It’s Just Another Phase That I’ll Go Through
Posted on May 5th, 2008 in Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
During a late-night conversation, Nelek and I came to something of a crossroads in our 'relationship'. Long after we had said goodnight I lay awake, pondering the direction I've been going in terms of polyamory and dating. "You have feelings for me" he stated, without any uncertainty at all. "What makes you say that?" I inquired, honestly unsure of how to respond, since it had sort of come out of nowhere "I can tell, by how you are with me, the way you act when we are together" Geeze, call me Miss Obvious. I need to work a little better on those emotional cloaking devices. The conversation went on and we established that while he certainly enjoyed my company, he's only interested in something very casual. I assured him that I am indeed fine with that, and that having feelings for him does not necessarily mean that I was looking for anything more than what we have. In fact trying for anything more, even if we both wanted that, would be an exercise in futility. As much as I like him, he's too young and inexperienced, and I'm too jaded and impatient. Those are only a couple of the reasons that dating him would result in a bitter break up. I can't control that fact that I care for him. I tend to easily care about people, even if I am not intimate with them, so it only makes sense that perhaps those emotions would be somewhat magnified in a sexual relationship. It's also worth pointing out that the current attachment is really just a whole lot of NRE/infatuation and not based on the kind of affection that is developed slowly, over time. Is it pointless for me to continue seeking casual relationships when I know that at least half the time I am probably going to develop feelings for the object of my lust? Perhaps it would be in my better interest to only seek persons who are interested in dating more seriously from the beginning, rather than trying to change the rules part way? Lack of time for secondary relationships was the main reason that I began shying away from them to begin with. I felt I was spreading myself too thin as it was, and that it was best to only date casually, avoiding any unrealistic expectations of commitment. That was a different time however, and now I am back at the point where I am confident I could take on a secondary and be able to give them adequate time and attention without overwhelming myself. That doesn't mean that I'm not also open to casual dating, I think I'm just beginning to miss having someone to spend time with regularly. At the same time, I've begun to wonder if I'm just being selfish? I mean, I already have a wonderful husband, great friends, everything else I could ever really need. Maybe I don't have any right to want more than that? Maybe I'm just being...greedy. See You Again by Miley CyrusPublished by Shasta
May 5th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Good morning Shasta,
I really enjoy all your posts but this one especially hit close to home for me probably because I’ve had similar thoughts and feelings when it comes to poly relationships with others. I am so glad that I have you to talk to about the poly because it helps me a lot.
I love that song by Miley Cyrus. Leia loves Hanna Montana and I’ve got so many of her songs including that one on the Ipod.
39 days and counting! Woot!
XOXO
padme amidala
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May 5th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
I care easily about people too. I find the pool of people availible to me tend not to be interested in anything quite as long term as I’m hoping for, but that doesn’t ruin me having a perfectly enjoyable time with them. Communication is key though, as I learned with Frank.
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May 5th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
it’s kinda ironic, my most regular gal and i had a convo about this just the other day. her line seems to be that she has folks she hooks up with regular for sexual reasons, and then friends whom she also has some degree of sexual intimacy with. the people she is not particulary interested in some kind of relationship with, she contacts only for the purposes of sex. the people who are friends and regular lovers are the people she keeps in touch with regularly. i think this kind of arrangement makes sense to me, but speaking as someone who has been on both sides of the things-getting-too-serious-for-someone’s-comfort-ratio, it’s never easy to find yourself in one.
i guess really that if you are feeling that you may be wanting more than something super casual, in general, in theory, that it’s better to be honest earlier rather than later. it’s not ever easy to break up over some potential, but at least talking frankly about it lets you both make an informed decision about it. if all you want now, with Nelek, is something casual in spite of feelings, then go for it. if you think you’ll eventually want more, you need to honestly tell him that.
it’s a sucky spot to be in irregardless
big hugs!
xo nia
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May 5th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
I get attached quickly, too. I’m very much an optimist and see what is good in people and latch onto it with both hands. Makes me a likable guy, I suppose, but sometimes I fail to see the truth about people as well.
I feel like you are better to have loved and lost than to have never loved, so I am trying to allow my feelings flow where they will. I’m an affectionate guy, and the world could always use more affection, from my perspective.
But then the real world kicks in and reminds us that there must always be balance. The tricky part is that the balance keeps moving. I think it’s worth the effort to find that balance, maintain it, and try to create another place of joy and happiness for yourself and those you care for.
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May 6th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Is it being greedy to want a little bit of everything that life has to offer? I don’t think so. So long as you’re happy and no one is getting hurt, I say that it’s all good. ^_^
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May 6th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
[...] Emoshunal Angsts, Let Me Show Them 2 U: http://shastagibson.com/?p=665 [...]
May 6th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Did you tell Nelek you had intentions of him being your secondary? Did YOU have those intentions? The way the conversation comes out, it seems like this was all intended to be something casual, not a full on relationship and now he’s freaking out thinking you might go all clingy on him. You’re a woman. You have feelings and emotions. You have a vagina. All of these things go hand in hand unless you’re a total slutbag ho afraid of opening your heart… like I used to be. Being a male he should know this shit.
I think I might just be too vanilla to fully understand the complexities of polyamory.
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May 7th, 2009 at 3:48 am
When men make statements such as that, it always gives me a great sense of unease. I really despise it actually. It really seems to me that he is just using you for the convenience and wants to establish that so he can toss of any responsibility. That is how men keep themselves detached so they don’t have to realize their own flightiness.
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