I Don’t Think I Signed Up For This
Posted on February 27th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
Yesterday was a very long and emotional day. It seems like the entirety of last week was one long and hellish rollercoaster ride.
Thankfully this week is already looking better.
So yesterday just as I was getting ready to leave to meet Q, K came online and I told him to go read my blog post (the one from yesterday) and that I was just leaving.
I headed out to meet Q at one of my favorite restaurants, and left Jack to talk to K.
I was doing fine until I actually got to the restaurant. I got there a minute before him and then the nerves kicked in. I was a total mess, LOL.
What the hell is wrong with me? LOL
Q and I had something to eat. I could hardly stand how nervous I was. It was like that car ride with K all over again, except without all the sexual tension. I don’t know why I was so on edge, I’m not really attracted to Q beyond just friendship. Still, I am sooooooooo very shy.
Q was great about it though. He made me laugh and he complimented me like every five minutes. Eventually I started to feel a little more at ease and act more like my normal self. We talked about all kinds of things, it was cool, he is a totally fun guy, but the attraction is just not there. I feel kinda bad because I can tell he’s pretty attracted to me. I don’t want to lead him on so I think that the nest time I see him I’ll make it pretty clear that I am only interested in him as a friend. Maybe I’ll just refer him to my blog, LOL (kidding, I’m not that rude).
We hung out for a couple of hours and then I said that I had to get going because I had a lot of things I still needed to get done that day. He paid the bill and walked me out to my car. He asked if we could get together next weekend and I said we would see.
On the way home I called Jack and he said that he had been having quite the conversation with K. I told Jack that I’d be home shortly and he could tell me about it then.
I thought about what I wanted to say to K while I drove. I felt like there wasn’t really any good options for what to do next. I figured I could cut K loose completely; be his friend and stop having sex with him; or keep having sex with him and be otherwise totally uninvolved in his life. I didn’t think I would be able to be alright with him having sex with other people, but I would never ask him to stop seeing other people because that wouldn’t be right or fair of me. So I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do.
When I got home I messaged K and told him that I wasn’t prepared to talk to him at that point, and that I would let him know when I was ready. I needed some more time to gather my thoughts, and to talk to Jack about it.
Jack was so good about it. He cuddled me and told me that he understood what a difficult position I was in, and that no matter what I decided, he would support me. That made me feel so much better. It’s good to know that no matter what else is going on, Jack will always love me to pieces.
So I figured I might as well ‘get it over with’ so to speak. I didn’t think I could keep it together enough to talk to him on the phone, so I messaged him online and we had a long talk. I laid it out for him that I thought we should probably just be friends because as it stands I don’t know that I can handle the alternatives. He said that he really didn’t want to have to loose being intimate with me. We kind of got to the same point where neither of us could really think of what could be done about the situation.
I had to run to the store for some things so I told him I would call him and we could continue talking. At first I pretty much tore a strip off of him for what he did to J, which he agreed was more than deserved, LOL.
Then we talked about what we were going to do about our relationship. I don’t want to discuss all the details of the conversation because actually I feel it was pretty personal. Basically we’re at the point now where we are going to sort of let this relationship level itself out. Neither of us wants to lose the other, nor do we want to cause each other any pain. I am going to have to sit down with myself and figure out why I got so upset about him sleeping with that woman. Hopefully he can be a little patient with me in that area while I try to get it all under control. I need to just give my brain a rest and focus on the now, and worry less about what’s going to happen in the future.
By the time the conversation was over we both felt better, even though everything isn’t automatically fixed. I know I will still have moments when I feel angry or sad or whatever. The next time I see him face to face should be interesting because I know when I look at him I’ll think of what happened and it will upset me. So hopefully between now and Saturday I can rationalize with myself and just let it go. After all, what’s done is done and there’s nothing I can do about it now. Regardless, I still care about him and want to have a relationship with him so it won’t do me a lot of good to dwell on it.
Phew, just writing this blog entry helped. Honestly reflecting so much on what has happened gives me a lot of perspective on the situation. I feel better now than I have in days it seems.
All relationships, intimate or not, have their share of hurdles to get over. I think that we’re mostly past this one and we’ll all come out better for it on the other side.