Stiletto Diaries™

God Knows When You Touch Yourself

Posted on August 18th, 2008 in Carnal Confessions, Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Ethics And Morality, Life List, Made In Ontario, Mating And Relating, Polyamory, Tie Me Up

I really, really want to write about my weekend at Forbidden, but it feels like my thoughts are scattered and disjointed.  The entire experience was so surreal…so intense, on so many levels.  It was pleasure and pain and wonder and distress, all wrapped up into a scant 41 hours.

Before I begin, let me say to Red, that you were right.  I was a stupid, stupid girl for not ending it immediately on Tuesday night when I had the opportunity.

A lot of things that happened at the camp will stay private, because there is a certain understanding that what happens in the kinky circles, stays in the kinky circles.

I will tell you, however, that Varick and I did not get along well during the time we were there.  Sadly, I think that we had already decided that we’d had enough of each other, but for some ridiculous reason decided to suffer through the weekend pretending to be together.  It made things uncomfortable for both of us, and aside from a brief 45 minutes of play, we didn’t connect at all.

Friday evening, after setting up and making the rounds to say hello, I retired to bed early while he sat around a fire elsewhere.  At around 2:00am he crawled into bed and I let him cuddle against me to warm up.  I asked him how he wanted his eggs in the morning, and then we fell asleep.

I tend to be a naturally early riser (and I’m also a serious night owl, which is confusing, LOL) so I woke up around 7:30 Saturday morning.  I slithered out of bed and pulled on a bit of clothing and slipped out into the morning sun to use the bathroom and make some coffee.  There were people walking around in the nude already and even though I was barely wearing anything I chuckled to myself about feeling ‘over dressed’.

With Old Crow Medicine Show playing on the little speakers I bought for my iPod, I put water on for coffee and started rounding up breakfast.  It was a gorgeous morning, and I LOVE cooking outside while camping.  It’s one of my favorite things about being out in the woods.

Varick surfaced, wearing only his jeans and runners.  He went to the bathroom and then returned, at which point I told him to go back to bed and that I would call him when breakfast was ready.  He remarked on the music I was playing (apparently he is not a fan) and I replied that if he was the one up first, cooking breakfast, then he could pick the music.

He went back inside the tent and I finished the eggs and sausage and poured him a glass of orange juice.  I wanted the day to go well, so I took him breakfast in bed (a pleasure he’d never received before).  He was at least polite and thanked me for cooking.  We ate and then he got dressed while I cleaned up.

After wandering around and saying hello to people we knew, we ended up at Deja’s camp site for a good part of the morning.  I could tell that something was off with Varick.  While I was making my best effort to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible, he acted as though he didn’t want to be within ten feet of me.  I don’t think that anyone picked up on it, aside from me, but it was hurtful and irritating.

There was a Booze Cruise happening early in the afternoon, hosted by a bunch of the seasonal campers.  Basically anyone who wanted to participate followed the host, who led us from site to site, and at each there was free drinks and food.  I hadn’t planned to drink, since I hoped to play and generally the two don’t mix well.  However, I didn’t see much action in my near future, so I went with Deja and we hit a few of the stops.  It had been a while since breakfast and I drank six shots at one stop (no one wanted theirs because it was WAY strong) so I was feeling lightheaded almost immediately.

I had a great time on the Booze Cruise, and made some new friends along the way.  At some point I had to cut myself off however, before I was totally wasted and therefore useless for the rest of the evening.

Varick and I headed back to our site around supper time to make something to eat.  We ate and then I went into the tent for something (I can’t recall exactly what it was) and he followed me.  Perhaps he was making an effort to dispel the weirdness between us, but we played for a while, unexpectedly really.  It was certainly the most intense scene we’d ever had, in terms of both his choice of implements and how hard he used them on me.

He caned me and paddled me and used the crop and that horrid wheel.  I still have an impressive collection of bruises and cane stripes across my ass and thighs, and I don’t bruise easily.  I wanted him to hit me harder, but he’s still too nervous about hurting the person he is beating on.

When he was finished he wrapped me up in a blanket and held me for a while.  It was certainly the most intimate moment of the weekend, but I could tell that he was still very distant.  Really, it didn’t matter much, I got what I wanted for the most part.

There was drumming at Deja’s camp as the sun went down.  I had thought of bringing my drum and then opted not to, and man was I kicking myself.  On the bright side, there were a couple of massage tables set up, and the submissives were taking turns being drummed on.

I got my turn, although I felt uncomfortable at the idea of getting completely naked in front of no less than 30 people.  Despite my reservations, I stepped out of my comfort zone, slipped out of my tiny skirt and tank top and layed down on my front on the table.

Three people used canes to drum on the length of my body.  My ass was still very sore from the earlier beating, a fact that a particular Dom friend of mine used to his advantage, making me yelp several times with particularly enthusiastic drumming.  It was an amazing experience, being nude in the firelight while people pounded out music on an assortment of instruments, including my skin.

When they were done with me I got dressed and sat down beside Varick again.  He seemed tired, so I suggested he head to bed, which he did, even though it was only 10:00pm.

Some time later I found myself naked on the table again, this time on my back.  Deja and that nice Dom were pouring hot wax onto my flesh while I moaned and wriggled.  There was wax from my neck to my toes and everywhere in between.  The heat wasn’t enough to burn, but it felt like liquid fire when they dripped generous amounts over my breasts and pussy.

