Stiletto Diaries

Why can’t I just follow the rules?

I’ll admit, I’ve never been very good with rules. In high school I made it a personal goal to break every one of the of rules (and there were several pages worth) in our student handbook.

I think I succeeded actually, and was very lucky to never get caught.

These days it’s not really a matter of getting caught. When I fuck up, I tell Jack as soon as possible. Even though I know I am going to disappoint and upset him, I couldn’t stand the thought of keeping anything from him.

Now then, I’m sure you’re wondering what brought this on, so I’ll get to the story.

While I was staying at my mum’s, my two younger brothers and I went out to the bar on Wednesday evening. We were just going to have a drink and shoot the shit. Seeing as my home town is pretty small and it was the middle of the week, things were very dead. There were only about a dozen people in the place and six of them were my brothers friends.

We sat down and I saw a guy who looked very familiar to me. I was 99% sure I knew who he was, and he obviously thought he knew me as he kept looking at me, and I at him. I went to the bathroom and on my way back to our table he stopped me and asked if I was [insert my name here] and I said that I was. He grabbed me in a big hug and asked me how I’d been. I sat down at the table with him and his other friend and we started catching up on what all had been going on. I suppose he needs a name of some sorts for the purposes of this story, so we shall call him L. We hadn’t seen each other in five years, so there was quite a lot to tell. I also found out from him how a lot of our mutual friends were doing that I have lost touch with.

“I think about you a lot you know” he said. I was pretty surprised by that. L and I always had a bit of a crush on each other, but one of us was always involved with someone else and it never really worked out. One day, in a moment of mutual weakness, I gave him a blowjob (even though we were both dating other people) but that was about as far as it went. I hadn’t really expected him to still think about me and wonder what had become of me, but apparently he had.

I told him about Jack and the kids and what all I had been up to. He was still in shock that we had run into each other. He told me he never thought he would see me again and that he had wished I had kept in touch after I moved away. I was flattered that he was so happy to see me, and obviously all of our old feelings for each other hadn’t died off.

He had to get some cash from the ATM machine and he asked me to come with him. I thought that was sort of odd, since the ATM was just across the bar, but I figured he wanted to tell me something away from his friend, so I went with him.

“I’ve really missed you, ya know” he said while he punched in his pin number. I just smiled and said I was surprised that he even remembered me. He laughed and said “You gave me the most incredible blowjob of my life, I’ll never forget you as long as I live. I talk about you all the time actually. I can’t wait to tell everyone that I saw you, they’ll never believe it.” I wasn’t too sure what to say to that so I just smiled and nodded.

We went back to the table and he ordered us another round. He kept staring at me and grinning the entire time. Pretty soon one of my brothers came over and said that they had to take one of their drunk friends home. I told him not to worry about it, I could catch a cab home, and to tell mum that I ran into some people I knew and I would be home later.

L’s friend went to the bathroom and while he was gone L asked me pretty much out of nowhere if Jack and I were into swinging. If it hadn’t been glaringly obvious before it certainly was at that moment, he still wanted to get into my pants. I decided to just tell him the truth, so I explained that Jack and I have an open marriage and that I have a boyfriend as well and so on.

“I would love to take you home right now” he said. “I’ve wanted you pretty much since the moment I first laid eyes on you. For the past seven years I’ve been fantasizing about being with you… I wish things could have been different with you and me. I think we could have been really good together.”

OK then.

I hadn’t expected him to even know who I was let alone find out that he still wanted to be with me and had been carrying on his crush all this time. I’ll admit, flattery gets you pretty far with me, and he was laying it on thick. He all but asked me to marry him (although if I had been single I’m not entirely sure he wouldn’t have tried that).

His friend came back and he toned it down a little, but it was still very apparent that he was totally taken with me. His friend just smirked and the three of us chatted about mundane things.

L got a call on his cell phone and after hanging up he invited his friend and I over to his place because some other people were going over there and since the bar was closing right away he thought we could hang out more. I wanted to see some of my other friends from school so I said sure, I’d go over for a bit.

We caught a cab to L’s and I got to catch up with another old friend. She and her high school sweetheart (I knew both of them really well back then) are getting married and they already have a little girl together. I am so happy that they are still together and doing fine.

