Stiletto Diaries

I spent the morning looking back through the archives of this blog. Reflecting on the evolution of this blog, this situation, my relationships…trying to figure out where it all went so wrong.

I don’t know that it can be pinpointed in the archives, I have found this blog to be a rather incomplete reflection of the past months. After all, it is not possible to condense my life into this particular medium, we would need something more like The Truman Show for you to experience the reality of these things. This blog just cannot do justice to the love, the loss, the pain and the happiness. There are not sufficient words to tell you the true story.

An important chapter of this blog is drawing to a close. I am in no mood to go into details, but Jack and I have talked, and it was decided that my relationship with K in any romantic capacity is now ceased. I am hopeful that we can retain a friendship, but I have requested that communication be halted during the healing process. It will take some time for me to get over this. There are many confusing feelings to sort out, and much talking between Jack and I in the near future.

At this point I am trying to find the good in this outcome. Naturally a large part of me is dying to throw a tantrum and swear off poly forever. I want to rage and scream and be a spiteful, vengeful bitch. I want to take it out on Jack, to make him suffer, although I know I have done a good job of that already. He doesn’t deserve that though, and under no circumstances would I follow through with my desire to give him a taste of his own medicine as it were. I know that it is the pain talking, not the truth of the matter.

In the coming weeks and perhaps months I hope that Jack and I will be able to do a lot of honest communicating. Not only about what went wrong this time, but how to prevent a repeat of this. We need to decide if poly is a path that we can follow, and we must take steps to do it better the next time, should that happen. At this point I do not want to think of having another relationship, but I would be a fool to promise myself that it won’t happen. It is not poly itself that is the problem, it’s the process that we went through to get there. Mistakes were made, pain was inflicted all around. I had hoped that we could salvage the pieces, but that is not possible. Jack and I need to do a lot more exploration of ourselves and our relationship before I would be willing to give it another try.

We have learned so much about each other, and about ourselves. We experienced emotions and situations that we would have never experienced in a monogamous relationship. It has been quite the journey. The really unfortunate part is that K had to be hurt quite badly in the process. That will be my main regret for as long as I live. I didn’t set out for it to end up like this. I wish that he didn’t have to be the “guinea pig” for this experiment (and I use that reference affectionately).

Since I know I will be skewered for that, let me add that even though I know I have also caused a great deal of pain to Jack as well, I feel that K got more of a raw deal here. If only because Jack and I were semi-prepared for this, and K sort of got blindsided. In addition, this whole thing was an experiment between Jack and I, and K really got caught in our wake. Jack and I will come out of this just fine, one way or the other. Our marriage is strong and solid, we have each other to lean on. On the other hand, in a way, I was K’s ‘primary partner’ for lack of a better term. He really had more to lose here than either Jack or I, because Jack and I will always have each other (get over yourself if you really believe that our marriage was under threat).

I still love K and care about him a great deal. I will always want the best for him.

This blog will not be dying, although I don’t know how much I will be posting for the next little while. I might surprise myself and write here five times a day, or I might be silent for several weeks. Only time will tell.

Linkin Park - With You

P.S. I debated turning off comments for this post. I just cannot deal with negativity right now. I decided to leave them on for the time being, but I hope that everyone will respect that I am very emotionally fragile at the moment. I really don’t want to hear criticism, insults, or negativity. Please exercise the old adage “If You Can’t Say Something Nice, Don’t Say Anything At All”.

I have been pondering this blog the last couple of days, and it occurred to me “What would I write about here if things did not work out with K?”

I mean, if you look back, things before K were pretty boring around here.

So let’s suppose that we decide The Poly Experiment™ with K (or being open in general) is not working. K and I end our relationship, so I post about that. I post about my feelings for a few days, maybe even a week or so after, and then that starts to get old.

I imagine after all this I would be terribly reluctant to start a new relationship, assuming that I even met anyone I am interested in.

The prospect of having no more K and no more relationship issues to blog about is sort of bleak, and I have a feeling that I would quickly grow tired of this blog. There would be serious lags between posts at the very least, I might abandon it altogether, leaving it up if only so that other could learn from our mistakes.

