Stiletto Diaries

I’m Not A Whore. I’m A Relationship Technician.

Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Dear ShastaHello Shasta,

I found your blog through researching some toys for the bedroom. I know this is a bit strange for the blog, but I’m a male asking a serious question because I am so terribly confused.

My girlfriend and I are looking to get into some anal play, and she has this fantasy where she wants our roles reversed. She was to do me with a strap-on, and having used prostate stimulation toys before, I am quite open to it. The problem is that we have absolutely no idea where to begin. I’ve looked into harnesses and strap-ons, but everything confuses me. Basically I want something that she can wear
that will be inserted to give her pleasure as well as myself pleasure. The Feeldoe fits this bill quite nicely, as it gives vaginal and clitoral stimulation (although you mentioned it was quite weak). I’ve not quite found any harnesses or full on belts that have a vaginal insert/clit stimulator built in, although I know that they

We are both students, so money is a little tight at the moment– which is why we’re asking for some advice before we put the money down for something. Any help would be appreciated!

Thank you for the excellent e-mail :D I always love hearing from my readers.

Your question is a good one! I think that I would totally recommend the feeldoe for you two. You can purchase accompanying harnesses that also come with their own vibrating bullets.

Here are a couple that are feeldoe compatible and include their own vibrating bullet (generally in a pouch of some sort):

Corset Harness

Velvet Vibrating Harness

There are other harnesses out there that you can attach dildos to and all that, but honestly, I don’t think they are as good as the feeldoe.

The only drawback is that you can’t use silicone lubricant with silicone toys (like the feeldoe) so if that’s a big problem, let me know and I can find you something else.

Since money is an issue (as it is for most of us) I would suggest you invest in the slim blue feeldoe and try it without a harness to begin with. Some people find it perfectly wonderful just as it is. If you feel you need a harness, then you can purchase that next, when you can afford it :)

Hopefully that information is useful to you. Let me know if you have any other questions!


Do you have a question for Dear Shasta? Questions can be submitted via , or posted in the comments section below. Submitted questions will be answered in upcoming Dear Shasta segments. Questions can be on any topic you wish.

Dear ShastaHi Shasta!!

I was wondering if you could help me with something. I chose you because of knowing of your polygamous relationships, you’d be able to help.

I am not a polygamous type of guy, have always been a single girl relationship seeker (although x-somes would be fun :)

The reason I am emailing you is because I love my girlfriend, XXXXX. We’ve been going 26 months, and we’ve been through A LOT. There is this one girl though, her name is YYYY, and I swear to God, no matter what I do, I CANNOT get her out of my head. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen…EVER….and she’s single…

I have no idea what to do, and it’s been giving me heartaches, because I have no idea. This have been going on since about Jan-Feb of last year.

Thanks SG!!

Thanks for the e-mail :) First off, one correction: Polygamous means many spouses (usually associated with one man marrying more than one person). My relationship style is Polyamory, which means many loves. These relationships do not have to be really serious, but generally feelings on some level are involved. Just wanted to clear that up :)

Let me ask you if you think XXXXX would be open to the idea of sharing you? Do you think, given the right circumstances, that she could be ok with you loving someone in addition to her? Keep in mind that if she absolutely cannot consider polyamory for your relationship, you are either going to have to leave her to pursue another relationship, or completely give up on YYYY. Either way you need to make a choice, to do what makes you happy.

If you want to try polyamory with XXXXX the first thing you need to do is be completely honest with her about your thoughts and feelings regarding this other woman. Explain to her that while you love and adore her as much as ever, you are ALSO, at the same time, attracted to someone else. Be prepared, she is going to be seriously threatened and angry at first. It could potentially end your relationship.

Is that worth it to you? Is it that important to you to be able to pursue other relationships? You need to ask yourself some hard questions before you go forward with this.

Take Care!


Do you have a question for Dear Shasta? Questions can be submitted via , or posted in the comments section below. Submitted questions will be answered in upcoming Dear Shasta segments. Questions can be on any topic you wish.

Dear ShastaShasta,

Recently, a friend of mine’s vibrator died. I’d like to get her a replacement, but I’m discriminating in my tastes. Only the best.

The poor girl needs relief. I may be her only hope.

I went through your reviews, and you have several that you rated highly, but…is there ones in particular, should be stuck on an island, that you would just *have* to have?

