Stiletto Diaries

Things have been pretty heavy around here lately, and thank you SO SO SO much for all support, encouragement, and even some criticism from my commenters. I appreciate each and everyone of you for the new perspectives you offer me.

It was brought to my attention today that my humble blog was reviewed on SugarClick (sex website & blog reviews). Needless to say I was flattered, and the review was very good if I do say so myself.

Here is a short excerpt from the review. Click on this link to read it in it’s entirety.

“Is it still cheating if you have permission?”

A lovely teasing statement and introduction to this relatively new site, which details the experiences of a young married couple starting out in the world of managed monogamy. In itself, the clean hope of that expression made me worry for them, because without sounding too cynical, the polyamoric path is not an easy one, managed or otherwise. The sweetness of their intention is one of the reasons I’m quite charmed by this little blog. It’s hopelessly endearing.

Be sure to read the other reviews of many excellent sex blogs; wander on over there and check it out!

Yesterday was a very long and emotional day. It seems like the entirety of last week was one long and hellish rollercoaster ride.

Thankfully this week is already looking better.

So yesterday just as I was getting ready to leave to meet Q, K came online and I told him to go read my blog post (the one from yesterday) and that I was just leaving.

I headed out to meet Q at one of my favorite restaurants, and left Jack to talk to K.

I was doing fine until I actually got to the restaurant. I got there a minute before him and then the nerves kicked in. I was a total mess, LOL.

What the hell is wrong with me? LOL

Q and I had something to eat. I could hardly stand how nervous I was. It was like that car ride with K all over again, except without all the sexual tension. I don’t know why I was so on edge, I’m not really attracted to Q beyond just friendship. Still, I am sooooooooo very shy.

Q was great about it though. He made me laugh and he complimented me like every five minutes. Eventually I started to feel a little more at ease and act more like my normal self. We talked about all kinds of things, it was cool, he is a totally fun guy, but the attraction is just not there. I feel kinda bad because I can tell he’s pretty attracted to me. I don’t want to lead him on so I think that the nest time I see him I’ll make it pretty clear that I am only interested in him as a friend. Maybe I’ll just refer him to my blog, LOL (kidding, I’m not that rude).

We hung out for a couple of hours and then I said that I had to get going because I had a lot of things I still needed to get done that day. He paid the bill and walked me out to my car. He asked if we could get together next weekend and I said we would see.

On the way home I called Jack and he said that he had been having quite the conversation with K. I told Jack that I’d be home shortly and he could tell me about it then.

I thought about what I wanted to say to K while I drove. I felt like there wasn’t really any good options for what to do next. I figured I could cut K loose completely; be his friend and stop having sex with him; or keep having sex with him and be otherwise totally uninvolved in his life. I didn’t think I would be able to be alright with him having sex with other people, but I would never ask him to stop seeing other people because that wouldn’t be right or fair of me. So I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do.

When I got home I messaged K and told him that I wasn’t prepared to talk to him at that point, and that I would let him know when I was ready. I needed some more time to gather my thoughts, and to talk to Jack about it.

Jack was so good about it. He cuddled me and told me that he understood what a difficult position I was in, and that no matter what I decided, he would support me. That made me feel so much better. It’s good to know that no matter what else is going on, Jack will always love me to pieces.

So I figured I might as well ‘get it over with’ so to speak. I didn’t think I could keep it together enough to talk to him on the phone, so I messaged him online and we had a long talk. I laid it out for him that I thought we should probably just be friends because as it stands I don’t know that I can handle the alternatives. He said that he really didn’t want to have to loose being intimate with me. We kind of got to the same point where neither of us could really think of what could be done about the situation.

I had to run to the store for some things so I told him I would call him and we could continue talking. At first I pretty much tore a strip off of him for what he did to J, which he agreed was more than deserved, LOL.

Then we talked about what we were going to do about our relationship. I don’t want to discuss all the details of the conversation because actually I feel it was pretty personal. Basically we’re at the point now where we are going to sort of let this relationship level itself out. Neither of us wants to lose the other, nor do we want to cause each other any pain. I am going to have to sit down with myself and figure out why I got so upset about him sleeping with that woman. Hopefully he can be a little patient with me in that area while I try to get it all under control. I need to just give my brain a rest and focus on the now, and worry less about what’s going to happen in the future.

By the time the conversation was over we both felt better, even though everything isn’t automatically fixed. I know I will still have moments when I feel angry or sad or whatever. The next time I see him face to face should be interesting because I know when I look at him I’ll think of what happened and it will upset me. So hopefully between now and Saturday I can rationalize with myself and just let it go. After all, what’s done is done and there’s nothing I can do about it now. Regardless, I still care about him and want to have a relationship with him so it won’t do me a lot of good to dwell on it.

