283. See the World’s Largest Penguin

That accomplished, and the sun going down, our next item of business was finding a place to sleep. Our GPS (nicknamed Mags) informed us that there was a camp ground nearby, and so we headed over there, only to find the supposed location populated by houses, and a hill.

Not sure what else to do, we drove east towards Chester, hoping to see a sign for camping. We did see a sign, although the facilities were not exactly what we had in mind. The ‘camp ground’ was basically a park in the middle of town, like a playground, with a grassy area. It was well after nightfall by this time, so we said to hell with it, parked, and set about putting our tent together. Thank gods we bought head lamps before we left Calgary.

There was a hole in the air mattress, and so we made up a bed the best we could, although we were seriously lacking for blankets. It had been so hot that day we didn’t think it would get too cold at any rate. In fact we didn’t bother putting the fly over the tent, so that the entire ceiling was open to the stars above.

167. Sleep under the stars

I heard a tiny meow outside, and decided to investigate, only to find a small kitten huddled next to a tree beside our tent. I approached slowly, V close behind me, but he started up the tree, and when I reached out to touch him, he spat and hissed furiously. So much for that. He was stuck up the tree and continued to cry until after we fell asleep, but there was nothing we could do (he did manage to get down on his own, I checked the next day).

I woke up in the wee hours, freezing to death, cuddled as close to V as possible. We were both curled up tightly, but there wasn’t much hope for sleep. It felt like the night may never end, and I don’t think that I really slept again until the sun began to rise and warm us up.

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On the morning of Friday, July 25th I found myself on the back of a motorcycle, headed east of Calgary towards Bragg Creek.  A friend of mine had offered to take me for a ride out to Elbow River, followed by lunch somewhere together.

Since I’d already seen the Elbow Falls, he took me a short distance upriver, to an area less frequented by tourists.  It was a gorgeous day, the perfect temperature for a ride in the country and basking by the river.

I took a few photos from down in the river valley, before we took a bit of a hike up the side to a sort of a ridge.

The following photos were taken from up on our perch above the river.  My friend had the good sense to bring a blanket, which he spread out on the grass for us.

We laid on our backs under the warm summer sun, and it felt like we had the world to ourselves for a while.  He ran his hands over my shoulders and gave me a massage, which was exactly what I needed after nearly four weeks with family.

After a bit of playful banter he stripped off his clothing and managed to coax me out of mine as well, with some persuasion (and plenty of foreplay).  It was magnificent being nude outdoors in the sunshine, in the company of a handsome and intelligent man who was quite set on making me cum.  I could feel the heat of the day on my bare breasts and belly while he played my body like the keys of a fine piano.

“Do you want me inside of you?” he asked, while I was lost in the afterglow of a wonderful orgasm.

“Yes” I sighed, while his fingertips traced lazy lines over my skin.

He settled himself between my thighs, and although we were on something of an unfortunate slope, we managed a fairly comfortable sort of entanglement.

He fucked me slowly, taking his pleasure from prolonging the experience.  I do adore a man who takes his time and really savors every moment as if he may never have sex again.  When he was close to climax he sped up, taking me hard and fast until he came with a groan and several ‘Oh-Gods!’

We remained there for a short while, touching softly, until we decided we were peckish enough to get dressed and head back towards the city.  I wish we could have spent the rest of the day there, or perhaps several of them, but one must take what they can get when it comes to such things.

He took me to a little diner for the best Montreal smoked meat sandwich I’ve ever had in CowTown.  Afterwards we sat outside enjoying the warm weather until he had to depart.  I hope it won’t be so long this time until I see him again, as our last get together was well over a year ago.

A series of bad directions on my part, and important appointments on V’s part left me somewhat stranded down on 17th ave for the better part of an hour.  It was strange being down there alone, only because I realised that I felt like I didn’t belong anymore.  My cell phone had died so I couldn’t even call LD to let him know I was running late.

Eventually I managed to hail a cab and arrived at LD’s late enough that he’d begun to wonder what had become of me.  It was lovely to see him, and we had a really nice visit before I dragged him into his bed and had my way with him.

After we’d gotten each other off, we gathered ourselves together and went out for Vietnamese food before V’s big going-away soiree later that evening.  LD knows where all the best sort of restaurants are in Calgary, and after we ate we caught a cab over to Marda Loop where everyone was meeting for the party.

