Stiletto Diaries

I’ve never been a big believer in fate or destiny. I prefer the idea that I control my own life, direction, and future. However, I have to admit that I feel something larger than our own choice brought us out to Ontario. I just got a strange sense that this is where we were meant to be, and that the experience is serving some purpose in my life.

Very recently, Jack was offered the opportunity to take a job back in Calgary. Our move would be paid for, other costs of such a transition covered, and the assurance of a position for him upon our…um, re-arrival.

There would be a cost of course. The job in question would be less stable (read could be eliminated within the next couple of years). There would be a pay cut, and little to no opportunity for advancement. We would also have to give up the magnificent house we have here, and the eldest child would have to switch schools mid-year.

However, as Jack pointed out, this will likely be our only opportunity to go back in this fashion (with everything paid and a job at the other end).

You have no idea how badly a part of me wants to say yes. I miss Alberta; I miss my friends, my family, and the luxury of having a night away from the kids with my husband. When I think about the people we left behind…I just want to start packing boxes and booking plane tickets.

There is a larger part of me that knows that wouldn’t be the best choice. We are just beginning to get established here. There are so many things we have yet to see and do. Jack is going to take me to Ottawa and Montreal this year. We want to go camping up in the northern part of the province, and then there is the fact that V is getting geared up to move out here with us. Yes, if we moved back, she would be nice and close again, but not in the same house.

I just don’t think the time is right for us to leave Ontario.

*James P. Blaylock

Moving is a highly unpleasant experience. One that I don’t wish to repeat in the near future. Moving over 7 metric tons of our life from one end of the country to the other was an extreme exercise in patience and pushed us right to the brink of sanity. I think Jack and I came closer to killing each other than ever before, particularly because this was not one of those ‘happy’ moves. Like when we moved into our first house. It was so exciting, so long anticipated. This move was a mixture of bitter sadness, fear, and irritation.

Yes, there is also excitement, but it’s hard to be excited when you lock the door of your dream house for the last time. A house that I spent WEEKS making our home. It was our first house, we had planned to live there until our kids were grown (perhaps unrealistic but it was our dream anyway).

The new house is also awesome. However, it won’t feel like home until I get around to the painting and decorating and all the personal touches that give it that warm and familiar feeling. Right now I am still mourning. Still trying to let go of something that is no longer mine.

I don’t hate change. In fact I generally embrace it with passion, as stagnancy irritates me. I’m not ready for that yet. Soon I am sure, but not yet. This change is a difficult one, and those sorts don’t pass without at least a little emotional upheaval. Like having a baby or getting married, strain and fear of the unknown is to be expected.

There are some bright spots on the horizon. The Sex Show is coming in October and V is coming out for it. Jack and I are making plans to celebrate New Years Eve back home with friends. Before we know it I’ll be flying out to Calgary to help load up V’s life and drive out here with her. We will paint and decorate her room any way that she likes and then I shall want for nothing.

No, I am not relying on those things to get me through the next year. However, in my low moments I can think about them and it helps me feel better. Having a good attitude about this move is more than half the battle. Jack and I are leaning on each other and keeping up a brave front for the kiddos.

We’ve decided to get involved in a lot of things as soon as we can. Jack is going to join a sports team and I am going to join a gym. We also plan to travel around Ontario, get familiar with things, see the sights. Sitting around and thinking about what we left behind will only serve to make us miserable, so none of that.

I know things are slow here, I imagine they will stay that way for a little while as we get all settled in and sort ourselves out. I’m not ‘going on hiatus’ from the blog, simply posting less frequently for a while.

In the mean time, I found a really amusing blog called Steve, Don’t Eat It!* which is just like it sounds. A blog about a guy eating really gross stuff that he finds randomly at the grocery store (like pickled pigs skin). Sadly it hasn’t been updated since 2005 but what is there is good stuff, although gross.

*Todays post title provided by a quote from the website

I’ve decided not to change my timestamp for this website, since doing so could potentially effect all past entries, changing the dates of any which were written close to midnight ‘Calgary Time’. It’s not all that important at any rate, since I can manually change the times of each post so that it reflects the ‘GTA Time’ at which it was written.

Just thought I’d let you know.

One of the odd things that have occurred to me with moving to a different time zone (I’m now two hours ahead of my previous time zone).

