It’s Tragic That There Is No Cure For Stupid
- Posted by Shasta on May 20th, 2008 filed in Advice, Ethics And Morality, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
Ethics are a funny thing. Everyone has their own set, much like fingerprints. Generally, Jack and I agree with each other when it comes to morals and ethics, which is nice, and certainly makes life easier.
Recently, a question arose that has us at odds with each other, and in an effort to perhaps gain perspectives that hadn’t occurred to me before, I’m putting it out there to my readers.
So here’s a basic overview of the situtation we can’t agree about:
Jack befriends girl.
Girl is dating a married man.
Married man’s wife is not aware that her husband is dating girl. Girl obviously knows that wife doesn’t know and doesn’t seem to have any problem with the fact that her boyfriend is having an affair on his wife, with her.
Married man keeps telling girl that he will leave his wife. Eventually it becomes clear that he has no intentions of doing so and girl dumps him.
Girl casually expresses interest in Jack.
Shasta feels HIGHLY uncomfortable with Jack pursuing said girl, because she was party to a situation that Shasta feels was highly unethical. Shasta thinks that being part of an affair speaks volumes about a person, their ethics, and their attitude towards honesty and relationships. Shasta trusts Jack but certainly does not trust girl and feels she does not want to be friends, let alone part of a relationship with said girl.
Jack disagrees and feels that since girl wasn’t married herself, she really wasn’t doing anything wrong. Jack also insists that since HE is trustworthy, Shasta has nothing to worry about were he to get involved with girl.
Sorry if that was confusing, LOL. It boils down to the fact that I personally feel you are just as responsible for an affair as the married person, if you knowingly participate in deception of that persons spouse. I would never, ever date someone who I knew was married unless they could provide me with proof that their partner was ok with it. Even if it’s just a brief conversation on the phone, or something of that nature.
Even though she perhaps didn’t directly participate in the lying, it seems to me that someone willing to get involved with someone under those conditions isn’t the most honest or trustworthy of people. Yes, Jack and I are polyamorous, so is there any reason for him (or her) to lie? Maybe, maybe not. She could lie about all sorts of things, like her sexual history or her STI status. I trust Jack completely, but he’s also only human, which means she could manipulate him or otherwise create a whole mess of trouble.
I also doubt I could handle getting to know her, or even meeting her. I’ll admit, I’m judgemental, and suspicious, particularly when it comes to things like this. I don’t want to be her friend, I don’t want to be in the same room as her, I don’t care how ‘nice’ she seems.
Jack feels that this is a little unreasonable on my part. After all, I’ve broken the rules, and I’ve cheated (not when we were married mind you, since I took my initial vows of monogamy very, very seriously) so shouldn’t I try to be at least a little understanding?
Perhaps I should be, even though I think it would be seriously difficult to understand where she is coming from, especially since I don’t get the impression that she felt badly about what she was doing, or that he was cheating on his wife. The only reason she dumped him is because she wanted him for herself, and he wouldn’t leave his wife. That doesn’t inspire a lot of understanding in me, it just makes me think she’s a home-wrecking wench.
What do you guys think? Should I cut the girl some slack and give Jack my blessing to at least have coffee with her? Do you think I am right to be suspicious of her and her ability to be part of a responsible, ethical, non-monogamous relationship? I’m curious to hear any thoughts my readers feel like sharing 
Note: Often I don’t make the time to respond to comments, however, since I want to create discussion and dialog, I will be responding to every comment on this post and expanding on thoughts or answering questions.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
This is a tough one. It does take two to tango but I stop short of calling her a homewrecker. That title belongs to the husband. I have been on both sides of the issue myself. I never blamed the woman, my husband is the one that cheated, who he cheated with was irrelevant. I can understand you not being interested in getting to know her better, but I would save judgement until you meet her. That’s just my two cents.
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May 20th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
There are so many different outlooks on poly. Tough call but my personal feelings on something like this…
They both had the affair. More often than not women dont know thier partner is married but in this case she did. He is the one that was doing the cheating but she was letting him. She was deceptive, dishonest and selfish. She didnt put forth effort or show compassion when it came this guys wife and thats just mean and makes her untrustworthy. She could very well have told him she would not be with him and encouraged him to either work it out with his wife or leave her BEFORE she tried to work him to her advantage. Ultimately he is the one that had the affair but she was party to the deception and encouraged him to do it when she knew he was married.
