Stiletto Diaries

Pretty Stupid Things

Posted on March 20th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

Now that I’ve rested and am enjoying a cup of caffeine, I can blog some more about the weekend.

Saturday morning I got up first with the kids and fed them some breakfast. Jack had offered to get up with them, but I wanted to let him sleep in a bit. So I kept them occupied for a couple of hours, and then got Jack out of bed. I wanted to spend a little time with K in the morning, as he had been acting kind of weird before bed. He was half asleep, so I crawled into bed beside him and we cuddled a bit.

I asked him what was wrong and he basically said that he didn’t feel he should be at our house and that he felt out of place. I assured him that was not the case, but that’s how he was feeling so what could I really say?

Then we started kissing (and here’s where things go downhill) and groping and I wanted him right then and there, but we didn’t have a condom handy, so we broke the condom rule.

*SIGHS*

I know, I am a total asshole. Apparently I didn’t learn my lesson as well as I thought I had. I didn’t even want to write about it here, but I am trying to admit my mistakes. I feel like a piece of crap, I’ve already talked to Jack about it and he just shook his head and asked me why exactly we even have rules if I am just going to ignore them. What could I say? I fucked up.

Anyway, K and I finished, and I was laying on my stomach on the bed and he was laying on top of me. Just then Jack walked in and glared at us. He gave me shit because one of the kids could have walked in (although honestly they never go into the spare room). Ok, so that’s two BIG fucking mistakes in one morning. I was on a bloody roll.

Brilliant, Goddamned Brilliant.

So Jack was cranky for the rest of the morning and afternoon. He was indifferent towards K which probably didn’t help how K was feeling. I cornered Jack in our room while the kids were occupied by V and K. We had an argument because Jack has been feeling neglected and I didn’t feel that he had been upfront about his feelings. Basically he was upset because he and I don’t spend enough quality time together. I told him I felt like he had been upset about it for a long time and had not told me his feelings. We talked a little and sort of made up but the issue didn’t really get resolved.

I decided to make a run to get some coffee and lunch for those who wanted it, and I asked K to come with me so I would have a chance to talk to him some more.

I felt crappy about how the day was going. Lately I know that K has been sort of questioning our relationship. I know that he loves me, but the reality of the situation can be pretty overwhelming. None of us was expecting this to happen and sometimes it’s hard to deal with it. I think that K tries to own a lot of the little scuffles that happen between Jack and I, even though when it comes right down to it they have nothing to do with him. I know he worries about putting strain on our marriage, and I can’t get him to understand that Jack and I are fine, like we really are. Sure we have moments of irritation, but ask anyone that knows us, we’ve always been like that. We have our silly little day to day disagreements, 99% of them are related to the kids, since I tend to ‘parent’ Jack when it comes to our children, rather than just allow him to do his own thing. That pisses Jack off because it’s like I think he’s not competent, and then we have a little tension. But it’s always short-lived. We get over stuff very easily because neither of us believes in holding a grudge, and we are both quick to apologize and make up.

But I digress. K worries too much about my relationship with Jack rather than just trusting that whatever happens between he and I can be handled. Jack and I are adults, and to tell you the truth this is minor compared to some of the things that have already happened in our relationship. Jack and I love each other, we don’t believe in divorce (with exceptions for extreme circumstances, such as drug addiction, abuse, etc). We would never ever allow our marriage to get to the point that it was in jeopardy. And even if we did, it certainly wouldn’t be because of K, it would be because we allowed our communication to break down. Jack and I are responsible for our own relationship, if we let it go to hell, it will be our own doing, not anyone else’s.

Trying to get that through K’s head is nearly impossible, LOL. I mean, I totally understand where he’s coming from. In his position I would likely have the same worries. He needs to try and let it go though, because he can’t take on things that he is not responsible for.

I told him that I was scared that he was having a lot of doubts that this situation is workable. I also said that if he couldn’t do it, I would understand. I don’t want him to sacrifice his happiness because he’s too stubborn to let this go.

He replied to that by saying he wasn’t about to take off just because things are hard and uncomfortable. Anything worth doing is usually a lot of work, and he wasn’t about to just give up.

That actually made me feel a lot better about things between he and I. I guess (besides Jack of course) I am used to not being worth the hard work. My past relationships failed because the guys I was with were not willing to go out of their way to make our relationship work. I just wasn’t worth it to them, and I guess I still sort of have a complex about it. I worry that I am not worth it to K, and I know that’s silly of me, but that’s how I feel sometimes.

Back to the story, LOL. So later in the afternoon Jack had to go into work for a while and V and K left. Jack and I made plans to cuddle and watch movies that evening, after we got the kids to bed.

V had left a couple of important things at my place, so I offered to meet her at this pub that’s sort of half-way between where each of us lives. I told Jack I would be gone for a little bit and that V and I were going to hang out for a while and then I’d be home and we could watch movies.

So I went and met V and we had a drink and talked. We were having a really good conversation about the situation with Jack and K and I. She really offers me a lot of perspective on things, which is very helpful because I do tend to lose objectivity when I’m right in the middle of everything.

There is a lot more to tell, but I think this entry is long enough and if I launch into the next part of the story we’ll be here a LONG time, LOL. So stay tuned and I’ll get the rest of the weekend posted as soon as I can.