278. Have hot wax poured on my naked body

Once I was sufficiently covered, the Dom picked up his long dagger and proceeded to drag the tip over my skin.  I shuddered and did my best to keep still while the blade slipped over my flesh, scrapping the wax away from my body.

When he slipped it between my legs and up between my pussy lips I was panting so hard I thought I might hyperventilate.  Then he rested the tip on my clit and wiggled it, and I wanted to turn myself inside out.  He nearly made me cum with his knife, which in itself was incredible.

291. Experience knife play

When it was done, Deja covered me with a blanket, and I layed there looking up at the stars through the leaves of the trees.  The fire crackled behind me while I processed what had just occurred.  All that was missing was someone to take me in their arms while my head swam with endorphins.  I missed Jack intensely in that moment.  I wished with all my being that I had gone to Forbidden with anyone but Varick.

Only when I was certain I could stand on my own did I sit up and slip off the table, still wrapped in Varick’s blanket (which he’d left with me before going to bed).  I sat down by the fire, naked and covered in bits of wax and baby oil (they put that on first to make it easier for the wax to be removed after) and listened to the conversation around me.  I felt…peaceful, but alone.  It was strange, but a good experience overall.

Later I went back to my tent and stood in the moonlight completely nude.  I rinsed myself off as well as I could, and then went inside to put on some warmer clothing.  Varick woke some and asked me how I was doing.  I replied that I was good while I slipped into my jeans and a hoodie.  I told him to go back to sleep while I zipped the door closed behind me.

Deja suggested we got for a quick swim before they closed the pool.  I hadn’t brought a suit, but everyone was going naked anyway, so we stripped off and took a quick dip.  We didn’t linger too long, since it was nearly 1:00am and the water was rapidly cooling off.

66. Skinny dip in the dark

I dried myself off and bid Deja a good night before going to bed myself.  There was no cuddling that night, Varick stayed on his side of the bed and I stayed on mine.

When I woke the next day the first order of business was coffee, and the second was writing Varick a letter about how I felt.  I wasn’t sure that I would give it to him, but I needed to do something to get it all out.  I tucked it away before he got out of bed, glad to have at least organized my thoughts somewhat.

We ate a light breakfast and then did a little visiting.  I felt hungover, although I had been sober long before I went to bed.  I think it was exhaustion from all the play the day before, and I was emotionally raw and overwhelmed.

He helped me pack everything up and we left an hour earlier than planned because I just wanted to get home and be with Jack.

During the first half of the ride it was uncomfortably quiet.  Finally I couldn’t stand it and just asked him point blank if he still wanted to be together.  He admitted that he didn’t, and that he couldn’t meet my relationship requirements.  I said that it was better this way, and that clearly we were not right for each other.  I wished out loud that he had said something before the weekend, to which he replied that he ‘just wanted us to have a nice weekend together’.

“Well, it WASN’T” I stated flatly.  I felt like telling him that I could think of at least half a dozen people offhand that I would have rather spent the time with, but it’s just as much my fault for not writing him off last week when I had the chance.

“I hope things aren’t awkward” he mentioned “since we will probably see a lot of each other”.

“We’re adults Varick, I am sure we can handle it” I replied.  It’s somewhat unfortunate that we have so many mutual friends in the community, but as I said, we can handle it.  Or at least I can, we shall see about him.

I dropped him off at his place and we hugged uncomfortably before saying goodbye.  I drove towards home, and I cried bitterly because even though I shouldn’t feel replaced, I do.  I also felt rejected, even though I had initiated the sequence of events on Tuesday.  I was angry that I had spent even ONE moment of the weekend feeling awkward over him.

Jack and V and the kids were out, and I didn’t want to be alone just then, so I went to Nia’s.  She hugged me and listened while I explained what had happened.  We talked about communication and how irritating it is when other people don’t seem to get it.  I had wanted to give him the opportunity to prove that he wanted what I wanted, and instead he made up his mind that it was over and then drug it out through our time together.

When I got home I packed some things inside, put away groceries, cleaned the cooler, and then had a long shower.  Jack and V and the kids arrived shortly after I finished, and we had supper together before putting kids to bed and then renting Shortbus.  If you haven’t seen it, and you are into sexually explicit drama/comedies, it’s worth seeing.  I really enjoyed it.

Eventually it was just Jack and I in bed together.  I cried some more, and then we fucked.  It was rough and hard and exactly what I needed.  When I eventually orgasmed, with his hand cupped firmly over my pussy, I wept again from the intensity of it.  I don’t think I’ve ever cum that hard.

Afterwards Jack and I cuddled and I thanked every diety I know for what I have with him.  I often question why I struggle through these extra relationships when I don’t have to.  Why do I subject myself to the upset and the potential for pain when I could stay home and be with someone who will love me forever?

I am addicted to the good parts I suppose.  The payoff can be beautiful, and because each time I make a connection with someone I learn something new about myself and about the world.

Finding the value in all things is vital to survival.  I am glad for what I learned from Varick.  I gained some personal clarity regarding the sort of relationships I am interested in, and I think it will be a great while before I get tangled up with someone so immature and inexperienced.  As Jack said to me last night, while he held me so tight and lovingly touched my black and blue rear end, I need to stop looking for a ‘project’ and start demanding partners who already have their shit together and know who they are and what they want.

Even though it really is better that we’ve ended things, I am still mourning the loss of a regular play partner.  It was lovely to be able to indulge that part of myself and experience some things I had been wanting to try.  I hope it won’t be too long before I have the opportunity again.