I’ve been debating over this post for most of the day. Not the topic of it (as it has none thus far) but rather whether or not I would bother writing it. Blogging can be an interesting hobby. On the phone with Padme this morning we discussed how it often happens that one will find themselves either in the mood to write, with nothing to say, or with plenty to say and no desire to write it.
Today has been a little of both. Certainly I have things to blog about, but the want to has eluded me. Perhaps I can coax out my muse with a little wine.
Another contributing factor, although to a lesser extent, might be the fact that Nia reads this blog. I felt that keeping it from her was wrong, although I am not sure why. I’ve gone over this at least a half a dozen times with all of you, and yet it presents a dilemma to me every time. In this case, I decided to be open about it.
Which presents me another dilemma, can I really write honestly and openly about someone when I know they are going to read it? Would any of us have gushed about that boy in math class on the pages of our grade 7 journal had we known he was going to read it the next day?
I certainly wouldn’t have.
Luckily this isn’t grade 7 and I’m not nearly as careful about what I say or do in front of others. Still, when a ‘relationship’ or whatever we are doing might be called, is very new, laying all of your cards on the table could be a bad idea.
That said, I don’t see the point of blogging when I only reveal half-truths or nothing at all. Why be bothered? I’ve promised myself time and again that when I felt like I should blog about something, dammit I’m going to blog about it.
Nia’s visit here on Sunday was really wonderful. Even though neither of us is 100% healthy yet, we enjoyed snacking and writing our Christmas cards together. The kids absolutely adored her, and have already asked me several times when she can come back to visit again.
Jack was mostly engrossed in watching The Grey Cup, so she and I visited amongst ourselves and grumbled about what a pain in the ass Christmas cards are.
I certainly enjoyed her company, and I was very relieved that things were not the least bit awkward after the disagreement we had last week.
What disagreement you ask?
I’m not inclined to share details, but to put it simply Nia and I disagree on a specific issue that each of us feels rather strongly about. The discussion was not particularly heated, nor did it get mean or nasty, but I know it disturbed us both greatly.
What exactly this means is still unclear. She doesn’t know if she wants to date someone with my particular opinion, and while I certainly understand and respect that, I can’t help but be a tad discouraged.
It’s so very, very rare that I am attracted to women. Thus far it’s only happened a handful of times, which is probably why I’ve never dated a woman before. Generally the feelings either are not mutual, or there are other circumstances that prevent a real connection (such as distance). I’ve been sexually intimate with a couple of women, but that was not in the context of a dating relationship.
Basically, I have absolutely no idea what I am doing when it comes to pursuing women.
I dislike being all awkward and unsure of myself and part of me just wants to come out and ask Nia what exactly it is we are doing. Are we dating? Are we just friends? Is there any chance that this will be more? AM I BEING PSYCHOTIC?!?!??!
I feel dumb and out of my element. I’m not into labels, but at the same time I don’t want to run into the issue of mismatched expectations and ideas. I’ve done that dance too many times and it almost always ends badly for one or both of the people involved. I also don’t want to be investing the wrong kinds of emotions into our friendship only to end up being way off base.
Maybe I just need to stop being a freak, and allow it to be what it is.
This whole thing wouldn’t be nearly as difficult if I didn’t like her as much as I do. Yes, it’s early still and I know that I’m making way too big of a deal out if it all, but I haven’t really hit it off with anyone like this in a long time and I really don’t want to muck it up right off the start.
Anyway, there you have it, the happenings of the weekend and emotional angst all rolled in together. Go me!