It was a really great night, aside from running into Q, who never called me again after we fucked during the May long weekend.  He saw me in the pub and approached me, which resulted in several moments of very awkward conversation.

“Hey, how are you?”

“I’m good, how have you been?”

“I’ve been good.  So are you in town visiting?”

“Yup, just out for V’s send off party tonight.  She’s moving out to Toronto with me.”

“Oh, nice”

Then we stood there, uncomfortable, until we sort of wandered apart.  I did my best to completely ignore and avoid him for the rest of the evening.  He didn’t approach me again, much to my relief.

It was so much fun seeing everyone that night.  We stayed up late into the night, only making it into bed shortly before the sun began to come up. 

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I feel totally overwhelmed by the amount of writing I need to do to catch up with everything that has happened to me over the past week, so bear with me if it takes a while to get it all written.  Also, some of it may seem brief, since I am over a week ‘behind’ in terms of posts.

Anyway, here goes

On Thursday, July 24th, Jack and I drove down to the Calgary Farmer’s Market for the first of several list items I planned to get done that day.  Mission #1:  Ostrich meat!

The booth was easy enough to find, since I’d seen it there before. I decided to pick up ostrich jerky, since it’s ready to eat and because I love jerky.

It was quite tasty, and typically salty. I actually prefer it to beef jerky, and it has a nice texture.

369. Taste ostrich meat

Since we were at the market, and feeling a little peckish, I also had the opportunity to cross off an additional item:

87. Buy fresh produce at a farmers market

The raspberries were super delicious, and it didn’t take Jack and I long to eat them all.

From the market we headed downtown, where I dropped Jack off so that he could spend some time with P, while my pal X and I launched our RoboLoo-Cupcake-Tubby Dog Adventure!

Crave was the first stop of the evening, where I picked up a half dozen of thier extra yummy cupcakes, for myself and Jack and the kids.

Some of the icing got a little melty in the heat of the day, before I had a chance to take a photo. Melty icing certainly did not compromise their deliciousness however.

381. Eat a cupcake from Crave

While we were down in Kensington, X suggested we stop in this cool toy store and check it out. I could have spent a ton of money in that store, but I restrained myself and settled for a couple of boxes of mints. Yes, I said mints.

The bacon mints really ARE as horrible as they sound. If the smell isn’t enough to make you wretch, the flavour of a pigs ass full of toothpaste certainly will.

Fortunately Tubby Dog and Robo-Loo are close together, so it was easy to hit them both without having to struggle with parking on 17th Ave.

Robo-Loo (actually called Exeloo) is a glorified, automated, talking outhouse in Calgary. X told me about it ages ago and I’ve been obsessed with going there ever since.

You push a button to enter and a robotic voice welcomes you inside and informs you that you have exactly ten minutes to deposit whatever it is you need to. What happens after that, I have no idea, because I didn’t want to mess with the robot potty.

The robo-loo plays soothing music for your enjoyment while you empty your bladder. It dispenses toilet paper at the touch of a button, and even sprays its interior clean between uses.

I’ll admit I was a little nervous about getting trapped in there, since the door is automated, but all was well. Let me tell ya, if my bathroom sang and talked to me, I might not ever leave it.

377. Take a pee in the robot potty in Calgary

As we made our way up the block towards Tubby Dog, X informed me that there is a ritual one must observe when going to said eating establishment. Apparently shouting ‘TUBBY DOG’ progressively louder as you approach is an important part of the Tubby Dog experience.

If you have never been to or heard of Tubby Dog, it’s basically a hot dog joint for people who are entirely excessive. It’s a popular spot for street meat after a night of alcohol soaked debauchery. They play old school cartoons on a projector screen and the entire place smacks of retro goodness.

I ordered a Cheetah dog, because I love sauerkraut, and X went for the infamous A-Bomb, one of the most popular, and exceedingly messy dogs on the menu.

We grabbed our food to go, and wandered a couple of blocks away, to the front steps of a church. It was only then that we discovered we didn’t bring any napkins.

Somehow we managed to eat them without getting cheese and other toppings all over ourselves, quite the task to be sure.

452. Have a Tubby Dog

It was a lot of fun hanging out with X, since I haven’t seen him in a few months, and because he always has dozens of the most insane stories ever.

After I dropped him off at his lair, I picked up Jack and we headed back to where we were staying to drink some wine and eat some cupcakes and giant bird jerky. It was pretty much a totally perfect day all the way around.

