Sometimes I Need What Only You Can Provide: Your Absence
Posted on December 9th, 2009 in Made In Ontario, Mating And Relating, Photos, Polyamory
While I was tidying yesterday, I was rooting through a drawer, looking for the USB cord to my iPod, when I came across this broken ring. Initially I had planned to post only a photo of it, saying I had finally thrown it out, but that would really only mean anything to less than half a dozen people who read this, and would likely garner a lot of confused questions in the comments section.
I still very clearly remember the day that K bought it for me. We were at the Calgary Stampede, and while browsing a lot of gorgeous amber jewelry, he told me to pick something out and that he would get it for me. Our relationship was already on the downhill slide, but we’d had a wonderful day together, and I had really hoped that things were going to be ok. I decided on this ring, which originally had three stones, because it suited me and because I am kind of a sucker for lame symbolism (three stones and the whole poly thing, yes, I know, it’s stupid, leave me alone, LOL). I wore it everyday, even through the fights and the grand finale, right up until last April, when it broke. Oddly enough it broke almost exactly a year after I’d told K that I was finished, for the last time. We hadn’t spoken in a year, and yet, instead of tossing it out, I just looked at it for a while and then dropped it into a drawer.
Call me sentimental, or maybe just mental, but I felt like maybe I should hang onto it.
When I found it again yesterday, I indulged in a few moments of remembering the really good things about K, because regardless of how it ended, he did have a few redeeming qualities. It sometimes makes me sad that my dominant memories are generally not of the great times we had, but of the times he acted like a douche. I’m not sorry that I walked away, and I don’t miss him anymore, and I’m glad we were both able to move on and find more fulfilling relationships than the mess we were in together.
I turned it over in my hand a few times and remembered that day at the Stampede, and I smiled. Then I snapped a photo of it, and tossed it in the garbage.
I don’t feel like I need to keep it any more.
December 9th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Shasta, for some reason I’ve been finding your blog phenomenally compelling over the last couple of weeks! //unrelated
Good move to click a photo before throwing the ring out.
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December 9th, 2009 at 11:16 am
i am so incredibly proud of you lovebug
i know all the reasons that would have been harder to do, even a few months ago. so awesome to have moments like this, which show just how far you’ve come 
yeah you!!
xo nia
Reply To The Above Comment
December 15th, 2009 at 12:22 am
Good for you for tossing it babe. I remember you ran into it while I was still living there and you were unsure about what to do with it. I can relate to how certain things just hang around longer due to subconscious forces.
As Perakath said, good to have snapped that shot before saying “peace” though. Not all memories of him are negative, and those memories have contributed to your boundaries and the beautiful woman you are today.
I heart you.
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