Stiletto Diaries

I’m Not A Whore. I’m A Relationship Technician.

Archive for the ‘Reading Is Sexy’ Category


Go! Go Now!

Thanks to a good blogger buddy of mine, my attention was drawn to this incredible article on polyamory over a Freaksexual. I’d never been over to that particular blog before, but I’m certainly glad I found it. Check it out, it’s very well written.

Anatomy Of LoveThe first of the five new books I am reading this year was Anatomy Of Love: A Natural History Of Mating, Marriage, And Why We Stray By Helen Fisher. I’ll tell ya, this book is a S-L-O-W read. Normally I can breeze through a book of it’s size in a week or two, but this book challenged me to think, hard, and it took a great deal of time to mentally digest all of the fascinating information held within it’s pages. I love those sorts of books. It’s so much more satisfying once you make it to the end.

To break this book down to the very basics (not easy to do, trust me) it could be called a very thorough examination of human sexuality throughout our evolution. It starts right at the beginning of time, and speaks at great length about how sexual beliefs and practices have come to be through the ages. It examines countless other cultures, which I enjoyed a great deal. Books that are completely based on western culture and then claim to represent humans the world over irritate me. This is not one of those books.

It has an excellent balance of speculative versus factual information. The flow of the book is easy to understand and it’s organized chronologically. It also remained very neutral on subjects such as monogamy/non-monogamy, which was refreshing. I know that sometimes books claim to be neutral, and yet you can sense a sort of ‘tone’ about the writing that hints subtle preferences or agreement with one or the other. Not so with this book. In fact it’s almost entirely devoid of emotion, clearly wanting to stick to the scientific analysis, rather than taking a moral stance.

It was incredibly interesting to learn about how early humans related to each other, and how our mating practices came into being. It also taught me a great deal about marriage and how monogamy came into practice (like most primates, early humans were very likely not monogamous).

Without revealing too much of ‘good parts’ it certainly makes one think a great deal about our society. Sexuality, relations between men and women, and our commonly held beliefs about monogamy and marriage seem to be coming full circle. I think that as men and women come to depend on each other less and less for financial security and reasons related to material things, we will see a return to more ‘natural’ patterns of relationships.

Actually, I can’t come up with a single negative comment on this book. It completely exceeded all of my expectations.

If you enjoy being challenged mentally, and find history and evolutionary theories interesting, give this book a read. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

This Book Receives:

5 Out Of 5

Recently there was a pretty good article published in an Edmonton magazine, about polyamory.

Take A Peek!

Considering how mostly-conservative this province is, I was pleased to see it.

It’s not very long, and my only disappointment is that they only interviewed one family. Perhaps they couldn’t find anyone else who wanted to take part, who knows.

I do have to give them props for using a MMF family, and not the ‘typical’ FMF. Having a bi-sexual male as the hinge in a V is a pretty cool thing.

I love to read. I think it’s one of my top five favorite things to do. Every time people ask me what I want for Christmas or my birthday, I usually ask for a gift card from a book store. Or when I want to spoil myself a little, I usually treat myself to a new book. Hurray for book love!

My mum generously gave me a gift card for Chapters recently which I finally got around to spending. Sadly I can’t really tell her what books her gift went towards purchasing because these are the ones I ordered:

The Art Of Seduction - By Robert Greene

Anatomy Of Love - By Helen Fisher

The Myth Of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People - By David Barash Ph.D

When Someone You Love Is Kinky - By Dossie Easton

Different Loving - William Brame

Hand In The Bush - Deborah Addington

Somehow, I don’t think my mum would be pleased that I got a book about vaginal fisting, LOL.

My new collection of reading materials should be here before the end of the month :D As a bonus, I’ll be able to achieve one of the goals on my list of reading five new books this year! I shall also be posting reviews of each one as I finish it, if that would be of interest to anyone.

