There Is Something That I Must Confess To You Tonight
Posted on July 24th, 2009 in Emotional Angst, Ethics And Morality, Featured, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
After my date with Aiden last week, it occurred to me that Kade and I hadn’t yet set down any sort of parameters in our relationship regarding this sort of situation. I’d always had the distinct impression that Kade wasn’t all that interested in my dating habits. He’s never asked me if I was seeing anyone else. He’s never asked if I was sleeping with anyone else. In fact he’s never even enquired as to how many sexual partners I’ve had or a relationship history of any kind.
I care about Kade a great deal, and he has ZERO experience with any of this, so I wasn’t entirely sure how to bring it up. I consulted Nia, who advised me to frame it as a hypothetical question, which would remove a lot of the emotional weirdness until I could establish how much information he wanted.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you by the way, hypothetically, if I was seeing anyone else, would you like to know about it, and if so, how much do you want to know?”
I wasn’t really certain what to expect, but his response was pretty calm. He didn’t think that I would suddenly become monogamous, which was a relief. His only concern was the health risks associated with multiple partners, which is completely understandable. We discussed safer sex practices and regular STI testing. He seemed more comfortable after we’d talked about safety measures and the like.
He decided that he’d rather not know if I happen to have casual sex with someone. I mentioned that I have friends in Calgary whom I usually hook up with while I’m visiting, so he’s prepared for the fact that I’m probably going to be sleeping with other people at some point.
When it comes to me dating someone, he said he would like to know. Not details of course, but simply a “By the way, I’m seeing someone in addition to you”. I am actually glad for that, because I won’t have to try to hide it from him (not that I would try to hide it, I would prefer he know, but if he didn’t want to know I would have to do something to keep it from being obvious). For instance if he wants to make plans and I am going out with someone else that particular night, I won’t have to come up with a lame excuse, or lie, which makes me feel better.
He acknowledged that he may feel some jealousy, or that perhaps once he and I have sex, he may have other feelings on the subject, so we are both prepared for that. Who knows, he may not have any issue at all.
I’m debating now when to talk to him about Aiden, since he and I are already making plans together into September, which I think qualifies as ’seeing each other’. Perhaps I’ll approach him about it this weekend and I’ll just tell the truth: I hooked up with someone that weekend I went camping and then we went on a date, and now we’re going on other dates, so I thought you should know. Easy, no?
I suspect that jealousy, if there is any, will come about because Aiden is willing to go places and do things with me that Kade isn’t mentally ready for. I feel badly because already I’ve had things go through my head such as “Well I’ll just ask Aiden to go to [insert place/event here] with me because I know Kade probably won’t want to”. It’s not nice, but it’s the truth, and it sucks. I have significant feeling for Kade, and I really enjoy spending time with him, but I want to go out and do stuff and he just can’t. I know he’s really working on it, and I want to be patient, but it’s not easy.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Sometimes the things we really need to do are the things that inflict the most pain upon ourselves. It’s the measure of a human… how well we confront pain.
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Shasta
reply on July 24th, 2009 10:45 am:
PsycheDiver,
Truer words, my friend, truer words.
XO
Shasta
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July 24th, 2009 at 10:34 am
it’s not easy. for either party. i’ve been the more anxious person, and i’ve dated more anxious people, and it sucks. it sucks to know your partner is going to some formal dance without you & answering all the questions of “where’s your girlfriend?” it sucks to go to social events alone when you’re partnered. it’s always put strain in the relationship
my reasons for being single & celibate are many right now, but the single biggest reason /is/ my anxiety disorder. i want to be well enough to give 100% towards a relationship before i get into one. kudos to both you & kade for giving it a go, but it may just be that he’s not ready to keep up with you…
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Shasta
reply on July 24th, 2009 10:49 am:
Nia,
That may just be the case. I hope not, but I don’t imagine I can happily wait around forever.
Jack being shy, and at times going through periods of being reclusive, I’m already well familiar with being asked “Where is your SO? Why isn’t he here?” It’s drag, but at the same time, I would never want someone to agree to do something with me and then hate it, so it’s like a lose-lose situation no matter what.
XO
Shasta
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July 24th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Well, the simplest disclosure would be to just point him at shastagibson.com
Actually, what is your policy about that — do your lovers know about the blog? If not, what would happen if they were to chance upon it?
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Shasta
reply on July 24th, 2009 10:59 am:
Literalman,
You know, that ‘policy’ is something I debate and mull over almost constantly.
Initially, almost all of my lovers knew about this place and read it regularly. That was good in some ways, and oh-so-horrible in others. I found that I was less open, less inclined to recount certain events, and limited in many ways regarding what I could post here. In the past I have bruised egos and hurt feelings via what I posted, not intentionally, but because that’s just bound to happen.
Currently, I am reluctant to share it with people I’m dating. Kade doesn’t know about this blog *specifically*. He knows that I write, and he has NEVER asked to see anything that I’ve written. I get the impression that he’d rather not know the nitty-grits. Had he asked to see it, my need to be open and honest probably would have forced me to give him the link.
Aiden reads here. He asked for the link, when I asked him permission to blog about what we did at Tease. If I wanted to write about it, I had to ask him. We were discussing this blog just last night actually, and I asked him to talk to me if anything I wrote here upset or offended him. That’s the best I can do.
Will it change how I write about him? Probably. I wish it didn’t, but sometimes that can’t be helped. The more ‘real life people’ that know about this place, the more constricted I feel, so I generally choose not to share it, unless they ask directly.
It’s a very difficult situation. On one hand I am proud of this site, and I also feel that being totally open with partners is important. On the other hand this is also my personal journal, where I sometimes like to discuss or mull things over BEFORE I bring them up with partners. That won’t work very well if they read it before I have a chance to discuss it.
Anyway, thanks for the comment and the question
XO
Shasta
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July 24th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
The flip side of this issue is one of the strengths of poly, though. Different people like different things.
If Kade enjoys being intimate at the house and the kind of relationship that can be and you enjoy it, you share that part. If Aiden likes going out and you want to do that with him, you share that part with him. The whole point is that one person doesn’t have to be everything for any other one person.
The real difficulty is that society expects one person to be everything for that other person, so we put that pressure on ourselves. It’s very hard to let go of that expectation.
Perhaps explaining this to Kade would help with any anxiety or jealousy he’s feeling. Tell him that you want to be with him for the time that is good for him and that you’ll be with Aiden for the time that is good for him, and then in the end you’re home because that’s where your family is.
As a teacher I’ve learned that you have times where you give emotionally and times where you have to be given to. It’s the emotional bank account idea. When you’re out with your boyfriends (for lack of a better term) you can give to them and receive what they have to offer. When you’re home you get recharged and provide emotional support to your family. That then allows you to then be able to give back to boyfriends. It’s cyclical.
The biggest difference for poly folk is that we have multiple account holders to our emotional bank accounts, whereas most only have one (main one at least) and society really expects that one to do the whole job.
Kade doesn’t have to be all things for you. This idea may provide Kade with an emotional framework for his relationship with you. It gives him the knowledge that you will be available for him in the way he’s comfortable and that you are true to him in that way. At the same time, you’re going to go and be with others to be true to yourself, but that doesn’t lessen your feelings for him.
I find this the most difficult concept for monogamous people to understand. We do it all the time in business and our family lives, but we (as in society) put up blinders to this possibility in our intimate lives. Some discussion about these ideas may be very helpful.
Again, my 2ยข…
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