Also, it’s very humid here. I feel sticky and sweaty all the time, and not in the sexy way. Generally I love hot, humid weather. However, when it’s night time I like things to cool off. Dropping only 10 degrees from The Pit of Hell to The Sahara Desert does not constitute cooling off in my books. We don’t have air conditioning (yet!) and I am interested to see how long I can stand it before I start hallucinating and talking to my house plants as if they were dead relatives reincarnated as foliage.

It’s safe to say this blog is going to see a lot of posts like this over the next few months. I feel lonely and isolated already. Emotional turbulence to follow, in great gaping and shuddering amounts. Good times to be had.

Don’t worry, it’s not going to be that bad

Hope everyone had a good weekend.

Here are a few photos from a recent trip out to Elbow River Falls. Jack took V and I there one evening after dinner. It was a lovely night as the three of us walked along the edge of the river (me snapping pictures, as always).

Click on any of the images below to see the full-sized photo. I’m glad to have these for the memories they represent. I’m still not sure how I am going to manage an entire year without my V…I get so sad when I think about it.

Right this minute I feel like making a picnic and going off somewhere beautiful to enjoy food and friends. It’s not possible at the moment, and I’ll admit I am allowing myself a moment to wallow in my grief. Mourning the loss of memories not yet made, fun not yet had, experiences not yet lived. There will be plenty of that on the other end of course, it’ll be slow for a while in the beginning. Making friends takes time and energy. I’ll have plenty of the former but I suspect the latter will be lacking.

In these moments I question if this was the right decision. Are we really doing the right thing? Am I going to be able to live with this long term? If we hate it we can come back, but to what? Jack will need to find a new job, I will have to find a new house as good as the current one and the one before that. Moving across the country costs a lot of money. We would have to hate it an awful lot.

It’s too late to turn back now, but I can’t stop myself from wondering what the hell it is we think we are doing. Is there such a thing as the ‘right’ thing?? A better question is ‘Was it the BEST thing?’

Time will tell I suppose. My heart is heavy, and it aches in my chest. My brain keeps repeating “This is a Good Thing. We are going to be happy. We are going to love Ontario”. The feelings part of me has a hard time believing it.

It’s sort of like poly in that way. My brain can accept Jack being with someone else…my heart and soul are a different matter. Why do things in life put my logic and my feelings at war with each other?

I need chocolate. I need my V. I need to not be crying.

Before I launch into my blog post, I would like to direct your attention to this post, by my close friend and long-distance tease Padme. It reveals the naughty details of our recent web cam play time! Hot stuff, you’ll wanna read it

* * *

I haven’t been feeling myself lately.

This is evident in more ways that one, the least of which having absolutely no desire to blog or share my thoughts. Sometimes I just don’t have anything to say, even if there is much going on.

The source of this sensation has much to do with the current transition we are in. I generally deal well with change, but that doesn’t mean the effects of it aren’t felt on more subtle levels. I’m lethargic, disinterested, and somewhat mopey. The mere thought of the work ahead of us makes me want to crawl back under the covers in the morning, rather than bounce out of bed and face the day.

I’m not complaining mind you, it’s just a lot. I’m entitled to feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve been getting too much sleep, which leaves me feeling lazy and unmotivated. I believe this is directly related to not wanting to be awake and therefore thinking of all the things that need to be done.

There is also the sadness, which is not prevalent, but which plays on my mind none the less.

Soon this will all be in the past and life will resume some semblance of normal (albeit different) rhythm.

This too shall pass.

*Kevin Smith

Click on any of the pictures to see larger versions. There is also a set available on my Flickr account containing additional photos.

I had the absolute best time of my life on vacation in Ontario. Jack and I decided that before the move it would be nice to get away from it all, let the kids have some time with family, and go on a holiday. I wanted him to show me around Ontario and the area where we will be living, as well as some of the sights around there, like Niagara Falls and Yonge Street in downtown Toronto. It was sort of planned last-minute, but I had such a wonderful time.

I arrived at the Toronto airport and Jack was there to meet me (he was out there already for some work-related reasons) and he looked so cute and excited when I came through the gate. I got a huge kiss and a hug, and then he led me out of the terminal to where he was parked. The first thing I noticed was the humidity, even so early in the morning it was hot and the air felt heavy and damp. I loved it, I adore the heat, I would live in Mexico year-round if I could!