I think even the critics would miss me, after all, what would they do with their free time with no one to criticize?

Do not confuse this post with forshadowing, since that is not my intention. I just have nothing else to say at the moment, and when that happens, I ponder.

I will put a question to my readers, commenters and lurkers alike. Why do you read this blog? What do you get from coming here? I am simply curious as to your motives, especially the people who post biting comments. What do you love or hate about me and this blog? Inquiring minds would like to know.

I’m afraid that some people misunderstood some of the things I said in my last post. Particularly my statement about people being miserable and living in boxes.

I was not speaking against monogamy at all, I assure you.

My intention in those statements was to speak about the entire spectrum of life choices. People who live unhappily, by denying aspects of themselves that fall outside of popular social acceptance. Be it poly, kink, homosexuality, and many other alternative lifestyles.

I mean, people who hate the job they have and deny their true dreams fall into what I was saying. Or people who try to force themselves to act in a way that is unnatural to them in order to gain approval.

It was meant to be a wide open statement, not specifically about poly.

Poly is MY choice, and believe me, when I talk to people about poly as a lifestyle, one of the first things out of my mouth is “It’s NOT for everyone”.

I would never presume to imply that everyone should be poly, just as I would never presume to imply that anyone should be anything, for that matter.

All that I care about is having the choice.

I was trying to state that everyone should do what they can to pursue their dreams, to pursue what fulfills them and makes them happy in life. Be it poly, mono, homosexuality, or leaving your job as a lawyer to start your own basket-weaving business. Don’t live in a box or behind restrictions that you feel are imposed on you by others or yourself.

Do what you need to do to get the most out of this life.

I am terribly sorry that people thought I was making anti-monogamy statements. Just as I do not wish to be judged, I would not want to pass unfair judgment on others.

Hopefully that cleared up any confusion over my statements

I was planning to write a big long involved post about the rest of my weekend, but I just can’t get the motivation. So I’ll give you the Stiletto Diaries Condensed Version and well move along with what has happened since then.

Basically while I was away at V’s Jack and K talked online and Jack just unloaded onto K. I mean he pretty much just let K know everything that is going on in his brain, yes it was rather aggressive in tone, but it was good to get it out in the open.

I was away, and felt sort of glad but also helpless. I wanted to be home to talk to Jack, to discuss what had been said, to talk about where things were going. I was glad that he spoke his mind, and I think that K needed to hear what Jack had to say as well.

I got home after the fallout and talked to Jack a bit about it. We’ve sort of gone around in circles a bit since then.

It sort of comes down to Jack being unsure that K is the right person for The Polyamory Experiment™. It’s not that he dislikes K, but there are plenty of things about the guy that rub Jack the wrong way. At first I got a little hostile about that, because I felt like Jack was telling me it was time to move on. Like I should drop K and find someone else. Obviously not my favorite idea.

Jack put it to me this way “How would you feel about a woman that I was in love with, who had a lot of personality traits that got on your nerves?”

So I started thinking about that, and I didn’t have a good answer. Would I try harder to see the good qualities in her (since he would be in love with her she would have to have some)? Would I say it’s fine to see her, but I prefer not to have to spend time with her? Would I tolerate the relationship grudgingly because of my love for Jack? I wasn’t sure what the answer would be, I can only speculate. If anything that question put me more in Jack’s shoes than I ever have been before.

On the other hand, Jack said that since K is important to me, he is also important to Jack. I know that Jack wants so badly to give us another chance. He truly wants to make this work, and for the first time in a while I believe him. We had a very deep talk last nigh, lots of emotions. He reminded me to look at the bigger picture, our love for each other. This poly thing may work out, it may not, but no matter what happens my love for Jack and his love for me will not be broken. My feelings for him are so intense sometimes that I cannot even comprehend them and they overwhelm me. I needed to be reminded of that, because in life it is easy to start taking things for granted. A lot of people might read my blog and believe that our marriage is doomed. I suppose the reason it appears that I take Jack for granted is not because we don’t love each other. It’s because I know in my heart that he and I love each other so much, that all this stuff that is going on doesn’t really matter. Obviously it makes things a little more emotional around here, and the breaking of trust is serious none the less, but we keep it in perspective. Poly will not make or break Jack and I.