L wanted to show me the rest of his place so he took me on the tour. Even I realized that he just wanted to lure me into his bedroom, but I indulged him anyway. We went into his room (which was of course a mess) and he closed the door behind him. I turned around and he grabbed me and kissed me hard. I wasn’t totally expecting it, but I didn’t push him away. He let go and stepped back and sort of shivered, then he smiled and shook his head.

“You still have that affect on me, even after all this time.”

He kissed me again, and to make a long story short, we ended up having sex. And before anyone asks, yes we used a condom.

Immediately afterwards guilt set in. In the heat of the moment I had neglected to call Jack before I did anything. I was being selfish, and I can’t come up with any justifiable reason for not calling.

I told L I had to get going. We exchanged numbers with the promise of keeping in touch, and then I caught a cab back to my mom’s place.

I didn’t sleep much. I kept thinking about Jack and K and cursing myself for being such a dumbass. No sex I’ve ever had is worth disappointing Jack for, and I couldn’t figure out why I hadn’t just said no to L. I don’t have any good reasons. All I can say is that I did have a lot of feelings for L way back then, and part of me did want to finally find out what it would be like to be with him. He’s very charming, he always has been, and he has always made me feel like I was the most special woman in the world to him. I wasn’t expecting him to still make me feel like that, but he did, and I just totally fell for it. Not that I’m saying he wasn’t sincere, because I know him well enough that I believe everything that he said. That doesn’t justify breaking my agreement with Jack, but I’m just trying to explain where I was coming from, so maybe I can figure out why I broke our rule.

In the morning I decided not to tell Jack what had happened until I got home from my mothers. He was at work and I didn’t want to unload it onto him until we actually had a chance to talk about it. In the past I have actually told him important things while he was working on purpose, because I knew he wouldn’t be able to freak out about it until he got home. However, that isn’t fair to him because then he gets distracted and upset at work and ends up getting nothing done and feeling like shit all day. It isn’t fair to do that to him, and I didn’t want to let myself off easy by telling him via e-mail or over the phone, I wanted to talk to him face to face.

However, I had to talk to someone about it because I was in a panic and the guilt was overwhelming. I called up V and spilled the entire story to her. She got me calmed down and reminded me that we all make mistakes (sometimes really big ones that we could have avoided with a little common sense). She gave me some encouragement and reassured me that in the end it would be alright and that regardless Jack would still love me, no matter how disappointed or angry or upset he got.

By the time the conversation ended I felt a little better. I was nauseated the rest of the day though and by the time I got home and Jack got home the thought of telling him made me want to throw up.

We sat down and I told him what had happened. He was understandably disappointed. He didn’t get angry or anything, it was more like he was really sad that I had broken the rules, yet again. He said he wasn’t sure we could continue having this open relationship if I couldn’t follow the rules. I had absolutely nothing to say in my defense. I mean, like I said, I can’t justify it at all. I was being totally selfish and that’s the bottom line.

I don’t blame him at all for being upset and for questioning his ability to trust me to abide by our agreements. Obviously I have a problem doing so. All I could do is sit there and feel miserable and guilty. Of course I apologized several times, but that really doesn’t make it all better. Jack still isn’t sure what to do. He said that it’s hard because he doesn’t want to just let it go, but that the same time there aren’t really any consequences to my breaking the rules (besides him being upset and me feeling like a big bag of poo). At the same time he says that he doesn’t know what it’s like to be in my situation, and I know he’s trying to be understanding, but I still don’t think I have any good excuse.

Right now I guess we’re basically not sure what to do about the situation. I don’t have any ideas, neither does Jack. We’ll talk more about it tonight I think and perhaps we can come up with something. I know he is hesitant to put a stop to us having an open marriage, but he is also frustrated with me because I have broken the rules three times now. I don’t really know why I don’t follow them. Basically I just get to a moment where I am totally selfish and not thinking of anyone but myself. Maybe I need to be put on probation for a while or something until I prove to Jack that he can trust me. I don’t know what exactly that would entail, but at this point I just don’t know what to do.

So, after I aired everything with Jack I called K. I knew I had to tell him what happened as well. I know that he would tell me if he fucked anyone else, and I always want us to have that openness, so I repeated it all to him. He actually reacted way better than I was expecting, which was a relief. K and I don’t have any rules between us per sae, but recently I told him that I wasn’t interested in pursuing anyone else and that I didn’t plan on hooking up with any other guys. K had been skeptical of that even at the time that I said it, but he was nice enough not to say “I told you so” too many times last night after I explained what happened. I never anticipated that I’d run into someone I used to be really attracted to and that he would still want me. I certainly wasn’t looking to hook up with anyone.

