Stiletto Diaries

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Wishing You Much Love & Happiness This Holiday Season!

All The Best,
Jack & SG

The dancing car has learned a new trick

This is the HNT I was going to post yesterday. So, here it is, a day late and brought to you by request from one of my lovely readers! Enjoy my lovelies.

I thought I’d better post an update of sorts, before SD goes on hiatus for Christmas (don’t worry, I’ll be back and better than ever in the New Year).

The past week has been rough. Lots of up and down. Way too much going to bed at night feeling like I may never sleep right again.

Jack has been very fantastic through it all. He has quietly accepted my lashing out, reacting only with love and reassurance for me. He hasn’t been reactionary, pouty, or spiteful even once. He’s so much better at this than I was. I love him, and I am so fortunate to have him in my life.

It is getting better though, a little at a time. A good friend gave me a reality check the other day, telling me quite bluntly that I am being totally lame, not to mention a hypocrite, LOL. Some people might find that harsh, but he’s not one to mince words, and I adore him for his honesty and ability to tell me just what I need to hear, even thought I might not like it. It’s true too. After all the hours and days I have spent preaching and rationalizing and explaining to people how this poly thing works, you think I could take my own advice, LOL. When I stop wallowing in my feelings and just use my head, everything is ok. I will not be a slave to my emotions.

Everyone has been there just when I needed them. V, who may not be poly but understands how it works better than most, is always there to give me love and encouragement. I know I can call her at any hour of the day and she will listen to me patiently and help me work thought my feelings. K is always there to remind me how special and wonderful I am. Sometimes I forget, but he’s very good at pointing out all the best things about me. There is also LD who will give me a ‘5 minute phone hug’ any old time I need it. I am truly blessed to have so many really fantastic people in my life. I could never get through this without them.

It’s a tough road, this poly life. We seem to go through extreme fluxes of horrible times and insanely wonderful times. Yesterday was the anniversary of the first time that Jack and I ever spoke. Our first meeting if you will, even if it was just online. We reflected on the past 6 years, and the one thing that can be said is that it hasn’t been dull thus far. The Poly Experiment™ might only be a year old, but trust me, that was just one of many bright ideas I’ve had along the way. I often comment that Jack and I are so perfect for each other because I keep him from being bored and he keeps me…out of jail, LOL. Being thoughtful and really the best man I could ever ask for, he remembered that yesterday was special and presented me with beautiful flowers upon my arrival at home. It was the perfect reminder that no matter what else he might have going on, I will still be special, and certainly not forgotten or pushed aside.

The world also happens to look substantially brighter when one is planning the most spectacular party of the year! Last night V and I went shopping for clothing to wear to my New Year’s Eve party. We went to Adam N Eve’s off of McLeaod Trail here in Cow Town.

I bought a pleather miniskirt to wear with this silky tank top I own. The top looks like lingerie, and with the skirt it’s extra sexy. V bought a top to wear with a denim mini skirt, and possibly fish nets. It’s going to be a hot party. We’re expecting lots of people, it’s going to be fantastic. V and I have been pumped up about it for weeks.

So, all in all, things are alright. Jack is being super accommodating and I am fighting myself tooth and nail not to take advantage of that. It’s not easy, every time he offers to call the whole thing off I have to bite my tongue not to say “YES! I JUST WANT THINGS TO BE FRICKING NORMAL AGAIN”. But, I won’t. That’s not fair to anyone, least of all me. If I don’t force myself to grow and work through this, I’ll be failing myself, and all the things that have become important to me over the past year or so.

I totally forgot about HNT this week, oh well, sometimes life gets in the way.

I’m hoping to get up one more toy review, and possibly the next part of my story, before the blog goes into temporary hibernation. I’ll only be away from Christmas Day until sometime shortly before or after New Year’s. I probably won’t have time to blog until January 2nd.

I hope everyone has a great weekend! I promise to post at least one more time before I go away for the holidays

*David Brin

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

The best of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasmer participants. Want in Sugasm #60? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

By Invitation Only (http://dirtylittlecockslut.blogspot.com)

“I was being watched by a room full of people, but all I could think about was his thick cock, pounding me, his balls slapping against my ass.”

Love that aural sex (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)

“…The lazy way your honeyed tones flow out, saying my name, or merely whispering “Is that good, baby? You like that?” as you slide a finger in and out of me, deliberately and slowly.”

