Stiletto Diaries™

Complimentary Watermelon With Purchase

Posted on July 6th, 2008 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Made In Alberta, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

Jack and I had it out again over the phone this morning. It has been building for several days really, and it was good to finally have it over with.

I know he has been worried about my emotional state. To be honest, I’ve been concerned as well. Generally I hold it together far better than I have been, and I’ve struggled to figure out where these excessive emotions have come from. Why am I acting this way?

Yesterday I sat out at the end of the dock for a long time. I lost myself in thought, and just allowed those subconscious meanderings to bubble to the surface. I didn’t get the clarity I was hoping for, but an uneasy thought did present itself for mulling over. Perhaps it’s a culmination of stresses recently that has driven me past superficial worrying and back towards the pit of depression. The kind of depression where it really isn’t ABOUT anything, it just exists, a state of despair that you can’t often shake.

June was a great month in many ways, but it’s also been difficult. As much as I enjoy my family, I’d built up a fair pile of anxiety over spending so much time with them. The week leading up to my departure was straining. I had stomach aches, I had weird bowel issues (I was going to get graphic there, but I’ll spare you the details of my liquid shit) and I wasn’t sleeping well. In fact I was dreading the entire experience.

That sense of foreboding, combined with uncertainty regarding V moving out here (something has come up and she may not end up coming out this month, or ever) could easily trigger a backslide into a place I’ve been working to avoid for years.

Depression isn’t something I am ashamed of. It’s a very real mental illness which I’ve dealt with for over half my life. Depression is not something that is cured, it is merely managed, day to day, week by week, for the rest of your life. I am always aware of it’s potential to wreak havoc, and I respect the power it can hold over my life. Depression is not a choice.

That familiar sense of discouragement has been creeping around in the back of my mind for days. I’ve been doing this dance long enough that I know when it’s coming on. If I am too wrapped up in my emotions, or if I am not listening to myself, generally it’s more difficult to stop it before it starts. In this case I’ve had plenty of time for reflection. I’ve been paying attention to my internal dialog, and to my emotions.

During and after our argument, I cried a good deal. I normally dislike crying very much, but it felt like I was finally releasing all of that pent up negativity, so I just let go. It was cleansing really, and by the time we said goodbye, I felt more like myself than I have in weeks.

The rest of today has been wonderful. I was able to get really close to a baby skunk outside, and even snapped a couple of photos before my camera battery gave out. I left my USB cable back in Ontario, so I am hoping my mom has one around here somewhere so that I can upload and post a few of the photos I’ve taken on this trip. If not, it’ll just have to wait until I get a hold of one.

On a separate (although somewhat related note) I found out from Varick today that he hooked up with a girl (or two, we didn’t get into specifics) over the weekend. There was a twinge of what I guess you could call unease, but I’d expected as much, and instead of worrying that I’m about to get ‘dumped’ I was just happy that he had a good weekend. I know he has struggled with his social anxiety, so it pleases me that his confidence seems to be improving. He was quick to assure me that he’s looking forward to seeing me when I get back, which is always nice to hear.

Jack was proud of me when I shared that with him. He knows I have a hard time with feeling possessive and jealous, so his praise made me feel that much happier with myself and with the situation.

In spite of the affection I feel for Varick, I would prefer that we keep our relationship more or less fairly casual. I don’t want to have to seek his permission if I want to date other people, nor will I hold him to that expectation in return. I get the impression that he’s content with the current arrangement, and attempting to inflict a strangle-hold on him because I am afraid to lose him will only drive him away.

Speaking of seeing other people, Jack has a potential coffee date coming up, with that woman who was seeing that married guy. I’ve told him to go ahead, and see what happens. It’s not easy for me to get past my judgment of her (wrong, I know) so this will be an exercise in letting go for me. I am determined to avoid acting insane.

I’m certain you’ll hear all about how that goes