I Taste Like The Tears Of Sad Children
Posted on August 13th, 2010 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Migration Paths, Three's Company
As badly as I wanted to move back to Alberta, and as happy as I am to be here, for some reason I feel…not quite myself since we got here.
I haven’t been sleeping well, I’m edgier, more easily agitated, noticeably more negative in my attitude. I don’t feel like I have been handling things, stress in particular, as well as I usually do. I wish I could figure out why, or where this is coming from.
Aiden has noticed the difference in me, and sadly it’s led to a good amount of friction between he and I. He keeps asking me what he can do to make me happy, to get the old Shasta back, and I don’t have any good answers for him. It’s sort of funny that I spent so much time worrying about how he would adapt to living in Alberta, and yet, he seems to be getting along here better than I am.
Maybe I’m just tired. Tired of moving. Tired of never living long in one place. Ontario was the longest we’ve lived in one place in years, and I guess it finally felt like we were settling in somewhere, putting down roots. Part of me may be mourning that, the loss of what felt like our first real home.
I miss Ontario. I miss the humidity. I miss Aiden’s family (his mum in particular) and the friends I had made there. I miss LARPing, and camping in the gorgeous provincial parks. I miss the heat and the freedom from my pain-in-the-ass family. I miss the greyhound kennel.
For some reason I feel like it’s wrong for me to be sad about leaving there. At least, that seems to be the attitude of everyone here. Nobody seems to understand why I am sad to have moved. I love Alberta, but I loved Ontario too. I wish even one person understood.
Usually I take on a new house with all the enthusiasm of a kid at Christmas. I’ve painted, stained, and made beautiful in some personal way, ever place we have lived, except for this one. I can’t bring myself to care enough to paint, something that has already surprised a number of family members and friends.
“I’m surprised you haven’t painted anything yet!” my sister-in-law pointed out, during a recent visit to check out our new digs.
“To be honest, I haven’t the motivation to be bothered” was all I could really say.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE this house. It’s beautiful. The kitchen is gorgeous, and more space than I’ve had in ages. There is more than enough space for everyone. It’s a perfect fit. Mind you I probably would have chosen different bedrooms for everyone, now that we’ve lived in it for a month, but too late for that, so I guess we will make do with…less than ideal living arrangements upstairs.
I know I will readjust to living here, and that eventually the exhaustion of moving and the sadness of leaving a place that I really loved will dissipate. I just hope we don’t have to endure any more serious life changes for some time.
I miss “the old Shasta” too.
on 
on 
August 13th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
Don’t force any good feeling on yourself. Your own mind will decide when it’s had enough grieving for the life you left behind. Even though you brought the family with you for the move, the lifestyle and routines are gone. They mattered in Ontario, and they still matter far away. You can’t replace those people or the way you lived there. So – why not recreate a little bit of it where you are? Is there an animal shelter nearby? – Or a LARP group you can indulge in?
On a lighter note: You strike me as a very ‘dive-in-to-whatever-I-can-have-fun-doing’ kind of person. That side of your personality won’t tolerate being subdued forever. If you repress it, beware of psychosomatic symptoms like raging flatulence or male patterned baldness setting in. Just kidding (or am I?)
I wish you the best in your OtherHome Sickness. It’ll pass, because EVERYTHING eventually passes.
Reply To The Above Comment
August 15th, 2010 at 12:02 am
I felt very much the same when I moved back to Calgary after a year in England.
I still miss the green, and the theatre culture.
Also, just before I moved back, my boyfriend (who was still in Calgary) dumped me for my best friend (also in Calgary), and everyone else I was friends with I only knew through her. Coming back to a strange country and having to make all new friends and re-enter highschool was more than slightly tramatic at 17 years old.
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August 15th, 2010 at 9:44 am
sends you hugs. it takes time lovely to adjust to new surroundings. its like a part of you was left behind and is calling out for you. change is hard and its hard for everyone to be on that level of understanding.
just take your time and one day you will feel the pull of the old you.
hugs to you..
Reply To The Above Comment
August 15th, 2010 at 10:57 am
Just from reading this, it’s clear that you left a lot of normal routine behind that you have not been able to regain in the new location. Obviously you can’t just do that immediately, but maybe you should look for a LARPing group or a shelter to volunteer at. You need something from the old Shasta life to make your new Shasta life feel good and get you back into the swing of things.
And it’s not too late to move people’s bedrooms around if everyone is willing to help. Maybe a trip to the local paint store or hardware store would help you find a color that helps you want to paint. Grab a few paint chips just to hang on the walls. Start small, but do something to bring yourself back to life! It will help you a lot more than you think. The worst thing you can do when you’re feeling off and not yourself is to stay stagnant.
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