Kicking Myself In The Ass

Posted on March 31st, 2006 in Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

Why can’t I just follow the rules?

I’ll admit, I’ve never been very good with rules. In high school I made it a personal goal to break every one of the of rules (and there were several pages worth) in our student handbook.

I think I succeeded actually, and was very lucky to never get caught.

These days it’s not really a matter of getting caught. When I fuck up, I tell Jack as soon as possible. Even though I know I am going to disappoint and upset him, I couldn’t stand the thought of keeping anything from him.

Now then, I’m sure you’re wondering what brought this on, so I’ll get to the story.

While I was staying at my mum’s, my two younger brothers and I went out to the bar on Wednesday evening. We were just going to have a drink and shoot the shit. Seeing as my home town is pretty small and it was the middle of the week, things were very dead. There were only about a dozen people in the place and six of them were my brothers friends.

We sat down and I saw a guy who looked very familiar to me. I was 99% sure I knew who he was, and he obviously thought he knew me as he kept looking at me, and I at him. I went to the bathroom and on my way back to our table he stopped me and asked if I was [insert my name here] and I said that I was. He grabbed me in a big hug and asked me how I’d been. I sat down at the table with him and his other friend and we started catching up on what all had been going on. I suppose he needs a name of some sorts for the purposes of this story, so we shall call him L. We hadn’t seen each other in five years, so there was quite a lot to tell. I also found out from him how a lot of our mutual friends were doing that I have lost touch with.

“I think about you a lot you know” he said. I was pretty surprised by that. L and I always had a bit of a crush on each other, but one of us was always involved with someone else and it never really worked out. One day, in a moment of mutual weakness, I gave him a blowjob (even though we were both dating other people) but that was about as far as it went. I hadn’t really expected him to still think about me and wonder what had become of me, but apparently he had.

I told him about Jack and the kids and what all I had been up to. He was still in shock that we had run into each other. He told me he never thought he would see me again and that he had wished I had kept in touch after I moved away. I was flattered that he was so happy to see me, and obviously all of our old feelings for each other hadn’t died off.

He had to get some cash from the ATM machine and he asked me to come with him. I thought that was sort of odd, since the ATM was just across the bar, but I figured he wanted to tell me something away from his friend, so I went with him.

“I’ve really missed you, ya know” he said while he punched in his pin number. I just smiled and said I was surprised that he even remembered me. He laughed and said “You gave me the most incredible blowjob of my life, I’ll never forget you as long as I live. I talk about you all the time actually. I can’t wait to tell everyone that I saw you, they’ll never believe it.” I wasn’t too sure what to say to that so I just smiled and nodded.

We went back to the table and he ordered us another round. He kept staring at me and grinning the entire time. Pretty soon one of my brothers came over and said that they had to take one of their drunk friends home. I told him not to worry about it, I could catch a cab home, and to tell mum that I ran into some people I knew and I would be home later.

L’s friend went to the bathroom and while he was gone L asked me pretty much out of nowhere if Jack and I were into swinging. If it hadn’t been glaringly obvious before it certainly was at that moment, he still wanted to get into my pants. I decided to just tell him the truth, so I explained that Jack and I have an open marriage and that I have a boyfriend as well and so on.

“I would love to take you home right now” he said. “I’ve wanted you pretty much since the moment I first laid eyes on you. For the past seven years I’ve been fantasizing about being with you… I wish things could have been different with you and me. I think we could have been really good together.”

OK then.

I hadn’t expected him to even know who I was let alone find out that he still wanted to be with me and had been carrying on his crush all this time. I’ll admit, flattery gets you pretty far with me, and he was laying it on thick. He all but asked me to marry him (although if I had been single I’m not entirely sure he wouldn’t have tried that).

His friend came back and he toned it down a little, but it was still very apparent that he was totally taken with me. His friend just smirked and the three of us chatted about mundane things.

L got a call on his cell phone and after hanging up he invited his friend and I over to his place because some other people were going over there and since the bar was closing right away he thought we could hang out more. I wanted to see some of my other friends from school so I said sure, I’d go over for a bit.

We caught a cab to L’s and I got to catch up with another old friend. She and her high school sweetheart (I knew both of them really well back then) are getting married and they already have a little girl together. I am so happy that they are still together and doing fine.