Phew, just writing this blog entry helped. Honestly reflecting so much on what has happened gives me a lot of perspective on the situation. I feel better now than I have in days it seems.

All relationships, intimate or not, have their share of hurdles to get over. I think that we’re mostly past this one and we’ll all come out better for it on the other side.

Just when things start to get straightened out, something else happens to fuck it the hell up.

Last night K and Jack were supposed to get together. K said he would call when he was ready to go (which would likely be around 10 pm) because he had plans with another friend a little earlier in the evening.

I was looking forward to having a little down time to myself, and I was happy that Jack and K were going to do something together. I know Jack was looking forward to it because he hasn’t gone out in a while.

Anyway, got the kids off to bed, I was getting some things done around the house. Jack talked online to the girl he was supposed to meet Friday night (nothing horrible happened to her, there was just something that came up that prevented her from meeting him, and he had neglected to give her his number so she had no way to let him know).

K didn’t call until 11:40 pm and by then Jack was like “Uh, no, it’s too late to go” because by the time he would have gotten to where K was it would have been nearly 12:30 pm and last call is an hour after that, so there wouldn’t have been much point. I think Jack was a little annoyed anyway at being pretty much blown off. I was really upset because K is typically not so inconsiderate.

So I filled up our gigantic corner jacuzzi tub and made us a jug of peach juice mixed with champagne (it tastes REALLY good by the way). Jack and I had a nice long soak and then crawled into bed and cuddled up.

K sent me a text message sometime after 2 am (to tell me he was home I guess). Also he told me he blogged and that I shouldn’t read it (so OF COURSE I’m gonna). I went back to sleep and then read it this morning.

He fucked the woman he was meeting earlier.

Then he went to the bar to meet his other friends and just frickin lost track of time I guess. Maybe not a single person in the bar was wearing a watch so he could have asked what time it was.

I wasn’t exactly prepared to read that so early this morning.

I was already pissed that he was ignorant to Jack, and now I feel strange that he had a quickie with some married woman who is miserable with her useless husband.

Is it weird that it really upsets me?

I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out if I should continue this relationship with K. I talked to Jack about it, who of course was wonderfully understanding as always. I knew that K was going to meet this woman, and that there was a chance that he would have sex with her (or someone, at some point in the night) and it was bothering me.

Why does it bother me? It’s not like K and I even have a serious relationship. I shouldn’t care what he does, so long as he is honest with me so that I can make informed decisions about condom use, etc.

Fact is it does bother me, and as Jack pointed out, if I can’t accept that K is going to have sex with other people I am just setting myself up for a lot of emotional distress. He’s right of course.

*Sigh*

I think it’s because part of me really wants to have something more meaningful with K. I don’t know if that’s entirely possible, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting it.

Maybe the break should have lasted longer because obviously my objectivity about the situation is totally gone to hell. I’m pretty much going off pure emotion. I understand the situation in my head, but I can’t seem to convince my heart that I have to let it go, for my own good.

Some of you might think that I get attached too easily, and I would beg to differ. There are a lot of guys that are currently interested in me that I have absolutely zero emotional attachment to. The problem is, I tend to only have sex with men that I feel an emotional connection with (like R). K just happened to come along when he did and even though I saw it coming from a mile away, I let myself fall for him.

Maybe it would be better to go back to doing this just for sex. I know that I can have a good time with some of the guys I’ve been chatting to without getting emotionally involved, and maybe that is the way to go. I don’t know that I am prepared to deal with all this other stuff.

On the bright side, I am meeting Q for lunch today (the guy that I met at the bar last weekend). He seems really nice and I am looking forward to talking to him. He’s not all sexually aggressive just because he knows I’m in an open marriage, which is a really nice change. I will let you all know how it goes!

Last night in the tub I asked Jack why he thinks I always seem to do things to complicate my life. He just chuckled and told me he thinks I like the drama and the excitement. I’m not content to just live the simple life, I get bored.

It’s a good thing he knows me so well, and still loves me even though I inflict both of us to all my psychotic ideas.

To close, I opened a fortune cookie yesterday and it said: “Follow your intuition in love matters”. Pretty sound advice if you ask me.

The past 12 or so hours have been interesting to say the least.

Last night Jack talked to K on IM and whatever was said apparently made Jack feel better about this whole situation. He came and talked to me and told me that he felt it was ok for the break to be over. I can see K again, and talk to him, and we can continue to have an intimate relationship.

