Stiletto Diaries™

Oh We Didn’t Know That It Always Gets Harder

Posted on November 18th, 2009 in Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

Sometimes the most difficult parts of poly are juggling time between partners, negotiating schedules, and discussing emotions ad nauseum.

Sometimes the most difficult parts are agreeing on which movie to rent on a Friday night, or whose turn it is to wash the dishes, or which bed to sleep in.

Lately, the most difficult part for me, has been the fact that Jack isn’t seeing anyone at the moment, and the intense guilt I sometimes feel that I’m so enjoying my relationship with Aiden.

I remind myself that I haven’t done anything to prevent Jack from meeting anyone.  In fact not so long ago he spent the night in another city with a couple, and I spent the night alone, and I didn’t even freak out, and I only drank four glasses of wine (and not four bottles, like I feared I might).  I expected that they would have sex, and it wasn’t until he was on his way home the following afternoon that he mentioned that nothing had happened.

Even when I thought it had, I was ok.  In fact I was disappointed that he hadn’t had a wild adventure in the bed of another woman.  It’s easier to feel disappointed about such things when the news reaches you while you are tucked under the covers with a warm body pressed up against you, but that’s beside the point.  Aiden didn’t even get to my house until after noon on Sunday, when Jack had already been gone for 16 hours!  16 whole hours of me, alone with my brain, and my kids, and my dogs.  Not one emo text message was sent to Jack, not one “woe is me” Twitter was posted, and there were no angst-riddled blog or journal entries composed.  True, I didn’t manage to sleep much that night, but it wasn’t the fact that Jack was out on a date, it was the fact that Jack was out period, and I don’t sleep well when I’m by myself.  It doesn’t matter if he’s away on business or pleasure, it’s always the same.

For reasons I don’t feel inclined to elaborate on, that potential ‘hook-up’ doesn’t seem to be resulting in anything, which makes me surprisingly sad.  You have no idea how pleased I would be if Aiden and I had to start spending more weekends watching kids so that Jack could get out for some fun.

Jack is quite generous when it comes to the time I spend with Aiden.  There are times when I can tell that he struggles with envy.  More often than not he handles it gracefully, much better than I normally do.

I wish there was more I could do.  Not to assuage my guilt, but because I know that Jack would really enjoy the odd date, and I like to see the people I love as happy as possible.

Today did bring some good news, in the form of a trip back to Cow Town for both business and pleasure.  He’s going to be gone from Saturday until the following Sunday or Monday, and most of that time is his to do with as he pleases.  V is putting him up at her place, and is doing her best to clear her schedule so that they can get into some mischief together.  I understand that supper plans with P are in the works.  It’s going to be good for him to get away, and it makes me very, VERY happy that he is getting this hard-earned break.  I don’t even care that it threw a bit of a wrench in my plans for hitting The Everything To Do With Sex Show in the city this weekend.  Phone calls were made, deals struck, and so Aiden and I are still able to go, just not with Nia and Muse, like we had originally planned.

While Jack is away, Aiden will hopefully be keeping me company, at least most of the time (if not the whole week, we shall see).  I will admit that it’s much easier to see Jack off when I know that I won’t have to endure too many nights alone.

I hope he has a great time in Calgary (although I’m a tad envious, as he’s going to rock out with MY best girl, and I don’t get to see her until April *SOBS*).