Thank you for the note :)

Hmmmm, trapped on a desert island. Well it really depends on what sort of stimulation she likes? Does she prefer clitoral? Penetration? Both? G-spot?

The rabbit is very popular, although prone to burning out if you use it for longer than 20 minutes at a time. If you did want to go with a rabbit, I would suggest you go with the iVibe by Doc Johnson or any rabbit manufactured by them.

Also, my love of Fun Factory toys is no secret. Considered some of the best made toys in the world, just about anything they make (besides the layaspots, which seem to often malfunction) is excellent.

Personally, if I had to choose only three toys to keep from my collection, these would be my top choices:

iVibe Rabbit Vibrator

Galan II G-Spot Vibrator

The Cone

I had almost completely forgotten about The Cone, but amongst my pals, it’s a huge hit (in fact I’m not even sure who has the thing right now, since I like to share the love).

Hopefully one of those will be the right fit for your friend.


Do you have a question for Dear Shasta? Questions can be submitted via , or posted in the comments section below. Submitted questions will be answered in upcoming Dear Shasta segments. Questions can be on any topic you wish.

Toy Lust TuesdaysDo you know what this blog needs? More anal toy reviews! Woohoo. To assist me on my quest to bring you the best in back door bedroom bling, Pleasure Me Now sent me the Kobe Tai Anal Adventure Kit. The idea behind this kit is to provide a variety of anal toys suitable for beginners, right up to more experienced individuals. Buying a sex toy kit is generally cheaper than buying toys individually, sort of like buying a boxed set of dinner wear, or wrenches. You get a good taste of several different toys you may not have otherwise considered. Plus if you are feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of styles and sizes available out there, this sampling will help you find out what you like or don’t like.

First, lets take a look at what this package offers. To begin with, a bottle of anal lube. Basically your run-of-the-mill water based lubricant. Anal lube is often of a thicker consistency than lube designed for vaginal use. Nothing to write home about here, similar to KY gel. I know that there are some anal lubes available that are designed to desensitize or numb the anal area, and I plead to you, NEVER USE THEM! If you are in pain during anal sex, you’re doing it wrong. Seriously. Damage to your anus can easily occur if you are numbed to the discomfort, even minor tears to the opening can become infected and result in awkward visits to your doctor or hospital. This is easily avoided by passing on the desensitizing lubes and listening to your body’s signals during any ass play.

Kobe Tai Anal Adventure KitNext there is a set of anal beads, and these unassuming little gems are a load of fun. There is a well-known technique often recommended that involved rapidly pulling the string of beads out of your partners behind as they are climaxing. It’s a totally incredible sensation. Highly recommended. As an aside, never, ever purchase anal beads with string between the beads. Unless it is well coated in silicone, it will harbour bacteria and other gross stuff. Bleh, just avoid it all together.

Two butt plugs, in different sizes and shapes are also included. They are both quite small in size, perfect for beginners. These are the sorts of toys you should start with if you are new to anal play.

Last, there is a very basic vibrator with two sleeves of different textures. This set is only recommended for people who have done a bit of anal play. The vibrator can be used on it’s own (I would suggest that before trying it with a sleeve) and is easily covered by a condom. Speaking of condoms, I would encourage you to cover all of your anal toys with condoms. Feces, when transferred to your vagina can cause irritation and yeast infections. Transferred to your mouth it can cause E coli, Hepatitis A, Hepatitis E, pneumonia, and influenza. Please be careful when using toys for both your anus and vagina or mouth.

I found the sleeves difficult to get on and off of the vibrator. I would advise sprinkling a little corn starch inside the sleeve before putting it onto the vibrator to assist with removal later on.

This kit is certainly an excellent set for the curious and inexperienced. It’s enough to get you started on your way to a long and fulfilling journey through the joys of anal pleasure. None of the items are too intimidating or scary, nor huge and unusual.

This Product Receives:

5 Out Of 5

Dear ShastaHi,

I came across your blog a few days ago [and I’ve already read through most of it], and it feels a bit strange, e-mailing someone I’ve only heard of through a blog, but I was wondering if you could try helping me out.

From what I’ve read, this isn’t really your thing, but my girlfriend has expressed interest in using a strap on [I’m female, by the way], and I’ve been doing some research online about different harnesses and such, but still have no idea what I’m looking for. So far the most intriguing option is the Feeldoe, which I know you’ve used.