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I know you may be getting tired of photos, but tomorrow V and I depart on our cross-country journey through part of the United States, so there isn’t any time for an actual post. I am not sure how often I will have internet access during our trip, so I have other posts scheduled to keep you from getting bored, and I shall continue to update Twitter.

For now, some pretty pictures! You guys DID vote for more photos after all

*Title Courtesy Of My Spam Folder

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Moar Piktures!!!

*Title Courtesy Of My Spam Folder

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352. Go to the Valley Zoo in Edmonton

This afternoon Jack and I loaded up the kiddos, and took a drive down to the Valley Zoo here in Edmonton. We hadn’t taken them there before, so this was a good opportunity for a family outing, in combination with crossing something else off of my list.

It was a hot day here, so a lot of the animals were snoozing, but I still got a ton of great photos.

My favorite part of the zoo was the guinea pig enclosure. I swear there were around 100 of the little rodents running loose in this big fenced area, with tons of places to hide and play. It was one of the coolest things ever.

Anyway, here are a bunch of pictures I took. Scroll over each for captions.

The kids had a wonderful time, especially in the petting zoo and running through various sprinklers around the grounds. We had supper at the food court, and stopped by the sea lions and reptile room before heading for home. We all had a really great afternoon at the zoo, and I am so glad we decided to go.

All of the heat these last few days resulted in an incredible thunder and lightning storm here this evening, which I was watching while I uploaded my photos. The sky opened up and a downpour began, Jack and I watched from indoors while sipping some really nice Shiraz we picked up the other day.

Suddenly it occurred to me that it was the perfect opportunity to accomplish something else on my list! I led Jack outside and had him sit down on one of the deck chairs. I coaxed his cock out of his shorts and then flipped up my skirt and sat down on his lap.

We fucked outside while the thunder boomed overhead and the lightning lit up the sky. We were soaked through from the rain, although fortunately it was still fairly warm. He gripped my hips hard while I rocked and bounced on his cock, keeping an eye out for neighbours who might have come outside to check out the storm.

They would have seen a lot more than dark clouds and flashes of light!

When we were finished we dashed back into the house, giggling and short of breath.

216. Have sex in the rain

Mmmmmmm that was one of the most enjoyable list items thus far I love that it was spontaneous and impulsive. Even better in many ways than pre-planned list item fulfillment!

Sadly, I have no photos of that to share

Tomorrow we are headed to Calgary for the days leading up to my road trip with V. There are around half a dozen items I can cross off while I am back in the city, and then another six or so which I will be doing during our cross-country adventure, so plenty of bucket list goodness and other fun adventures to come!

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I can’t exactly recall when I initially heard about the traveling exhibit known as Body Worlds, but I’d pretty much forgotten about it until Jack and I caught part of a documentary on the procurement and processing of bodies used.

Perhaps it’s curiosity with the morbid, or my fascination with the inner workings of the human body, but I decided to add it to my bucket list, in the hopes of catching it when it passed through Toronto at some future juncture.

As it worked out, Body Worlds happened to be at the Telus World of Science Center here in Edmonton during our visit, and after discussing it with Jack, we decided to take it in while we were in the neighbourhood.

Tickets were purchased and printed, and off we went, looking forward to some time to ourselves (no we did not bring the kiddos) as much as we were anticipating the display itself.

The first rooms of the exhibit felt crowded, although it was only a matter of waiting a few moments until you could edge close enough to the displays. There were glass display cases in the center of a hall-like room, filled with limb pieces (hands, feet, etc) which had been plastinated. On the sides of the room there were large banners with information on them regarding how society has depicted death in art and literature throughout the history of man.

The plastinated individuals were fascinating, and perhaps a little unnerving to examine. The latter reaction was a result of reminding myself at every display that once this individual was living, breathing, with family and friends and a story of their own. It’s easy to disassociate them from people, but that’s what they were at one time, and still are really, and I think it adds to the experience if you remember that.

We lingered at one display, called The Smoker, which shows quite clearly the effects of smoking on ones lungs. Jack gave me a bit of a scolding look, since he knows I am still apt to smoking socially (I was a regular smoking from 12 - 19) as I wrinkled my nose over the sight of the blackened organs.

I know, it’s horrible for me, and that certainly hits home when you get a good look at around five pairs of tar-laden lungs.

