Stiletto Diaries

Watch For The Splatter

Posted on February 26th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

Just when things start to get straightened out, something else happens to fuck it the hell up.

Last night K and Jack were supposed to get together. K said he would call when he was ready to go (which would likely be around 10 pm) because he had plans with another friend a little earlier in the evening.

I was looking forward to having a little down time to myself, and I was happy that Jack and K were going to do something together. I know Jack was looking forward to it because he hasn’t gone out in a while.

Anyway, got the kids off to bed, I was getting some things done around the house. Jack talked online to the girl he was supposed to meet Friday night (nothing horrible happened to her, there was just something that came up that prevented her from meeting him, and he had neglected to give her his number so she had no way to let him know).

K didn’t call until 11:40 pm and by then Jack was like “Uh, no, it’s too late to go” because by the time he would have gotten to where K was it would have been nearly 12:30 pm and last call is an hour after that, so there wouldn’t have been much point. I think Jack was a little annoyed anyway at being pretty much blown off. I was really upset because K is typically not so inconsiderate.

So I filled up our gigantic corner jacuzzi tub and made us a jug of peach juice mixed with champagne (it tastes REALLY good by the way). Jack and I had a nice long soak and then crawled into bed and cuddled up.

K sent me a text message sometime after 2 am (to tell me he was home I guess). Also he told me he blogged and that I shouldn’t read it (so OF COURSE I’m gonna). I went back to sleep and then read it this morning.

He fucked the woman he was meeting earlier.

Then he went to the bar to meet his other friends and just frickin lost track of time I guess. Maybe not a single person in the bar was wearing a watch so he could have asked what time it was.

I wasn’t exactly prepared to read that so early this morning.

I was already pissed that he was ignorant to Jack, and now I feel strange that he had a quickie with some married woman who is miserable with her useless husband.

Is it weird that it really upsets me?

I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out if I should continue this relationship with K. I talked to Jack about it, who of course was wonderfully understanding as always. I knew that K was going to meet this woman, and that there was a chance that he would have sex with her (or someone, at some point in the night) and it was bothering me.

Why does it bother me? It’s not like K and I even have a serious relationship. I shouldn’t care what he does, so long as he is honest with me so that I can make informed decisions about condom use, etc.

Fact is it does bother me, and as Jack pointed out, if I can’t accept that K is going to have sex with other people I am just setting myself up for a lot of emotional distress. He’s right of course.

*Sigh*

I think it’s because part of me really wants to have something more meaningful with K. I don’t know if that’s entirely possible, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting it.

Maybe the break should have lasted longer because obviously my objectivity about the situation is totally gone to hell. I’m pretty much going off pure emotion. I understand the situation in my head, but I can’t seem to convince my heart that I have to let it go, for my own good.

Some of you might think that I get attached too easily, and I would beg to differ. There are a lot of guys that are currently interested in me that I have absolutely zero emotional attachment to. The problem is, I tend to only have sex with men that I feel an emotional connection with (like R). K just happened to come along when he did and even though I saw it coming from a mile away, I let myself fall for him.

Maybe it would be better to go back to doing this just for sex. I know that I can have a good time with some of the guys I’ve been chatting to without getting emotionally involved, and maybe that is the way to go. I don’t know that I am prepared to deal with all this other stuff.

On the bright side, I am meeting Q for lunch today (the guy that I met at the bar last weekend). He seems really nice and I am looking forward to talking to him. He’s not all sexually aggressive just because he knows I’m in an open marriage, which is a really nice change. I will let you all know how it goes!

Last night in the tub I asked Jack why he thinks I always seem to do things to complicate my life. He just chuckled and told me he thinks I like the drama and the excitement. I’m not content to just live the simple life, I get bored.

It’s a good thing he knows me so well, and still loves me even though I inflict both of us to all my psychotic ideas.

To close, I opened a fortune cookie yesterday and it said: “Follow your intuition in love matters”. Pretty sound advice if you ask me.