You already feel uncomfortable and defensive and will keep that with you regardless of how open minded you try to be about her and with her. You will always be on guard when it comes to her. Passing judgement without really knowing her is probably not the best solution but she has already left her first impression and that would be difficult to get past.
Totally trusting jack is not about this woman. Your trust for him does not automatically extend to her. We gain trust individually and she already has your antennna out. However, you have to trust Jack to handle the situation. He knows your uncomfortable and knows to watch out for signs from her of her trying to insinuate herself into your position. Trust him that he wont let that happen. Its great that you can freely talk to him about how you fee.
This other woman dumped the man that wouldnt leave his wife for her… Jack should be careful with his heart here as its obvious she wants what she wants and will go to great lengths to get it and will walk away if her efforts dont pay off for her. He may be in for some heartbreak.
sorry jack, i feel the same way shasta does. The affair wasnt the other womans fault but ethics or morals should have at the very least prompted her to examin her actions.
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May 20th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Personally I think you’re correct in having suspicions about her. Knowingly participating in an affair of which the spouse is not aware is wrong, but even more worrying in my mind is the fact that she doesn’t seem concerned or regretful about her choice to do so. Yes it is the husband’s fault also, but he is not the one that could possibly be dating Jack. I think he should tread carefully with her, because although you trust him completely, perhaps she is not someone that you should invest your trust in. You should make your own decision about her, of course, and I know that Jack will make his own decision (taking your feelings into account). But this girl raises a lot of red flags, in my opinion, and I don’t think that Jack should date her. Like you mentioned, although Jack will not lie or deceive you, she could lie or deceive him (and is more than likely to do so due to her previous deception). And just FYI, I’m completely not saying that because I don’t want him dating someone else (I’m actually totally happy with, and actually encouraging of, him to date other people).
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May 20th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Both the woman and the husband are culpable for the affair.
But does it matter?
You’re judging a person on a single facet, learned second-hand.
My opinion would be, for Jack’s sake, to meet her for coffee. If, after meeting her and actually getting to know her a little, you still can’t get past what she did, then Jack should look elsewhere.
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May 20th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I agree with D’jaelvle. First off, to judge someone based on one act, that you’ve never even talked to her about - keerist! you’ve never even met the girl! - you’d better be pristine.
I know I’ve read on this blog where you’ve broken more than one promise repeatedly. I do not say this to you to make you feel bad. I’m saying, girl, you’ve been there. And you were forgiven. You worked through it, and hopefully, it made you a better person.
You don’t know this girl’s story. She may be a person who is good but made a bad choice. Maybe she feels differently now, especially after having met Jack and hearing about you and your poly relationships.
Is it a risk? Yeah, but everything is a risk - even in monogamous life. I think it’s better to live life expecting the best in people until they prove you wrong. And then trust Jack to be responsible enough to end it if your worst fears come true.
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
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May 20th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
DivaCowgil - Yes I probably went a little far in calling her a homewrecker. It’s difficult to reserve judgement however, especially on something that I have…strong feelings about, LOL. I should make a better effort of it though I’ll admit. Thank you for commenting
Always appreciate any cents you care to share.
Uneeklyme - Thank you also for commenting
It certainly can be true about first impressions and changing my mind about her based on what I’ve heard from Jack. I suppose I have a really, really difficult time sympathising for her, or understanding where she is coming from. I know that Jack is a smart man and that I can trust him to handle the situation, it’s just difficult to feel good about it, or for him, when the whole idea makes me nothing but nervous. Thanks again for sharing your opinion!
P - I’m so glad to see that you still read
I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Jack has a good head on his shoulders and I know he must see SOME worthwhile qualities in her. Generally he’s a good judge of character, LOL. At least this post and the comments are generating some good discussion between him and I, so thank you for your contribution! Hope you’re well and happy sweetie 
D’jaevle - Perhaps it shouldn’t matter, I’m just having a really difficult time getting there because I’m so damned sensitive when it comes to cheating, LOL. Blame it on my parents divorcing when my dad fucked my mum’s best friend
If Jack really feels that he wants to persue something with her, then I will relent and at least meet the girl, if she is willing to do so as well.