We stopped by the hotel he was staying at, to drop off my luggage. We hardly got in the door before we were pawing each others clothes off and falling into bed together. After orgasms and a quick nap we got dressed and headed south, towards Niagara.

He took me through Hamilton, and then on a long drive through the country. We talked the whole way, enjoying each others company and the gorgeous scenery. After we arrived in Niagara Falls the first thing we noticed was all of the strip clubs. There were like three of them in a row, and then a ‘massage parlour’ that was obviously offering more than just a back rub to it’s male clientele. Apparently Niagara Falls draws a lot of perverted tourists from the US, where stripping is more strictly regulated. Who would have thought. We didn’t visit any of them but I had to laugh at how obvious they are, as opposed to clubs here which could pass for regular bars on the outside.

We parked near the falls and walked down the hill to get a closer look. I’d never been there before, although Jack has. It was…magnificent.

I took some video, and uploaded it to YouTube. I’ve never really tried that before, so forgive me for how short and unexciting they are.

We sauntered along the walk that runs along beside the falls. There weren’t too many people there, and the weather was gorgeous. We could feel the gentle spray from the water, and there were seagulls flying everywhere. I paused often along the railing to take photos. There was a beautiful rainbow, created by the bright sun and all of the water in the air. Jack and I held hands and he told me about visiting Niagara when he was younger. I loved every minute of being there with him. I am looking forward to taking a ride on the Maid Of The Mist, and seeing the falls at night when they are all lit up. I promise pictures from that, as well as some in the winter time when everything is partially frozen.

We went for lunch at this fantastic little out-of-the-way sushi place. It sort of looked like a dive from outside, but inside the decor was clean and simple. The sushi was fresh and delicious, made right there in front of you. I enjoyed it a great deal, very yummy.

Afterwards Jack took me on a tour of wine country. There were orchards and vineyards as far as you could see. It was amazing. I saw a lot of large wineries with familiar names, such as Jackson Triggs and Peller Estates. Jack promised we would take a wine tour sometime soon after we move. I actually did not like wine at all until I started dating Jack. He introduced me to different wines, and eventually got an idea of what I like (I prefer sweet white wines, and the occasional red that isn’t too dry).

Wine country is gorgeous, I think I might like to own a vineyard someday. As the sun went down, Jack took me for a walk along Lake Ontario. He held my hand and we stood on the rocky shore and looked out over the vast waters. You couldn’t see the other side, which is odd to me when it comes to a lake. The sunset was incredible, and it was quite romantic (even to someone as cynical as I am) to walk along, hand in hand.

We drove to Mississauga for a late supper at Milestone’s Bar And Grill. We shared a couple of glasses of delicious white wine from Peller Estates, and I had a dish which consisted of grilled salmon, the best grilled shrimp I’d ever tasted, fresh mango salsa, pineapple rice, and mixed veggies. It was on the expensive side, but totally worth it. For dessert we shared a piece of chocolate torte made with a crushed pecan crust. It was fantastic, made with bittersweet chocolate and served with a homemade caramel sauce.

The next day Jack drove us into downtown Toronto, to explore the city. We parked near the SkyDome (Rogers Center) and then made our way over to Yonge Street. He and I wandered our way down, looking at shops and watching people. It was SOOOOOOO hot! I was loving the weather.

Jack took me into Eaton Center to look around. WOW! What a very cool mall, there was so much to see there. I think we walked around for hours. Jack bought me a skirt at Old Navy, since it was too hot to wear much else. I can’t wait to take V shopping there once she moves!

Eventually we made our way back to the street and Jack took me to this park area with a fountain (see image and video below). We sat down and drank some water and enjoyed the sunshine. There were loads of pigeons (which I think are adorable) and seagulls everywhere. We decided that we were hungry and that it was time for some supper.

We went to a really awesome seafood restaurant called Lucy’s Kitchen. We ordered scallops wrapped in bacon and I had the most incredible salad, with calamari, scallops, and grilled shrimp. It was super tasty.

Another day was spent in the area we are moving to, just outside of Toronto. Jack showed me all around so that I would be able to find important things like the grocery store and the hospital. We had a really great lunch at Turtle Jack’s and then picked up some fresh fruit at the store for snacking on at the hotel.