I’ll admit I was skeptical. We all know sometimes Jack is not very decisive, he tends to change his mind a lot.

He and I talked a little more about priorities and so on. I have promised to be more aware of my time spent talking to K and not let it cause me to neglect other things (like Jack, or housework, LOL). I am also going to put in a lot more effort as far as spending quality time with Jack (starting with finding some reliable child care so that Jack and I can get in some much needed alone time).

I spent a lot of time last night thinking about the situation and I feel good about it now. I know that K and I need to slow it down. I mean what the hell is the hurry? I realized that I was so upset by the break because I am afraid that I will somehow lose K. Well maybe that will happen regardless, break or not, and I know that K has to do what is best for him. All I can do is continue to care about him and enjoy the time we have together, not worry so much about what’s going to happen down the road. After I got that to sink in I felt a lot better. It really helped to just have time to think things over for myself and be objective about the situation (see Jack, I can be objective LOL).

Anyway, the other thing that happened was that Jack made plans to meet up with a young woman he has been chatting to! Organizing that and also the talk about the end of the break was all happening at the same time, so it was a little bit crazy, LOL.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about Jack going to meet her, especially on such short notice. I didn’t have time to prepare myself mentally at all, and I was emotionally exhausted already thanks to the situation with K. I didn’t want to stand in Jack’s way though, so I told him I was fine, even though in the moment I wasn’t. I figured I just need to calm myself down and not feed into my insecurities, even if that meant gritting my teeth and being sick the entire time he was gone.

Jack departed for his meeting with the young lady (she doesn’t deserve to have her own letter of the alphabet yet, LOL). I got on the computer to tell K that the break was over. Five minutes into the conversation I was freaking out about Jack, and K was trying to make me feel better. So he called me and we talked for quite a while. He reminded me that everything is ok, and I have no reason to worry. He made me laugh, and I felt so much better. He made me promise I would call him back if I got upset again, so I promised and thanked him for making me feel better and said goodnight.

Jack arrived home shortly afterwards. The woman in question didn’t arrive at the meeting place so he decided to come home. I am hoping that it was just a case of her getting too nervous rather than something happening to her (it’s been snowing here for days and the roads are not in very good shape). Jack wasn’t too disappointed, and he was glad that I talked to K and that I felt better about it, although naturally he was disappointed that I didn’t tell him I was upset before he left.

Anyway, Jack and K might be going out together tonight for some male bonding time. That will be good I think, and they’re going to the strippers so I am sure they will have fun.

I want to thank all my wonderful readers and commenters who have been so supportive of me during this time. You really helped.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I plan to post a couple more of my poems in the coming days so I hope you enjoy!

This is a painting I’ve been working on for a few weeks. I don’t know if I’m done with it yet, but let me know what you think.

I loathe them
Moments where I am
Weak
Fragile
Too Afraid

And the demons
From times past
Come back
To remind me
That once I was
Not this

When I look at you
I can see them

Moving between the shadows

Though you tremble
Under the touch
Of my hand

I want to quiet you
With my words
Make you still in the silence

Eternity only lasts a day
And the worst things in life
Never happened

I am hurting today.

I feel raw and miserable and distressed.

I don’t know how to fix it and I feel like I don’t have any control.

I can’t think of anything else.

I am angry, and I hate that.

It makes me wish we had never even started this, but I know I don’t really believe that because of what it would mean.

I just wish it didn’t have to be like this.

I don’t know if it will ever be better and that makes me sad.

And a little bit scared.

In case anyone was concerned about the situation with the condom tearing last time I was with K, just wanted to let you know that I am 100% not pregnant!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I haven’t had time to talk too much about the letter or of what has been happening since the weekend.

Apparently I have given the impression that even though I think that I understand where Jack is coming from, none of it has really sunk in for me. Thanks again to the anon who brought that to my attention, you gave me a lot to think about

I really do understand where Jack is coming from, but that does not necessarily mean that I agree with his views of the situation. No where in the rules does it say that I have to agree with him all the time, LOL. Nor does he have to agree with me. That’s why we compromise with each other.

I do not think that K is perfect, nor am I the least bit blind to his issues. I know that he has a lot of complicated emotional baggage, and yes he has problems recognizing his own self-worth. I think that Jack worries because he knows me and the kind of person I am. He knows that I will go to pretty far extremes to help people I care about, and he also knows that I sometimes allow my sympathy for someone to get in the way of my better judgment. Despite what some of you think of me, I am the type of person that just LOVES the crap out of everyone, no matter what they have done, no matter what kind of people they are.