Our conversation made me feel better and worse at the same time. Better because K was really good about it and understanding and all that; worse because K was really good about it and understanding and all that and here I have gone and possibly compromised my relationship with him by breaking my agreement with Jack. If Jack decides that he really can’t trust me to follow the rules, K and I will have to be ‘just friends’ and it will be no ones fault but mine.

I just feel like shit about it all. I wish it had never happened, or at least that I had called Jack (if I had he would have vetoed me so nothing would have happened anyway). Why in the fuck can’t I listen to my own good sense and just do what I am supposed to do? Why do I always have to make things harder/more complicated/messier than necessary?

I didn’t want to blog about this because I hate looking like an idiot (although clearly my actions would show that I am one). There isn’t much point of blogging if I can’t be honest, and this is a pretty significant event as far as my relationships go, so there it is. You get the good, the bad, and the really bad.

I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news. The bad news is that this entry is probably going to be fairly long, LOL. The good news is that you will have until Thursday to read it because I won’t be blogging between now and then (going to my mum’s house for the week).

First off, I want to blog a bit about my conversations with Jack on the weekend. We usually have our best conversations in the car (I tease him that it’s because he can’t escape and has to sit there and listen to me, LOL). Anyway, I expressed that lately I have been frustrated with how reactionary he is. I feel like I have to fight him every time I want to see K. I told him that I don’t like how I have been feeling towards him and our marriage, and that as much as I care about K and want to have a relationship with him, I couldn’t keep doing it like this. I didn’t want to be irritated all the time, I was sick of arguing over every little thing. It’s particularly distressing because Jack and I so rarely argue. I can honestly count on one hand the number of serious disagreements we’ve had during our marriage, so when we do have one, we both feel very uncomfortable. It’s not that we’ve been fighting often or anything, but there has been a noticeable increase in tension between us and I don’t think that either of us wanted it to continue.

After I said what I wanted to say Jack was silent. I realize something about myself and Jack in hindsight now, I expect him to have answers when I want them, instead of giving him the opportunity to come up with them on his own time. I started in on him, asking him his thoughts and what he was feeling and what he thought we should do. His reply to me was simply “I don’t know”. Well that just made me angry, because I want answers, and I want them now damnit!

After a few more unsuccessful attempts to get him to say anything besides “I don’t know” I shut up and we traveled in silence.

During that silence I came to the conclusion that I expect Jack to have thought about the situation more than he had. I have pretty much all day to think about things. I blog about it, talk to V about it, examine it in my own head. I devote a lot of time to thinking about my marriage and my relationship with K and all that.

Jack, on the other hand, has very little time to think about things that are happening. He has to think about work and lately that has been eating up more time and brain function than usual (Jack is going through a pretty big transition at his job that has meant a lot of 12 hour days for him). When he gets home he just wants to vegetate and then go to bed. I know he has been frustrated lately because all he has time for is working, eating, and sleeping. Some days he only gets to see the kids for a few minutes in the morning as they are in bed by the time he gets home. There hasn’t been much time for us or for him to do anything he enjoys, and that has been wearing on him.

Me being a lot more self-centered than I care to admit, was pretty oblivious to this because I was more concerned about MY free time. I was annoyed that Jack had to work so late and that I was having to shoulder the entire responsibility for our children a good part of the time. I wasn’t being the least bit sympathetic to how shitty things were for HIM because it was all about me! me! me! I feel like a complete asshole now.

Turns out my utter lack of regard for Jack and his feelings was a major part of the problem. Once I left him alone to think, eventually he started talking. He told me he has felt that he is being replaced. He felt that I was neglecting him, and that K gets all the quality time with me. I assured him that neither of those things were true, but I certainly haven’t been proving it through my actions.

He also said that he felt I wanted to spend too much time with K. He and I had slightly different opinions about how much time was enough. He suggested we get better about setting up a schedule of sorts, so that he wouldn’t feel I was constantly asking him if I could go see K, and I wasn’t feeling like he was constantly saying no and getting pissed off about it. So we compromised and twice a week is what we settled on. One of those is to be an over-night or all-day visit on the weekends, and the other will be a weeknight visit that will be flexible depending on everyone’s schedules. Having it set up like that makes it a lot less stressful on both of us.