It has been said that you should never make promises to anyone, except for one. Jack and I really meant it when we promised to be together for the rest of our lives, we do not take that lightly. I know sometimes when I get down on myself I start to think that maybe Jack won’t love me forever, but that is Irrational SG. In my heart I know for a fact that Jack will be with me for life, and I with him, regardless of what happens now and in the future. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, as can anyone who spends five minutes in a room with us (take my word for it, I hear it constantly).

Jack is my husband, no one will ever replace him in my heart. The piece of myself that I gave to him cannot be taken back, not given to anyone else. He has me for eternity.

I have thought of deleting this blog more than once recently. Mainly because I feel I have done a poor job of telling the truth of our story. I have not lied here, nor fabricated anything, but I have also been selective in what I share. As a blogger you have to learn to edit your life. I think I went a little overboard on the emotional angst. In part I chalk that up to the fact that when life is good, I’m out there damned well enjoying it, not sitting infront of a silly computer. When things are not so good I come here to vent, pour out my worries, my woes, and what have you. Makes fro a pretty lop-sided perception I think.

I blog a lot about K and “The Situation” as it is now called, because that is what this blog is supposed to be about! It wasn’t meant to be the lovey good-times marriage blog, it’s the place where I discuss this particular aspect of our lives. I don’t talk about my kids, our family time, things of that nature, because that is not the point. I have other places to talk about that. This is meant to be the raw, messy, painful, but honest journal of THIS experience, not our life as a whole.

I have had other blogs, blogs just about Jack and I, about our marriage, our relationship, our family, our children. I am a blog fanatic, trust me. This place, it is just for the open marriage/poly/what have you, with some sexy erotica thrown in. It would just be too much to try and cover everything here, trust me, ya’ll would stop reading because it’s too much to try and keep up.

Do I love K? Of course I do. I don’t believe that love has limits. I think that humans like to put restrictions on themselves, on feelings, on the people around them. We are too afraid, too ruled by fear, to live in a true state of happiness. Millions of people living their miserable little lives because they are not brave enough to step outside the box.

Well I won’t be one of them.

I want to live this life for all it’s worth, because it’s all I’ve got. I want to love as many people as I can, because through love we get a little glimpse of what it means to be truly happy. In a world so filled with cynicism and grief, why do we deny ourselves the opportunity to love, and be loved?

Don’t argue semantics with me over monogamy vs polyamory. I don’t think either is right or wrong. I am saying do whatever makes you happy, whatever makes you feel right with the world. A person should at least have the choice!

I choose to love more than one person, and you know what, even when things are hard and messy, I am still happy with that choice. Through this experience not only have I learned more about myself in 6 months than most people do in a lifetime, I have also made many good friends, and connected intimately with a man whom I might never have met otherwise. It feels natural for me to love Jack and K at the same time, what more do I want than to live within my nature.

I am lucky beyond what I deserve, because I am loved, and that my friends, is the greatest gift a person can give or receive.

I have decided to divide tales from the long weekend into two parts. First the fun part, then the shitty part

So Saturday night I went to V’s place, and we decided to go out to this pub that we frequent. We were going to be meeting two of V’s friends there for a drink or two (or many, as it turned out).

We got there around 11:00pm and ordered some beverages. V and I always drink the same thing when we go out, gin with 7up and a lime wedge. Good stuff

We were chatting with her friends and having a good time, when I notice that Q is in the pub. Not surprising, since it was the same pub where I initially met him and I know he often goes there. He didn’t see me right away, or likely didn’t recognize me because my hair is so different now.

I went to the bathroom later and walked right past his table, so I paused to say hello. We chatted briefly and he asked where I was sitting. I told him and then went on my way.

V and I were well on the way to being drunk when he came over to our table later. I was on my tenth gin and 7up and we had just finished our sixth shot of tequila (I had two more gin and 7’s before we left the place, three hours after we arrived. Yes, I know I am psychotic, but I don’t drink like that very often).

He hung out for a bit, V’s friends left, and then we decided to leave shortly after. Q was far less drunk than V and I (not hard to do considering V and I were drunk as fuck) so he offered to walk with us back to her place (about 7 or 8 blocks I suppose).

