Polyamory And Things I Want To Gripe About
Posted on August 12th, 2009 in Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
It’s often easy to become frustrated with the world we live in. Global warming, Wal-Mart, and politics aside, there is the fact that the ‘lifestyle’ I chose to live is mostly unheard of, and probably light years away from social acceptance.
I’ve had this stuck in my craw for days, so I figured I might as well just get it off my chest. While I find polyamory challenging at times, for the most part it’s vastly rewarding, and I don’t know that I could ever properly go back to being monogamous. The desire for additional relationships will always be there, it’s been a part of me since I began dating. Certainly I could refrain from indulging it, but I can’t turn it off.
Unfortunately, there are still things about poly, or rather aspects of living an ‘alternative lifestyle’ that are difficult to bear at times. What are they, you ask? Well here is my short list of current gripes:
1. I’m not, generally speaking, the kind of girl you can take home to your mother, unless under the false pretense of being ‘just a friend’. I have not yet had the pleasure of dating a poly person who is out to their family, nor have I ever been introduced to the family of anyone I’ve dated. In many ways I’m saddened that I miss out on this particular aspect of my partners lives. I find people often act so differently when they are with their family of origin, you get to see a different side of them, and I never really get to experience that with the people I date. Likewise, I never get the opportunity to introduce them to any of my family. Last night, while I walked the dogs beside the lake as the sun was going down, I began to think about what it would be like if I could introduce my other partners to my mum. I hadn’t really thought about it much before, but now that I have, I’m disappointed that she could likely never accept them, or our relationship. Someday we may decide to come out to our families, especially if Jack or myself (or both of us) ever meet someone that becomes a part of our lives long-term, but I doubt she would ever support or condone it. More likely she would never speak to us again. Still, I wouldn’t want to keep a significant other a secret forever, especially if we wanted to co-habitate. How sad that we live in a world where romantic love must be limited to just monogamous relationships.
2. Most of the relationships I have with other partners are going to end. I mean certainly everything comes to an end, eventually, because we all die, but that’s not what I’m referring to. Basically I mean that for the most part the people I date do not, ideally, want to be part of a poly relationship of this type long-term. K, for example, eventually thought he might like to have children, and my baby-making days are over, which put me out of the running for baby mama. Now this doesn’t automatically have to be a deal breaker of course. He could always find another woman who wanted to have children, and was on board with our relationship (no easy task). Or he could have decided that having kids wasn’t important enough to him to warrant ending his relationship with me, and given up his dream of parenthood. Last but not least, he could stay in a relationship with me until a monogamous procreating opportunity came along, and then I get the “I hope we can still be friends” talk. For obvious reasons that last option is the least appealing to me, but generally what I perceive to be the most likely outcome. It sucks of course. I wish I could meet more men who don’t mind the idea of a long-term poly relationship. Perhaps we can’t legally get married, but it’s just a flippin piece of paper! I should think that an emotional commitment and perhaps a nice hand-fasting ceremony could prove adequate. Jack and I are not opposed to having additional partners move in with us, should the relationship progress to the point where we all want that.
To me it seems simple. I’m certainly not implying that my partners should be monogamous with me, or should not seek out other partners, I just don’t want to be the one always getting her heart crushed when they take an interest in someone who is not poly or who is not interested in being poly. Then they have to chose and guess who is going to get the raw deal there? This hasn’t happened to me a ton of times, but it has been talked about. Kade said something to me recently that was particularly troubling. When we were talking about emotional investment in this relationship he said something to the effect of “What good would it do me to fall in love with someone who is already married?” which stung more than I let on. Clearly I am not what he is looking for when it comes to life partners, which is probably why I’ve felt less and less like investing in a relationship with him. He’s already decided that he doesn’t want to develop significant feelings for me because what he REALLY wants is monogamy. Why should I even bother getting attached when it’s only a matter of time before he finds a more…suitable partner and then he and I break up?
Aiden, on the other hand, has never said anything to that effect. Still, I wonder a little if he’s just settling for the time being. I know that right now this isn’t really his ideal long-term relationship, and that he would eventually like to find someone that he can have to himself, and perhaps spawn some offspring. I know that the chances of him meeting someone who doesn’t mind sharing are slim. Yet I don’t think giving up before you’ve even started is a successful way to go about things. There is also the fact that I can’t help but like him a great deal, and it would be foolish to throw away the potential for something really amazing, just because I’m afraid of getting my heart broken.
Someone asked me recently if poly is worth it, even when I know that there is a significant risk of being hurt every time I become involved with someone. I told them truthfully that yes, it’s worth it, even when I know that it probably won’t last forever. For one I am hopelessly in love with falling in love. For another I guess I will always hold out some hope that eventually one of them will decide that being with me is worth the long haul. I’m not holding my breath. Sometimes I think we only get that lucky once in life. Not just one, but two really fantastic men in my life to love and dote on? Yeah I guess I’m kind of greedy that way.
