I Don’t Think I Signed Up For This
Posted on February 27th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory
Yesterday was a very long and emotional day. It seems like the entirety of last week was one long and hellish rollercoaster ride.
Thankfully this week is already looking better.
So yesterday just as I was getting ready to leave to meet Q, K came online and I told him to go read my blog post (the one from yesterday) and that I was just leaving.
I headed out to meet Q at one of my favorite restaurants, and left Jack to talk to K.
I was doing fine until I actually got to the restaurant. I got there a minute before him and then the nerves kicked in. I was a total mess, LOL.
What the hell is wrong with me? LOL
Q and I had something to eat. I could hardly stand how nervous I was. It was like that car ride with K all over again, except without all the sexual tension. I don’t know why I was so on edge, I’m not really attracted to Q beyond just friendship. Still, I am sooooooooo very shy.
Q was great about it though. He made me laugh and he complimented me like every five minutes. Eventually I started to feel a little more at ease and act more like my normal self. We talked about all kinds of things, it was cool, he is a totally fun guy, but the attraction is just not there. I feel kinda bad because I can tell he’s pretty attracted to me. I don’t want to lead him on so I think that the nest time I see him I’ll make it pretty clear that I am only interested in him as a friend. Maybe I’ll just refer him to my blog, LOL (kidding, I’m not that rude).
We hung out for a couple of hours and then I said that I had to get going because I had a lot of things I still needed to get done that day. He paid the bill and walked me out to my car. He asked if we could get together next weekend and I said we would see.
On the way home I called Jack and he said that he had been having quite the conversation with K. I told Jack that I’d be home shortly and he could tell me about it then.
I thought about what I wanted to say to K while I drove. I felt like there wasn’t really any good options for what to do next. I figured I could cut K loose completely; be his friend and stop having sex with him; or keep having sex with him and be otherwise totally uninvolved in his life. I didn’t think I would be able to be alright with him having sex with other people, but I would never ask him to stop seeing other people because that wouldn’t be right or fair of me. So I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do.
When I got home I messaged K and told him that I wasn’t prepared to talk to him at that point, and that I would let him know when I was ready. I needed some more time to gather my thoughts, and to talk to Jack about it.
Jack was so good about it. He cuddled me and told me that he understood what a difficult position I was in, and that no matter what I decided, he would support me. That made me feel so much better. It’s good to know that no matter what else is going on, Jack will always love me to pieces.
So I figured I might as well ‘get it over with’ so to speak. I didn’t think I could keep it together enough to talk to him on the phone, so I messaged him online and we had a long talk. I laid it out for him that I thought we should probably just be friends because as it stands I don’t know that I can handle the alternatives. He said that he really didn’t want to have to loose being intimate with me. We kind of got to the same point where neither of us could really think of what could be done about the situation.
I had to run to the store for some things so I told him I would call him and we could continue talking. At first I pretty much tore a strip off of him for what he did to J, which he agreed was more than deserved, LOL.
Then we talked about what we were going to do about our relationship. I don’t want to discuss all the details of the conversation because actually I feel it was pretty personal. Basically we’re at the point now where we are going to sort of let this relationship level itself out. Neither of us wants to lose the other, nor do we want to cause each other any pain. I am going to have to sit down with myself and figure out why I got so upset about him sleeping with that woman. Hopefully he can be a little patient with me in that area while I try to get it all under control. I need to just give my brain a rest and focus on the now, and worry less about what’s going to happen in the future.
By the time the conversation was over we both felt better, even though everything isn’t automatically fixed. I know I will still have moments when I feel angry or sad or whatever. The next time I see him face to face should be interesting because I know when I look at him I’ll think of what happened and it will upset me. So hopefully between now and Saturday I can rationalize with myself and just let it go. After all, what’s done is done and there’s nothing I can do about it now. Regardless, I still care about him and want to have a relationship with him so it won’t do me a lot of good to dwell on it.
Phew, just writing this blog entry helped. Honestly reflecting so much on what has happened gives me a lot of perspective on the situation. I feel better now than I have in days it seems.
All relationships, intimate or not, have their share of hurdles to get over. I think that we’re mostly past this one and we’ll all come out better for it on the other side.
February 27th, 2006 at 10:04 pm
Great blog post, stiletto girl. I have been curious to know how things have been going with K and Jack. I’m glad your doing better. I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how things have been going…
HUGS
Reply To The Above Comment
February 27th, 2006 at 10:35 pm
from everything you’ve written over the last week or so, it seems obvious what you should do about K, even though it would be really painful. i still really don’t think you and K can go back to being just friends. you guys have been way more than just sexually intimate. to me, the sexual intimacy is the least of your problems. it’s the emotional connection that is making things so difficult. maybe you and jack are still just feeling your way (no pun intended!) through this open marriage thing, but every time you write about K it really seems like you (i don’t know about Jack) just aren’t cut out for it.
