Stiletto Diaries

At the suggestion of a friend, I’ve decided to resurrect a few posts from my first sex blog (which was written a few years back). Most people don’t know that this is the third incarnation of my sex blog, and the following post is from my first attempt. I don’t have an actual date for this post right now, but I can say that it was likely written sometime in late 2004. The blog was mainly focused on BDSM and in this entry I spoke of my aversion to the idea of swinging.

I’ve gone through and changed the names since we were not known as ‘Jack and Shasta’ back then. If I get some good feedback on this I’ll likely post more of my old writings for your enjoyment.

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while, but to be honest it is kind of a touchy subject for me, so I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write it at all. But here it is now, I wanted to be honest in this blog, even if it is a little uncomfortable sometimes.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I would feel sharing Jack with another woman. Not full time of course, but just as a one time thing, maybe more if it was a good experience. It is something that I know Jack is interested in trying, although he is not pushy or forceful about it. I struggle with my desire to please him and my own bad feelings on the subject. He would never let us get into something like that unless he knew that I had no reluctant feelings and we had talked extensively about our expectations, feelings, desires, etc. Even though he is the Dom, this is still a marriage (and he has been my husband much longer than he has been my Dom), he would not want to jeopardize that just to get his way. Some people might think that he should just make all the decisions, period. But that is not us, that is not what we signed on for here. We will not try to fit ourselves into someone else’s preconceived notions, we are doing this our way.

When it comes to something like this (that could cause all kinds of trouble should it go badly) he will always make sure I feel comfortable, and if I am not, it will be dropped. Sorry to everyone who says that is not proper D/s, but kiss my ass. Everyone would agree with me if Jack wanted me to have sex with a dog or something and I refused. We have kids and a life together, no play of any kind is worth ruining that over, and we both agree on that.

Over the course of our relationship we have talked about having sex with other people many times, either as a threesome with another woman or man, or with another couple. I go back and forth as far as my desire to do it, sometimes it seems like a good idea, sometimes I cringe and shake my head. The thought of Jack being with another woman, touching her, looking at her naked… most of the time it makes me feel awful inside.

I know that before the Sex Show weekend I talked about the possibility of us playing with my two friends. Let me get this out of the way now, it would be different with them. I know how Jack feels about them, I know how they feel about Him, I have known them for years, I know pretty much everything that there is to know about them. That would be different, for me there is a level of comfort there. What I am talking about in this post is finding someone (or a couple) for the main purpose of having sex with them.

So I don’t like the idea of Jack being with someone else. Some people probably come to the conclusion that I don’t trust him. That is not the issue for me, I have done a lot of soul searching about it and I just don’t think that it comes down to trust. I don’t really like the idea of me being with anyone else either, to be honest. I don’t have a desire to sleep with another man, in fact I think the only way I would do it is if Jack ‘lent me out’ to another Dom in the context of BDSM play. And even then, I am afraid that I might chicken out. To me, swinging is just something that I don’t want to do, like I don’t want to try scat or blood play. I don’t think that people who do that are wrong, whatever floats your boat, but it isn’t for everyone.

In addition to that, I am at a stage right now where I don’t feel that great about my body. The thought of anyone seeing me naked besides Jack makes me cringe. I am packing some extra pounds from my pregnancies and my breasts aren’t as perky as they used to be. Who can enjoy sex when you keep thinking about how jiggly you ass looks and how flabby your tummy is? Not me that’s for sure.

I have read and heard that human beings were not meant to have only one mate for life. Men (and women) want variety, which is true is some cases I suppose. As far as my feelings, I have pretty much bought into the whole monogamy concept. I wouldn’t want to share my toothbrush, let alone my husband. I know that he will still look at other women, even want to sleep with them, but I don’t think that I can get on board with that, at least not right now. I try to never say never (with the exception of my hard limits) but in the foreseeable future I just can’t picture myself enjoying the experience. Perhaps my fears are unreasonable, silly even, but would it really be worth trying something that could cause us so many problems?

I am going to keep beating this dead horse for a moment. What if we did do it and Jack really liked it, but I hated it? What if I couldn’t get past that? What if I resented him for the rest of our marriage? What if he wanted another threesome/foursome/whatever and I refused? I am usually all about the worst case scenario. And what if it went well? That would be OK, we are all happy, no problem. But I keep asking myself, is the relationship that we have been building for four years worth risking over one night of sex? I don’t think so, and I know that Jack feels the same way.

If you are into getting some ass outside of your committed relationship I wish you the best. Not everyone is into it, just like not everyone is into BDSM, watersports, sex in animal costumes, and so on. If there is ever something that I am into the Jack is not, I hope he will be OK with telling me so, and we can just forget about it and move on. I hope that I made some sense during this post, writing it was one of those rare occasions when I am not sure that I got my point across. If I think of any other points I wanted to make I can always write another post, which I might have to do to respond to comments and questions from my readers. I have done far too much thinking today, I am glad that bedtime is only a few hours away, LOL.

At the suggestion of a friend *Winks* I’ve decided to resurrect a few posts from my first sex blog (which was written a few years back). Most people don’t know that this is the third incarnation of my sex blog, and the following post is from my first attempt. I don’t have an actual date for this post right now, but I can say that it was likely written sometime in late 2004. The blog was mainly focused on BDSM and in this entry I spoke of my submissive tendencies.

