Stiletto Diaries™

No Roads Less Traveled Than The One We’re On

Posted on November 2nd, 2009 in Collar And Cuff, Does All Her Own Stunts, Featured, Mating And Relating, Photos, Polyamory, Tie Me Up

I’ve hinted and mentioned here and there that Aiden and I have a certain amount of D/s in our relationship.  For those of you who are maybe not familiar with the finer points of kink relationship dynamics, D/s refers to Domination and submission.  One person in the relationship is the Dominant, and the other is the submissive.  What that means exactly is different for everyone.

Rather than go into a long and complicated explanation I will refer you here, to a page on D/s dynamics, and here, which is for those of you not familiar with BDSM in general.

For the past month or so, he and I have been negotiating something a little more serious than simply being play partners who also happen to be in a romantic relationship with each other.  I don’t remember exactly how it began, but I think he asked me if I’d ever considered being collared, which is essentially when a Dominant claims a submissive for their own, and that submissive more or less becomes property of the Dominant.  Commonly a collar is given to the submissive, as a mark of said ownership (hence the term collared or collaring).  The agreement surrounding the collaring is unique to each couple/group.  Sometimes the agreement is formalized in the form of a written contract.

Due to the nature of our arrangement the negotiation process has been a little longer and more involved for us.  The contract is currently in it’s third draft, and Jack has been involved in the process the entire time, as his feelings in this are perhaps the most important of all.

Today the collar itself arrived, after much anticipation on my part.  Aiden and I couldn’t come to an agreement on a collar, so I get my choice for ‘everyday wear’ which is this gorgeous circle of steel, care of House Of Collars.

Eventually he will also choose a second collar, more to his taste, that will be for me to wear to events and when he just feels like parading me around in something flashy.

Neither of us are entering into this lightly, and I feel like we’ve both reflected a great deal on what we are getting into.  The initial contract is going to be valid for a term of no longer than three months, during which we shall ‘work out the kinks’ (pardon the pun, LOL) and figure out where our balance is, and what works for us and what doesn’t.  After the three months has ended, we will re-negotiate and decide if we are ready for something a little more long-term, or if perhaps the ‘trial period’ needs to be extended.

The paper journal that I’ve mentioned writing in is part of our D/s dynamic.  I’m generally better at organizing my thoughts on paper, and I know sometimes Doms require their subs to keep a journal as a means of more open communication, which I suggested to Aiden.  He liked the idea, and though there aren’t a ton of entries yet, I feel like it is and will be a good method of sharing my thoughts with him, particularly when I can’t really talk to him because he’s at work or I’m away, etc.

While I’ve identified as kinky since I was 18, and I really enjoy playing and the dynamics of casual power exchange, I have no experience with being a “full-time submissive” or in our case, as close to full-time as is mutually agreeable to everyone.  I’m not accustomed to rules, or to having to ask permission for anything, or letting someone else make decisions for me on a regular basis.  It’s going to be a massive adjustment, and I have no doubt that I’m going to struggle, and make a lot of mistakes, and probably get angry and pissed off and frustrated as well.  I hold no delusions that we are going to live happily ever after in kinky bliss.  D/s relationships, like any other kind, require dedication, hard work, patience, and a good sense of humor.  At the same time, the rewards are worth it, and as bull-headed and terribly stubborn as I am, there is a desire in there somewhere to submit myself to the will of another, even though I’ll probably fight it, a lot.  Fortunately Aiden is prepared for that.

I’m sure the best and the worst of this new chapter will make it onto the blog.  I feel satisfied that I have, and continue to be, forthcoming about the struggles and the successes of our poly relationships, and I would like to share in a similar way when it comes to this new dynamic we are about to experience.  With Aiden’s permission I may share a copy of our contract here, and perhaps some of the entries from my journal along the way, if I feel like they would be of interest.

If BDSM and D/s relationships aren’t really your thing, worry not, there will still be lots of regular goodness around here too.