We are also going to start having V babysit once every week or so, and that way Jack and I can go out and do fun stuff together as a couple. That way he won’t feel like he is missing out on doing things with me that we can’t do with the kids.

Things at his work will be easing off in the next few weeks and getting back to some semblance of normal. He won’t be working psychotic hours anymore and that will reduce the strain on him a lot.

We talked a lot and it was really good, we both felt so much better by the time we got to his parents place. We had a nice relaxing weekend (I think that helped enormously, it was good to just get away and spend some time together).

Last night V was going to watch the kids so that Jack and K and I could go for wings. By the time the end of the day rolled around Jack didn’t really feel like going out, and he decided that I should just go out with K and he would come home and watch the kids. I told him as long as he was sure that he was ok with it, that would be fine. I ordered pizza for supper for him and the kids so that he wouldn’t have to worry about what to feed them. I called V to let her know she didn’t have to come and watch the rugrats, and then let K know that there had be a slight change of plans and it would just be he and I going out.

Jack got home and ushered me out of the house. I drove to K’s place and we went for wings at one of my favorite pubs. The place was packed, which is pretty normal for wing night, you had to shout over the noise though. K had a hellish day at work and told me all about it. We had a really good time, but after an hour and a half we had enough and headed back to his place.

I stayed another two hours there and we fucked and cuddled and it was all good. I knew he was tired and had to get up early for work so I tucked him into bed and told him I would talk to him Thursday when I got home from my moms. His roommate was already in bed as well so I let myself out and headed home. I called Jack to let him know I was on my way. Everything was good, there was no tension, it was nice.

I have to make a correction to yesterdays post before I forget. I said that I hadn’t bruised, but yesterday afternoon I checked out my butt again and sure enough there were some purple welts on my rear end. Oddly, they were not from the cane, but from the wooden spoon that Jack used on me as well. Woot! I have bruises!

By the way K, you didn’t bite me hard enough last night to leave any marks He He

This afternoon I am heading to my mother’s for two days. I’ll be back Thursday sometime, and perhaps I will post another picture for Half-Nekkid Thursdays, but we’ll see.

Also I have another column coming out for Polyamorous Percolations on the 1st. I’ll be putting up a link here once it gets published. It’s a good one, so ya’ll can look forward to that.

I hope everyone has a really good week! Take care and don’t destroy the place while I’m gone

P.S. If you are a scheduling freak like me, check out 30boxes.com. Basically it’s an online calendar that you can make available to family and friends so that they can keep track of you, LOL. I just found it today, so I haven’t had much time to play around with it, but it seems pretty useful.

I hope that everyone had a good weekend. I was sorry to read that Padme’s father took a turn for the worse. My thoughts are still with you, as always *HUGS*.

I mentioned last week that I was going to hopefully invest in some new toys Thursday night. I ended up ordering the LayaSpot vibrator (in black and silver) because, well I wanted it very badly. I should be picking up my new toy on Wednesday or Thursday this week, and I am sure you will get a product review before the weekend is over

I also bought a bamboo cane.

No, not the walking stick sort. I’m talking about the thin whippy variety used to leave welted stripes across the flesh of willing pain sluts.

Last night Jack tested it out on me, and it has become his new favorite implement. It takes very little effort to achieve maximum results. He spent over half an hour leaving bright red lashes across my rear end, and was obviously delighted with the results. My ass is still sore, although sadly I don’t have a bruise to show for it. Next time I am hoping for a warm up before he lays into me with it.

Our weekend was nice and relaxing, nothing too thrilling occurred. Jack and I had a lot of time to talk, and we worked through all of our recent issues concerning our relationship.

I plan to discuss that at greater length as soon as I get the time. Right now I am off to the gym to get sweaty and flirt with the really cute (although sadly straight I think) personal trainer that I like Have a great Monday!

Some of you may or may not have noticed that one of my good friends and regular commenters, Padme, has been absent from this blog recently.

Her father is in the hospital and is very ill and so understandably she has not had the time or inclination to comment here or elsewhere.

This afternoon they are going to try and let her father breath on his own. I know what a huge step that is, it is a frightening thing.

Please pray for Padme’s father, or send good thoughts or karma or whatever you happen to believe in. If he can start breathing on his own it will be a huge step towards his recovery.

If it’s not to much to ask, go over to Padme’s blog and just let her know that people out in the blogosphere care about her, and are pulling for her Dad in this difficult time.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Padme, I’ll be unable to check blogs while I am away, but you know I will be thinking about you and praying for your Dad. Take care of yourself please, I worry about ya.