L wanted to show me the rest of his place so he took me on the tour. Even I realized that he just wanted to lure me into his bedroom, but I indulged him anyway. We went into his room (which was of course a mess) and he closed the door behind him. I turned around and he grabbed me and kissed me hard. I wasn’t totally expecting it, but I didn’t push him away. He let go and stepped back and sort of shivered, then he smiled and shook his head.

“You still have that affect on me, even after all this time.”

He kissed me again, and to make a long story short, we ended up having sex. And before anyone asks, yes we used a condom.

Immediately afterwards guilt set in. In the heat of the moment I had neglected to call Jack before I did anything. I was being selfish, and I can’t come up with any justifiable reason for not calling.

I told L I had to get going. We exchanged numbers with the promise of keeping in touch, and then I caught a cab back to my mom’s place.

I didn’t sleep much. I kept thinking about Jack and K and cursing myself for being such a dumbass. No sex I’ve ever had is worth disappointing Jack for, and I couldn’t figure out why I hadn’t just said no to L. I don’t have any good reasons. All I can say is that I did have a lot of feelings for L way back then, and part of me did want to finally find out what it would be like to be with him. He’s very charming, he always has been, and he has always made me feel like I was the most special woman in the world to him. I wasn’t expecting him to still make me feel like that, but he did, and I just totally fell for it. Not that I’m saying he wasn’t sincere, because I know him well enough that I believe everything that he said. That doesn’t justify breaking my agreement with Jack, but I’m just trying to explain where I was coming from, so maybe I can figure out why I broke our rule.

In the morning I decided not to tell Jack what had happened until I got home from my mothers. He was at work and I didn’t want to unload it onto him until we actually had a chance to talk about it. In the past I have actually told him important things while he was working on purpose, because I knew he wouldn’t be able to freak out about it until he got home. However, that isn’t fair to him because then he gets distracted and upset at work and ends up getting nothing done and feeling like shit all day. It isn’t fair to do that to him, and I didn’t want to let myself off easy by telling him via e-mail or over the phone, I wanted to talk to him face to face.

However, I had to talk to someone about it because I was in a panic and the guilt was overwhelming. I called up V and spilled the entire story to her. She got me calmed down and reminded me that we all make mistakes (sometimes really big ones that we could have avoided with a little common sense). She gave me some encouragement and reassured me that in the end it would be alright and that regardless Jack would still love me, no matter how disappointed or angry or upset he got.

By the time the conversation ended I felt a little better. I was nauseated the rest of the day though and by the time I got home and Jack got home the thought of telling him made me want to throw up.

We sat down and I told him what had happened. He was understandably disappointed. He didn’t get angry or anything, it was more like he was really sad that I had broken the rules, yet again. He said he wasn’t sure we could continue having this open relationship if I couldn’t follow the rules. I had absolutely nothing to say in my defense. I mean, like I said, I can’t justify it at all. I was being totally selfish and that’s the bottom line.

I don’t blame him at all for being upset and for questioning his ability to trust me to abide by our agreements. Obviously I have a problem doing so. All I could do is sit there and feel miserable and guilty. Of course I apologized several times, but that really doesn’t make it all better. Jack still isn’t sure what to do. He said that it’s hard because he doesn’t want to just let it go, but that the same time there aren’t really any consequences to my breaking the rules (besides him being upset and me feeling like a big bag of poo). At the same time he says that he doesn’t know what it’s like to be in my situation, and I know he’s trying to be understanding, but I still don’t think I have any good excuse.

Right now I guess we’re basically not sure what to do about the situation. I don’t have any ideas, neither does Jack. We’ll talk more about it tonight I think and perhaps we can come up with something. I know he is hesitant to put a stop to us having an open marriage, but he is also frustrated with me because I have broken the rules three times now. I don’t really know why I don’t follow them. Basically I just get to a moment where I am totally selfish and not thinking of anyone but myself. Maybe I need to be put on probation for a while or something until I prove to Jack that he can trust me. I don’t know what exactly that would entail, but at this point I just don’t know what to do.

