Stiletto Diaries

So, last night as Nia and I are driving to the pub where the munch is held, my phone starts ringing. Varick’s ringtone is currently Hot N Cold by Katy Perry, because the first line “You change your mind like a girl changes clothes” pretty much sums up my perception of him recently. If you are not familiar, go download it here, for free!

Anyway, I knew it was him, so I answered and he was all “Hey, are you coming to the munch tonight?” and I said that I was, and that I had just pulled into the parking lot. Nia saw him and said “Oh he’s cute” as we were getting out of the truck.

“Yup, he is, fuckin asshole” I said under my breath with a chuckle. He strolled over and I introduced them. Then he turned to me and asked if I was planning to give him a hug. I obliged, although it felt awkward, and it didn’t include any kissing because I pulled away quickly.

We all sauntered into the pub and headed to the room where the group always meets. Greetings and hugs were exchanged with many people, and then the three of us sat down at a table together.

“I was thinking we should discuss the camping trip this weekend, and what all we have to bring” Varick said to me. I just nodded and shot Nia a glance. She sort of smirked knowingly.

Since she and I hadn’t seen each other in almost two months, we spent a good part of the evening swapping stories, while Varick listened. He kept touching my leg under the table or running his fingertips up my side. I basically ignored his attentions, and he seemed to get the hint after an hour or so and abandoned his attempts.

Later into the evening, while Nia was having a conversation with this other nice pair of people, Varick looked at me and asked what was going on. I told him that I needed to talk to him but now was not the time. He looked a little nervous and asked what he’d done wrong.

“We will talk about it later” I said, not wanting to get into it right there at that moment. A short time later we were all outside, and Nia was all “Uh, I think I am going to take a walk…over there!” and she wandered away. I wanted to tell her to stay so that I wouldn’t have to get into it with Varick, who was looking at me expectantly.

Getting started wasn’t easy, but once I stumbled through the first few sentances, I managed to spit out exactly what I wanted to say. I told him that I had been disappointed with the way that he acted when he came over the day I got home from America.

“You KNOW I have a really hard time around new people though” he said, referring to meeting V that evening. “You should know that I was just feeling awkward.”

“But I don’t know that Varick. I mean, I know you have anxiety in social situations, but I don’t know you well enough to always accurately interpret your behaviour. You’re so difficult to get close to, I can only figure out what your actions mean based on my own perceptions.”

He seemed to get what I was saying. So I continued on, telling him that I want to be with someone who is interested in my life and who cares about what is going on with me. He admitted he was pretty crappy about that sort of thing.

I also mentioned not knowing where I stand with him, and that I need him to be more forthcoming with his feelings. I told him that I know it’s hard to be vulnerable, because I have a real struggle with it too. He was looking at the ground by this point, his jaw was clenched and he looked like he was on the verge of tears.

So he does have feelings after all, he just suppresses the hell out of them, but I seem to have found the key to opening that door (and it actually didn’t have anything directly to do with me).

I asked him if he wanted to break up, and I told him that I had intended to end it that evening. If he hadn’t grasped how serious I was, he did then.

“I don’t want to break up” he said softly. “I know you want an answer about where we stand, but I think I need some time to figure myself out.”

During the course of the conversation I also found out that he has never had a serious relationship before. He’s even LESS experienced than I though, and I get the impression he’s never been in love. Good Gods what am I getting myself into.

As the conversation came to a close he said he had a lot of things to think about. He seemed to be feeling really dejected, and it took everything in me not to coddle him and take it all back. I generally do not enjoy inflicting discomfort on people I care about (if I don’t care about them, well, that’s another thing, LOL) so it was hard to see him like that.

When we were saying goodbye he asked me for a hug, which I gladly gave him. Then he asked if I was expecting him to kiss me.

“I only want you to kiss me if you WANT to kiss me” I said. So he did, and then he pressed his forehead against mine and sighed softly. We stood like that for a moment, and then hugged again, and kissed again, and then went our separate ways.

We are still going to Forbidden this weekend, and I know it will be a good experience. This is our first ‘big heavy’ relationship talk, so if we make it, I think we’ll be fine for a while. If we don’t, well then that is as it should be. Once he’s had some time to figure his shit out, we can discuss it some more. While he is doing that Jack suggested I decide specifically what I want in this relationship so that I can spell it out for him. Since he has no idea what he is doing, just trying to muddle through could prove frustrating. Plus if I lay it all out now he can decide if he wants the same/similar things from this.

Perhaps I am foolish to give him any opportunity to prove himself, but honestly, I don’t think it’s a matter of him being a dick, I think he just has NO freakin idea how to act in a relationship. The conversation we had last night was revealing in a number of ways, and I get the sense that he really does care for me in some capacity.

Despite the potential weirdness, I am really looking forward to the weekend! Hopefully I can get Varick or Deja to take some photos of our play (or just my bruises) for posting once I get back, but no promises

Good Morning Peeps!

I just wanted to cover a couple of blog-related additions/tweaks I’ve made around here lately

First, you may have noticed a couple of daily posts recently called “A Little Birdie Told You”.  These are daily digests of my Twitter updates.  Why bother having them post every day when they already appear in the sidebar you might wonder?  Well for one because the sidebar only displays the most recent three tweets, so if you aren’t checking the blog several times a day, chances are you’ll miss some.  For another, because I now have my Twitter synced up with my phone, which means I can update it while I am out and about, which will really be more exciting during events like Padme’s trip out here, my nights out at Goodhandy’s, or my drive across the country with V.  Basically, even when I can’t sit down and blog, I can still keep track of what I am doing every day, which should also reduce the number of hiatuses I take here at SD.

The Twitter digests have their own category in the sidebar, under Daily Microblogging

Another interesting feature of adding Twitter to my phone, is that people can send me text messages without me having to give them my cell number.  Basically if you have a Twitter account, simply post a message in your update that begins with @ShastaGibson and it will come straight to my phone, even if we don’t follow each other.  If you don’t have a Twitter account, now it a great time to get one!

There was also that Password Mailing Listpost a couple of days ago, which was basically an explanation of how this password protection system was going to work, and a sign up sheet for people who want access to those posts.  This is working out very well so far.  I’ve done a test run of it, to make sure that the passwords were working for people and that no one could see any of the other e-mail addresses on the incoming messages.  Rest assured that your private information will remain totally confidential, and that you won’t receive any mail from me that is not directly related to a posts on this blog.

I will be posting ‘reminders’ every month or so, for the benefit of new visitors, or readers who didn’t sign up the first time, and who change their mind later on.  If you have already commented to be added, please do not comment again on these future posts regarding the mailing list.  Once is enough :)  The list is already 40 people long, so it will be difficult for me to keep track of who is added and who is not, which means if you sign up twice, don’t complain if you get two e-mails from me that say the same thing, LOL.

I also respectfully request that you not share passwords I send to you with anyone else.  Your significant other is one thing, but I’d prefer that you not send it to friends.  If I discover that too many people are entering the password (Wordpress has internal stats on such things) I will shut down the mailing list and password posts will only be open to immediate, real life friends.  If there is a password post that you think your friends would like to read, encourage them to come and get on the list.  When I send out new passwords, I generally include ‘retro’ passwords as well, for people who may have missed out on them previously.

I think that’s about it for now :)  If you have any feedback you wanna share about the site, navigation, widgets, etc, please feel free to share!  I appreciate thoughts and ideas that might make the blog more functional and easier to use/enjoy.

*Steven Meretzky