On a separate note, just a little reminder to everyone, if you want to receive top secret info about this blog, previews of toy reviews, and the inside track on any upcoming ‘events’ feel free to sign up for the newsletter. It only comes out once a month (if that) and I promise you won’t get spammed or invaded with viruses as a result. You can sign up for it in my sidebar, just to the right there, under the ‘About’ section. Enter your e-mail address and you are good to go. I don’t get to see any personal information about you, including whatever name is associated with the e-mail address you provide. So come on, you know you wanna :P

Since this post is just going to be an odd mix of whatever I happen to come to mind, I guess I’ll throw in a little emotional garbage for fun as well.

For whatever reason my personal disdain for my body has been worse than ever. Last night I worked myself into such a state that I could hardly sleep, which is dumb. All because poor Jack didn’t say the exact right thing at the exact right time and I took it WAY too personally. Of course then my irritating inner voices kicked in, reminding me that I am actually quite hideous to look at. I’m certainly not beautiful according to the standards of mainstream society. Most guys never have the reaction to me that they have to those really tall, thin, perfect girls. I get called ‘cute’ or ‘nice’ or sometimes ‘pretty’ but sometimes that just isn’t good enough. Which is actually pretty sad of me, because everyone who knows me pretty much adores me as a person. I know that I am smart, I can have really intelligent conversation, and I make people think. I’m hilarious, people that I work with tell me that I am always laughing, and that they look forward to being around me because I am so much fun. I can list of loads and loads of great qualities about myself, and I have heaps of self-confidence when it comes to pretty much everything, except for how I look.

In light of all the emotional turmoil surrounding the possibility of Jack sleeping with someone else has forced me to dredge up all the things that make me feel like crap. I want to deal with these feelings. I hate it that I get angry whenever I think about him having a sexual relationship with anyone else. I need to get over it, or at least learn how to tolerate it better.

I have reflected a lot on why it’s specifically the sexual part that bothers me. The feelings part is fine, I don’t mind him dating or hanging out with girls, even kissing them is fine. As soon as it starts to go past that, I start to get weird.

We talked about it last night for a while and I have really come to the conclusion that my body issues are the entire cause. I don’t get jealous about his emotional connection to others because I know that Jack loves me and that I love him and nothing will change that. I don’t get concerned over other aspects of relationships because I have confidence in myself, and my worth as a partner, wife, girlfriend, whatever.

The only place where I feel inferior is when it comes to appearance. Which is crap, because who really cares about that? Well apparently I do, and it’s giving me a huge complex. I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. In fact whenever I do I want to cry because all I see is ugly. Rationally I know it’s not entirely true. I mean, I have an average face, my eyes are nice, I have fantastic hair. There are select things that I can see beauty in, but overall, I just hate myself.

Some of the things are never going to go away. I know that no matter what I do, I am never going to look exactly the way I want because I’m not 16 anymore and I can’t go back to that. I need to find a way to accept my body for the wonderful thing that it is. As someone once pointed out to me, I have travelled a great distance in this body. We’ve been through a lot together. It has carried two babies and brought them into the world, which in itself is an incredible thing. I know people who would gladly take this body, if it meant they could have a child. I need to appreciate the things that I have, even when it comes to my body. How to do that I am not yet sure. I am hopeful that the retreat I am going on will produce some answers to this problem.

So no real progress on that front, just a better understanding of the problem.

*Sighs* This post was way more impressive but blogger ate part of it, Christ!

So here is the gist of what else I had to say:

I need advice on dating girls, since I am considering doing so but I have no idea how to meet them or woo them. Help me.

Here is a video of a song I really liked back in the day:

I don’t think that there was anything else especially interesting to report. Hope everyone had a good Monday :)

*Gregory Maguire


On Breaking Up

Sadly breakups seem to be going around lately.

Here’s a little blurb from one of my new favorite sites, on the topic of breakups.

Now It’s Time To Say Goodbye

Now dear readers, what do you think makes a breakup ‘good’ or ‘bad’? Is there ever really such a thing as mutual breakups? Or is it more likely one party is just going along with the other in order not to make waves? Thoughts on such things are welcomes, as always :)


A sort of interesting little blurb about polyamory. I like the parts where she says that having an affair or being gay is more socially acceptable than having more than one love.


