Zithromax For Sale

I Like Boys Who Play The Guitar, And Pray

Posted on June 3rd, 2008 in Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

Stupid boys with their stupid boy penises! I've been flipping back and forth between angst and contentment when it comes to Varick.  Basically it seems that I feel content when I talk to him, and then angsty when I talk to Deja.  I adore her, and she's a good friend to me.  She only wants both he and I to be happy, but poly is a foreign concept to her, and sometimes her delivery when it comes to advice leaves much to be desired.  She and he are friends so I suppose I wonder if perhaps she knows things about him that she doesn't tell me.  Today she told me to remember that he's just starting to get out into the world and wants to 'explore' which I'm sure really means 'play the field'.  I'm ok with that, really I am, I do not expect monogamy or any sort of serious commitment from him.  However, her quasi-negativity over the future of this relationship does feed into some of the not very nice things I occasionally tell myself. I was talking to Padmeabout it today on the phone and I mentioned to her that if Deja was not part of the picture, and I was only going off the signals I've gotten from Varick, I would feel pretty good about how things are going.  I mean obviously, if I am inclined to invite him to my home, and to commit to spending more time with him, I must see something there.  Padme advised me that if Deja doesn't want to be stuck in the middle should things go to hell, she should probably stay out of the middle now as it were.  I know that I am mostly to blame, since I generally initiate conversations with Deja about Varick, and so I'm going to stop doing that.  If she brings him up, I shall gently change the subject, or just tell her that I'm not inclined to discuss it.  I don't want to alienate her, but at the same time, I have a hard time taking her with a grain of salt. I wanted to see if perhaps she was hinting that I should just end it with him, so I let on that I was thinking of calling it all off.  She seemed upset by this idea and told me not to tell him that we had spoken of it and to go with the flow.  Well 'go with the flow' is simple enough advice, but it can be difficult when it comes to matters of the heart.  I've never been particularly skilled at sitting back and letting things take their course.  I'm a planner!  I need to be able to predict, at least vaguely, where things might be headed.  I don't have a crystal ball, and I tend to cope well when plans change, but having absolutely no clue where I stand with someone?  Not something I can do. That's really what bothers me the most I guess, having no clue what his intentions are, or ideas about what he wants from me.  I mean I hadn't exactly predicted that we'd end up hitting it off and then becoming sexually involved so quickly.  All I knew was that he wanted someone to practice on, and generally I'm up for a good beating, so I volunteered.  Now we've only been together a few times, but I can already predict very certainly that if I keep seeing him, I'm going to fall for him.  The seeds have already been planted.  If that's going to be a problem for him, best to nip it in the bud now, before they have much of a chance to take root. Perhaps he wasn't expecting any of it either and that's why he became so overwhelmed on the weekend, but I don't know that for sure.  I felt like him feeling vulnerable with me was a good sign, but I don't really know for sure. What it comes down to is that I want to know where he feels this might be going, if anywhere.  If he just wants something super casual, I'll have to decide if I can be ok with that too.  If he's not sure at all, we can discuss that as well.  It's really the NOT KNOWING that makes me batshit crazy. Once his desires have been reveled, the next big question will be what do I want from him.  I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'd like in a relationship, and I feel that over the months I've begun really compromising when it comes to what I'm looking for.  Out of frustration I think I've lowered my standards, and now I'm not certain how I feel about that. When it comes right down to it, I would ideally love to meet someone who is interested in dating long term.  Barring that, I'd like to date someone who is open to the possibility of long term but who isn't totally certain right off that they could do that in a poly arrangement. Now I find myself wondering if I can settle for being 'entertainment until something more suitable comes along'.  Do I want to be a friend with benefits?  I thought I did, but I don't think it really makes me happy.  Of course, it really depends on the person.  With LD, we were close friends and lovers, and I know at one point I was certainly starting to slide into being in love with him.  It didn't happen over night, and I suppose I never felt like I'd be replaced if he was seeing other people, because even if he got into a monogamous relationship, we would remain close.  I don't even have a friendship with Varick to fall back on, and I don't think that adds to the good feelings. If Varick just wants a play thing and a fuck buddy, can I do that and be happy?  I'm not sure.  It's a question I've begun to ponder.  Like I said, I don't want a commitment, nor do I want monogamy, but I'd like to know that he at least has intentions of continuing to see me and is perhaps open to the idea of a romantic relationship should it develop.  Is that unreasonable? I'm encouraged by the fact that other people more neutral and insightful than I have a good feeling about this situation.  Both Padme and Nia have commented that they think there is a lot of potential here for something awesome, and I know that they are right.  When I first became involved with one of my ex's neither of us intended for it to become a meaningful relationship, but over the period of a couple of months, that's exactly where we ended up.  It can certainly happen, and I feel like Varick enjoys romance and being spoiled and I love that sort of thing.  Honestly I feel like I am a really good girlfriend in many ways and that I have tons to offer men who might date me. I have to repeat that again because I think it's an important reminder when I feel this way: I am a really good girlfriend and I have tons to offer my partners. Really I know that I just need to force myself to initiate a conversation with him about it when I see him next.  I've been mulling over how I will open up the discussion, since that's really the most difficult part.  I think I'll just let him know that I wasn't prepared for things to go the way they have and that I'd like to know how he feels about where we are at and what he would like to see happen in the foreseeable future.  I'm going to make it perfectly clear that I do not want any sort of serious commitment, nor do I want monogamy from him, or any sort of fidelity for that matter.  I'd just like to know where we stand, so that I can decide for myself what to do next. I wish we'd talked more before we jumped into this.  I should have asked him what he was hoping to get out of us playing, and if he is even open to the idea of dating someone who is poly and already married.  Hindsight is always 20/20 that way.