Reply To The Above Comment
February 27th, 2006 at 11:09 pm
Now.. the dreaded K is here
and surprisingly in a good mood.. Now first I wanna thank Padme for being such a great person to SG. Means alot to me 
Now onto the anony.. I recognize that your the same one who’s been posting before.. usually about cutting me out and such.. now your expecting a flaming. Not at all. See.. you gave your opinion.. now heres mine.
There are two types of open relationships like SG’s and J’s. First theres the emotional one, which SG and I are in. Now when you mix emotions and sex.. in an open relationship it can be harmful at times I admit. Now.. if you read back. SG adn J discussed what would happen if one got emotions for another man/woman. So they weren’t going in this blind. They had a plan and nothing ever goes according to plan. Now its simply a matter of feeling around and getting on the right track. Sure it can get a little messy here and there but thats the risk you run. Now.. thats the bad side. Now.. heres something you didn’t refrain to notice. The Good side. SG and I have developed an incredible “working” relationship.. its got some bugs yes but we’re determined to work it out if we can, not just pack up and go to hell with it.
The second type of open relationship. I’ve seen it done, it can be good for getting that need scratched.. thats about it. In my opinion.. not a fact just my opinion.. having sex without emotion creates a barrier through which a person neglects their emotions and bottles them up to remain safe from falling in love and what not. Now this can be a good thing.. for a short time.. the longer you do this the more closed off and unemotional you get. All your emotions get bottled up until one day you snap and not in a good way. I’ve seen it happen.. where females go out and have many intimate encounters freely and with wild abandon.. what happens in the end? devestation, realization, regret, guilt, and depression. I’ve seen one particular female who do this for a year. In the end what happened? She has severe depression, complications and can not hold onto a relationship for longer then a month. What good is a non-emotional open relationship? nothing really.
So in my humble opinion an emotional relationship is much healthier because it creates bonds.. friendships.. closeness.. which is much more important.
As to the fact about SG being cut out for this.. I think she is. She is an amazing woman and does whatever she wants when she puts her mind to it. She’s dealt with alot and she’s moving on, most would have tucked tail and run. So rather then being condescening.. applaud her for sticking to something that she wants to do.
Well now I think I’m done ranting so… have a good day and kiss your lovers for me
Reply To The Above Comment
February 28th, 2006 at 12:11 am
K-
in the first place, i don’t sign my comments “open realtionship expert,” so obviously, it’s my opinion! maybe you’re the one who isn’t being objective here, because some of the words you’ve used to describe a person in the second type of open relationship seem to describe some of the ways SG has been feeling lately. for goodness sake, the poems she wrote were not of a women who is fulfilled and satisfied, and her latest post is titled “I Don’t Think I Signed Up for This.” i realize that each post is the way she was feeling at that specific moment in time, and that there are times she feels positive and happy and hopeful. but you can’t completely discount the fact that she feels hopeless and depressed and extremely confused at times.
i in no way have condescended to SG (as YOU consistently do with people who disagree with your point of view). maybe you think i am responsible for some anonymous comments that are not, in fact, from me. but i don’t think that matters. you’re responses to anonymous comments that are opposite from your point of view are hostile. they also convince me that even though i have grown to respect SG, i will continue to comment anonymously because of YOU.
let’s make my position clear.
1. I know SG is an intelligent and loving person.
2. I make no moral judgement on her lifestyle choice.
3. I’m quite sure she can make things work with you, if that’s what she chooses.
4. I’m quite sure that she can have a happy, productive, fulfilling life if she chooses to end her realtionship with you.
re-read my post (and the other ones that you obviously attribute to me). blindly telling people what you think they want to hear is NOT the only way to be supportive. telling someone what you think they need to hear, even if it hurts, also counts as supportive.
i offer my opinions here. i know SG will make her own decisions. and i know she is fully capable of doing so.
Reply To The Above Comment
February 28th, 2006 at 12:29 am
I came back to check the comments and saw k’s message to me. You don’t need to thank me, k. I think SG is a wonderful person and friend and I’ve really enjoyed getting to know her. I’ve been worried about her and I’m glad she’s doing ok today. I hope SG knows I am there if she needs a shoulder or any kind of support. I truly understand having a open relationship and a lot of what she is feeling. This isn’t a easy road but it can be a really wonderful journey. I am wishing you all the best in working out the bumps along the road…
HUGS
Reply To The Above Comment
February 28th, 2006 at 1:57 am
K or SG,
You both mentioned that K writes his own blog. Why not give us that link so we can check out things from his point of view? Or maybe you’ve already done that, and I missed it.
Reply To The Above Comment
February 28th, 2006 at 5:43 am
Anon, yes K does have a blog, but I can’t provide you with a link to it. K’s blog has really nothing to do with his relationship with me, he never writes about it there.
As well, he is not ‘Anonymous’ on his blog, meaning that he uses his own name, and shares details about his life that he and I would feel uncomfortable with my readers knowing.
For my other commenters, please don’t feel ignored, I just don’t have the time to reply to you personally, but thank you so much for your comments
As always, they are very appreciated.
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