The three of us walked together, giggling and carrying on. Then we came across a shopping cart on the side of the road.

Insert Brilliant Idea Number One

V tells me to get into the cart. I’m like ‘no frickin way’ but she insists, so I get in. Her and Q start to push the cart with me in it. Allow me to give you some visual aids:

Me taking a picture of me (well my knees) in the shopping cart

I am sure I was laughing like and idiot. Why do I bring my camera on these little adventures?

V got tired of pushing, so they literally had to lift/tip me out of the cart, and then she got in. Q and I pushed her a ways, and then the grassy trail we were on started to slant. “You’re going down the hill” I announced, and she was like “No you fuckers, push the damned cart”. But it was too late. She started going down the little hill, Q doing his best not to let her bail too bad, and then I lifted up the back of the cart and dumped her out on the grass while simultaneously tipping the cart over, tripping over Q, and falling down the hill. We all laughed our asses off and continued on our way. I have a bunch of amusing pictures of V and I doing a pole dance on a tree, me falling over Q, and other drunken hilarity, but I can’t share them here. I’ll let you see this lovely close up of my ass after I fell on Q:

NO, I was not humping his legs, nor was I doing anything inappropriate (other than crushing his chest by falling on him)

Before we got to V’s I stopped for some reason and took off my boots, then V and I decided to make Q hold all of our stuff so that we could run topless through a field.

We got back to her place, ate some mac n cheese, I talked to Jack, and then passed out. Q got up at 7:30 and headed home, so I let him out and went back to bed for several more hours.

And lucky me, I don’t get hangovers!

We had a great night, and nothing inappropriate happened with Q. In fact he apologized for coming on so strong the last time we saw each other. I said it was ok, but that things are too complicated for me right now to pursue anyone else. Later in my utter state of intoxication I also informed him that “My boyfriend hates you”. I think that might have put him off.

Part Two of the weekend will be coming to a blog near you ASAP, and I also want to write about some of the recent comments. Hope everyone is having a great week!

After much begging and cajoling (just kidding) K has decided to start his own blog about our relationship that I can share with you. Basically he wanted a place he could write things out from his perspective. I’ve been trying to get Jack to blog for years, but K is easier to influence HA HA (kidding, again).

I am sure you are all curious, and he’s already got a couple of good posts up, so run over there right now and check it out. Leave some comments if you are so inclined.

Click here for The K Experience

There is a HUGE mammoth blog post stewing. I was away at V’s all weekend, ran into Q yet again at a pub, plus shit hit the fan between Jack and K, so lots to write about. But I am tired and a certain handsome man is waiting for me on the couch, so I bid you a goodnight.

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Want in Sugasm #35? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist by the end of next Monday night and you’re all set.

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Lost and Found (aliferestarted.blogspot.com)

Out of Town (vivianandjack.blogspot.com)

Tara’s Private Diary: Starting the Morning Off Right (taratainton.com)

Sex Toys: Satanic and Divine (deltaofvenus.blogspot.com)

Arousal (pleasinglydebauched.blogspot.com)

Anal Fun (edinerotica.blogspot.com)

Age Before Beauty (fourstate.blogspot.com)

Ten Thousandth Blowjob (erotiterrorist.blogspot.com)

The Slutty Hostess (internetisforporn.com)

Quickie (Because I Know You’re Watching) (sabrinainstockings.com)

Audio

The Return of Bedroom Radio: Episode 10 (bedroomradio.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Sex Questions & How to Get My Attention (alphadominablog.com)

“I Think I Love You, But What Am I So Afraid Of…” (avahsascent.blogspot.com)

Porsche Thigh High Boots (photo) (thebootcam.com)

Financial Domination (goddessjaguar.com)

Oo… la… la. Spank Me Monsieur (moonstruck.typepad.com)

Tiny Dick Contest Pictures (spoiledebonyprincess.com)

NSFW Pics

Solo Girl/Nudes/Softcore

Fine Art Nudes by Kevin Rolly (eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Black Boots - Red Panties Upskirt (upskirtr.blogspot.com)