If you’ve got any advice or tips or what have you to help me figure what I’m doing, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for the e-mail, and I am flattered that you’ve taken the time to read through so much of my blog! Please don’t feel strange, I get e-mails quite often from random blog readers :)

Ok, now for your question. When it comes to strap-ons I actually do have a bit of experience. I own a vac-u-lock harness system that I purchased for personal use ages before the blog came about. Having tried the feeldoe, and talked to a number of lesbian and bi-sexual women about it, I would encourage you to give it a try.

There are a number of harness systems that are compatible with the feeldoe. I would advise you to order a harness if you’re going to be purchasing a feeldoe (especially the larger sizes). Here are three compatible harness systems for the feeldoe:

Corset Harness

Universal Harness

Velvet Vibrating Harness

The most important things to consider when shopping for strap-ons are how comfortable and adjustable the harness portion is, and how many attachments are available for it. With the vac-u-lock for instance, you must buy specific vac-u-lock attachments. With other harnesses, such as the above ones which operate with a ring holder, any dildo/vibe with a flared base will work with harness.

Your specific needs when it comes to the dildos you wish to use will likely play into which harness option you choose.

I hope that helps!


Do you have a question for Dear Shasta? Questions can be submitted via , or posted in the comments section below. Submitted questions will be answered in upcoming Dear Shasta segments. Questions can be on any topic you wish.

Pretty Dumb ThingsI hadn’t really planned to post anything today, but I am having a bit of a dilemma and I had hoped my insightful and wise friends out in the Land O’ Blogs might have some thoughts to share.

See, I’ve been chatting a bit to this new guy, in the hope of establishing some sort of Friends With Benefits arrangement with him in the very near future. Thus far he seems agreeable to us hanging out, doing ‘pals’ type things, and also sleeping together if the mutual desire presents itself.

Which is excellent. At this point I am not looking for anything serious. I want someone I can have social time with and the sexual aspect is always a plus.

This male is, in a word, pretty. Actually gorgeous is a better word but I just like calling him pretty. He’s incredibly good-looking, great body, fantastic smile…in a word, YUM!

Unfortunately he also seems a little…dumb. Not stupid mind you, just not very intellectual. A little blah in the brain pan you might say. He doesn’t do a thing for me when it comes to intelligence.

This is a problem because smarts turn me on. Not the only thing that turns me on of course, but if we’re going to spend any time talking, I’d prefer the other person have a good handle on intellectually stimulating conversation.

Now, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt here. Normally the lackluster content of our initial conversation would have earned him The Block And Delete. However, I realise that some people just do not communicate well online. Some people can’t translate the thoughts into the written words very effectively. It goes the other way too, I’ve met people who were fantastic writers and yet having a conversation with them made me feel like I had to ‘Dumb Down’ so we could connect on some level. I am totally planning to meet him at least once so that I can get a better feel in real life.

Lets just say though, that he actually IS equally blah and duh in real life. Would it be wrong of me to tolerate him just so I can have [hopefully] awesome sex with such a pretty, pretty man? Should I just walk away even though he’s so delicious I could eat him with a spoon? I mean, generally speaking, there are aspects of just about every person that we don’t really adore completely. That doesn’t mean we can’t click with them in certain ways while just accepting their lesser traits as part of the overall package. Especially in situations where it’s going to be a casual thing and there aren’t any expectations of true love.

What do you guys think? I’ll give you the run-down of course when we actually get together in real life, and this entire thing might be moot. Share your thoughts, I’m eager to hear them!

*Orson Scott Card

CleopatraI’ve been having a lot of conversations lately about personal strength and being a woman.

Before I get rolling on this let me say first that I do not really consider myself a feminist, nor have I ever claimed to be one. I’m not trying to say “Hooray for women, we are so great”. I’ve never been able to identify with the feminist label, nor have I done a lot of research into what being a feminist entails. What I do know is that save for a select few, I have strongly disliked most of the women I’ve met who claim to be feminists, mainly due to their tendency to be victims of their life. Also, even though they claim to want equality, most of them seem to harbour a smug superiority complex towards men, which I find revolting.

That aside, what makes for a strong woman?

Many people have commented to me that they are inspired by my personal strength. While I find this highly flattering, it got me to wondering what it is about me that they perceive as strong?