One morning we went for Dim Sum at this really fantastic place in Mississauga. We sat in this big room and women came around pushing carts laden with steamer baskets and plates covered in tasty little nibbles. We had deep fried squid, shrimp balls, pork dumplings, and a number of other things (and I’m not sure what most of them were, LOL). I was interested to find out that Dim Sum is more of a breakfast thing for Chinese peoples. Not sure that I could handle eating so much meat first thing in the morning myself. It was very very good at any rate.

There were loads of huge black squirrels in Ontario. One climbed right up onto the balcony of the hotel. Jack kept making fun of me because I wanted to take pictures of them all the time, HA HA. I found them adorable.

The shopping out there is amazing. I cannot wait until I am finished my weight loss because I saw so many cute clothes! Wandering around the malls there is sort of like visiting West Edmonton Mall (minus the pool/hotel/amusement park). They have all the trendiest shops and they are way ahead of western Canada as far as styles go.

I got to see the house we bought. I love it more and more every time I see it. We are splurging on top of the line appliances again, since I spend a lot of time in the kitchen and enjoy cooking so much. People think we are crazy to have stainless steel appliances (because of the finger prints) but I think they look sleek and sexy, and it’s not that hard to just wipe them down whenever you notice prints on them.

The only think I am not going to have in the new house that I have here is a gigantic bathtub. We are still getting a large, corner, jetted tub so it’s not like I am getting stuck with a regular tub. However, our current bathtub is large enough to hold a small cow. It empties our entire hot water tank (just running the water hot, no cold until the hot water runs out) just getting it half-full. That’s actually a good thing since once you get two people in there the water level is just right.

On one sunny afternoon Jack drove me the length of the beach near downtown Toronto. There were many sailboats out on the water, and people were all over the beach, sunning and roller blading. My tan got even better while I was there. It was sunny and hot the entire time. Even the one afternoon that it rained, it was still humid and warm outside. The rain was even warm! Jack told me that he intends to make love to me outside in the rain at the first opportunity. Naturally that made me quiver with anticipation.

So many wonderful memories were made during my time there. I really cannot wait to be moved out there, I know we are going to enjoy the area and all of the interesting things to see and do. Jack has promised to buy me a new mountain bike so that I can ride all over the city. It will be a good way to learn where things are, and fabulous exercise for me! I want to get one of those chariots for pulling behind, so I can take the kids with me, and also for picking up fresh fruit and vegetables at the farmers market on Saturdays.

I had a wonderful weekend/week and I’ve returned feeling refreshed and excited. I’ve also lost 10 pounds since I started my diet/exercise plan! Many people have already commented about how good I am looking, and it makes me feel sooooooo good.

I don’t think I’ve been this happy before. Sure I have a few moments of sadness here and there, but all in all, it just doesn’t get any better than this.

Some weeks ago I had a moment with myself concerning our relocation to Toronto.

By having a moment I mean I got angry. Really angry and upset and bitter.

The idea of the move made me recoil with sadness and irritation. I thought about how unfair it all is, how cruel and inconsiderate life is being. I cursed the company that Jack is working for, I bitched internally over the fact that it couldn’t have happened here in Alberta.

Why Toronto? Why so far away from family and friends and everything familiar?

Please understand that I know what a really fantastic opportunity this is for us. I know that this move is the right thing for us, a wonderful chance to see more of our country and to get to know new people and places. In my soul I know that we are making the very best choice.

Sometimes choices are painful. Even though I had a moment of significant resentment and disappointment, I still know that we are going to be very happy in our new province, community, and house.

Permit me to have the odd temper tantrum if you will.

Despite how much I am looking forward to moving, I am still grieving the loss of people and places that I love. Letting go of my closest friends, all of my family, my dream house, the plans I had for the future…it hurts deeply.

Instead of jumping up and down and screaming I had a nice long shower, where I cried and cried, until there were no tears or sadness left in me. It all washed down the drain like so much soap and water. I felt better afterwards, and I still do.

As I looked out of the plane window on my way back home, it occurred to me that soon home will be in the other direction and I will just be going for a visit the next time I travel this way. My heart is a little sad, but we’ll make it. As long as I have Jack, my children, and eventually my best friend, I can make it anywhere.