Mon-Mon - Yes, I’ll admit I’m being judgemental, and no I am certainly not pristine. As I’ve said above I just have very intense emotional reactions to situations such as this. It’s difficult for me to understand what could possess someone to intentionally be party to an affair.
She’s apprently open to the idea of poly, but she’s young (only 20) which in itself makes me wary. Her inexperience and complete lack of knowledge, paired with this affair buisness just raises a lot of concerns for me.
Is it worth the risk? I don’t know that it is. If my worst fears were to come true I don’t know that Jack and I could easily recover from it, perhaps I’m still raw from my recent very bad experience with someone I had given the benifit of the doubt.
At any rate, the discussion is not over yet, LOL, more to come I am sure. Thank you for your comment and for telling me the things you know I don’t want to hear
I adore that about you, and I hope you know that.
Thanks again to all of you for comment! Feel free to continue sharing your thoughts and opinions. They are giving Jack and I plenty of good stuff to talk about
XOXO
Shasta
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May 20th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
She knew the man was married… to me that pretty much says she doesn’t really care about anyone else’s feelings.
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May 20th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
I feel weird giving my two cents, having heard the story from another point of view already, but I can’t resist.
Like you Shasta, I am so completely against those who cheat and those who knowingly facilitate cheating. I’ve come along way from my “omg poly is sew gross” roots since meeting you and Jack but my complete disgust with cheaters has always remained true.
This was until a few days ago when an amazing friend of mine announced she was having an affair without her husband’s knowledge. This woman is so inspiring and amazing and loving, it shocked me to think that she was a “low life” cheater. How could I reconcile this new side of her with the parts I love and adore. I was also introduced to the man she was cheating with, who is also married. He was smart, charming, and truly interesting. I kept catching myself enjoying having a conversation with him despite the complete disgust with their activities.
What I’ve learned in the past few days is “affairs” and cheating to do often translate into other parts of the people’s personalities. My friend is one of the most giving, generous and loving people I have ever met, and like you, I am at a place where it is hard to reconcile these horribly different facets of herself. The fact I find myself liking this man shocks me completely as well.
I do not condone the practices of this young lady in the least, and most of me is inclined to say that she does not respect relationships nor the feelings of other people. But at the same time, she is only 20 and from some of the stories I have heard she seems misguided and truly vulnerable, as if she was mislead and used in a sense.
I can understand your feelings and apprehension on the entire subject. Your husband’s feelings and your relationship are obviously important to you, and any chance either of those things can be tampered with should be avoided as best as possible. On the same note, I know that your husband has been feeling somewhat lonely after the move, and in some ways (as hard as it may be for you), this could be a chance for him to find some semblance of friendship. While I could completely understand the inability for you to agree to a relationship with this woman, could a coffee really hurt him, you, or her? If it was established before hand that it was strictly platonic, possibly even the three of you meeting if that could be set up somehow, it might be more of a positive than a negative. While it is up to you and your hubby in the end and the comfort of everyone, I’m tempted to say give the girl a chance even if it is for one coffee.
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May 20th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Oh, don’t ethics create the most interesting conversations?
I agree with your concern. Mostly because there is some unethical behavior in the girls history. A basic lack of respect for an existing relationship would raise red flags for me.
However, as a poly guy looking for a date myself, I know how hard it is to find anyone that’ll even speak to you that isn’t already wrapped up in a poly relationship with no time and several loves. I understand how tempting meeting someone that you like and that returns that affection can be.
The problem is that the girl didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. She maybe doesn’t feel bad because the guy didn’t feel bad about his cheating. Should she carry the other guy’s guilt?
I wouldn’t put myself in the situation of dating a woman that was cheating, but that doesn’t really mean that she did anything wrong. Who knows what kind of spin the guy put on her? There maybe wasn’t even any lying on her part. She maybe doesn’t feel bad because the guy is a jerk and his wife may be even worse. Her youthfulness doesn’t help in that category, either.
So maybe you do meet her and get the whole story for yourself? Then if you think she is being disingenuous, discuss it with Jack. Good communication starts from the beginning for everybody. I’d even mention your concerns to her so she understands your perspective. If poly is a new concept to her, she may not even understand how it feels to be in a relationship where complete communication is expected and practiced.
Since the world is rarely black and white, some communication would at least help in getting perspective on everything.
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May 20th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
A relationship, IMHO, is between two people. While there may be more people involved (children, friends, partners, what have you), the essential element is that a relationship is negotiated between two people at a time.