This is not necessarily going to become a regular thing for this blog. But today I am in a mood

I am not sure why, but I love this picture… Hope you enjoy!

Jack was contemplating issuing a new rule for this blog:

“No blogging while you’re on your period”

*Sighs*

I know I was completely unfair in the second half of my post yesterday. I should have cut it off earlier but I was in a mood (frickin cramps) and I just let my mouth run away with me.

Jack is NOT a horrible person. He does NOT try to keep my sheltered in the house all the time. He does NOT call me constantly and hassle me and ruin my outings every time I am with my friends. And up until VERY recently I would be calling and texting him every half hour while he was out.

Jack is a good man, and a fantastic husband (not to mention father to our children). He lets me have a LOT of freedom (you probably already knew that considering the fact that I have K, LOL). He works horrific hours at a job he only likes half the time, just so that he can give me every little thing my heart desires. He humors all my crackpot ideas and does everything in his power to fulfill my every whim. I really could not ask for anyone better, and I’d be a total fool if I didn’t appreciate what an incredible man he is.

Last night Jack and K went out for dinner together. What an odd feeling it was (funny odd, not yucky odd) to know that my husband and my boyfriend [K has an aversion to me using that term in regards to him, but too bad! HA HA] are out together without me. They’ve never really spent time together when I wasn’t around. I was really hoping it would go well.

They went to Brewster’s and ate and what not. Mostly they chatted about mundane things, but they also talked a bit about our situation. Jack just wanted to assure K that any problems that might happen in our marriage really have absolutely nothing to do with him. K sometimes worries that he is putting unnecessary strain on my relationship with Jack, and that is simply not the case. I tell K that all the time, but I was glad that Jack reinforced what I said. Jack basically told K that if he was causing problems, he’d be the first to know about it.

They also talked a little bit about me, and how I like to overcomplicate things *rolls eyes*.

Anyway, they had a good time, and will likely be getting together again sometime soon (probably to go to the strippers, LOL).

Tomorrow night I get to have some girl time out of the house. I ordered my smart balls (and V’s) through and acquaintance of mine who sells sex toys from her home. She orders directly from the suppliers and her prices are far cheaper than buying through commercial adult toy stores. Basically you pick things out of catalogues, she puts in an order once a week, and you receive your items within 7 business days. V and I are going over there to pick up the smart balls that I ordered last week, and also to sit around and chat over coffee and browse the rest of her catalogues.

I think I want to order this vibrator from Fun Factory. I’d like it in the black and silver, and I believe it’s waterproof, which is a bonus! I wouldn’t mind one of these either

So I am looking forward to that, I am sure it’s going to be a lot of fun. I’ll tell you all about it afterwards (and of course write up some product reviews once I have a chance to test drive any purchases).

We might be having company over this afternoon (one of Jack’s friends who is in town for the week) so I’d better go tidy up. Hope everyone has a great day!

Ugh, I don’t really feel like blogging about the rest of the weekend.

Basically Jack and I had a fight while I was out having drinks with V because he didn’t feel that I was making my date with him a priority. I felt he was being unreasonable because I had full intentions of being home, and when he called and pitched his little fit V and I were just paying our tab and getting ready to leave.

Long story short we had an argument on the phone. He was feeling like I always put him second to everybody else and I was feeling like he doesn’t value all the stuff I do for him that makes it pretty obvious (to me) that he is my top priority a good part of the time.

We eventually talked and made up. I just don’t feel like having to get all into it right now.

I think that the root of the problem is that even though I spend a lot of time with Jack, he doesn’t feel that it’s quality time. A lot of the time we’re relating as parents because we’re dealing with kids and what not. We don’t do a lot of lovey romantic stuff like we used to, and that’s hard for Jack because he’s actually a huge romantic. He has done things like surprise me with weekends in Banff at one of the nicest hotels there. For my 19th birthday he flew to where I was living at the time (I had no idea he was coming) to surprise me. He used to send me roses at work, take me for supper at some of the nicest restaurants in the city, and open my car door all the time. Oh I’ve done my share for him too. I have actually sent him flowers at his work, surprised him with picnics in the park and gone to great lengths to get him collector sports paraphernalia.