Don’t worry, this post isn’t going to be of the “Yay Me!” variety.

Foremost I believe that strong women refuse to play the victim role in their lives, no matter what the circumstances. Even if they actually WERE a victim, suppose of a rape, they refuse to let that define them, or to control them forever after. The strong women I know tend to be independent (yet still vulnerable) with a solid self image and a clear sense of who they are. Well, as clear as any of us can get, LOL. They do not feed into co-dependant relationships, or allow themselves to stay in situations which force them to compromise excessively.

Generally speaking they seem to live their lives to the fullest they know how. Doing the things that bring them joy and fulfillment without trampling others in the process. They create friendships and connections that are genuine, honest, and open. A strong woman will be upfront with you when you have pissed her off. Rather than avoiding the situation or pushing it aside in order to prevent conflict. She will address the situation at hand, speaking her truth while being accountable for her own experience.

I’m really getting so tired of women who settle for less than complete happiness in life and in relationships. It’s not impossible or unrealistic, and I find it sad and pathetic that any person (man or woman) would rather sit in their own shit, instead of getting up and doing something about it. Why sell yourself short? Don’t you think you deserve the most out of life? Stop letting your partner, your family, or your friends convince you that you can’t do it on your own. Don’t let them tell you that you aren’t capable of doing anything you want to do.

A lot of what drives us to settle or not to strive harder to get what we want is fear. We all get scared sometimes, and if anyone tries to tell you different they are either full of shit, or delusional. Fear doesn’t need to control you however. You know what my motto is?

Fear is the opportunity to be courageous.

It really is you know. Being afraid of something is the perfect reason to tough it out. Stand up, show your strength. Why do you think I get pretty much everything I want in life? Believe me, I do, but not through questionable means. People tell me all the time that they have never seen me fail at anything I have put my mind to. I can be terrified, which I know means I’ll feel totally awesome when I come out the other side successful. What an awesome way to live, don’t ya think?

Of course just resigning yourself to mediocrity is less work. FAR less. You’d best stay on the porch if you’re not up for a lot of pain and ugliness. Getting the most out of life isn’t easy, but then again, nothing worth doing is. Knowing that is part of what makes a woman (or man for that matter) strong.

You all know I get scared. You know I fall and doubt myself and cry and scream and rage. I want to give up sometimes, more often than I care to admit. Maybe the fact that I never do, the fact that no matter how down I am I always get back up, is why people remark on how strong I am.

Maybe it’s all an act right? I am sure people think that, but you can’t fake real strength for long. You’ll crack under the pressure if you’re all talk and no walk. Real strength, the kind that comes from deep inside you, can’t be pretend. You’ve gotta really believe it, and yourself..

Strong women are not manipulative, nor will they be pushed around. They will gracefully admit to being wrong, while fiercely defending what they feel to be right. Most of them are protective of the people they love and will not shy away from emotional situations. They speak their mind without being arrogant or overbearing.

Being strong doesn’t mean being pushy or insisting on having your way. It also doesn’t mean being cruel, proud (in the negative sense) or haughty. Be proud of yourself, and who you are, but don’t be a braggart or a snit. Strength comes not from a sense of superiority, but from fairness and equality when dealing with other people. Really strong people don’t feel the need to prove themselves, ever, to anyone. They are comfortable and confident with themselves, regardless of the opinions of others.

I know that I am not always everything I’ve discussed here. I don’t think any of us are. People tell me that I am strong and instead of shrugging it off or trying to be modest, I say “Thank You” because I know that it’s true. I AM a strong woman, and I won’t pretend to be otherwise to avoid making people uncomfortable.

I’m really proud to be who I am, and I embrace myself, warts and all. What I don’t like, I’m working on turning around, without blaming my shit on anyone else. The only person who can make or break my life is ME.

My wish is that all of the awesome women (and men) I know will be able to say those words and really mean it, to the depth of their soul. I know I do, do you?

*Charles Stross

Get Off The Scale!Edit: You may have noticed the title change on this post. When I have posts sitting in draft, I generally assign them an arbitrary title until I post them. I put this one up so late last night that I forgot to insert the new title I wanted to use, LOL. Just wanted to avoid any confusion about it.

Most people here know that I am currently working at losing weight and getting fitter. Over the past three months I’ve dropped 20 pounds and I am feelin hotter than I have in ages. I wanted to share some of joy and success here with you.