So, here we go:
Girl has relationship with husband of woman ‘x’. That’s something they’ve negotiated. Fucked up? Possibly. But, they decided on the terms, and the relationship ended when they could no longer agree that the terms were acceptable.
Girl has relationship with Jack. New relationship. New rules. New negotiation. Jack has to decide whether she’s trustworthy in the context of their negotiated relationship.
Jack has a relationship with Shasta. Part of that ongoing negotiation is their comfort with each others’ partners. Is it fair or reasonable that Shasta doesn’t like the way Girl has negotiated past relationships? Yes and no. No, in that it is unfair and unreasonable to condemn Girl for past decisions that didn’t involve either Jack or Shasta. Yes, in that if there is a feeling of unease, that unease needs to be taken into consideration, whether the unease is ‘reasonable’ or not.
Does any of this make sense? I hope so. I try to keep things simple; it helps clarify the boundaries of a discussion….
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May 20th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Thank you to the readers who have commented since my first response. I promise I will respond to each of you individually tomorrow. For now I desperately need sleep, but we appreciate the thoughts, opinions, etc and I hope everyone has a good night/day!
XOXO
Shasta
[Reply To The Above Comment]
May 20th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Most people adore me. [grin]
I should really work on my delivery, but you know what I meant.
The things is… do you know how common it is for people to cheat? I mean, not everybody who does it can be these awful, horrible people some people make them out to be. Some cheaters are - don’t get me wrong. But some people just make some really bad mistakes. Really. They convince themselves of this or that… they’ve got a good “reason,” they feel so strongly; someone or something else is responsible or holding them back… any of these sound familiar? I’m not saying its right, I’m just saying we humans can convince ourselves of anything if we want it bad enough.
I’ve been cheated on - I knew both people. One was a horrible person who didn’t deserve the time of day from anyone… and the other was a good person who gave into weakness and did something they never thought they’d do ever. But she’s a good person… she just made a bad choice.
I don’t this girl… and neither do you. She could be a great person… who just doesn’t have the knowledge or experience to know any better… or a multitude of other things. I can respect your non-tolerance of such behavior… I just think its limiting to be so judgmental. But hey its your life - I don’t have to live it. You have to be comfortable with it… not me
Love you too, Shasta…
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May 20th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
I believe everyone has to have a certain line in the sand that they will not cross. An open relationship is fine, a cheating one is not. Having been on the receiving end of a cheating husband, it’s not nice. It has changed our family dynamic for the worse. I’m with you SG, this girl will only bring heartache, angst, mistrust etc etc. Jack you have to weight up your priorities and see this girls real agenda.
Alice in Oz.
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May 20th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
There seem to be two questions you and Jack are contemplating. 1) Do you let this person into your lives and 2) if so, how far?
Except in extreme situations, i believe it’s wrong to refuse to associate with someone because of their past. We all have so much to learn, it seems silly to dismiss an opportunity for friendship out of hand. However, it seems clear that Jack wants more than a friendship, and i believe your relationship with him is more important than being fair. You know for a fact that, on at least one occasion, this person chose to pursue her needs and feelings even though it could potentially hurt someone else. You have no way of knowing how much she recognized the pain she might be causing, but, whether she knew what she was doing or not, she was capable of doing it and could potentially repeat herself in the future. You have no way of knowing if she *would* do it again, but it’s not unreasonable to be concerned. The word “judgmental” isn’t a four-letter word - you owe yourself the luxury of good judgment where your marriage is concerned. If you are over-cautious, Jack merely misses out on a good fuck. If you are under-cautious, you could irrevocably harm your marriage.
I like the rule of 2 yeses, 1 no. If either spouse says “no” then that’s that. We allow for a bit of haggling and pleading of our case, but, ultimately, how could my partner enjoy doing something that he knows is upsetting me?
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May 21st, 2008 at 7:37 am
Great responses… makes it hard to add more without repeating someone in here.
However, I do have to say that I am kinda in the same boat as Jack when it comes to my spouse dealing with accepting an interest in someone he deems untrustworthy.
I can totally relate to his sentiment of the fact that trusting your spouse to make the right decisions is what really matters. I do believe this myself. So basically I’ll write this in terms of how I relate to this.