By Stephanie Sellars


Is the Pursuit of Happiness Valid or Merely Self-Serving?

A college professor who attended one of my lectures labeled the pursuit of happiness trivial, self-indulgent and self-serving. I don’t know what his experiences may have been but I have noted that when people are happy, they are much more loving, supportive and available to themselves and to those they touch. However, most ‘reasonable’ people might argue that dealing with poverty, sickness, war and nuclear disarmament should certainly take precedence over a person’s concern for individual happiness. The implication is that happiness, as the professor claimed, is not only self-serving but limited in impact and therefore not worthy of elevated status.
And yet, the founding fathers of our own government viewed the subject so significant that they included the ‘pursuit of happiness’ as an inalienable right in the Declaration of Independence. Beyond memorizing that document and those words as students, few of us, if any, studied the subject of happiness as attentively as we did language arts, mathematics, social studies and science. We never learned to acknowledge such a focus as truly valid or valuable. Although schools offer a vast array of subject areas for study (literature, history, psychology, biology, business administration, medical science, ecology, astrophysics, nautical engineering), no primary school, high school or university offers courses in the pursuit of happiness. No wonder we have learned to disregard the subject or ‘put it aside’ for what we conclude to be more immediate and significant concerns.
The irony is that for ourselves individually and for the planet collectively there perhaps is no more pressing issue than personal happiness. To be happy (and all that ‘happy’ implies - comfortable, loving, accepting, nonjudgemental, joyful, at peace with oneself) might in fact be the most pertinent prescription for dealing with what most of us are concerned with on a global, familial, and personal basis.
So often we strive to change the world around us by changing others. We focus on external solutions to problems which can appear so overwhelming and complex that any reasonable hope of success seems remote. ‘What can I do?’ we ask ourselves in despair. ‘I’m just one person.’
Have we overlooked the most obvious and achievable approach to our problems even though at first it might appear simplistic - to be happy and loving?
If just one person changed, becomes happier, touches another with a more loving and peaceful hand, then the world has, indeed, become a more peaceful place. If each of us acknowledged him- or herself as one entity in an interlocking network of interactions (as lover, parent, friend, child, sibling, coworker, citizen), then, like the stones dropped into a pond, our evolution will cause countless ripples. Our capacity to change enables us to make a truly profound difference in the world.

- Happiness Is A Choice by Barry Neil Kaufman

O, the wonderful darling that she is, sent me a fantastic gift on Saturday evening after her date with Jack. She gifted me with a copy of Story Of O by Pauline Reage. I know, I can’t even call myself a proper submissive for not having already read it :P

Anyway, I devoured the book, reading it from cover to cover in less than 24 hours (harder than it sounds in this household). It was deeply stirring to say the least. In case there was curiosity, I already had some knowledge of the book (if you are part of the BDSM community hearing about it is part of the initiation package). I decided to give O that particular letter because I knew that this book was one of her favorite novels.

I would recommend that you skip all the preface and so forth at the beginning of the book itself, because in some ways they give away a good part of the story (the ending included). You will enjoy them much more if you read them AFTER you have read the story itself because you will know what they are talking about.

If blatant acts of physical torture, objectification and prostitution of women is not your cup of tea, spare yourself and don’t read this book. It’s harsh, it’s to the point, and it’s NOT erotica or pornography, or anything remotely sexy. At least not to people who cannot see beyond the surface of the story.

I did not find it particularly arousing the in the conventional way. Not masturbation material really, at least not for myself. However, it certainly did remind me of something about myself that I have been mostly in denial of for quite a while. I do not care to go into details, people who know what I am talking about will understand and that is enough.