3. Ok I am pretty sure there are more, but number 2 stretched on longer than I intended, so I’ll have to save the rest for another post.
I’m not trying to be negative, I just needed to vent a suppose. I don’t generally find either of the above particularly troubling for the most part, but they’ve been really rubbing me the wrong way as of late. Poly is far from perfect, but for us, so is monogamy. Sometimes I just wish they were equally acceptable.
August 12th, 2009 at 11:57 am
One of the things I really enjoy about your posts like this on the poly lifestyle is that they bring to light aspects of poly that many people wouldn’t usually think about. There’s a lot to chew on there.
Reply To The Above Comment
Shasta
reply on August 12th, 2009 12:44 pm:
Shay,
Well thank you
I think at least initially, these are the LEAST of ones worries when it comes to poly. Once you settle into it though, the ‘little things’ that hadn’t perhaps meant anything before begin coming to the surface.
XO
Shasta
Reply To The Above Comment
August 12th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I hear you on number 2. I am currently dating in a really casual way so I’m ok with that reality of being a married poly chick…but I have had a long term relationship that just floundered and died, and when that was happening I was really feeling like I wasn’t getting the effort from my g/f that I would have gotten had there been a chance that we could be primaries to one another.
I think the sad reality of it all is that what you want and what you get are always going to be two different things when dating as a poly person. Cause you’re asking a lot of your non-husband partners, and even though everything might seems super cool, it’s very challenging to play so outside of the relationship norm that we’ve been fed since babies.
Reply To The Above Comment
Shasta
reply on August 12th, 2009 12:54 pm:
Red,
I know exactly what you mean. The effort just isn’t always there. Or you feel like they don’t regard it as a ‘real’ relationship.
You make a good point about asking a lot of additional partners. I suppose, were roles reversed, I might feel the same, I can’t say for sure. I do think there must be a way though, for everyone to be happy. I mean I really don’t mind if they have other partners to fulfill needs that I can’t possibly meet. I just wish that it didn’t (usually) have to come down to a choice between the ‘other woman’ and me.
Not getting what I want isn’t something I accept very easily so I suppose I’ll just keep at it until I find it or lose the will to live, whichever comes first
XO
Shasta
Reply To The Above Comment
August 12th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
I have come to the conclusion that both monogamy and poly are equally unsustainable. There is no perfection. Who is to say the quest for mono union for life is any stupider than poly unions? Not me anymore.
Reply To The Above Comment
Shasta
reply on August 12th, 2009 12:42 pm:
Sharon,
In life there is never perfection, only perhaps the hope of getting close. I would never say that striving for monogamy is stupid, although I don’t get the sense that you’re implying that I did. My primary wish is that poly was more widely accepted, so that we didn’t have to hide from our families, so that it isn’t such a struggle to let go of the ‘mono mindset’ that has been instilled in so many of us. Poly is NOT for everyone.
I don’t necessarily think that either are unsustainable, but perhaps a shift in our expecations of relationships is in order.
Thank you for commenting
XO
Shasta
Reply To The Above Comment
August 12th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
it /is/ hard being the other partner, knowing that you will always come second to the primary partner/spouse. i know with me i’m always on the lookout – though generally passively – for someone to be my number one. i do tend to hold some of myself back when i’m dating someone with a primary partner, b/c i know that if things change with them & either of them decides they want to take a break from poly i’m the one who’s going to be shown the door.
Reply To The Above Comment
Shasta
reply on August 12th, 2009 3:54 pm:
Nia,
Do you suppose they really HAVE to always come second? I mean, I’d like to think that as a ‘secondary’ relationship develops eventually it’s going to get to the point where both partners are of equal importance. At least if the ‘primary’ relationship people are open to that possibility, which I believe we are. I do think that if a significant other invests emotionally there should be a lot of consideration given to their feelings, because it’s not fair to treat them as though they are just disposable, or less important than the other two people in the relationship. Perhaps that’s just me.
You make an excellent point though
Thank you for your thoughts!
XO
Shasta
Reply To The Above Comment
Adam
reply on August 12th, 2009 10:22 pm:
Nerys and I have dealt with this one, too. We are discovering that the longer her “other” (boyfriend just sounds too trite) is around, the more of a stake in things he gets. And, I mind it less and less because the mutual respect is there. But there is the limit that comes with family. Some days we really want to “out” ourselves, too, just so we don’t have to exclude important people from other important people.
Reply To The Above Comment
Shasta
reply on August 13th, 2009 12:59 am:
Adam,
The older I get (don’t I sound sage at the age of *almost* 27) the more I realise that life is too short to go about living in hiding. Why would I want to keep somebody I love a dirty little secret?