I knew coming into this that sooner or later one spouse will have to face the fact that they may not like the person that the other is involved with, Just like friendships, we may not be crazy about some of the friendships that our spouses may have. It could be simply thier attitutes, pov, past behaviour or even influences. We may not like them or even can’t stand a few of the friends that come in, but you have to respect the choices in friendships they made out of respect for them. All this of course is withiin reason and certainly as a concerned mate, we will step in if the friendship is destructive right?
I figure this applies to potential romantic friendships as well. More of a challenge here, but in the end we do form friendships within these romances right? Anways I know I do.
The thing is, imo I do not appreciate my spouse telling me who I can or cannot get involved with (that is my personal sentiment I have to fight with when dealing with poly as a couple…). Yet I want to respect that he does not like the person and I am working hard on taking it slow and keeping the lines of communication and discussion open. As long as we both have an open mind about this situation I am sure we will both come out winners. This is I think the biggest challenge for a poly couple to deal with when our mates are interested in others.
My point to all of this, is that realistically, you are not going to get along, like or tolerate some of the people that come into your spouse’s life. I do think you should trust the strong bond you two have, the common sense he has to deal with this. This girl may be young and may have issues concerning trust or honesty, but Jack is mature and will have to sleep in the bed he’s made, so to speak.
I think the best thing you can do, is be supportive, deal with the issues and communicate clearly between you when issues arise (don’t let it fester there.. you know?) and remeber you cannot control everything around you, including your mates feelings about others, all you can do is control how you feel.
Plus, like most said here… she is young and still learning, cut her some slack. It does not help anyone, including you, if you get on your high horse right off the bat. We all are flawed ppl. She may have not had a decent guy to treat her right and only knows what this married guy has given her.
Take it as a learning experience for all those involved. Good luck Shasta
*hugs*
[Reply To The Above Comment]
May 21st, 2008 at 7:42 am
P.s. Pardon the saying in the 3rd last paragraph LOL… I didn’t realise I used the worng expression >.< for this situation. I meant no disresoect and I meant it as: If Jack does get involved, he will have to deal with the consequences of any emotions you or her may bring up in this situation.
Sorry again. :3
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May 21st, 2008 at 7:53 am
I’m so, so very fortunate to have such a thoughtful and insightful group of readers/commenters here. Honestly, each of you is wonderful, and wise, and I’m greatful you took the time to share your opinions and ideas with me on this somewhat difficult topic.
Finn - Hey you
Obviously I’m inclined to agree with you when it comes to this girl. Poly requires so much communication and consideration for others, I just wonder how much she’ll really think of me if she wants something that I don’t feel comfortable with her having. Thanks for your comment!
Mz. F - I’m glad you stopped in to share your perspective, since as you said, you’ve heard about it from a different perspective. I can sympathise with the position you are in when it comes to your friend. I know I would have an extremely difficult time with that, and I commend you for being open enough to at least remain her friend. I don’t know that I would be able to extend that same type of generosity.
The fact that Jack is lonely here is the only reason I am still entertaining the idea of him meeting this woman. We all need friends. Look at how emo I’ve been during times when I was just getting to know people here. I agree that I should at least encourage him to have a coffee with her, to get a better feel about what all happened and how she feels about it now.
Thank you for taking the time to comment Mz. F
Always a pleasure to have your ideas around here.
Adam - Jack certainly agrees with the point you made in your comment about how difficult it is to find someone who will give him the time of day. As he said “It’s so hard to get a woman to talk to me, when it finally happens you tend to want to at least entertain the idea”.
Jack intends to speak to her more on the subject and get a better idea of how it all came about exactly. If he feels like she’s going to be worth his while, I’ll likely talk to her as well, if she’s not opposed to that (if she is that certainly raises another red flag for me).
Thank you for lending your perspective to this topic
Badger - You made perfect sense to me. You make a very good point about relationships being between two people. I think Jack and I are both prone to forgetting that and treating each others outside relationships as extensions of our own. It’s easy to lose yourself in being a ‘couple’ rather than two people who happen to share a close relationship but who still retain individual personalities, and tastes, LOL. Maybe I just needed to be reminded of that, so thank you
XOXO
Shasta
[Reply To The Above Comment]
May 21st, 2008 at 8:32 am
Mon-Mon - Your delivery is fine
Unfortunately I do know how common cheating is, and you do make an excellent point about people justifying behaviour, even if they know it’s not ‘right’ or fair. I should know that better than most really. I know in my head that being quick to judge is limiting, it’s just often difficult to reconcile that with my gut, and my heart. When I wrote this post initially, being rational wasn’t a large factor in how I delivered it, LOL. Plus I was expecting everyone to agree with me, HA HA, man I can be so rediculous.