Lately I guess we’ve been slacking. It’s hard with kids. We can’t just take off for the weekend or out for dinner. We still do lots of little things I suppose, but it’s not the same. It was fine before now because it was just a fact of life. However, it’s hard for Jack that I can do a lot of stuff with K that he and I don’t often do together. The last time Jack and I went out together was the beginning of January. We kind of fell into taking each other for granted I suppose, and now it’s all coming to the surface.

I have also been projecting a lot of my own ideas onto Jack. I am a very complicated person (ask anyone that knows me). It’s never simple with me, it’s always complex. You can rarely take anything I say at face value, as it usually has half a dozen hidden meanings. I am overly analytical, sometimes to a fault, and I guess I often assume that everyone around me also thinks in this way.

Well, Jack does not. Jack is a self-proclaimed simple man. If he tells me how he’s feeling, that’s it. There is no hidden agenda, the issue isn’t deeper than it seems. He has been very frustrated with me lately because he feels that even when he tells me how he is really feeling, it’s like it’s not good enough for me, like I always expect there to be more to it. It drives him crazy.

On the other hand, I sometimes have a very hard time believing that things are as simple as he claims they are because he seems to change his mind every five minutes. It’s very confusing to me, and then I get back to thinking that I need to read into what he says more because obviously it isn’t as straightforward as he claims it is.

Jack is very reactionary. If he has a problem he wants me to know it RIGHT NOW. Sometimes he doesn’t always think about his words or actions beforehand, and then he tends to blow things out of proportion. We both end up upset and hurt, even though the issue was much smaller than it seemed at first.

I think that I need to establish some boundaries. For instance, if he has a problem I would like for him to sit on it and think about it for at least an hour before he says anything to me about it. That will give him time to become rational about it and not so heated.

If I am out in the evening, I would prefer that he wait until the next day to raise any issues with me. Mainly because V pointed out, that in her opinion, every single time her and I go out Jack seems to have some issue that can’t wait. He ends up calling me and 9 times out of 10 it ends up ruining the evening. He does the same thing when I am with K. It’s like when I am away from him he gets upset, and it makes it so I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t think that it’s fair at all, and a lot of times the issue is something that can wait, it’s not pressing. A lot of times it’s about him not trusting me to be home at a time that he feels is appropriate, or he feels I should have called and checked in with him.

I’ll admit, I used to do the same thing to him, but I have been making a huge effort to curb that. When he is out I try my best not to call and disturb him. I don’t ask what time he’ll be home, and I don’t call him to tell him that the kids are driving me crazy (even when they are) because I know that will just ruin his night. If he doesn’t call me at all until he’s on his way home, that’s fine with me.

Is it unreasonable for me to want him to extend the same courtesy to me? If I have an issue I hold onto it until we have a chance to talk about it in person. The only time I really suck at that policy is if I am very angry with Jack and he is at work. Then I find it difficult not to e-mail him and let him have it. After our last big fight via e-mail I have decided it is best not to do that anymore, so I will work at curbing that as well.

I’ve also noticed that Jack doesn’t mind if I have people over, he prefers it to me going out. Perhaps because then he doesn’t feel left out. Maybe because I’ll be around to help with the kids as well. I don’t think that he understands that I find it almost impossible to really relax when I am home. For one thing there are always 32 or more things that I could be doing around the house, and sitting there knowing that makes me feel guilty. Plus having people over means I feel it necessary to make my house spotless. Yes I try to keep a clean house, but there is no doubt it’s lived in, and there are usually toys strewn everywhere and dishes needing to be done. It’s stressful for me to have people over, especially last minute.

Sometimes I just want to get out of the house, get away from it, go out and be with people my own age.

What a lot of disjointed crap this post is. Ah well, I’m done rambling for today. I could go on and on and on but there really isn’t much point. Better publish this while Blogger is in a good mood (the connection has been off and on all morning).

Now that I’ve rested and am enjoying a cup of caffeine, I can blog some more about the weekend.

Saturday morning I got up first with the kids and fed them some breakfast. Jack had offered to get up with them, but I wanted to let him sleep in a bit. So I kept them occupied for a couple of hours, and then got Jack out of bed. I wanted to spend a little time with K in the morning, as he had been acting kind of weird before bed. He was half asleep, so I crawled into bed beside him and we cuddled a bit.

I asked him what was wrong and he basically said that he didn’t feel he should be at our house and that he felt out of place. I assured him that was not the case, but that’s how he was feeling so what could I really say?

