Rules Are Not Made To Be Broken…Just Renegotiated
Posted on February 13th, 2006 in Polyamory
Many of you who read this blog have at least a vague familiarity with our rules. We created that list of rules when we started to get serious about having an open marriage. Basically we created them to prevent situations that would make one (or both) of us uncomfortable.
Please refer now to our list of rules (the link is located in the sidebar under the ‘About’ section) so that you can understand this post.
Anyway, we have those rules in place, and so far they are working quite well. There was of course the one serious error on my part when I consciously broke The Condom Rule. Fortunately Jack and I talked a lot about it, and worked it out between us, and have totally moved on from that.
Exceptions have already been made to a few of the rules. Jack and I discuss and renegotiate the rules on a case-by-case basis. We do this because we want to, and because sometimes rules can change and evolve over time.
For instance, we have made some exceptions to the condom rule when it comes to K. Why did we do that? We both reached a level of trust with K, where we felt comfortable granting an exception for our mutual pleasure. Was it necessarily the best decision? Who’s to say… Will it happen again? I don’t know.
Other rules that have gotten exceptions are the no sleeping with partners rule (I have had two sleepovers at K’s house, and Jack was totally fine with both of them). In those two cases an exception was also made to rule #1. Jack and I decided upon those exceptions together, just as we discussed The Online Dating rule and decided that exceptions could be made as long as rules regarding that were put into place to make us both more comfortable.
Not too long ago we also negotiated an exception for Jack in relation to The No Strippers Rule, because he is interested in a woman who happens to be an exotic dancer.
As far as K goes we have pretty much also dropped The Call Before Sex Rule, because it’s a given that he and I are going to have sex when I go to see him. Jack already knows what is going to happen, so he doesn’t care if I don’t call right beforehand. However, that rule still stands as far as any new partners go. Same with The Safecall Rule, since Jack trusts K and does not worry about my well-being when I am with him.
We have also discussed two new rules that I will be adding to the list.
- No unnecessary text messaging during ‘dates’ (Jack came up with that one because there was a misunderstanding on my part over some text messages that he sent me while I was with K, hurt feelings and some distress resulted, so he created this rule).
- Special days and holidays will be spent with spouse. Examples: Valentine’s Day, New Year’s, Thanksgivings, Birthdays, Etc. This should pretty much be an obvious one, but we wanted it down on paper anyway, just so prospective partners know.
So you see, our rules are not made to be broken, or even bent, but we also realize that our relationship is fluid, and changing, and so will our rules as time passes.
Hopefully that gives everyone a better understanding of us and how our rules work within our relationship. Please feel free to ask ANY questions (you may direct them at myself, Jack, or even K if you wish).
February 14th, 2006 at 8:42 am
How did you reach a level of trust with K sufficient to drop the condom rule? Has he been tested recently? How can you be sure you are the only people he is playing with?
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February 14th, 2006 at 2:48 pm
You and Jack are very methodical about this. I can just imagine the negotiations over the kitchen table. “Now honey I think I can live with #54 but I do need a little more room on #33.” Are you accountants?
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February 14th, 2006 at 5:35 pm
Anon, yes K has been tested recently (he hasn’t had any sexual partners besides me since then). He isn’t playing with anyone else right now (and neither are Jack and I for that matter). You would have to be ‘involved’ with our relationship to really understand how the trust got to that point. Lets just say that K and I are very close, and that Jack and I trust him, and he trusts us. The three of us have worked at developing a good friendship, and that’s why we felt comfortable making an exception to the condom rule.
However, there are no longer exceptions to the condom rule for vaginal intercourse (even with K). This has nothing to do with trust, Jack and I just decided that the risk of pregnancy was too great, at least until I find alternative birth control that doesn’t make me so moody no man would dare get close enough to try to have sex with me, LOL.
Poland, LMFAO, yes we are methodical, the both of us never like to leave a stone left unturned so to speak. But our negotiations are usually held while we are cuddled up on the couch together, LOL. And actaully Jack almost DID become an accountant, LOL.
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