Thank you for your follow-up comment, and for the love! You’re a really good friend
Alice In Oz - First off, I am sorry that you experienced cheating first hand. I’ve seen what it does to far too many relationships, and I know the damage left it it’s wake. I am sure that if I decide to give her the opportunity, this girl will have to go a long way to earn my trust, or my respect. While I can certainly let go of ‘controlling’ who Jack spends time with, I think it will be a considerable amount of time before I can let go of being suspicious and on guard. Thank you so much for commenting, I appreciate your perspective.
Roxy - Thanks for your excellent comment
You made some really great points. I think Jack and I are still at the point of him haggling and pleading his case. Although I’d already said ‘No!’ on more than one occassion, I thought it was a discussion worth revisiting, hence the post of course 
I like what you said about judgement, because that’s kind of my opinion as well, you just said it better than I did.
Esined - No need to apologise
I knew what you meant, LOL.
You know, I don’t like telling Jack who he can or cannot hang out with either, and as a rule, I maintain that status that I don’t ‘tell’ him anything, nor ‘let him’ do things he wants to do. He and I both make our best effort not to control the other.
Fortunately, we are both also very considerate of the other, and I think in this case it’s more a matter of him not wanting to upset me, rather than me forbidding him from seeing her. I wouldn’t like it if he forbid me either, and lord knows he hasn’t been wild about some of the people I’ve dated.
It can be difficult to find balance. I know you’ve had similar struggles, and I wonder how you would feel if the roles were reversed for you? How do you think you would handle it if your husband really wanted to date someone you thought was a questionable human being? I ask not to be vindictive, but out of genuine curiosity, and because I sometimes have a hard time stepping into other peoples shoes.
I think her young age also puts me off because so far my experiences with the young and inexperienced (with poly) have been disasterous.
Jack and I were talking about it last night before we fell asleep and I asked him if he thought maybe I was just being the type to ‘look for something wrong’ with the women he might date. Fortunately he doesn’t think that’s the case, and understands that I have perfectly valid concerns about her. He’s aware of the issue, which is so much better than if he was oblivious, or in denial about how serious this could be. Really, that should be enough to reassure me that he’s careful and mindful.
Thanks for your comments sweetie
You often remind me to look at situations more from Jack’s perspective, since our relationships have a lot in common, just reversed, LOL.
XOXO
Shasta
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May 21st, 2008 at 9:15 am
Shasta,
As a new reader to your blog in the past couple of monthes (which I enjoy very much) this post was an interesting one. I was involved with a married man for about 2 years. I was young when I got involved in the situation around 23. Some aspects of the relationship were amazing - I learned so much about trust and sex in it, and because of those things it caused the relationship to not work. When he left his wife, his look at our relationship changed. I recall one conversation with him about how he felt guilty when he had sex with wife because he was “cheating” on me. That occured about 2 weeks before he left her and I remember being so confused with his outlook. I never once expected him to have a monogamous relationship with me.
Long long story short - I left him after he began sleeping with his wife again. Not because he was having sex with her, but because he lied about it. I knew he’d slept with her again after seeing him the next day - it was clear - and I asked about it…and he denied it.
About a month later when he needed to confess his “wrongdoings” I wasn’t even upset until he mentioned that he didn’t use a condom. We’d always had an understanding about using safe sex practices (I guess that was mainly in regards to me…) His wife had been having sex with others and I was pretty certain it was unprotected as well. After having a slew of STD tests and having a false positive I had a lot of negative feelings towards him.
We had a weird relationship for about a year and finally when he began interfearing with other romantic relationships I just told him that he needed to get the hell out of my life - no more contact.
I’m 32 now. I’m married to my best friend, a super sexy guy, the best father a woman could ask for her child. (And yes I love it when people tell me how beautiful our daughter is - it happens a lot and I never get tired of hearing it) We talk about everything - he deals with me when I get snippy and bossy, takes care of me when I’m sick, and loves me through it all.
If my husband approached me about a relationship that you and Jack have, I believe I would open to it and be able to trust him completely.