Then we started kissing (and here’s where things go downhill) and groping and I wanted him right then and there, but we didn’t have a condom handy, so we broke the condom rule.

*SIGHS*

I know, I am a total asshole. Apparently I didn’t learn my lesson as well as I thought I had. I didn’t even want to write about it here, but I am trying to admit my mistakes. I feel like a piece of crap, I’ve already talked to Jack about it and he just shook his head and asked me why exactly we even have rules if I am just going to ignore them. What could I say? I fucked up.

Anyway, K and I finished, and I was laying on my stomach on the bed and he was laying on top of me. Just then Jack walked in and glared at us. He gave me shit because one of the kids could have walked in (although honestly they never go into the spare room). Ok, so that’s two BIG fucking mistakes in one morning. I was on a bloody roll.

Brilliant, Goddamned Brilliant.

So Jack was cranky for the rest of the morning and afternoon. He was indifferent towards K which probably didn’t help how K was feeling. I cornered Jack in our room while the kids were occupied by V and K. We had an argument because Jack has been feeling neglected and I didn’t feel that he had been upfront about his feelings. Basically he was upset because he and I don’t spend enough quality time together. I told him I felt like he had been upset about it for a long time and had not told me his feelings. We talked a little and sort of made up but the issue didn’t really get resolved.

I decided to make a run to get some coffee and lunch for those who wanted it, and I asked K to come with me so I would have a chance to talk to him some more.

I felt crappy about how the day was going. Lately I know that K has been sort of questioning our relationship. I know that he loves me, but the reality of the situation can be pretty overwhelming. None of us was expecting this to happen and sometimes it’s hard to deal with it. I think that K tries to own a lot of the little scuffles that happen between Jack and I, even though when it comes right down to it they have nothing to do with him. I know he worries about putting strain on our marriage, and I can’t get him to understand that Jack and I are fine, like we really are. Sure we have moments of irritation, but ask anyone that knows us, we’ve always been like that. We have our silly little day to day disagreements, 99% of them are related to the kids, since I tend to ‘parent’ Jack when it comes to our children, rather than just allow him to do his own thing. That pisses Jack off because it’s like I think he’s not competent, and then we have a little tension. But it’s always short-lived. We get over stuff very easily because neither of us believes in holding a grudge, and we are both quick to apologize and make up.

But I digress. K worries too much about my relationship with Jack rather than just trusting that whatever happens between he and I can be handled. Jack and I are adults, and to tell you the truth this is minor compared to some of the things that have already happened in our relationship. Jack and I love each other, we don’t believe in divorce (with exceptions for extreme circumstances, such as drug addiction, abuse, etc). We would never ever allow our marriage to get to the point that it was in jeopardy. And even if we did, it certainly wouldn’t be because of K, it would be because we allowed our communication to break down. Jack and I are responsible for our own relationship, if we let it go to hell, it will be our own doing, not anyone else’s.

Trying to get that through K’s head is nearly impossible, LOL. I mean, I totally understand where he’s coming from. In his position I would likely have the same worries. He needs to try and let it go though, because he can’t take on things that he is not responsible for.

I told him that I was scared that he was having a lot of doubts that this situation is workable. I also said that if he couldn’t do it, I would understand. I don’t want him to sacrifice his happiness because he’s too stubborn to let this go.

He replied to that by saying he wasn’t about to take off just because things are hard and uncomfortable. Anything worth doing is usually a lot of work, and he wasn’t about to just give up.

That actually made me feel a lot better about things between he and I. I guess (besides Jack of course) I am used to not being worth the hard work. My past relationships failed because the guys I was with were not willing to go out of their way to make our relationship work. I just wasn’t worth it to them, and I guess I still sort of have a complex about it. I worry that I am not worth it to K, and I know that’s silly of me, but that’s how I feel sometimes.

Back to the story, LOL. So later in the afternoon Jack had to go into work for a while and V and K left. Jack and I made plans to cuddle and watch movies that evening, after we got the kids to bed.

V had left a couple of important things at my place, so I offered to meet her at this pub that’s sort of half-way between where each of us lives. I told Jack I would be gone for a little bit and that V and I were going to hang out for a while and then I’d be home and we could watch movies.

So I went and met V and we had a drink and talked. We were having a really good conversation about the situation with Jack and K and I. She really offers me a lot of perspective on things, which is very helpful because I do tend to lose objectivity when I’m right in the middle of everything.

