Stiletto Diaries™

If There’s Anything More Important Than My Ego Around, I Want It Caught And Shot, Now!

Posted on November 22nd, 2009 in Collar And Cuff, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

Some days it’s really, really hard to be a good slave.

Ok, in my case, it’s just about every day, but cut me some slack, I’m a beginner.

I forget to follow the rules, or sometimes I just don’t feel like it and disregard them on purpose.  I don’t really want to be disobedient, I just have a difficult time letting go of making my own decisions.  I’m stubborn, and sometimes I’d rather just do what I want and take whatever punishment that entails.

There’s really nothing that Aiden can do to FORCE me to obey him.  No punishment he might inflict on me can make me do what he says if I decide that I really don’t want to.  That’s not what this is supposed to be about.  I made an agreement to obey him when we entered into this contract and he fastened this collar around my neck, and I’m not holding up my end of the bargain.

He shouldn’t have to fight me every step of the way when this is something I wanted, something I asked for, and agreed to.

I do want it, by the way.  I just didn’t really expect it to be so difficult.  I know perhaps I haven’t been totally clear about the nature of this relationship, but Aiden and I are, for all intended purposes, in a 24/7 power exchange.  The collar never comes off.  There are times when the expectations and the rules change a little (such as when I am with Jack) but for the most part, I am to be obedient at all times, even when Aiden isn’t present.

For us that means that I do the tasks that he assigns me, WHEN he assigns them and not “when I feel like it”, which is something I have a hard time with.  It also means that I have to notify him before I leave the house, let him know where I am going, and in some situations I must ask permission before I can go.  I must ask permission to masturbate, and to stay up past my new bedtime, which is 10:30pm.  There are more, and there are also rules regarding everything from what time I must eat breakfast to how many times a week I must write in my journal.

It likely sounds horrible to some of you, and I wish I could adequately put into words why exactly I want it that way, but I do.  As bratty and disobedient I am, I really, really, really want things this way.

Having a Dominant is sort of like having a really hardcore personal trainer.  All of us have the capacity to read up on nutrition and exercise and put those things into practice.  Many of us, however, lack the long-term motivation to stick to it if we don’t have any external guidance or encouragement.  So we give someone money to kick our asses when we don’t think we have the drive to keep at it ourselves.  That’s kind of how it works in D/s relationships, in the most basic sense of it all, and the best ‘vanilla’ way I can explain it.

When Jack and I first began our polyamorous relationship, we drafted a list of rules.  Some of you, who have been reading here since the beginning, probably remember how very bad I was at following those rules.  Even though I had agreed to them and understood their necessity, I just couldn’t seem to force myself to follow them.  A few of my commenters speculated on my rebellious nature, drawing conclusions about my ability to comply with even the simplest of restrictions.

Eventually I “outgrew” the rebellious phase and realized that breaking the rules was only hurting myself, and that my reasons for breaking them, no matter how I justified them in the moment, were stupid.  Then I stopped breaking them, and things got much easier and less strained around here.

Now that I’ve drawn that parallel, I hope it will remind me that whatever my reasons for not obeying the rules which Aiden and I have agreed upon, they are probably stupid.  When I feel ridiculous for following simple instructions, I must remember that it really isn’t up to me, and he’s not asking me to do anything even mildly difficult.  When he asks me to do something, it is not for me to ask why*, but to simply obey to the best of my ability.

Where this need to push the envelope came from, I’m not certain.  Perhaps it’s simply part of my nature to test the boundaries to be certain that they really exist.

*While I always reserve the right to ask “why” when I don’t agree with, or understand an order, there are many, many times when I ask “why” and it’s not necessary.