Sex Is Like A Velociraptor
Posted on April 15th, 2010 in Mating And Relating, Polyamory, Three's Company
Last night, before falling asleep, I posted the following Tweet:
I wasn’t whining or making a play at being passive aggressive, I was simply expressing mild frustration at a situation that I’m certain comes up in EVERY relationship. I wasn’t angry with Aiden, since we were both very tired, and I fell asleep almost immediately afterwards.
I received the following reply to said Tweet, from my friend ChickPea:
It raised an interesting point, that I don’t believe I have touched on here previously – how it works when one of them isn’t “giving me what I want”.
In this particular instance, I was actually sleeping with Aiden, and Jack was out for dinner with an old friend of his. However, suppose that Jack had been home, would it have been ok for me to go upstairs and have my way with him before returning to bed with Aiden?
The short answer is: No
Allow me to explain further.
The guys share time with me at nights. I’ve mentioned before that we currently use a 3-day rotation, more or less (sometimes nights are traded, etc.) and it works out well for everyone. Time before bed can be divided up depending on the circumstances. Last night Jack was out, so Aiden and I spent all evening together. Sometimes Jack and I cuddle on the couch before Aiden and I go to bed together, or out for a date, or whatever. Tonight, for instance, Jack and I are going to the greyhound rescue to volunteer, and Aiden will be asleep before I even get home. That, however, is a rarity. Usually I go to bed at whatever time the person I am sleeping with goes to bed, because often we will talk quietly before falling asleep, and some of our closest quality time occurs as we are snuggled up in bed together.
As sometimes happens in all relationships, sometimes when I go to bed with Jack or Aiden, one or both of us is angry at the other. Or we argue about something as we are laying in bed. When that happens, it’s VERY, VERY tempting to say “Fuck You!” and leave the room to sleep with my other partner.
That, however, is something I never allow myself to do.
On rare occasions I have left the room, but in those situations, I opt to sleep on the couch, or in the guest bed.
As much as possible, I do my best to avoid doing anything that uses poly to my unfair advantage. I don’t think it would be fair to either of the guys if I stormed off and crawled into bed with my other partner. For one, if the person I ran out on wanted to come and talk to me, they would be unable to do so. For another, I feel that it sends the message “I don’t really need you, I can always get my needs met somewhere else” which will only breed resentment. Often I ask myself “If the roles were reversed, how would I wish to be treated?” and that guides many of the choices I make. I would be very upset if Jack and I had a spat, and he decided to go sleep with P instead, and so I do my best to avoid doing things that I would find hurtful.
The same goes for sex. Just because I can have sex with Jack, when Aiden isn’t in the mood (or vice versa) that doesn’t mean it’s particularly thoughtful of me to do so. If we hadn’t been in bed yet, well then it may have been a different story. Poly is often a complex balancing act, and each situation seems to need individual evaluation before a decision can be made.
Suppose it was later in the evening and the three of us were all in the house, although perhaps not doing the same activity. In this hypothetical situation, it’s Aiden’s night to sleep with me. I ask him if he’s interested in going to bed early, so that we can have sex before we go to sleep. He replies that he is probably far too tired for sex, although he is gentle about it and reassures me that he loves me. I have two options now. I can accept that, and go to bed early with him so that he is well-rested and perhaps up for some lovin the following evening, or I can ask him if he minds me having sex with Jack instead (assuming that Jack is up for it).
Why would I have to ask him? Well I don’t technically *have to* but seeing as he and I will be sleeping together, I would check first, in case he wanted to go to bed immediately, or in case he just wants to cuddle for a while before sleep. Likewise, when I am sleeping with Jack, I generally try to be thoughtful of him in this capacity as well.
There are also nights when I have the whole evening specifically booked off for one of them, and in that situation, I probably wouldn’t ask if they minded me having sex with the other, because it would just seem terribly rude. If I have a special “date night” with Jack, I wouldn’t feel right about asking him to give up time with me just so I could have sex with Aiden, even if Jack wasn’t in the mood.
See what I mean about complex? I get a headache just attempting to explain it.
