I Taste Like The Tears Of Sad Children
Posted on August 13th, 2010 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Migration Paths, Three's Company
As badly as I wanted to move back to Alberta, and as happy as I am to be here, for some reason I feel…not quite myself since we got here.
I haven’t been sleeping well, I’m edgier, more easily agitated, noticeably more negative in my attitude. I don’t feel like I have been handling things, stress in particular, as well as I usually do. I wish I could figure out why, or where this is coming from.
Aiden has noticed the difference in me, and sadly it’s led to a good amount of friction between he and I. He keeps asking me what he can do to make me happy, to get the old Shasta back, and I don’t have any good answers for him. It’s sort of funny that I spent so much time worrying about how he would adapt to living in Alberta, and yet, he seems to be getting along here better than I am.
Maybe I’m just tired. Tired of moving. Tired of never living long in one place. Ontario was the longest we’ve lived in one place in years, and I guess it finally felt like we were settling in somewhere, putting down roots. Part of me may be mourning that, the loss of what felt like our first real home.
I miss Ontario. I miss the humidity. I miss Aiden’s family (his mum in particular) and the friends I had made there. I miss LARPing, and camping in the gorgeous provincial parks. I miss the heat and the freedom from my pain-in-the-ass family. I miss the greyhound kennel.
For some reason I feel like it’s wrong for me to be sad about leaving there. At least, that seems to be the attitude of everyone here. Nobody seems to understand why I am sad to have moved. I love Alberta, but I loved Ontario too. I wish even one person understood.
Usually I take on a new house with all the enthusiasm of a kid at Christmas. I’ve painted, stained, and made beautiful in some personal way, ever place we have lived, except for this one. I can’t bring myself to care enough to paint, something that has already surprised a number of family members and friends.
“I’m surprised you haven’t painted anything yet!” my sister-in-law pointed out, during a recent visit to check out our new digs.
“To be honest, I haven’t the motivation to be bothered” was all I could really say.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE this house. It’s beautiful. The kitchen is gorgeous, and more space than I’ve had in ages. There is more than enough space for everyone. It’s a perfect fit. Mind you I probably would have chosen different bedrooms for everyone, now that we’ve lived in it for a month, but too late for that, so I guess we will make do with…less than ideal living arrangements upstairs.
I know I will readjust to living here, and that eventually the exhaustion of moving and the sadness of leaving a place that I really loved will dissipate. I just hope we don’t have to endure any more serious life changes for some time.
I miss “the old Shasta” too.