Exclusive - Justine Joli with Laurie Wallace (tgp.com)

More Sugasm…

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Personal Porn

Half-Nekkid Flower Petals Where? (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)

Happy HNT! (pillowblogs.blogspot.com)

Uninhibited Wanton Woman (totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

Thoughts on Sex

I Am I Said! (masterenigma.blogspot.com)

Ayla the Prehistoric Porn Star (msnaughty.com/blog)

Nude Vaginas! Run for Your Lives! (onaniajournal.blogspot.com)

Death Threat (radicalvixen.com)

Masturbating While… (wanklog.blogspot.com)

Sex Advice and Sexy Reviews

The Dark Side of Masturbation (and Sex) (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

Bondage for Beginners: What You Need (cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)

The Art of Erotic (Blog) Photography (darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Tantra Chair Review (stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)

Redhaired anime chick c/o Onania - The Journal of Chronic Masturbation.

How can someone with a husband, a boyfriend, and two best friends feel so totally alone in the world?

I feel neglected by Jack, which I suppose I deserve, being the horrid little bitch that I am.

K and I can’t see each other, but he tries his best to be supportive and optimistic. It’s just hard to be optimistic about anything right now. We also came to a sort of depressing realization about our relationship tonight.

People ask me about poly and how it works and how they can make it work for them and I’m like “Gawd, do not ask me, I’m totally suck at it”.

I was thinking of looking into doing a presentation about poly here in my city, since one of the local groups is looking for a speaker. Plus I am terrified of public speaking, so I was hoping to make myself do more of it. Luckily I stopped myself. What am I thinking? I have no right to try and tell other people about how to have successful relationships. When you need a speaker for “How To Fuck Up Your Life, As Well As The Lives Of The People You Love” give me a call, I’m your go-to girl on that.

Foo Fighters - Walking After You

I just wanted to see how this whole mp3 hosting thing works. I think it would be cool to include songs with some of my posts.

The Devlins - Almost Made You Smile

I don’t know much about bandwidth and all that, so I don’t know if you should right-click and save it, or what. Advice on this please??

Edit: I’ve been screwing around with the download link, since ya’ll ate up all the bandwidth, ha ha. Should be sort of working now. I think it takes you to a page where you can download the file.

I’m BACK!

Got myself a new modem, but then had company for a couple of days, so I haven’t had time to update till now.

Glad to see ya’ll didn’t wreck the place while I was away And thank you to my darling K for letting people know that I was still alive, just experiencing technical difficulties.

I had a great Mother’s Day. Jack and the kids got me a Canon digital camera, WOOT! I love it, and it’s red and sassy like me! Did I mention that I dyed my hair dark red yesterday? I also cut about 7″ off of it (it was previously long enough to brush against my butt cheeks when I tilted my head back). I like it, it looks hawt!

And that pretty much brings us to the end of the good news. Now onto the mess that is our current situation.

Things have sorted of exploded, yet again.

Since the breakup happened like a month ago, everything has appeared to be going along pretty nicely. As we all know, appearances can be deceiving. I had been keeping something from Jack, and not only that, K and I were not being very consistent about condom use…yet again.

This time I was not honest with Jack right away. I was tired of constantly being in shit with him, I was tired of imposed breaks, I was just tired of having to be good and tell the truth and then getting punished for it. It was easier to not say anything at all.

I know what you’re thinking “Hey SG, HOW ABOUT FOLLOWING THE RULES TO BEGIN WITH?!!?!”

Yes, I know, I am retarded. Like some sort of stupid dog that keeps shitting on the carpet even though it knows better.

Anyway, after a couple of weeks of withholding the truth I couldn’t stand it anymore. Jack and I do not have the kind of marriage where we keep things from each other. We have both done it in the past, and it always came out sooner or later, usually with devastating consequences. I thought to myself “this is not what we are about. Not the sort of marriage that we have. What the hell am I doing???”

So I told Jack the truth; the results were predictable. Anger, sadness, disappointment. All caused by me, and K to a certain degree. All I could do was feel ashamed and guilty and tell Jack how sorry I was.