Am I the thinnest or healthiest I’ve ever been? Hell no. Then again, 95% of what makes a woman sexy is confidence, the courage to be herself, and her attitude about HERSELF in general. Believe me ladies, no guy ever wants to listen to you gripe about your weight, your skin, your cellulite, or any other self image issue you have. As much as they might love you, the only person who can fix it is YOU!

I’ve not had an easy time losing the weight thus far. Jack is a notorious snacker, and my kids have to have access to a lot of things I can’t eat (no, not junk, but a lot of starches like corn, potatoes, and pasta) They need full-fat foods since they are still growing and very active, unlike their mum, LOL. That means I have food right in my face that I love but I can’t have. Guess what? I didn’t bitch and gripe about it, since it’s not THEIR fault their mother/wife has an issue with food. Why do you need to punish everyone around you just because you want to eat like a piggy? I don’t believe in that. I believe in being in control of my life and what I put in my mouth (don’t get pervy on me here).

The keys to success at weight loss are simple, at least the ones I use:

A) Put junk food into perspective. It was not designed to be eaten all the time. I still eat junk food, ice cream, chocolate, deep fried anything, etc and yet I still manage to lose weight. The trick is not to tell yourself that you can never eat those things again, it’s to tell yourself you can only eat them in moderation. If you have a chocolate habit, allow yourself one small piece of chocolate per day. The 80 or so calories will NOT kill you, or make you get fat. If you love fried food, once a week eat as much of it as you want in one sitting. Had a really crap day? Go ahead and have a piece of cheesecake or a fudge sundae. That’s my way of thinking. I don’t feel deprived, I know I can eat any old thing I want as long as I keep it in moderation! Let’s say I want to go out for dinner this week someplace I really love. I will set that meal up as my big splurge and eat really responsibly the rest of the week (both before and after). During that meal I give myself permission to have anything I want, without guilt, because I know I am making really healthy choices for all of the other 20 meals I had that week. I lose weight this way, and I don’t have to be obsessing over all the things I’m ‘not supposed to have’. Deprivation (either perceived or real) is the fastest way to fail.

B) I eat all the vegetables I want, whenever I want. I hate diets that try to restrict you down to very specific amounts of everything. Never restrict your veggies, eat as many as you possibly can, and eat them raw or cooked with little to no fat. I eat lots and lots of fresh cucumber, yellow and orange peppers, tomatoes, and greens. The only vegetables I restrict are corn, potatoes, and beans/legumes due to the high starch content. Otherwise I eat as much as I please.

C) Starches and carbs are not your enemy. They are vital to your survival. Go ahead and eat 1 or 2 starches per day, just make them Smart-Starches. Whole grain breads, whole wheat tortillas, garbanzo beans, black beans, corn, wild rice. All of those are great dietary options, and you can enjoy them without the guilt because they are good for you! Moderation remember, you don’t need to eat 5 servings a day. Repeat after me: Two Will Do. That is my motto on starches and carbs.

D) Protein is good. You need to have some with every meal. I eat three servings of lean protein a day. Cut back or cut out red meat and pork. Eat more fish and seafood. Chose white meat chicken, and start eating turkey! I really love buying turkey cutlets at the grocery store and grilling them. Or I cut them up and make a little stir fry with some bok choy and bamboo shoots. Yum!

E) Fresh fruit is awesome. Eat it, twice a day, and I make sure I’ve had both servings before supper time. Apples, peaches, grapes, you name it. If you really feel you can’t manage that, have some fruit juice. Make sure it’s 100% real juice though, made from concentrate is OK but fresh squeezed is better. Buy juice that has to be refrigerated, that’s your best bet to avoid preservatives and added junk. I often have a cup of juice in the morning with breakfast, especially if I am on the go.

F) Dairy is good, especially for your bones. I have two servings a day, optimally one for breakfast and one for lunch. I drink 1% milk, because skim is icky, and I buy light cheeses to add to wraps or other dishes. Although I don’t quibble too much over reduced fat dairy, since I don’t eat a ton of it and for the most part it’s the healthy kind of fats. No processed cheese!