If only our families could look at it that way.
As for the “other” getting more of a stake in things, I agree that it’s only fair, provided that respect abounds. I don’t feel comfortable with the idea that my additional partners will ALWAYS be ‘secondary’. In fact I hate the entire primary/secondary model of poly. it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I think of each partner as having the potential to eventually become another ‘primary’ in my life, but just as Jack and I did not get to where we are overnight, nor will it happen immediately with the other people I date.
Thank you for your comment
Always pleased to have you weigh in around here.
XO
Shasta
Reply To The Above Comment
August 12th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
also, with regards to coming out, do it before there’s someone you want to introduce to the folks. give them a chance to get used to the idea /before/ you bring someone home, or they may always treat that person as the one who convinced you to do this. seriously. i’ve been blamed for everything from making someone gay, to making them a vegetarian, to making them poly (okay that one /was/ all me). it makes meeting the parents extra awkward.
Reply To The Above Comment
Shasta
reply on August 12th, 2009 3:56 pm:
Nia,
I think I would wait at least until I was dating someone whom I felt had serious long-term potential. Then I would talk to my parents about poly, but allow for them to adjust before mentioning an additional partner. Really I may just have to wait until my kids are old enough to understand, in case the fallout is severe.
Agreed though, it’s kind of like waiting to bring up poly with your partner until you actually want to date someone specific, LOL.
XO
Shasta
Reply To The Above Comment
nia
reply on August 14th, 2009 4:30 am:
i can be the bad guy for you if you like. you can tell your mom i’m a poly-bisexual-slut first & see what happens so you can gauge her reaction
my ex-common law partner & i made the decision to come out our parents before we actually had kids, because we wanted it to be as normal as possible for them. we didn’t want the kids to feel pride walking with mom in the dyke march, then be told “don’t tell grandma & grampa”. i realise that already having kids makes the stakes higher for you, but you may well be surprised at the outcome. my prudish Roman Catholic mother now says things like, “i don’t think long-term monogamy is for everyone.” she knew vaguely that Pooh-Bear & i were in an open relationship, and that he at least was seeing someone else.
Reply To The Above Comment
nia
reply on August 14th, 2009 4:34 am:
i should mention too, that your kids are already queer positive, whether you realise it or not
while playing the game of life, Sadie decided to marry another girl because she thinks kissing a boy is gross, and your boy kidlet has teased me about someone being my girlfriend, as in “ooooh, is she your girlfriend? do you wanna kiss her?” it was pretty awesome <3
Reply To The Above Comment
Shasta
reply on August 14th, 2009 11:42 am:
Nia,
Isn’t she awesome? We’ve already talked to them quite a bit about how it’s ok for women to want to marry women and men to want to marry men. I love it how she always marries a girl when she plays that game. I think it’s fantastic that they are queer positive, and it reassures me that I am doing right by them (and now boy child believes in reincarnation, LOL).
I don’t think that it will be a stretch for them to understand poly. I don’t want them to have to keep it a secret though (because they really can’t for that matter). Plus I want them to be able to understand that many people will think it’s wrong, but that sometimes in life you have to go against the grain to make the best choices for YOURSELF.
I don’t think there is an easy or perfect way to go about any of this, but we shall do our best to handle it as well as we can manage. Hopefully my mother can come around to being as tollerant as yours.
XO
Shasta
Reply To The Above Comment
Shasta
reply on August 14th, 2009 11:47 am:
Nia,
You don’t need to be the bad guy! LOL
Besides, then she would blame you for corrupting me or something and hold a grudge until the end of eternity and I already have to deal with that when it comes to V. Not a fun show, let me tell ya.
I’m thinking I might try coming out to my Aunt before anyone else (the one that you met). Not in the immediate future, but I think she would be the most receptive, and perhaps she could help me in dealing with the rest of my family.
This is why I wish poly were more acceptable, or at least more widely heard of. It might not soften the blow, but at least is wouldn’t require a long and complicated explanation, LOL.
XO
Shasta
Reply To The Above Comment
nia
reply on August 19th, 2009 1:33 am:
i really must remember to bring up the coming out to kids issue when next i hang out with Effie. we had a really long awesome convo about first, second, whatevers, dealing with monogamous partners, negotiating emotional boundaries between partners (who are not romantically involved with each other), etc. it was pretty freaking awesome
also we had a relationship autopsy which was faboo, and went along with all the above.
anyways, i feel like this conversation has almost become its own post
so i’m going to bed. i miss you so much!!
Reply To The Above Comment
September 9th, 2009 at 10:35 am
[...] Then he decided we should go visit his mum and dad, who live very nearby. As I mentioned in this post, I’ve never been introduced to the parents of any of my poly partners before, so I was kind [...]