So, after I aired everything with Jack I called K. I knew I had to tell him what happened as well. I know that he would tell me if he fucked anyone else, and I always want us to have that openness, so I repeated it all to him. He actually reacted way better than I was expecting, which was a relief. K and I don’t have any rules between us per sae, but recently I told him that I wasn’t interested in pursuing anyone else and that I didn’t plan on hooking up with any other guys. K had been skeptical of that even at the time that I said it, but he was nice enough not to say “I told you so” too many times last night after I explained what happened. I never anticipated that I’d run into someone I used to be really attracted to and that he would still want me. I certainly wasn’t looking to hook up with anyone.

Our conversation made me feel better and worse at the same time. Better because K was really good about it and understanding and all that; worse because K was really good about it and understanding and all that and here I have gone and possibly compromised my relationship with him by breaking my agreement with Jack. If Jack decides that he really can’t trust me to follow the rules, K and I will have to be ‘just friends’ and it will be no ones fault but mine.

I just feel like shit about it all. I wish it had never happened, or at least that I had called Jack (if I had he would have vetoed me so nothing would have happened anyway). Why in the fuck can’t I listen to my own good sense and just do what I am supposed to do? Why do I always have to make things harder/more complicated/messier than necessary?

I didn’t want to blog about this because I hate looking like an idiot (although clearly my actions would show that I am one). There isn’t much point of blogging if I can’t be honest, and this is a pretty significant event as far as my relationships go, so there it is. You get the good, the bad, and the really bad.

Published by Shasta

12 Responses to “Kicking Myself In The Ass”

  1. padme Says:

    Stiletto Girl,
    I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. I’ve been in the same type of boat a few times myself. Things happen sometimes. It’s good you and J are communicating about it all. It’s good for K’s support through this too. We are all human and heat of the moment happens to everyone at some point of their life. Your NOT a idiot!! Your human. You are a good person. HUGS

    I’m here if you want to talk at all…I’m on messenger today. I appreciate all your support and friendship through my difficult time with my Dad. The last 2 weeks have been hard. Things are looking up finally. I have missed chatting with you and hope we can catch up soon…


    Reply To The Above Comment

  2. Goryion Bolverk Says:

    It seems as if you have a big problem with authority. Even when it’s you making the rules you seem like there’s a little bit inside you that is just SCREAMING to rebel. In fact in my book this one would have come dagerously close to violating the “no ex’s” rule, even though you were officially together.

    Until you figure out why you want to break the rules so badly, you’re bound to keep doing it.

    Good Luck,

    Reply To The Above Comment

  3. K Says:

    All I gotta say is.. 5mm sorry SG you know I had to.. maybe thats why I’m so indifferent about it. Either way you have my support. Things will work out one way or another.

    Gor’s words offer good insight.. you are kind of a rebel at times…


    P.s Hero cookie for whomever guesses what 5mm means.*hint* its really mean.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  4. JeN Says:

    You took the biggest step which was admitting to those you love that you did something wrong. Proud of you for that!

    Reply To The Above Comment

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Skank! it really is all about you all the time. Jack is such a loser.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  6. jeremy Says:

    ::I’ll admit, flattery gets you pretty far with me::

    I totally love your blog.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  7. Stiletto Girl Says:

    Padme, I have missed you too! Thank you so much for your friendship and I am SO glad to hear that your dad is getting a little better! *HUGS* I hope to talk to you soon :)

    Goryion, I suppose I have always had a problem with authority. Like you said, any rules (even self-imposed ones) tend to make me itch to bend them or worse. I still haven’t figured out WHY I do that, but I’d better figure it out in a hurry because you’re right, I’ll probably keep doing it until I find the cause.

    K you’re just mean :P

    Jen, thanks so much *HUGS* I really appreciate your comment.

    Jeremy…I’m flattered ;) Wanna get together for a drink sometime :P LOL

    Reply To The Above Comment

  8. reader #1 Says:

    Maybe its time you were honest with yourself and realized you made the rules so that you could break them.

    Jack seems like a regular guy who is trying to give the woman he loves everything she wants to hold on to her.

    Too bad that woman takes advantage of it and can’t be honest enough to tell him she doesn’t want him anymore.