There is a lot more to tell, but I think this entry is long enough and if I launch into the next part of the story we’ll be here a LONG time, LOL. So stay tuned and I’ll get the rest of the weekend posted as soon as I can.

Ugh, I am PMSing hardcore at the moment. I have a very strong desire to rip someone’s head off, but alas there is no one around who deserves it.

Anyway, my weekend was sort of good, sort of shitty. We had to cancel our trip to the in-laws because the roads were just too yucky and it was snowing. Since V and K were sort of planning to get together Friday evening, and we weren’t going anywhere, I asked Jack if it would be ok for me to go out with them.

Well a bunch of his friends from work were going out for drinks so he asked if he could go to that instead of me going out. I was disappointed, but I told him it was all fine by me, since he doesn’t get out as often as me and I was pretty sure I’d get to see my friends Saturday or Sunday.

He must have sensed that I was disappointed because then he sent me an e-mail suggesting that I invite V and K over for the evening, and to spend the night if they wanted. I thought that was really cool of Jack, so I called up V and asked her if she would mind picking up K and coming over to hang out. She was fine with that and said that she would call K and see if he was good with that idea. They decided to go out for supper so that I would have time to get the kids in bed, and then come over and bring some movies.

So I got the kids fed and cleaned up and put to bed. V and K arrived, and we settled in to watch Shakespeare In Love. Irritatingly, there was something wrong with the DVD and the frickin thing was skipping every few minutes and doing that strange thing where it freezes up. It seemed like a really good movie, but we couldn’t handle watching it all the way through, it was just too annoying.

Jack called at some point to say he was coming home. He arrived just as we were getting ready to put on Varsity Blues. So Jack and K and I cuddled up on the couch (me in the middle of course) and the four of us watched the movie. I’ve seen it probably 43 times, but I still love it. It was awesome getting to cuddle (I am such a cuddler).

Once the movie was over we all pretty much decided to go to bed. I suggested that V sleep in with Jack and I (we have a king sized bed and there is plenty of room) and K would sleep in the guest room. Saydie, however, has been suffering from a pretty bad chest cold all week, and she wakes up coughing a lot in the night and cries until I come and put her back to sleep. So I decided it would probably be easier if I slept on the floor in her room rather than crawling over Jack or V all night every time she woke up. So I grabbed my pillow and a sleeping bag and slept next to her bed. It probably would have been more comfortable for me to just sleep in with K, since the guest room is a little closer to the kids rooms anyway, but that wouldn’t have been appropriate.

Anyway, we all hung out for a bit the next day. I would say more about it but I’m tired and I just wanna get this posted. I’ll tell you about the rest of the weekend tomorrow once I feel better. PMS cramps suck.

I hope that all my readers had a good weekend. I am not looking forward to Monday, LOL. Goodnight!

A month or so ago I finally found a local place to pick up a set of Smart Balls (by Fun Factory). They are basically a very cool new version of Ben Wa Balls.

From A Review:

New from Germany, these funky Ben Wa balls are the best we’ve ever seen.

Top-quality silicone-coated balls with a smaller set of internal balls that rotate silently as they move, generating incredible vaginal sensations!

The vaginal muscles are stimulated, massaged and exercised - the Smart Balls provide a targeted workout of the pelvic floor muscles - you and your partner will love the difference.

I’d been dying to get my hands on a pair of these since I’d seen them featured on another blog. I’ve never tried any sort of vaginal ball before, so I was really excited to see what they would be like.

Anyway, for the past few weeks I’ve been trying to wear them for a few hours every day or so. I wear them to the gym, in the car, when I go out on errands and so forth. They make me want to run up and down the stairs constantly. You can feel the gentle vibrations as the balls roll around inside the outter balls. Really a plesant sensation.

I find that when I have them in I remember to do my kegel exercises. I’ve actually done enough kegel exercises in one day to make my lower abdominal muscles sore.

The real question is, have they made any difference in the strength of my vaginal muscles?

Well according to Jack and K they have

It takes a little practice to master peeing with them in. You have to learn to squeeze enough muscles to keep them in while relaxing enough muscles to make peeing possible, but you’ll get the hang of it.

I highly recommend these, and I just ordered a set for V this week You can order some for yourself here.

I hope everyone has a great weekend! Jack and the kids and I are (hopefully, if the roads are good) off to his parent’s place for the weekend. I’ll be taking my smart balls along for the three hour drive

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