I think I am done with Varick.

It’s unfortunate really, especially since Forbidden is this weekend and he and I were/are going together.  I may hold off breaking up with him until then, if only so that I don’t have to go alone.

Things have changed between us since I have been back.  Or perhaps they haven’t actually changed and I’ve just had a few things pointed out to me which sparked further investigation and analysis of past interactions.  After five weeks apart, perhaps neither of us feel particularly attached any more, and that is likely as it should be.

He is also seeing someone else, and perhaps her single status makes her more appealing in his eyes.  Us married girls always get the shaft it seems.  Most men don’t want a long term relationship with someone who already has her ‘white picket fence’ with another dude.  I am certainly not whining about it, since I can totally understand, simply pointing out an observation I have made.

K, for all his asshatery, would have licked the ground I walked on.  He loved me completely; a fact that he made perfectly clear in the way he treated me.  Varick gives off the impression (at least in front of my friends) that I am simply a play thing.  He acts oddly in front of other people, distant and standoffish when in private he is very affectionate, at least physically. 

I need more than just a good fuck when he has the time and inclination.

I want to be with someone who is interested in me and in my life.  Someone who isn’t so closed off emotionally, or packing so much baggage.  At first I wanted to weasel my way into those places he keeps so private, but the more I look at it objectively, the more I think “OMG not another project, please”.  That’s what you get when you date people who are not whole and self-contained, a project, a whole heap of hard work, and I just don’t need it right now.

My heart won’t let me keep it casual and fluffy.  I want to, because I really do like him, and he’s very attractive (and while I am not shallow, I can certainly appreciate looks).  He just isn’t really what I am looking for personality-wise.

Tonight is the kink munch and I am debating talking to him about it there (not right there, as in with people around, but at some point in the evening, when I can pull him aside).  Part of me wants to wait until Forbidden, because I know there would be time to talk about it, and perhaps he would earn himself a second chance.  The other part of me just wants to have it done and over so that I can go to Forbidden and be open to perhaps meeting someone more suitable.

I expected myself to be sadder over the prospect of ending my relationship with him.  I think perhaps I came to the realization and acceptance quite some time ago that this was not meant to last, and the process appears to be unfolding as it should.  Varick doesn’t want poly long-term and I don’t want to invest in changing his mind.

We’ve had a good run, but I just don’t think he is who I should be with right now.  I think had things not started off as a Dom/sub relationship we might have been different, but his emerging attitude that my submission entitles him to treat me with indifference while expecting me to accept it quietly just won’t do.  Please don’t get me wrong, he’s a great kid, and it’s been wonderful watching his confidence grow.  The fact is, he’s young, and there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and he hasn’t mastered the balancing act quite yet.

I don’t think that he will allow himself to love me, and perhaps that’s the biggest deal breaker of them all.  Certainly I don’t expect him to love me now, or even in a few months time, since putting expectations on people is stupid.  I just get the impression that he has already decided he won’t let himself go there with me, and while I understand it, I can’t accept it.  I deserve someone who is open with their emotions and who isn’t going to confine our relationship to some tidy and convenient box.

Nia and I have been discussing it this morning and she thinks I should save myself the wasted time (and perhaps missed opportunities)  and just break it off before this weekend.  She makes a good point, and it’s not like he’s really emotionally invested, so the whole thing should be relatively quick and painless.  I can just pull him aside and be all “It’s not working out, I like you but you are not what I want.  I hope we can still be friends.  By the way, you might wanna ask Deja if you can bunk with her this weekend because I think it would be awkward if you stayed with me.  Bye!”

Ok really I am not that rude.  I’ll be gentler, in case he actually does have feelings after all, LOL.

On a separate note, life has been good since getting home from my extended vacation.  V is getting settled in and we are getting a shit-ton of stuff done around the house.  We are also spending a lot of time talking and laughing and drinking too much wine (ok it was just that one night, and only three bottles, LOL).

Jack and I were able to go out for a date on Saturday evening, since V and I had gone out the night before.  It was really wonderful having some time to ourselves.  We went to see The Dark Knight, which really IS as good as everyone is saying it is.  I would kind of like to go back and see it again actually, since it’s amazing on the big screen.

We held hands the entire movie, and it was so nice to just be together, without any distractions.  I am looking forward to more dates and perhaps even the occasional overnight away.

Next weekend is V’s birthday and the weekend after that is mine, so there is tons of fun to be had in the very near future.  We also have tickets to the Journey concert in Toronto on the 5th, and the three of us are going together.  V and I aren’t big Journey fans, but Heart is opening and we really like them, so it’s all good.