    It’s all very sad.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  9. K Says:

    Reader #1

    Allow me to foot this.. for starters.. if it all came down to choosing a monogamous relationship with her husband or with another guy.. I’d hafta say hands down she would choose her marriage over all else.

    SG has a rebelious streak at times and she is human. Humans are chaotic by nature and sometimes find themselves following through on emotion rather then logic. If you’ve been intimate with someone and got hot and heavy, you should know as well as most that logic at that point shuts down and your basic human nature takes control. Some people have better control at times such as myself (to which I am proud) but even I at times neglect things. It happens as it is human nature to be ruled by emotions.

    As for the situation Jack suggested this course.. SG was leary but they worked things out and planned it out. She’s not going out and just sleeping with anyone. Her first was R.. a guy she met ona ladies out trip. It didn’t go far and she felt guilty as it was all new and she had emotional issues. Now I am the second. We’ve been staying this course for some time and she’s adapted. She no longer feels guilty when with me.. this is the way I look at it. The relationship here is SG and Jack. They are married. Me? I’m the third person that cares for them and tries to look out for them if I can. We’ve come along way. The third and current issue. SG had an emotional attachment to this guy at some point. And I know more of the story and personally I see her reaction as human nature. The only wrong she did was not call. As for the guy. Well. Needless to say it had best be really good curcumstances that I meet him.

    So. Please think before you speak. Place yourself in the shoes of everyone involved. Its hard to do at times.. but it is possible. If you were able to you would realize that SG right now is guilty as to what happened and has suffered enough of that. I see no reason to question her love for Jack.

    Have a good day and I am sorry for the extended post.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  10. Stiletto Girl Says:

    Reader #1

    First, thank you for using some sort of name and not just posting as anonymous :)

    Secondly, thank you for expressing your opinion. Jack and I will always encourage comments, even if we do not agree with them.

    K, thank you for your comment. I appreciate you coming to my defence. People will always judge us based on the content of this blog, we know and accept that. We may not always like what they have to say, but we still encourage them to speak their mind.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  11. Jack Says:

    So what SG is saying K, in a nice around way, is that it is not necessary to jump and defend her everytime someone posts a negative comment about us on here. Doing that just discourages those who do from ever posting again….and that’s not something I want. Even though we may not agree with everything someone posts, it does provide food for thought about SG and my situation. Believe it or not, it usually helps in building the strength of our relationship and produces some great conversations between us.

    Continue to give your point of view, but do not find it necessary to jump to our defence or attack anyone else. It’s not needed.

    Reply To The Above Comment

  12. Reader #1 Says:

    To k: I’ve been reading this blog, have actually gone back and read all the posts. My opinion is not based just on this post to which I have commented.

    I can understand you defending SG has you have feelings for her. I just don’t agree with your logic.

    And to have Jack say to SG “it turns me on to think of you with another guy” is a far cry from suggesting an open marriage. I stand by my original words.

    And lastly, you can be assured that I did think before I commented. This was my first comment. As I said above I read the whole blog, and followed SG in her other blogs before this one. I was not attacking anyone, just offering my opinion. And if it is true that SG and Jack use the comments to spark discussion, then hopefully my comment will be the catalyst to some honest talk.

    I’m not trying to criticise the lifestlye they’ve chosen. To each their own. I just see a lot more going on underneath the surface.

    Again, my opinion.

    Reply To The Above Comment

Leave a Comment

Lips?What Is That?Sepia
  • Contact Shasta


    stilettodiaries at gmail dot com
    Chat with Shasta on MSN Messenger! Add me to your contacts list: catchyandquicksilver at hotmail dot com

  • Shasta's Tweets

    • Its raining at the ACDC concert and we are having an amazing time!!! 2 hrs ago
    • On our way to the ACDC concert! 5 hrs ago
    • More updates...
  • Hosting Provided By

  • Subscribe

    Vote for my site!

    White Knot

    I (heart) FetLife: BDSM & Fetish Community for Kinksters, by kinksters

  • THE Sex Toy Store

    Babeland Valentine's Day

    Sex Toy Sex Toys

    Sex Toys, Dildos, Vibrators at


  • Meta

    • Log in
    • Web Design
    • Top WordPress Themes
    • Best WordPress Theme
    • Web Directory