I would also not recommend that you utilize this book as a Bible for the purposes of real life BDSM play. Can it be like in the book? Will it give you nightmares if I tell you that it can? That I know for a fact that it can? Be assured that even if this book is not a piece of fiction (which is still being speculated, after all these years) the persons involved were not inexperienced in the acts in which they indulged. Leave that sort of thing to the people who understand the risks involved. Pick up a copy of SM 101 by Jay Wiseman if you would like to understand BDSM in a more…palatable format.

I give this book a five out of five. Really excellent, everything I expected and then some.

This Book Receives:

5 Out Of 5


I just came across a truly fantastic bit of writing on the subject of poly over at Ducky’s blog.

Please, GO READ IT!

On Love, Relationships, and the Future

I need to add this man to my links list immediately, he know what he’s talking about, and his new v-ish thing is doing it the right way! I will be taking notes ;)

I may be a little late for spring cleaning, LOL, but there are a few modifications happening on this blog that I wanted to announce.

First of all, since I started this place, I have had it set up so that every post shows up on the main page. That way people could just scroll to the bottom and start reading up from there to get the whole story. Well that worked well until the blog got so big. Now it takes a little longer to load than I prefer (especially on my senior citizen of a laptop). So I will be changing that around and people will have to click through the monthly archives to read me from start to finish.

Secondly, I mentioned a while ago that the list of rules had come up for re-evaluation. I am going to post the changes we have agreed on thus far, however, I will not be changing the original list. In fact, I am going to try and remember the rules we started off with before the first set of changes, so that I can add links to the sidebar about the evolution of our rules. Sound like a good plan?

Watch for the new rules to get posted today or tomorrow.

Plus I actually have something else of interest to mention. Yesterday, out of nowhere, I received a text message from L. You may remember L from this post, and this one as well.

Anyway, basically he messaged me because he is coming to the city this weekend and wants to know if he can see me…and fuck me. Well, considering I haven’t heard from him since the end of March, immediately it felt like a ‘use job’. We had sex, I don’t hear from him again until he wants some more tail, how sweet (NOT). I know it’s my own doing, ever since he’s known me I’ve always been the really flirty type. I’m sure he also thinks I’m a little bit of a slut because I cheated on my boyfriend with him way back in the day. So that has probably led him to believe that I am game for just random fucking, which is not the case, but I can’t blame the guy for seeing me that way. Also, L is pretty loose when it comes to morality. Like he wouldn’t think anything of having sex with me even if Jack did NOT know about it. He would also likely have sex with me even if he was otherwise involved. As I said to V, L and morals don’t meet up very often, he’s just that sort of guy who is pretty self-centered. He is also inclined to try and pressure people to get what he wants (I’ve known the guy like 9 years, I’ve seen him in action plenty of times).

Yes, him and I used to be very good friends, and I still like him as a person, and he does have good qualities. I probably associate a lot of negativity with him due to the fallout from the last time I saw him. K and I were restricted for over a month because Jack couldn’t trust me. Not fun times.

Annnnnnnnnnyway, I have agreed to get together with L, and I invited K and V to come along. Possibly Jack as well if my mom has our kids for the weekend. I just feel a little uncomfortable being around him alone, even though I am sure we’d be getting together at a bar or something, and probably along with the people he is down here staying with. Still, I just figured having some friends there would make it less awkward for me.

On top of that, Thursday night I am meeting a new guy for coffee (no he is not a romantic interest). He’s another poly person who has recently moved to Calgary and is looking to make some friends who are open minded in our rather conservative city. I started talking to him via OkCupid, which I have been meaning to mention and add to my sidebar.

OkCupid is a sort of dating site, but it matches you with other people based on questions that everyone answers. You can answer as few as 30 questions to get matches, but the more you answer the better (there are currently over 2000 active questions). When you fill out your profile, you can work a lot of searchable keywords into it, like rock climbing or quilting, or polyamory, so that other people with similar interests can find you. This site is VERY poly friendly, and I have been talking to a lot of really cool open minded local people. I highly recommend it, even if you are just looking for friends (like me, since you can specify on your profile if you want friends, romance, sex, etc).

I think that about covers it for today. Hope ya’ll are having a good week :D