We bought a house today!

It’s a massive house, on a huge lot (big enough to put in a tennis court or a pool! I’m hoping for the latter). It’s around 4,000 square feet; with six bedrooms and four bathrooms. It has a fully finished basement, and a deck, and a landscaped yard. There is a fantastic view and the neighbourhood is quite nice. The kids will be close to their school and the commute for Jack is reasonable. I will have an entire room for my hobbies, and there will be plenty of space for guests. Jack will finally get his theater room and his bar area. It’s everything we want in a house. I’ll even have a big garage for all of my tools!

We are very excited. It makes moving there a little less painful. Actually I can hardly wait to move into it. The kitchen isn’t quite as nice as the one I have now, but it will do. I can’t complain, it has loads of cabinets and counter-space. It’s just laid out differently.

It’s still difficult to believe that this is really happening.

At least now we have a place to live and that helps to alleviate a little of the stress.

I have been searching for something to write about here recently. The regularity of posting has dipped, and I don’t think I’ve written anything of substance in a little while. Bleh. Blog Block I suppose. There have been no sexy stories to recount, no complicated feelings to deal with, no drama to speak of. Life seems to have become a high-speed chase towards the move with little room for anything else. I could blog about the move, but even that is pretty uninteresting.

Inspiration eludes me.

I have reviews and articles in the works, but the main theme of this blog is supposed to be MY life, and the personal goings-on, inner thoughts, and other juicy goodness.

V and I have been spending copious amounts of time together. I know that once we actually move, it’s going to be a considerable amount of time before I see her again. Seeing as she is basically my other spouse, it’s important to both of us to see each other as much as we possibly can before that time. She has been constantly supportive, despite her own sadness over us moving away. She is always there for me, at a moments notice. She keeps me company while Jack is away, often spending the night so that I don’t have to sleep in our great big bed by myself. We are as close as two people can get, minus the sexual relationship. We have the sort of friendship that often makes people envious, and I am extremely grateful to have her, and I tell her that regularly.

I’ve been enjoying the influx of comments recently. My blog has never attracted loads of comments, unless an argument breaks out on the comment board. I am generally quite content, because I blog for myself, not to get comments. I would rather get a small number of thoughtful and genuine comments then a whole load of boring ‘cookie cutter’ ones. I am also very bad at commenting on other blogs, even when I really enjoy the writing. I prefer to think that most people are like me, taking pleasure in reading the content but not always having anything to share with the writer.

This weekend Jack and I are looking forward to some kid-free time. I am thinking we will go see a movie (I actually can’t remember the last time he and I went to a movie together) and generally take it easy. I’d like to do lunch with some friends, and I’ve been dropping hints about going to Globefish at some point, maybe for supper on Saturday evening. I’ve heard great things, so I am eager to try it.

I also need to go shopping for some new jeans at Old Navy, and I want to get some tea tree oil shampoo for my dreads. I haven’t been giving them much attention lately, which means that tonight or tomorrow I am going to have to sit down and devote a good four hours to back-combing, rolling, and waxing them. I have only washed them once since I got them, which probably seems really icky, but when it comes to new dreads it’s best not to wash them very often, unless you can sit out in the sun to let them dry, which helps tighten them up. Also T advised me to mist them with a mixture of sea salt and water, which aids with the locking process. If I lived near an ocean I could just go dip them in it.

Well I am grasping for things to say, which is generally a signal that it’s time to end this post. I do promise more interesting fare in the near future. Bear with me during this transition.

Happy Hump Day!

Finally I have a few moments to sit down and share a little update on our moving preparations. Recently Jack and I took a trip out east to shop for houses and get a feel for the area. Neither of us had been there before, so it was an exciting adventure. We had a great time navigating our way from the Pearson Airport to our hotel. The difficult thing about getting around in Toronto and area seems to be that they name all of their streets and avenues, rather than numbering them. In Calgary they number them all, and the streets ALL run North/South and the Avenues ALL run East/West. Not so in that part of Ontario. Streets intersect with other streets, they seem to start rolling into intersections before the lights turn green, and they certainly drive more aggressively than we do here. Still, we found our way and didn’t get maimed or killed.

