This Started Off Short, And Became Sort Of Long…
Posted on March 8th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
Well it’s hump day, and even though I am not sure I have anything particularly thrilling or insightful to share, I feel compelled to write something.
Jack and I had a really good talk on Monday night. We were in bed together, cuddled up together under the covers. Sort of from no where he said:
“I don’t think that I can read about you having sex with K on your blog anymore.”
I was a little bit stunned, since usually Jack is aroused by the idea of me being with other men. I asked him gently why it disturbed him.
“I dunno. I guess… it’s not the sex really. It’s the little things you do with him. Reading about it sort of reminds me of the early days of our relationship, all the things we used to do that we don’t anymore…”
What could I say? Jack and I have a very wonderful and fulfilling sex life, and we are very happy together in general. He makes me feel like no man has ever made me feel before or since. Perhaps this was a big hint that I don’t tell him or show him that enough.
He was focusing on the things that I do with K that I don’t do with him. So I started thinking about things that I have with Jack that I will never have with K (if K and I even have a long-term relationship, which is far from a sure thing at this point). For instance, K and I will never have children together, nor will we ever get married (at least not in the traditional sense). We will never buy a house together. Jack and I have years of history together that I don’t have with K. Jack knows me, as I said, sometimes better than I know myself. K and I have our own little ‘things’ as well, but our relationship is still brand new, so comparing it to my marriage with Jack is really like apples and oranges anyway.
Does that mean that K is destined to always be second-best? Of course not, I can’t predict the future, or how things between us will evolve over time. Which brings us around to the next thing that Jack said:
“I don’t know if I can be ok with you loving someone else as deeply as you love me. I kind of want to be the only person you love like that”.
He knows that I don’t love K like I love him. At least not right now. However, he does know that it could possibly progress to that point, and he isn’t sure he is prepared for K to be the same level of importance to me that he is. I wasn’t really sure what to say to that. There’s no point in denying that it might happen, because neither of us really know where this is headed. I also think that Jack is a little unsure about the future because he knows that sooner or later K and I will want to be around each other more than just once a week (we already do of course, but it’s not practical now). Then what do we do? It’s not like a normal relationship where the next logical step is moving in with each other. The practical issues alone are overwhelming.
I asked Jack what he wanted to do. What I really meant is “So are you hinting that you want me to break up with K?” Jack knew what I was getting at. He said that he wants me to be happy, and that he can see K makes me happy, and that my happiness is the most important thing to him.
Well, happiness that comes at a cost to my husband is not worth it to me. Besides, he wouldn’t be happy and he can’t fake it with me, so we’d all end up miserable anyway. I think what he was really getting at is that he is willing to work at this and is not prepared to call it all off. At least that is my hope. Every time I ask if he wants to go back to monogamy he says no, so I believe that he’s telling the truth.
This weekend we will hopefully be having K over for supper and to spend the night. It’s a pretty big deal because our kids will be here and they will get to meet K. It was entirely Jack’s idea, which I wasn’t expecting, but I am really looking forward to it. I am sure that everything will go well, and I’ll blog all about it on Monday.
Wow, I had a lot more to write about than I thought, LOL.