Stiletto Diaries

Holy Shit Am I Getting Long Winded These Days

Posted on February 22nd, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Mating And Relating, Polyamory

I haven’t had time to talk too much about the letter or of what has been happening since the weekend.

Apparently I have given the impression that even though I think that I understand where Jack is coming from, none of it has really sunk in for me. Thanks again to the anon who brought that to my attention, you gave me a lot to think about

I really do understand where Jack is coming from, but that does not necessarily mean that I agree with his views of the situation. No where in the rules does it say that I have to agree with him all the time, LOL. Nor does he have to agree with me. That’s why we compromise with each other.

I do not think that K is perfect, nor am I the least bit blind to his issues. I know that he has a lot of complicated emotional baggage, and yes he has problems recognizing his own self-worth. I think that Jack worries because he knows me and the kind of person I am. He knows that I will go to pretty far extremes to help people I care about, and he also knows that I sometimes allow my sympathy for someone to get in the way of my better judgment. Despite what some of you think of me, I am the type of person that just LOVES the crap out of everyone, no matter what they have done, no matter what kind of people they are.

The fact that Jack worries so much about my ability to stay rational and handle the situation with objectivity is sort of hurtful to me. It makes me feel like he sees me as a child, and that he has to parent me for my own good. At the same time I am trying my best to also be respectful of his feelings. I am not out to hurt him, or anyone for that matter. I know that we have to try and meet each other in the middle.

I also think that Jack has a hard time relating to people who have been dealt a seriously shitty hand in life. We all have our crap to deal with of course, but some people get the lions share of a totally raw deal. What we do with it is totally up to us. I used to have a lot of baggage, a lot of guilt, and all kinds of emotional issues. I’ve been depressed and suicidal, suffered from acute insomnia, almost given myself ulcers, and more. Over the past five years I have dealt with a lot of it in constructive ways. I don’t let my past own me or control me. I came to a point where I decided that I am the only person who can make me happy, and I started taking steps to get there.

K isn’t there yet, but he’s moving in that direction. He knows he has a lot of stuff he needs to deal with, he’s not in denial or anything. He’s taking some steps to get it together, and I know he can do it, I have total confidence in him. I guess it’s easier for me to look past all the other stuff and just see what a great person he is.

I suppose I don’t really understand how having me not see or talk to K will help him get motivated. I don’t want to take credit for anything, but I would like to think that I have been a positive influence for K. I am not trying to take on his crap, if anything I just want to be there to encourage him and be supportive. I get the impression that K hasn’t had a lot of supportive people in his life, so maybe that’s what he needs to help him go forward, and as his friend I want to be there for him. Anyway, that part of Jack’s letter I disagree with.

On the other hand, I do agree with Jack that things were moving rather quickly. And I can understand totally how that would make him feel really uncomfortable. I know that K and I talked a lot, and I agree that slowing it down is a good idea.

The thing is, I am pretty much alone all day with the kids. I don’t have any friends who don’t work all day, and I am actually painfully shy and have a hard time making friends (especially women). This means that my interaction with other adults is usually limited to Jack when he gets home in the evening. It makes a person a little crazy after a while, especially since my kids are just getting to the age that I feel comfortable leaving them with a sitter. Jack and I don’t get to go out much together as it is (the last time was the second weekend of January, if that gives you some idea). I get out with my friends once or twice a month, and other than going to the gym or going shopping that’s it for me. Especially now that it’s winter here and it’s hard to go outside with the kids. Of course I have a couple of other people that I chat with pretty regularly, but K and I have a more established friendship than I have with any of them.

Having K to talk to every day was nice. And don’t read into this as me complaining or trying to get my way, I am just trying to explain my feelings. I will admit it, I get frickin lonely as hell spending day after day with my rugrats and sometimes only seeing Jack for a few hours every day. Jack works long hours, sometimes 11 or 12 hours per day! That means he gets home, we eat, get the kids to bed, watch a little TV, and then go to bed ourselves. I miss him constantly, but after 5 years of being with him, I am used to it, it’s a fact of life for us, and I am so very grateful that he works so hard so we can have a cushy life and all the things that we want.

Not getting to see K is hard, but not being able to talk to him is way worse. I miss having conversations with him. Not having a lot of friends in the first place makes it extra difficult to give even one of them up, if only temporarily.

I feel sort of awkward talking to Jack about it. I don’t want him to think that I am overly attached to K, or that I am whining about taking this break. That’s not it at all, but I still have some sadness, that’s just the way it is. It’s not like I can just forget about K.

Since the weekend Jack and I have had some good conversations. We are taking active steps to work on our communication skills with each other. Like I said, we are pretty much learning how to talk to each other all over again. We both really want this arrangement to work, and we know what we have to do to get there.

Jack will be the first to admit that he is indecisive. He has a lot of mixed feelings, and that can be very confusing for me because I am VERY decisive a good part of the time. I spend a lot of time (seeing as I am alone and have plenty of time to think during the day) in self-reflection, examining my feelings and deciding how I feel about everything. Jack doesn’t have that luxury. His brain is occupied a lot by his job, so I am trying to cut him some slack. He and I both think that it would be best for him to just start telling me when he is unsure, and asking me to give him some time and space to think about his feelings before he tries to talk to me about them. I believe that this will save us a lot of frustration, provided that I remember to be PATIENT with him, and give him the time he needs to figure things out. He is going to try to be more specific about his feelings and thoughts so that I do not get frustrated and confused.

All in all we are moving in a very positive direction. I know that we will get closer and stronger as a couple and we are learning al lot of new things about each other and about our relationship.