G) To make it really simple, go out and buy yourself a plate that looks like this. For breakfast just imagine it’s divided into four and put one serving of each food group on it. For lunch I fill a small section with protein, the other with a starch and the remaining half with vegetables. For supper have a small section of protein and the rest should be veggies. That’s just how I work it but you can mix it up. Basically I try to stick to the formula that supper should be the lightest meal of the day, consisting of only veggies and protein.

H) Drink your WATER! I cannot stress this enough! I easily retain 5 or 6 pounds of water alone when I am not getting in 64 oz per day. If you have a hard time drinking water get some Crystal Light. I prefer to add lemon myself. Make a point if drinking at least 16 oz of water per meal, and then add in the other two whenever is most convenient. DRINK YOUR WATER!!!

I) Reward yourself, but not with food. I generally set up big rewards at regular intervals (lets say for every 10 or 20 pounds you lose). Treat yourself to a day at the spa, a new set of gel nails, having your hair done or colored, a night out, or whatever it is you have been wanting and felt you didn’t deserve. Clothes are also awesome, a new outfit to show of the awesome new body, or fun accessories to go with stuff you already have. Make it be just for you, spoil yourself a little. Avoid putting a tight time-frame on when you have to reach these goals. That way, if you don’t make it to the goal in time you don’t feel frustrated and disappointed with yourself, which will cause you to back-slide. Losing weight takes a LOT of time. Have some patience. I also like to reward myself for other healthy lifestyle changes. Say if you consistently go to the gym, three times a week, never missing a week or going less than three times. Reward yourself at the end of each month you do that. Get yourself a new purse, a book you’ve been wanting, or a coffee date with your best friend. Do something nice for you when you are sticking to your schedule!

J) Keep a food journal, or just a weight loss journal in general, or both! I write down every single thing I eat, every single day. This creates accountability, for me, your mileage may vary. I also track my water per day, and any extras I’ve had (like coffee or a treat). Having a written record will also help you identify areas you need to work on. Maybe you’re not getting enough fruit, or skipping meals, or having too many ‘treats’. Keeping a journal or blog to talk about your feelings or struggles you are having encourages success. You can also use it to write down rewards for yourself, short and long-term goals, and any other healthy living stuff you may want to remember. I also use mine for those great recipes you cut out of a magazine and may never look at again. There are lots of possibilities.

So, those are the 10 things I do in order to lose weight. I know it seems like a lot at first, but I wrote it all from having ingrained it into my lifestyle over the past three months. Eventually, you’ll just ‘know’ and you won’t have to be reading or focusing on your weight all the time. Hopefully I’ve inspired some of you! I know a number of my blog friends are working on weight issues right now so I wanted to post some help and encouragement for them.

Keep at it gals (and guys) because we’re all in this together. I’m pullin for ya! We can do it!

I’m having a bit of a discussion in my head, and with Jack, and so I wanted to put it out here for a little talk amongst all us blogger peoples. Please understand that I am not upset with Jack, nor trying to attack him here. I am just looking for a little perspective on the situation at hand :D

First off, Jack gets a fair number of vacation days during the year. So far this year some of them have already been devoted to move stuff. He still has quite a number of them left and now there is some discussion as to what to use them for.

Exhibit A:

V is coming out here for 5 days in October, to join me for The Sex Show. We are both really pumped about this since I will not have seen her for some time by then, and won’t see here again after that until early January most likely. We are obvioulsy going crazy missing each other (observe the comments).

Exhibit B:

Jack was planning to take a week off in September, since our eldest starts school and since his job has been psychotic all summer, learning all the new stuff, it would be a nice break for him. I know he’s been really needing some time off to relax a bit and the next opportunity to do so is some months away (in November).

The other day I mentioned to Jack that maybe he could move three of those Septemeber vacation days that he had planned to take, and use them while V is here. My thinking on this is that her and I will have been seperated for about 3 months by then and I’d prefer not to spend all of her time here with kids in tow. Yes we will have Saturday and Sunday, but that’s not a lot when you haven’t seen someone in ages and there are a lot of things you want to show them. Jack also works LONG hours and gets up at the crack of dawn, so her and I might have 4 hours to ourselves late in the evenings, and then have to go to bed so that I could function as a parent the next day. It would be so nice to have Jay home to watch the kids, just for those days, so that I could take V all over Toronto and we could have some fun together. Besides, being a mom means no vacation days for me! Plus I can’t call in sick, ever!