One of the really cool things about driving through Toronto was seeing the office buildings of big-name companies (you don’t get a lot of that in Calgary). LavaLife.com, Microsoft, General Electric, Hitachi (makers of the famous Magic Wand) and many others. I love reading signs and Jack got a kick out of how excited I was. The city is amazing at night, lights as far as the eye can see. Once we found our hotel we got all of our luggage hauled inside and then realized how hungry we were. Knowing absolutely nothing about the area we used mapquest (which became our best friend out there) to find any McDonald’s nearby. Sadly the two that we came across were not 24 hour, and it was already the wee hours of the morning. We settled on some microwavable fare from a Mac’s store and fell into bed completely exhausted.

We spent a couple of days exploring the city and driving hither and yon. We visited Brampton, Mississauga, Guelph, Cambridge, Milton, Georgetown, and a number of other areas. I love that almost all of the houses out there are built from brick. That is a very rare thing here in Alberta, and if you want brick, you have to pay through the nose for it. I adore brick houses, especially older homes.

After our first full day in Ontario, we ended up at Lemongrass Thai Restaurant for supper. The decor was simple yet elegant and bright. Waitstaff bustled here and there, presenting plates heaping with attractive and delicious food to the hungry patrons. We arrived during the last part of the dinner rush and were seated immediately. We settled in to peruse our menus. To say they provide a wide selection of different food choices is an understatement. I was not entirely sure that I could narrow it down to just a couple if dishes, everything sounded so appealing.

Eventually Jack and I decided to try the Pineapple Fried Rice (shrimp, chicken, pineapple, egg, and cashews served in half of a hollowed out pineapple) and some BBQ Beef Ribs with mixed veggies. The dishes are designed to be shared, and just those two selections turned out to be the perfect amount of food.

The rice was incredible! Possibly one of the top 10 best things I’ve ever eaten in a restaurant. I intend to go back to Lemongrass again and again just for that. I found the ribs to be far too fatty, but Jack enjoyed them very much. I munched on the veggies and enjoyed a couple of helpings of the rice. It was such a fantastic meal, and very reasonably priced.

The following evening we had another culinary adventure at Louisiana Seafood Oyster Bar & Grill, located in Brampton. It looked like Mardi Gras inside the spacious restaurant. There was some fantastic live Jazz music and I found the service to be prompt and friendly. I had decided that as far as meals went, I wanted to try a lot of new things. When I discovered that Alligator (from the bayou no less) was on the appetizer menu I convinced Jack to try it. He settled on the Jambalaya for his entree and I chose the Blackened Catfish, served with Louisiana rice and seasonal veggies.

Before our Alligator arrived our rather attractive waiter took our drink order and served us a small plate of cornbread. Jack is not a fan of cornbread, but I love it. I found it most enjoyable.

It wasn’t a long wait for the Alligator to arrive. It looked like little bits of pork, and came with some sort of spicy dipping sauce. I tried a bite. It was different, and it didn’t taste like chicken. In fact it didn’t taste much like anything I have tried before. It had a similar consistency to pork, although it was riddled with tiny globs of fat and gristle. I enjoyed the taste actually, although the fattiness of it will deter me from ordering it again.

Our main course arrived. Jack’s Jambalaya looked fantastic, as did my catfish. After one or two bites of my fish I realized that it was far too spicy for my taste buds. I think I could have managed it had I not been suffering a sinus infection that forced me to run to the bathroom to clear my nostrils every ten minutes or so. When I am sickly I find that foods with intense spice or heat make me feel nauseous. At any rate I still enjoyed my meal. The fish itself was quite mild in flavour, and the rice was excellent. I want to go back there and try some of their other delicious-sounding Cajun offerings, not to mention the oysters!

Our trip ended all too soon and it was time to head back to more familiar surroundings. I enjoyed the flight, both ways, as it gave me an opportunity to read, uninterrupted by children or the phone. I had forgotten how much fun it is to travel, since Jack and I haven’t done much of it since we had our munchkins.

I am feeling incredibly optimistic that we will love living in Ontario (PST and pollution aside). I am hoping I get to take one more kid-free trip out there before the actual move. It is becoming increasingly ‘real’ for me. We are actually moving. Wow, what a journey it’s going to be.

*Ken MacLeod