At this point it sounds like not much is known about the how/why her relationship began with the married man - so she may not be be quite the homewrecker you may think she is. So….I think this…meet this interest of Jack’s…If she is truly a homewrecker she’ll probably want nothing to do with a meeting. Even though she’s young, if you meet she’s going to realize that a relationship with Jack is going to always involve you. If she’s mentally old enough to handle that and the responsibilities that come with it…respecting herself, you, and Jack then it might be workable.
[Reply To The Above Comment]
Shasta
reply on May 22nd, 2008 7:28 pm:
Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment.
It’s true that I don’t have nearly enough information about the situation, and that I’ve made a lot of assumptions about her and the situation in question. As I’ve said above, when I have a difficult time relating to people, or to the choices they make, I tend to get a little judgemental. Not a good look for me I’ve discovered, as you and my other wise commenters have opened my eyes.
You also make an excellent point that even suggesting a meeting could speak volumes about her motivations and attitudes. The last time a woman felt uncomfortable meeting me, it turned out that she was indeed out to steal the guy I was seeing at the time (not Jack however) so I’m a little more cautious these days, LOL.
Thanks again
XOXO
Shasta
[Reply To The Above Comment]
May 21st, 2008 at 10:27 am
I totally understand how you feel, but to make your husband happy I would at least have coffee with the girl and she what she’s all about…..
[Reply To The Above Comment]
Shasta
reply on May 22nd, 2008 7:37 pm:
Sound advice
Thank you!
[Reply To The Above Comment]
May 21st, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Hey Shasta,
Long-time lurker, first-time commenter: sounds to me like you should meet her and make sure she’s not the horrible monster you have built-up in your head. But watch your back, she’s already tried to break up one marriage for her own gain.
Also, as someone who HAS broken up a marriage (albeit a dysfunctional, failing marriage), not everyone who is party to an affair is necessarily wrong, or doing it out of selfishness. Maybe she was acting in what she thought were his best interests.
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Shasta
reply on May 22nd, 2008 7:40 pm:
Thank you SO much for coming out of lurkerdom to comment here. I always get excited when new commenters venture onto the board.
I’m thinking that being open-minded, while careful is the best route to take in this case. She’s young, and I hate to say it, but most people without a lot of life experience often aren’t that considerate or smart when it comes to their decisions.
Again, I appreciate you leaving a comment here. Hopefully this won’t be the only one!
[Reply To The Above Comment]
May 21st, 2008 at 10:45 pm
I was in a relationship with a married man and I was pretty heavily manipulated by the guy. I was in denial as to the pain I caused, because I was so dependant on my relationship with this man. But, that she was able to dump him shows that she doesn’t have the dependence on this man that I felt.
[Reply To The Above Comment]
Shasta
reply on May 22nd, 2008 7:42 pm:
That’s a good point as well. If she’s uncertain of herself of lacks confidence in relationships I am starting to see that it would be easy to fall into this sort of situation.
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May 22nd, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I don’t think it’s possible to have a blanket feeling about all situations like this. Each one has it’s own story. Some times yes, the woman is definitely as much to blame as the man and she is just as bad. Some times the two people find each other and they think it’s going to develop into something else. Some times the wife is truly a cunt. Some times the man is just a fucking player like this dillhole clearly was. I think it’s always situation based and your husband does bring up a good point about him being trustworthy. In this case I’d give it a shot to see how she is personally. For all we know, this man painted a glorious picture and she thought maybe he was the one for her so she waited through it. The fact that she ended it when she found out that he had no intention of leaving says that she wasn’t in it to be a homewrecker - she was in it for love and was played the fool. I’d say your morals are in the right place, but not everything is black and white. Give her a chance to see what type of person she is. Leave it open with Jack that if things go awry or she gets weird with Jack that you have the ability to axe it.
[Reply To The Above Comment]
Shasta
reply on May 22nd, 2008 7:44 pm:
Thank you Miss Pea, for stopping in to lend your thoughts to the discussion.
Very well said, as always
The majority seem to feel that I should not write her off too hastily, and I’m beginning to feel that way as well.
[Reply To The Above Comment]
May 27th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
[...] has a tentative coffee date with that woman I mentioned in this post. I’m feeling pretty ok about that, and I’m glad he’s meeting new people. [...]