His side is that he was really looking forward to a week off here at the end of the summer. I can understand that, and I do feel pretty bad about asking him to give that up. I would never have mentioned it if it wasn’t really important to me that I have some time with my friend, and a break for myself! Jack works so hard, busts his ass for us so that we can have everything we want. I mean it, he rarely says no to me if I want something. He spoils me rotten, and I know what a very lucky woman I am to have him.

So, to make it easier to get opinions I am putting it to a poll. Feel free to comment if you wish to expand on your opinion or offer us any suggestions on how to make it work so that we both get what we want!

Nothing Is Sacred!I mentioned in my last post that I did not intend to tell The SmartAss about my blog. This is an issue I’ve been rolling around in my head for weeks.

Now that I live in a new city I have the option of keeping it secret. In Calgary it was hard because I started off telling people about it and then even if I didn’t tell them it usually got found out through a mutual friend or it would get mentioned in passing at social gatherings and then all the people who didn’t know would get very curious.

It’s not that I really cared though, it was more or less just a problem when it came to writing about some of those people. When O was ‘involved’ with Jack (I use the term loosely because I could hardly call it a relationship) she requested that I not write about their relationship. I grudgingly went along with it because I don’t like to disrespect people and their privacy. When I was first seeing LD he also asked me not to write about him, and again I reluctantly agreed. It was terribly annoying on both counts, but I didn’t know what else to do under the circumstances. I didn’t want to piss anyone off or deter them from being my friend, etc. At the same time, major stuff can happen and then I am at a loss for how to sort myself out. I’ve debated secret blogs and the like, but that seems…I dunno, like more hassle than I should have to go through.

After the thing with O and LD I decided that I would never allow anyone to dictate to me what I could or could not write here. That’s not fair and I’ll never agree to it again. It’s not like I go around using people’s real names or identifying them in any way so why should I have to watch what I say? If you don’t feel comfortable with it, don’t get involved with me.

Then there is another issue. All that aside, what if I want to go on a tear about a person? Like on the weekend when I made this post about not being able to write here, it was actually because Jack reads this blog, and I was feeling aggravated about something between him and I. I didn’t want to just rip him apart to get out frustration, I was actually not sure how to communicate to him what I wanted and why I was upset about how things were going.

However, I didn’t think that Jack would appreciate me doing that. Being only mediocre at verbal conversation under pressure, I use this blog as my sounding board to get all of my thoughts in a row. It gives me great self-perspective, and it’s cathartic for me. When I can’t or don’t want to write I find other ways. Talking to friends, having some quiet time, writing in my journal to V, etc. Rarely I get caught between a rock and a hard place when all I want to do is write here and yet can’t.

So it seems obvious, just don’t tell anyone about this blog if I am going to be in a relationship of any type with them. However, if I am going to be at all close with someone, then I feel like I have to keep part of me a secret. A lot of work and effort goes into this place, and I am really proud of it. It also seems somewhat unethical to write at length about someone and not tell them. I mean having a private diary is one thing, but putting out out to the world like this is another. That’s just my feelings of course, I know a lot of people who keep blogs which are secret from their spouse or friends or significant other. That’s not really me though. The main reason that people are so comfortable being open with me, is that I do my best to be totally open and honest with them. I think that if someone I was close with found out way after the fact that I had been writing about them in secret on my secret blog, it would shatter that.

I’m not sure what to do now. It’s easy to say “Well whatever you feel comfortable with” but I’m not sure I’ll feel comfortable either way. There are pros and cons both ways so I am asking all of you for your thoughts.

If you were involved with someone and then found out later that they had been blogging about you for months would you feel like you had been lied to? Betrayed? Would you be hurt or angry?

Do you keep your blog a secret from significant others? How or why is that so? Do you think you would ever share it with them?

If people know about your blog do they give you a hard time about things you may or may not write about them? Do you allow people any input whatsoever? Why or why not?

So many questions! I was going to create a poll but there are just too many possible answers so I hope some of you will share with me in the comments or via e-mail.

Tonight I am going to a local Kink Munch* to try to meet some people and make some like-minded friends. Wish me luck :D Details tomorrow!

*Munches have become a way to meet like-minded kinky folk in an informal and hassle-free environment. Usually the setting for a “munch” is a restaurant or coffee shop or similar environment. - Society Of Janus Website

*Neal Stephenson