Further into the exhibition there was a small, separate room, devoted to the beginnings of life, although framed in death. Embryos at each week of development (there was a gap between week 10 and week 16) were on display in tubes and glass boxes. I had actually never seen anything like it. An embryo, only the size of a kidney bean, already has visible hands, feet, and eyes. A man standing across from me audibly gasped when he looked closely enough to see this. That particular specimen was only seven weeks along at the time of its preservation.

The somewhat infamous Reclining Pregnant Woman was also on display in that particular area. She died of a terminal illness somewhere around the 8th month of her pregnancy, and her baby could not be saved.

“The baby had already turned*” Jack murmured behind me, while we looked over her skinless figure, the walls of her abdomen cut away so that you could clearly see the infant inside of her.

Of all the things we saw that day, it was the only display that disturbed me.

My favorite piece was The Horseman. Perhaps because I love horses and spent so much of my young life around them, and it was of particular interest to me to have an opportunity to examine the muscle structure and the enormity of their lungs and other organs.

The entire exhibit was really incredible. Jack and I both enjoyed it a great deal, and I’m very grateful that we were able to catch it during our time here in Edmonton.

432. See the Body Worlds exhibit

After we finished at the Science Center, Jack took me for lunch at one of our favorite Edmonton restaurant chains, Tokyo Express.

We sat near a window and enjoyed some dumplings and our rice bowls. I always order the salmon bowl, and Jack always orders the teriyaki chicken bowl.

It was really wonderful to have some time together after being apart for so long.

After our late lunch he drove me down to Whyte Ave and we sauntered into Lush to pick up a few things. I needed another hunk of Ice Blue soap for my dreadlocks, and Jack wanted to pick up a massage bar or two. We browsed a bit, and after I found my soap, we also bought a Soft Coeur massage bar, and a Therapy massage bar, which came with a free tin (when you buy two). We totally loved the Wiccy Magic Muscles bar we bought a couple of months back, it was wonderful for sore muscles, so I am looking forward to trying out these new ones.

We grabbed some cold drinks at Second Cup before heading back to where we are staying.

Later that evening, around dusk, Jack suggested we take a drive together. The kids were in bed and we had a pair of willing sitters to watch over them while we went out (thanks mum and dad). I love going driving with Jack, and we always have great conversations in the car.

He did something very sweet, and took me back to the spot where he proposed to me, almost seven years ago.

It’s a tucked-away spot, with a fantastic view of the river, and some of the bridges. We stood there on the edge of the valley for quite some time, talking quietly and kissing some. What a perfect ending to a wonderful day together.

I am hoping we’ll get in another ‘adult outting’ or two before I depart on my road trip with V.

Also, in case anyone was curious, yes we have totally been fucking like bunnies ever since he arrived

*In preparation for birth, most infants turn upside down, their heads dropping into the pelvis to facilitate delivery.

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This small collection of photos was taken inside the gardens of the Calgary Zoo:

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14 days and counting…

Jack and I haven’t been apart this long since before we were married.  When we were dating sometimes we went weeks.  Not by choice of course, but I was living eight hours away, and I could only take so much time off work to fly out to see him.

All these years now and still, we can hardly stand to be separated for more than a few days.  In fact, even a few days is pushing it.

We miss each other a great deal right now.  I go to bed thinking of him.  Thinking that the faster I go to sleep, the faster it will be morning.  One morning closer to when I see him again.  One less night I have to spend alone.

I feel like I’ve settled into a state of grudging acceptance that it will be yet another five days before he gets here.  I am not lying about, pining for him, nor am I distracted enough to forget his absence.  I’m just…waiting, and making the best of my time here in the hopes that it will pass quickly.

It’s nearly 1am and this is the first quiet time I’ve had all day to reflect and write.  The inability to capture my thoughts in words during the days I’ve been out here has nearly driven me to the brink of insanity.  Writing is my outlet, and so many times during these two weeks I have ached to put my feelings to paper.  Stealing enough time to clear my head and do so has proven impossible, which also explains the lack of significant entries.

Hopefully the second half of my month proves more conducive to such things.

20 days is 19 days too long.

Perhaps Jack is not only my best friend, husband, and lover, but also my muse.  It seems as though being separated from him leaves me to distracted to weave the contents of my mind into anything meaningful.  I look forward to having his arms around me again, and to kissing his lips and feeling his skin against mine.  I miss his touch, and his laughing hazel eyes, and the way that I feel when I am with him.

I am off to bed, because the faster I go to sleep, the faster it will be morning, and I will have one less lonely night to endure without him.

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