I’ve gone through and changed the names since we were not known as ‘Jack and Shasta’ back then. If I get some good feedback on this I’ll likely post more of my old writings for your enjoyment.

The Nature Of My Submission

I come from a family that is dominated by the women. My mother is definitely the Head of her household. She looks after the money, pays the bills, decides what purchases are priorities, makes all of the major decisions regarding the kids (she has 3 teenagers at home still), and so forth. My grandmother and most of my aunts are the same way. I was raised being told that men are little more than stupid animals that must be cared for and whose main role in life is to provide money for the family and sperm for baby making. Otherwise they are pretty much totally useless and best left out in their garages tinkering with things so that they don’t get in the way. If I ever learned anything from my mother it was that I should never get myself into a position where I had to rely on a man in any way. Even if I got married I should still be capable of supporting myself (and any children) in the event that I got divorced. All of her intentions were good I am sure, but she turned me into a bitter man-hater by the age of 12. I decided then that I would never have children, and if I did get married to a man that wanted children, he would stay home and raise the babies while I worked, preferably away from home for long periods. Was I messed up!

And then when I stated dating I was most often attracted to men that were physically weaker than me. Usually they were not too bright and were happy to let me be the boss of everything. I was becoming my mother, eep! I soon found that it got old being in charge all the time, I think that I fell into the trap of bullying my boyfriends to try to get them to react to me with force or something. I didn’t know what I wanted so I swore off dating and just concentrated on my friends. And then I started talking to a man, a man who was not like most of the men that I had dated. He was so open with me, so honest about everything. And I could open up to him. He was very intelligent and easy to talk to. The rest is history and now he is my husband.

So, now I am married to a man that is not content to tinker in his garage (actually we don’t have a garage right now, but you get the idea). He likes to be involved, he takes care of the money, he has his own ways of doing things, he does not let me be the boss all the time. I am having a hard time adjusting. This can’t be right, this isn’t what I was taught, the world is upside down!!! And then it dawns on me… I don’t have to be a bra-burning feminist, I don’t have to be my mother, it is OK for Jack and I to find our own way. Wow, I never knew, lol.

Fast-forward to now, 3 years later. We are pretty much past all the pains that occurred when I was trying to grasp what a real marriage should be and letting go of ideas that I had that were not right for us. There have been moments, and I don’t pretend that everything will be all roses from now until the end, but we are finding our own groove. And then I come up with another one of my infamous ‘great’ ideas. Why don’t we try to make things more complicated by getting D/s involved in our happy little life together? Jack says that sometimes I can really be a pain in the ass by making things much more complex than they need to be. But in this case he is going along with me. So now we need to try and fit these new ideas into our life.

I have to admit, I have a hard time some days. Part of me still hangs on to the idea that real women never relinquish control, that they make the decisions, that their husbands obey them. But another part of me screams that I don’t want that. When it comes to the kids Jack usually defaults to me. That is just because I care for them all day and most of the decisions at this point are about what to give them for breakfast. He also gives me money for groceries, etc. and it is my responsibility to spend it wisely so that we get to eat everyday. Also he gives me chores to do to keep the house clean. When it comes to major things, like big purchases, we both have our say, and then we try to come to an agreement. For example, recently we wanted to spend big $$$ on a DVD camera, but we knew that there maybe were other things that we needed more. So we decided to buy it, but that it would be our Christmas present to each other. That was simple enough, we both agreed. However, when there are times that we disagree the negotiation process can go on for weeks. Sometimes he just decides, and that is it. I try not to have thoughts of revenge, lol. Sometimes he sees my point after I explain my feelings, which is fine. And sometimes we find some middle ground and everyone gets their way. When we first got married I told him that I would try my best not to be one of ‘those’ wives, that *allow* their husbands to do things. I have worked hard at that. Some days I slip and say no before he can finish asking me if he can go watch football with his friends. Luckily he is patient with me and allows me to explain. Maybe the kids have been crazy that day and I just really need a little help with them. I am only human, I have only so much patience. We work it out either way. And so far it is going really great for us.

Now that we are starting into D/s I wonder about decision-making in the future. I get a little nervous when I think of him just getting to decide everything all the time. I think that might be too much for us. I think that we will just keep on the way we are, sort of. Hopefully he will always ask for my input when it comes to big decisions (like buying a new car or something), but maybe he will take over more day to day. It has already started. He assigns me chores, if they are not done, unpleasant punishment is certain. If there are additional things I want to do, that is fine, but I cannot substitute a self-assigned task for one of his. So that works well, it keeps me motivated. When it comes to things that we want to buy we seem to have an understanding that if it is over $50.00 we make sure it is ok with the other. I think that maybe sooner or later he might dispose of that, at least for his part, but maybe not. We are still trying to find a groove for combining aspects of D/s with vanilla life.

I am glad that he is not one of the husbands that complains about their wives. In fact most of his friends think I am pretty easy-going. I ‘allow’ him ~winkin~ to do all kinds of things that their wives usually don’t. For a while after the last baby was born I didn’t want him to be away from home, except to work, but that is only because I was trying to adjust to looking after the kids and so forth. But now it is getting better. He just went away on business for 2 nights and I found that I can survive without him for that long, so I think that he will be taking a ‘weekend with the guys’ in the near future. And maybe he will just inform me that he is going and give me that special Domly look, and that will be that. The tiny part of me that is still tempted to burn her bra might object, but I think that Jack could whip her into submission ~giggling~.