I’m Too Drunk To Taste This Chicken
Posted on October 4th, 2010 in Emotional Angst, Featured
There is something of a back-burner guilt that goes along with neglecting ones blog. Often it will occur to me to write something here, and lately I’ve been pushing it off in favor of vanilla projects, such as other blogs I write, or amassing backpacking gear and Warhammer miniatures. Truth be told, I haven’t had much to say in this particular forum as of late, simply due to the fact that there is much I feel uncomfortable sharing so publicly.
However, the older I get, the less and less I care about what other people think. Particularly people I know in “meat space” as I’ve never been inclined to put much stock in the opinions of internet strangers (being called a whore enough times on this blog will do that to you). So I find myself at something of an impasse, where I am compelled to spill out every thought and angsty emotion that I’ve experienced over the past month (and there have been quite a number of them) and yet, I still wish to remain respectful of the feelings of others, and of their privacy, so I hold back.
I do get tired of feeling as though I have to cater to other people. It makes me resentful, and the lure of sharing my experiences here becomes too much of a hassle, due to the difficulty I face in minding my mouth. Much easier to abandon the blogging altogether, and instead scratch out my thoughts in my paper journal, or better yet, talk to other people about them.
September saw me wile away many an hour talking to V, both over the phone and in person. Jack and I also shared several incredibly open, honest, and truly life-altering conversations that have shaped the direction that we are going as both a couple, and as a family. A family that includes a third adult. Jack and P’s relationship has shifted in direction, but I feel uninclined to comment beyond that, as I don’t feel it fair to share a story that isn’t mine to tell (see what I mean?).
I’m sure some of you feel that I’m getting too caught up in all of this courtesy, but there were times when things I’ve written here have extracted a high price on my daily life, and sometimes it just isn’t worth the backlash.
Still…is there a point to carrying on when so much is lost along the way?
Who knows really. At the end of the day I just remind myself that the whole point of this blog was and is to provide myself with a place to spread out my feelings and thoughts, and take a look at them more objectively.
I think I forgot that somewhere along the way.
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October 4th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
i wanted to let you know ..since ive been reading you now for a few years ive learned much along the way. Me and my mate are trying the lifestyle of having a third with us. 3 months now bumps and mistakes. its working and I love it. scary at first but the living arrangement is working out a bit better now
any advice on time wise would be appreciated
i love coming here reading , learning and just seeing your pics. eff the haters is all i gotta say.
much love girl!..tonya
Reply To The Above Comment
October 6th, 2010 at 5:38 pm
I totally understand the notion of not wishing to expose yourself to backlash from revealing the truth of your inner thoughts. However, not revealing the real you isn’t sparing them or you from a problem. It just turns a quick dagger into a slow poison.
I second Tonya’s sentiments above – I’ve been keeping up with your blog for a while. Even though I’m also an internet stranger, I do wish you and your family well. And I hope that whatever you, Jack and Aiden do with yourselves produces happiness along the way. All of you seem like decent people, just trying to live life fully.
Reply To The Above Comment
October 8th, 2010 at 11:57 am
I have just found your website through livejournal. I think what you have been willing to share about your life is amazing and you have probably helped so many people without even knowing it. It seems right now that you are unsure about what you will continue to share. I just wanted to let you know that what you have shared is not for nothing. In my experience, people who have positive things to say rarely take time to leave comments…. so, here is mine.
Reply To The Above Comment
October 12th, 2010 at 1:13 am
yeah, not sure if anything anyone can say can change how you feel, but i know that i read because you offer something i can learn from. you have a great voice.
i know exactly how you feel though. it’s tough to be as genuine as we would like without worrying about other people. i found i had to change my style a bit because people who actually know me were feeling that for some reason they could now give their opinions on my choices – so now i put in enough fantasy with the reality that they will never know the truth and i don’t have to feel bad about anything they say – cuz they don’t know what they’re talking about!
maybe if you’re feeling things are becoming too revealing you could continue writing more about ‘theory’ and your opinions and thoughts on ‘subjects’ without necessarily telling all about your own situation.
i know i would hate to lose this reading!
but, whatever you do, stay true to you!
Reply To The Above Comment
October 14th, 2010 at 9:37 pm
I just wanted to let you know that I, too, really enjoy your blog and read it regularly. I have never posted a comment before, so I thought I’d say hi and let you know I’m here.
I hope you will keep writing whatever you feel comfortable with.
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