What BDSM Can Tell Us All About Sex (part 1) (http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com)

“That’s another form of power exchange: if I ‘let’ you have sex with someone else, it’s very different than if you sneak off and fuck that person without having permission.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Everyone Diggs Porn (http://sugarbank.com)

Editors’ Choice

Sandra Claus (http://secretbrain.blogspot.com)

Sponsored Link

G-Spot Orgasm Survey Take the G-spot survey and win one of two £100 LoveHoney sex toy shopping sprees

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

6 Weird Things About Me Sexually…I’ve Been Tagged! (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

“F” is for fabulous… (http://blackbookgirls.com)

My Wacky Erotic Mind (http://www.seska4lovers.com)

Sex Toys - Your Next Erotic Frontier (http://sexdriver.blogspot.com)

NSFW Pics (& videos)

Cleanliness is Next to Horniness (http://kitchen-girls.blogspot.com)

Keeley Hazell Calendar 2007 (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

Mini-Documentary of me… (video)(http://duckydoo.livejournal.com)

Super hot nude girl from Ron Harris (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Threesome Advice (part 3) (http://www.seskuality.com)

Sex Work

Amateur Porn “Penetration” - Part VI (http://blog.homegrownvideo.com)

Another One About Sex Work (http://sabrinainstockings.com)

Loud Sex (http://www.model-chat.com)

A Quickie (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

Sexy Humor

10 Unintentionally Naughty and Terrible Domain Names (http://www.teen-porn-site.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Anonymous (http://lafillemariee.blogspot.com)

He Took off My Clothes (http://www.suzanneportnoy.com)

I wanted to lick her out so bad (http://thediaryofanenglishrose.blogspot.com)

My Addiction (http://randisexadpoetry.blogspot.com)

Office Heat - Part 1 (http://dirtytalk.wordpress.com)

Red Light Special (http://ellabeecoquette.blogspot.com)

Snowday Sex (http://mandyseroticlife.blogspot.com)

The Sportscar, Part 2 (http://erotischism.blogspot.com)

Such a Nice Girl (http://onlyamirage.blogspot.com)

Sex and Politics

Masturbation: How to Conquer the Corrupting Habit (http://www.taratainton.com)

Teacher fired for porn past (http://deliciously-naughty.typepad.com)

BDSM and Fetish

A Nawty Story: Jenny’s New Slave (http://anawtymouz.blogspot.com)

Dishonourable Discharge (http://assistantmistress.blogspot.com)

Leaving on a Jet Plane (http://naughtythoughtsinmymind.blogspot.com)

Morning masturbation (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Naval floggings: the girls take their turn (http://www.spankingwriters.com/blog)

Playing at the W, Part III (http://www.betweensheets.net)

Split Penis, Anyone? (Editor’s note: Don’t say we didn’t warn you.) (http://pornster.blogspot.com)

Sex News & Reviews

Blue King Pleasure Scepter Glass Dildo Review (http://stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)

Shay’s Sexmas Gift Guide 2 (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

I don’t know what I want to say here just yet. It’s been a long time since I needed to write so badly but couldn’t necessarily find the words. Something is happening right now and it doesn’t make any sense and it hurts and I hate it and I am trying to desperately to fix it but I don’t know if I have the tools.

Jack has found a young woman via the Internet who thinks he’s about the sexiest thing that ever lived (can’t argue with her there). Their conversations are long and mostly involve discussing all the sexual things that they are planning to do when she gets back from visiting her family. She’s an attractive young thing, thin and pretty, just what Jack needs for a fling or even a prolonged relationship. She seems very genuinely attracted to him and has no problem with their encounters being purely sex-based, at least to begin with, who knows where it might go from there.

In my brain I couldn’t be happier for him. I am really glad that he is having more success when it comes to females. I can see that it makes him feel good and I know sometimes he feels like he is too old or not attractive enough for this whole poly thing. It’s hard enough to win over women when you are single and shy, never mind when you have a wife and kids in tow. It’s exciting for him and I know how fun and thrilling the early stages of a relationship are, and I don’t want to begrudge him that experience.

On the other hand, my heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest and I just want to die inside when I think about him doing sexual things with someone else.

We talked about it last night and at first I just felt general yuckiness and then upon closer examination I came to the conclusion that my negative feelings center almost entirely around sex. I don’t mind if he dates women, kisses them, or even falls in love with them. For whatever reason none of those things are especially threatening. It’s just when I think about him being intimate with anyone that I get all of these horrible feelings. Of course as soon as I start feeling badly I start berating myself for not being able to deal with this better. I’ve read all the stuff, I know all the steps to handling jealousy, yet I can’t seem to get the end result.

I suspect that my negative feelings, which seem to manifest themselves as anger towards Jack, which is very troubling, are totally based on my personal insecurities. What sort of insecurities you might ask? Well foremost, I have some pretty serious body issues. I don’t talk about it a lot here, or really anywhere, but there are a lot of things about my physical self that I really loath. I do not have the kind of body that I want, the kind of body that I used to have. I know that there are ways that I can shed some pounds, or even plastic surgery if I really want to be extreme, but even then, I think I will still hate how I look. I am neither thin nor especially beautiful, and I have a hard time being happy with myself the way I am. Just when I think I have figured it out, I seem to end up back where I started.

I have been this way almost my entire life. The only time I can recall feeling satisfied with my appearance was for about 6 months, right after I turned 18 and right around the time that I met Jack. I am not sure if this is just selective memory on my part or if I really did feel good about myself. I believe it to be the latter. During that time I was in excellent shape, I walked everywhere since I didn’t have a car, and I loved shopping for clothes because I looked cute in pretty much anything.