The fact that Jack worries so much about my ability to stay rational and handle the situation with objectivity is sort of hurtful to me. It makes me feel like he sees me as a child, and that he has to parent me for my own good. At the same time I am trying my best to also be respectful of his feelings. I am not out to hurt him, or anyone for that matter. I know that we have to try and meet each other in the middle.

I also think that Jack has a hard time relating to people who have been dealt a seriously shitty hand in life. We all have our crap to deal with of course, but some people get the lions share of a totally raw deal. What we do with it is totally up to us. I used to have a lot of baggage, a lot of guilt, and all kinds of emotional issues. I’ve been depressed and suicidal, suffered from acute insomnia, almost given myself ulcers, and more. Over the past five years I have dealt with a lot of it in constructive ways. I don’t let my past own me or control me. I came to a point where I decided that I am the only person who can make me happy, and I started taking steps to get there.

K isn’t there yet, but he’s moving in that direction. He knows he has a lot of stuff he needs to deal with, he’s not in denial or anything. He’s taking some steps to get it together, and I know he can do it, I have total confidence in him. I guess it’s easier for me to look past all the other stuff and just see what a great person he is.

I suppose I don’t really understand how having me not see or talk to K will help him get motivated. I don’t want to take credit for anything, but I would like to think that I have been a positive influence for K. I am not trying to take on his crap, if anything I just want to be there to encourage him and be supportive. I get the impression that K hasn’t had a lot of supportive people in his life, so maybe that’s what he needs to help him go forward, and as his friend I want to be there for him. Anyway, that part of Jack’s letter I disagree with.

On the other hand, I do agree with Jack that things were moving rather quickly. And I can understand totally how that would make him feel really uncomfortable. I know that K and I talked a lot, and I agree that slowing it down is a good idea.

The thing is, I am pretty much alone all day with the kids. I don’t have any friends who don’t work all day, and I am actually painfully shy and have a hard time making friends (especially women). This means that my interaction with other adults is usually limited to Jack when he gets home in the evening. It makes a person a little crazy after a while, especially since my kids are just getting to the age that I feel comfortable leaving them with a sitter. Jack and I don’t get to go out much together as it is (the last time was the second weekend of January, if that gives you some idea). I get out with my friends once or twice a month, and other than going to the gym or going shopping that’s it for me. Especially now that it’s winter here and it’s hard to go outside with the kids. Of course I have a couple of other people that I chat with pretty regularly, but K and I have a more established friendship than I have with any of them.

Having K to talk to every day was nice. And don’t read into this as me complaining or trying to get my way, I am just trying to explain my feelings. I will admit it, I get frickin lonely as hell spending day after day with my rugrats and sometimes only seeing Jack for a few hours every day. Jack works long hours, sometimes 11 or 12 hours per day! That means he gets home, we eat, get the kids to bed, watch a little TV, and then go to bed ourselves. I miss him constantly, but after 5 years of being with him, I am used to it, it’s a fact of life for us, and I am so very grateful that he works so hard so we can have a cushy life and all the things that we want.

Not getting to see K is hard, but not being able to talk to him is way worse. I miss having conversations with him. Not having a lot of friends in the first place makes it extra difficult to give even one of them up, if only temporarily.

I feel sort of awkward talking to Jack about it. I don’t want him to think that I am overly attached to K, or that I am whining about taking this break. That’s not it at all, but I still have some sadness, that’s just the way it is. It’s not like I can just forget about K.

Since the weekend Jack and I have had some good conversations. We are taking active steps to work on our communication skills with each other. Like I said, we are pretty much learning how to talk to each other all over again. We both really want this arrangement to work, and we know what we have to do to get there.

Jack will be the first to admit that he is indecisive. He has a lot of mixed feelings, and that can be very confusing for me because I am VERY decisive a good part of the time. I spend a lot of time (seeing as I am alone and have plenty of time to think during the day) in self-reflection, examining my feelings and deciding how I feel about everything. Jack doesn’t have that luxury. His brain is occupied a lot by his job, so I am trying to cut him some slack. He and I both think that it would be best for him to just start telling me when he is unsure, and asking me to give him some time and space to think about his feelings before he tries to talk to me about them. I believe that this will save us a lot of frustration, provided that I remember to be PATIENT with him, and give him the time he needs to figure things out. He is going to try to be more specific about his feelings and thoughts so that I do not get frustrated and confused.

All in all we are moving in a very positive direction. I know that we will get closer and stronger as a couple and we are learning al lot of new things about each other and about our relationship.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net