There are many aspects of our daily lives that do not adhere to any hard and fast rules. We generally muddle through, making decisions based on what seems like the right thing to do in any given situation. Much of it is trial and error. There are plenty of mistakes along the way, but we are all still learning.
on 
on 
April 15th, 2010 at 5:16 pm
i know one thing i wanted to ask without offending. what if aiden wants to date as well. is it in both of your contracts?
and my biggest worry with poly, correct me if i am wrong. for married couples is there ever a risk that one of the married couples might fall in love and leave even if the other partner has a partner?
like you and adien but jack and p ,what if someone decided they wanted to break off and not do the whole rotation thing.and just move out?
does it make sense?
sends hugs to you all
Reply To The Above Comment
Shasta
reply on April 16th, 2010 8:32 am:
Tonya,
We ALWAYS welcome questions around here
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Aiden and I have discussed the possibility of him dating other people. We have agreed that adding additional partners to our current relationship is not in our best interests until he and I are more stable with each other. Should the opportunity arise, we will talk about it further at that point.
I suppose in any relationship there is always the chance that one partner may decide to leave the relationship. I don’t actually ever worry that Jack and I will separate. Honestly, it doesn’t concern me in the least because divorce has always been something that we feel is an impossibility for us. When we decided to get married we took the commitment very seriously, more serious than most people I am afraid, and we will be together until one of us dies, period.
That may sound unrealistic to some, but that’s just the attitude we have. Mind over matter and all that. If we never even entertain the idea that one of us might get fed up and leave, because that’s just not an option, I believe it fosters a deeper commitment to making our marriage work.
If Aiden decided he wanted to leave, I would be devastated I am sure. At this point, I don’t really consider that a possibility either. Worrying that someone might leave you only breeds insecurity and causes you to act crazy and possessive. We do our best not to indulge those sorts of ideas around here. Spending a lot of time thinking about all the bad things that could happen, only works to manifest those things in your life. As Aiden would say, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you go looking for things to worry about, you will certainly find them, but what good will it do you?
I’m generally one of those horridly optimistic people who goes through life assuming that everything will always be awesome and work out exactly as it should. Sometimes I have a rough day or a rough week, but I do my best to get over those feelings as quickly as possible, and return to having a positive outlook on life.
Hopefully that answered your question (probably using WAY MORE WORDS than needed, LOL) but if not, ask some more! I like this part of blogging a lot
XOXO
Shasta
Reply To The Above Comment
April 18th, 2010 at 9:09 am
lol thank you i always appreciate it
i was over on padmae’s site and was broken hearted over her and her other master and that’s what brought that up.
its good that you all have secureness and love in your relationship. its a rarity but yet truly wonderful
one another note how does P feel about you all as a good couple if she wants to move in also. to me it would be a win win (free babysitting ) LOL
Reply To The Above Comment
April 18th, 2010 at 2:11 pm
The moving in scenario has actually come up quite a few times in my discussions with both Shasta and Jack. We were mostly joking when we said that we wanted to be like the Duggars and have a 12 person van to shuttle us all around. Right now, since I’m still so young, moving in is not really practical for me. I still have a year of school left, plus it’s a little quick in mine and Jack’s relationship for that.
My two week trip out to visit was a great intro to that scenario. I think it would work well, since I love Jack and Shasta dearly. Aiden has grown on me as well, kinda like a fungus, LOL.
The short answer is who knows? We all seem open to this possibility, and it could work. At this point, to me anyways, it seems like something that will happen eventually. But it won’t happen for quite a while. We’ll have to see when they make the big move. I’ll probably end up spending oodles of time there anyway.
Reply To The Above Comment
April 18th, 2010 at 3:10 pm
Thank you for answering P
Everyone is so nice for answering all my questions.from a girl who is clueless at times and curious
hugs!
Reply To The Above Comment
April 18th, 2010 at 3:13 pm
No problemo!
Our situation is quite complex at the best of times. Plus we love questions. I was tickled pink that you wanted to know how I was feeling about it. Feel free to ask us anything.
Reply To The Above Comment