Once I got pregnant with my son it pretty much all went downhill. I didn’t lose weight after he was born and I suffered depression right up until I got pregnant again with my daughter. I was lonely and so I hung out at home all the time and sat on the couch and ate junk. I never went anywhere because I was so embarrassed about how I looked. I remember Jack encouraging me to make plans with my friends and I would have none of it. V and I went almost a year without seeing each other because I wouldn’t go anywhere except to visit family. We live in the same city! I just refused to leave the house.

After Sadie was born it sort of snapped me out of it. My hormones leveled out and the depression part pretty much dissipated. I started to get out a little more. My body issues weren’t gone, but I didn’t want to let my life pass me by while I waited around to get happy with myself.

I’ve gotten better over the last year or so. Learning so much about yourself certainly does that. I’ve grown a lot, and I feel like this is the only thing left that contributes to any dissatisfaction I have with life. Other than that I really have no complaints. In fact, I have it made. I have the greatest life of anyone that I know, certainly the most interesting and exciting. I have everything going for me, I just hate my body.

I think that if I felt better about me, it would matter less that Jack wants to sleep with other people. When he was dating O I felt insecure initially. Not because she was especially skinny or prettier. She could pull off wearing a bikini when I wouldn’t dare to do that, but her and I were friends, and I adored her, so I felt good about him being with her. Things moved so gradually with them. It wasn’t like one afternoon he just announced that he was interested in this random girl that I know nothing about and was going to sleep with her.

V and I were discussing it last night. She said that she would feel more insecure about another woman being more skilled than her sexually. She has body insecurities as well, although not to the same degree as me. I started to think about how each person has their own private issues. Jack for instance was initially fine with me having sex with anyone I wanted, but he could not tolerate the idea that I could fall in love with anyone but him. I don’t seem to be bothered by the feelings part, and I am not especially worried about her being better than me in bed. Although the idea of him doing things with her that he does not do with me, that I would like him to do with me but he doesn’t seem to want to, that pisses me off to no end. Hopefully I am at least somewhat justified in that? I have asked him for things that I want, but it doesn’t happen, and yet he has talked to her about them doing it. Is it fair for me to be upset? Is it alright for me to tell him he can’t do things with her until he does them with me? Is it ok to have some sexual things just between him and I?

Anyway, back to the main issue here. I have problems with myself, and I don’t know how to either fix it or come to some sort of peace with myself. I am trying, I honestly am. I don’t like how it makes me feel, I especially don’t like how hostile it makes me feel towards Jack.

Last night was hard for me. I was out with V and K when I was having a moment about it all. I didn’t want to go home, I didn’t want to have to be near Jack or even look at him. I didn’t want to be alone either, I just wanted to feel loved by someone who was not him. I really wanted to just indulge myself and go to K’s and just be with him, because I knew that it would make me feel better at least for a little while. I didn’t though, I know I am just really raw and vulnerable right now and it’s probably better to just try to get through it on my own. I feel like if I really lean on anyone right now besides V that I will just be using them for some sort of emotional fix and that’s not ok.

I am afraid of what will happen if I try to just force myself thought this though. I thought about how I would feel after Jack has sex with her. I don’t know if I could be around him, or if I could stand him touching me. I worry that for a long time after I’d just think about him being with someone else and it would make me feel ill and our sex life would be non-existent because of my retarded hang-ups. It’s so stupid and I just get more angry at myself for being that way. I hate that I can’t just be alright with things.

Maybe I’ve just been kidding myself this entire time and I can’t really hack this poly thing. How hideously selfish of me to indulge in it and then deny Jack because I am stupid and insecure and pathetic. I want this to work dammit. I want it more than I think I have ever wanted anything. Part of me just wants to grit my teeth and hold on and ride it out. Maybe that’s the way to go, I am not sure. I need to figure something out though, that’s for sure.

Anyway, this post is probably long enough now. I’m certain you are all tired of reading my bitching. I also want to say I am sorry for missing Sensual Sunday yesterday. Life just got in the way. I promise that the next part of the story WILL get posted.

In closing, here is a video from Our Lady Peace, which is one of my favorite bands. This is one of my favorite songs by them and it never fails to make me all emotional. It also very accurately reflects my current mood.

*Steven Meretzky

Emotional Issues Insecurities Jealousy Open Marriage Our Lady Peace Polyamory Sex YouTube

Jack and I saw this commercial during the Super Bowl, WAY back when we were first together, LOL. We thought it was the most hilarious thing ever.

Stiletto Diaries has a MySpace now. I feel dirty about it, but I think it will be a good opportunity for networking.

http://www.myspace.com/stilettodiaries

Yes, the name I use on there is NOT Stiletto Girl, because soon that name will be a thing of the past (no, I don’t intend to leave or close up shop, you’ll just have to wait and see).

Please feel free to friend me if you so desire

And if anyone knows anything about making a myspace page look nice, clean, and well put-together, I could certainly use the help.

Even though it’s pretty sadistic, this commercial amuses me to no end. Don’t worry people, it’s not real. For one thing there is a lack of spraying blood. Not to mention that no company in it’s right mind would slaughter an animal for the sake of advertising…well, at least night right in front of us.