There wasn’t much discussion about it, but since then K and I have not even tried to see each other. I know that I can not be trusted, I am not worthy of Jack’s trust or confidence. I have done nothing to earn it.

Jack feels that neither K nor I respect him, our marriage, or the rules that were laid out. I don’t blame him, we have done nothing but act like a couple of assholes.

Yes, K is aware of the rules, he is supposed to follow them. But if Jack cannot trust me to enforce the rules with the people I see, well then we can’t really continue this can we. K and I both have our respective responsibilities in the situation, so we share the blame.

It’s been one things after another around here since the whole confession occurred, so Jack and I haven’t had much time to talk about it. I don’t know what will happen from this point on. It’s hard to be optimistic.

It leaves me wondering about myself and how I justify breaking the rules in my own mind. I mean, I didn’t think I was the sort of person to be so blatantly inconsiderate. I don’t fancy myself a liar either. But I am starting to wonder about just what sort of a person I am. Perhaps I really don’t have any good sense at all. My self-doubt and self-loathing have been having a hay day in my brain all week long, telling me how despicable I am, and that I don’t deserve any of the good things I have, Jack included. It’s hard to push those thoughts aside when my actions clearly show that I am not as good of a person as I thought I was. More on this to come I imagine, but I need to cover some more ground in this post, so we’ll come back to this again soon.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, I ran into Q [read about Q here, here, and here] at a pub on Saturday night (I was out with V and her friend for a bit). He was drunk or high I think, and acting rather affectionate with me. It didn’t make me feel uncomfortable, but I wasn’t really prepared to deal with it. I thought maybe he would have taken the hint after our lunch that one afternoon, considering I never called him again.

Anyway, at one point in the evening he leaned in to me, and I assumed he wanted to tell me something (it was very loud in the bar and you had to shout into a persons ear for them to hear you). So I leaned towards him, and he kissed me. It was a quick kiss, no tongue or anything. I didn’t kiss him back, I just pulled away sort of surprised.

V and her friend wanted to dance so we took off and I sort of avoided him the rest of the night. I saw him a couple of times afterwards (it was packed tight like a can of sardines in the bar) but I didn’t try to get his attention.

When I told K about it the next day he was not impressed. I felt bad and awkward about the whole thing. K was pissed off (not at me, but at Q) which I felt was blowing it out of proportion. It’s not like I protested and then he pressured me or anything, I mean he didn’t pursue me after the kiss, so I think maybe he caught on that I wasn’t interested. On the other hand, I know that K is protective of me, and felt that Q had violated my space without permission. I just wish that it hadn’t happened (the whole seeing Q thing) especially right now when things are difficult enough as it is.

K and I haven’t been able to talk much the past few days. I know that he needs me right now and it is incredibly painful for me to have to stay away, to not be able to be there for him. On the other hand I know that I don’t deserve Jack’s forgiveness, so I can’t blame anyone but myself. K is questioning our relationship a lot these days. Not our feelings for each other, but he is not sure that he can accept the restrictions of this sort of relationship. I mean we get limited time together, I can’t just go to him when he needs me, nor him to me when I need him. He has to compromise his own desires in the relationship because it is impossible for me to fulfill them all due to my life constraints. I am sure that he wonders if he can keep doing this long term. Sure I make him happy, and we enjoy being with each other, but he pointed out that all feelings aside, it’s like having a booty call whom he occasionally goes for dinner with. I mean, it’s not a normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship by any means. He can’t really tell people about me too much, without having to get into all the messy explanations. He can’t be spontaneous because everything has to be cleared through not only my schedule, but Jack’s as well. I don’t know that I could do it if I were him, I’m too needy to feel that I am secondary all the time.

I know that there is a strong possibility that my relationship with K will not survive all this. Even if Jack and I eventually rebuild the trust we had, and even if K decides that he can cope with the reality of this relationship, who knows how long it will be until the next catastrophe. Part of me just wants to give up, because I don’t feel strong enough to keep at it. I am filled with doubts about myself, my relationships, and my ability to sustain them on any sort of reasonable level.

Anyway, that’s long enough for today. I am feeling distressed and defeated, and I don’t know what to do next. That seems to be an emerging trend lately and I don’t have anyone to blame but myself.